Berty boi - All My Sons

Keller: What’s Mother going to say? (Bert runs on from driveway. He jumps on stool, then on Keller’s back)

You’re finally up.

Keller: (Swinging him around and putting him down) Ha! Bert’s here! Where’s Tommy? He’s got his father’s thermometer again.

He’s taking a reading.

Chris: What!

But it’s only oral.

Keller: Oh, well, there’s no harm in oral. So what’s new this morning, Bert?

Nothin’.

(Bert goes to broken tree, walks around it.)

Keller: Then you couldn’t’ve made a complete inspection… Now, nothin’s ever new.

Except some kids from Thirtieth Street. They started kicking a can down the block, and I made them go away because you were sleeping.

Keller: Now you’re talkin’, Bert. Now you’re on the ball. First thing you know I’m liable to make you a detective.

(Bert pulls him down by the lapel and whispers in his ear)

Can I see the jail now?

Keller: Seein’ the jail ain’t allowed, Bert. You know that.

Aw, I betcha there isn’t even a jail. I don’t see any bars on the cellar windows.

Keller: Bert, on my word of honor, there’s a jail in the basement. I showed you my gun, didn’t I?

But that’s a hunting gun.

Keller: That’s an arresting gun!

Then why don’t you ever arrest anybody? Tommy said another dirty word to Doris yesterday, and you didn’t even demote him.

Keller: Yeah, that’s a dangerous character, that Tommy. (Beckons him closer) What word does he say?

(Bert backs away quickly in great embarrassment)

Oh, I can’t say that.

Keller: (Grabs Bert by the shirt and pulls him back) Well, gimmie an idea.

I can’t. It’s not a nice word.

Keller: Just whisper it in my ear. I’ll close my eyes. Maybe I won’t even hear it.

(Bert, on tiptoe, puts his lips to Keller’s ear, then in unbearable embarrassment steps back)

I can’t Mr. Keller.

Keller: Okay, Bert. I take your word. Now go out, and keep both eyes peeled.

(Interested) For what?

Keller: For what! Bert, the whole neighborhood is depending on you. A policeman don’t ask questions. Now peel them eyes!

Bert (Mystified, but willing)

Okay.

(Bert runs off stage right back of arbor)

Keller: (calling after him) And mummy’s the word, Bert.

(Bert stops and sticks his head through arbor)

About what?

Keller: Just in general. Be v-e-r-y careful.

(Bert nods in bewilderment)

Okay.

Pg 22

Keller: What does that mean, me above all?

(Bert comes rushing on from stage left)

Mr. Keller! Say, Mr. Keller… (point up driveway) Tommy just said it again!

Keller: Said what?… Who?…

The dirty word.

Keller: Oh. Well…

Gee, aren’t you going to arrest him? I warned him.

Kate: There’s no jail here! I want you to stop that jail business!

(Bert, past her to Keller)

He’s right across the street…