One-Act Peter Pan Goes Wrong- Chris Lines

Trevor: Do also remember that photography of any kind is stricty prohibited. One final note, please be aware that the emergency fire exits… are locked. Enjoy the show. (blackout)

Chris: Good evening and welcome to the Cornley Drama Society’s production of J.M. Barrie’s classic…

Robert: Peter Pan!

Chris: Please allow me to introduce myself: I am Chris, the director.

Robert: And I’m Robert, the codirector.

Chris: Assistant director. We’re hugely excited to preset Peter Pan, as this year we’ve managed to secure a much larger budget than usual, thanks to a sizable donation from the uncle of one of our cast members, Max. This generous cash injection… (Max enters from the wings) Thank you, Max, thank you, Max.

Max: Thank you.

Chris: Thank you, Max. (Max goes) This generous cash injection has meant that tonight’s production will certainly outshine our rather underfunded Christmas show that Robert directed; Jack and the Bean.

Robert: In one of Chris’ productions, due to an ill-timed haircut, Rapunzel has to be imprisoned in a bungalow.

Chris: Indeed, that was almost as bad as when Robert insisted on using a real cat in his production of Puss in Boots, which became known amongst the company as Puss Who Was Occasionally in Boots, but Often Refused to Wear His Boots and then bit a child

Robert: But this year everyone has come together, and we even have my younger sister Lucy to play the Lost Boy, Tootles.

Chris: Who we are sure will overcome her chronic stage fright this evening. We have taken every possible precaution to ensure the smooth-running of the show.

Robert: Including a state-of-the-art radio headset for our actor Dennis to ensure he remembers his lines correctly.

Chris: He doesn’t know a single line.

Robert: But we’re feeling optimistic for tonight’s family show.

Chris: It’s not a family show, Robert, it’s a proper play. For adults.

Robert: Of course it’s a family show. Look at how many kids are in. Child. Child. Ugly child. Come on, give us a cheer if you’re a child. (children cheer) Great. Now give me a big boo for Captain Hook. (children boo) I love Americans, not afraid to be crass.

Chris: So without further ado, please put your hands together for…

Robert: (comes in too early) Peter P…

Chris: J.M. Barrie’s…

Robert: (too early again) Peter…

Chris: Classic play…

Robert and Chris: Peter Pan!

Sandra: Not every day can be an adventure! Now, let’s get ready for bed. I can hear Father’s footsteps.

Chris: (as Mr. Darling SL door): Has anyone seen my cuff links?

Francis: "Their father, George Darlin, was a man of business, a little pompous, but with a kind heart.

Chris: (cross c) I have searched…

Francis: He was far less serene than their mother, Mary Darling, a genteel and elegant woman.

Chris: I have sear…

Francis: Although sometimes he forgot to show it, George loved them all dearly.

Chris: I have searched the house high and low. I put a thing down for a moment and it is as if fairies have danced off with it.

Sandra: Oh, Father! I would so love to have fairies skipping about the house.

Chris: (walk to Sandra) I don’t believe in fairies. I believe in cuff links.

Dennis: Won’t you come play with us, Father?

Chris: I don’t have time for silly games.

Max: You are so serious, Father.

Chris: Grown-ups have to be serious, and little children ought to be. Wendy, have you seen my cuff links?

Sandra: No, father.

Chris: I mean really, is it me? Or is the world going mad? (hang up jacket SL)

Dennis: Perhaps Nana has seen them, Father.

Chris: That creature is most certainly the reason they are missing.

Sandra, Max, Dennis: Nana!

Chris: (walk c) I don’t understand all of the affection towards that dreadful animal. What about me? Where are my cuff links? (move down sr)

Francis: A sweeter family you’ve never seen, with hearts as good as gold, And on this fateful evening, our story shall unfold.

Chris: Thank you, Lisa. You have saved my evening. I couldn’t have gone to the work party without them. (Annie exit) I suppose I am, Lisa. (Annie reenters)

Annie: You are a forgetful man, Mr Darling.

Chris: I suppose I am Liza. (begin tie) Now leave that beast alone, the three of you.

Dennis: We’re only petting her, Father.

Chris: That dog needs to be taught some discipline. Oh, this tie will not tie! Not around my neck, around the bedpost, oh, yes! Twenty times around the bedpost, but around my neck, no, sir!

Max: What’s wrong, Father?

Chris: Mary, this is a nightmare! If I cannot tie my tie, I cannot go out this evening, if I cannot go out this evening, I can never go to the office again, and if I can never go to the office again, I should lose my job and our children shall be flung out onto the streets! (up SL)

Annie: George, really! Allow me to tie it.

Chris: Now, all of you, time for bed and take your medicine.

Dennis: We must take our medicine, Michael. (Annie pulls tie too tight)

Chris: Thank you, Mother. Perfectly tied. (struggling)

Max: But it hurts my throat, Wendy!

Chris: Hurts your throat, does it?

Max: I don’t want to be like Father.

Chris: Ungrateful child! (get scissors and cut- gasp for air) Really, Michael, what an unnecessary fuss you’re making. Fetch the medicine bottle, Nana. When I was a boy, I used to thank my mother and father for giving me my medicine! (trip over train SR) I would say, “Thank you kind parents! Thank you for giving my bottles to keep me well!” Ah, here is Nana now. (cross c) Bring me the medicine bottle, Nana… Bring me the medicine bottle, Nana… Bring me the medicine bottle, Nana… (train medicine) Thank you, Nana. Now fetch me a spoon.

Dennis: Why don’t you take your first, Father.

Chris: Nonsense, John, you shall take yours first and then I shall take mine.

Annie: Boys must take their medicince.

Chris: Quite right. Here is Nana with the spoon now. Bring it to me, there’s a good girl. (react)

Max: Here’s the spoon, Father.

Chris: Thank you, child. Come along, John. (walk SR) Open wide. (pour medicine onto floor)

Dennis: I don’t want it Father.

Chris: None of us wanted this.

Dennis: Yuck

Chris: Now it’s your turn, Michael. Medicine for the clever boy who found the spoon. (pour medicine and give, yank and stab leg)

Sandra: Oh look, Father. Nana is excited! Get down off the bed.

Chris: (yank scissors) Oh, you useless animal! You’ve gotten hairs all over my trousers! (rub leg on Nana)

Sandra: Silly hound! You’ve gotten hairs all over everyone.

Chris: You daft animal. I always had misgivings about having a dog as a nursemaid.

Sandra: Father, Nana looks after us so well.

Chris: I am sick and tired of everyone coddling that dog! Does anybody coddle me? No sir! Well, enough is enough. I’m sick of my children being treated like puppies. (slip on medicine) It’s time for that dog to go out where it belongs, in the yard.

Sandra, Max and Dennis: No!

Chris: (up SR) Lisa!

Annie: Yes, Mr. Darling?

Chris: The spoon! Thank you, Lisa, it’s a little late! We used the slotted one! Now, take that wretched animal outside and chain her to her kennel!

Annie: Come on, Nana, outside. (go SL to grab jacket)

Chris: Thank God that animal’s gone (cover Nana)

Annie: What’s all this commotion, George?

Chris: Mary, my dear. Nothing’s wrong, the children were just getting into bed.

Annie: George! But she protects the children!

Chris: Protects them from what?

Annie: The boy who visits this room.

Chris: What nonsense.

Sandra: Mother and I saw him the other evening; he slipped away through the window. Mother ran to slam it shut before he could escape, but he was too nimble; the window shut, and we caught just his shadow, which started dancing across the room.

Chris: A dancing shadow? Oh really! What will you come up with next?

Annie: I shall fetch it at once. (cab noise) Your cab’s here, Mr. Darling.

Chris: Excellent, let’s go downstairs…

Annie: (cab noise again) Another cab’s here, Mr. Darling.

Chris: Excellent, let’s go down…

Annie: (another car horn is heard) A third cab’s here, Mr. Darling.

Chris: Three cabs? One for Mary, one for me… and one for… my hat. (SR shelf) Let’s go downstairs.

Sandra: Thank you, Lisa. (Annie exits)

Chris: Mary, the cab’s here! (cross SL)

Annie: The cab’s here! I shall fetch my shawl.

Chris: Very good, Mary.

Sandra: Now I can show you the shadow, Father!

Chris: Oh, Wendy, you really must grow up. There is no shadow. (face out SL) That will be all, Lisa. I don’t have time for this.

Sandra: Please look, Father!

Chris: I will not indulge these childish games. Mary, the cab’s here, we shall be late. (rush to door, then slam shut)

Annie: The cab’s here? Good. I’ve found my shawl.

Chris: Ah, very good! Come along, Mary! (Cross SR door)

Sandra: The boy who the shadow belonged to was accompanied by a ball of light, no bigger than my fist, but it darted around the room like a living thing.

Chris: I don’t believe it for a moment. I’m going downstairs! Someone has to be grown up around here. (squeeze out SR door, then lose shoe and grab it)

Johnathan: Pirates! Quickly, into the hideout.

Chris: Yar!! (“Shut up” if boo; walk CS) The glorious sound of a deserted forest, eh lads. (car horn) A cab…

Francis: Not a soul for miles around, Captain Hook.

Chris: Aye, Cecco. (push Lucy off stage)

Robert: (unintelligible) These old, dark woods give me the creeps, Cap’n Hook.

Chris: Aye, Starkey. I know what you mean.

Dennis: Captain! We shall find the Lost Boys at… You’re listening to WQXR. That was the Violin Concerto in E Minor by Johann Bach.

Chris: (walk to Smee) We shall find the Lost Boys at the Mermaid’s Lagoon. You might be right, Smee. Oh, how I’d like to slice their gizzards out.

Dennis: Just fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.

Chris: thank you, Smee. (Dennis starts singing) Thank you. Mr Smee. (remove headset and throw off SR) But most of all I want Peter Pan! For her cut off my arm, Starkey!

Robert: (unintelligible) Disgraceful! That boy has no manners, Captain! Don’t you agree, Percy? (as Percy) Aye, percy knows how it is.

Chris: Exactly, I’ve waited long to shake his hand with this! Pan flung my arm to a crocodile that happened to be passing by. (look at Dennis who forgot his line) I’ve often noticed your fear of that crocodile, Captain Hook.

Dennis: I’ve often noticed your fear of that crocodile, Captain Hook.

Chris: He got a taste for me flesh that day, Mr Smee. (prompts) He’s followed you around ever since, Captain.

Dennis (comes in with Hook’s line) That he has, Smee, that he has.

Chris: But by lucky chance it swallowed a clock, Captain. So before it can reach you, you hear the clock and bolt.

Dennis: What are you doing with your pistol out, Smee?

Chris: I wouldn’t want to be caught unawares, Captain.

Dennis: Put that thing away, Smee, or I’ll strike you down with my hook. (snatch hook back)

Chris: No! Put that thing away, Smee, or I’ll strike you down with my hook! I’m Hook. You’re Smee.

Dennis: I’m John.

Chris: You’re Smee! Forget it! Soon, I shall have the foolish boy within my grasp!

Robert: (encouraging audience) Boo!

Chris: Don’t boo! Stop booing me! He’s right, you are an ugly child. But hold, men! What’s this? (stump SR and car horn) A cab. But also there’s this. Smoke coming out of this tree stump. (smoke pours) Tis plain Pan and the Lost Boys live here, among the trees and underneath the ground! Smell, men. Smells like they are cooking goose for dinner. (smoke blasts in face) Argh! No! No! Go back to the Jolly Roger! (all exit excpet Chris) Take Curly to the lagoon, put him out on Marooners’ Rock as bait and we’ll nab Pan when he tries to save him. (Trevor fans smoke and knocks hook off) Avast belay, when I appear. By fear they’re overtook. Naught’s left upon your bones when you have shaken claws with Hook! (hold up “hook”, realize, put up finger. walk back CS, curatins close)

Robert: (Unintelligible) Aye Cap’n! Aye aye, Cap’n! I’ll cut him free!

Chris: I’m swimming out to you, boys! Now, where is the Lost Boy? No. (to Annie) Now, where is the Lost Boy?

Dennis: That’s alright, Captain, we followed your orders and let him go.

Chris: You blundering blockheads, I said no such thing.

Francis: If you didn’t give the orders, Captain, who did?

Chris: Perhaps it be the dark spirits that haunt this here lagoon, Cecco.

Robert: Spirit, Cap’n?

Chris: Spirit! Dost hear me?

Chris’ Voice: Oh, for God’s sake-

Chris: Who are you, stranger? Speak!

Chris’ Voice: I am James Hook! Captain of the Jolly Roger!

Chris: It can’t be!

Robert: But what’s that sounds, Cap’n?

Chris: It is a ticking clock! Tis the crocodile!

Francis: Captain, the crocodile’s come to finish you off!

Chris: Spirit, if you are Hook, then who am I?

Chris’ Voice: Oop, left the microphone on- (the cast all look around in confusion. Beat.)

Chris: Tis Peter Pan!

Johnathan: Tis I!

Chris: Take him dead or alive!

Sandra: Do be careful, Peter!

Chris: Come and face me, Pan!

Johnathan: I shall, old and weary Hook!

Chris: You are no match for my might, blade and hook, Pan!

Johnathan: En garde, Captain Hook!

Chris: (clink swords 6x and jump over sword) Foolish Pan!

Johnathan: Take that, you fiend! (turn 180)

Chris: Vainglorious boy! I shall split your bones with my hook!

Johnathan: Nothing ever hurts me! Im Peter Pa- (lose hook and scurry for it) I’m peter…Pa… I’m Peter…Pa…Pet…Pa…Nothing ever hurts me! I’m Peter Paaan! (stand up from SR)

Chris: You’ll die by my blade, Pan!

Johnathan: To die would be an awfully big adventuuure! (curtains close)

Chris: (off) Get out there.

Francis: ….. The meal happened to be an imaginary one, With nothing whatever on the table;

Chris: (off) Clear! (sound of a defibrillator)

Francis: …. And with stealth, cunning, guile and craft, he added poison to the medicine draught.

Chris: Now where is Peter Pan? Where is Peter Pan! (respond to audience) Oh, there he is. (pick up bottle) Medicine…. Poison…. (place bottle and walk off SR)

Johnathan: Wendy?

Chris: No.

Johnathan: Tink…? You drank it… it was poisoned and you drank it to save my life… Tink? Tink are you… are you alright? Tink? (Beat) Chris…. (enter SR)

Chris: Who’s the first aider?

Trevor: She’s the first aider.

Chris: (beat) Do something to cover (to Francis)

Lucy and Max: I believe in fairies: (chanting continues and grows. Annie gets up and coughs)

Chris: Places! (off SL)

All: (singing) And hey for Davy Jones! And hey for Davy Jones! Yaar!

Chris: How still the night is. Nothing sounds alive. (a cab is heard) A CAB!! Why is there a cab in the sea?! (dust) Revenge will soon be mine. (car horn is heard again) COME ON! Now, you blithering scurs, you have to make your choice. Will you join my crew? Or will you die tonight in the light of the full moon? (gesture USR)

Sandra: We shall none of us ever be pirates.

Chris: Is that so, my dear, it’'ll be the plank for you, then. Eh, Smee?

Dennis: (radio feedback) OK. One. Two. Three. Aye, Captain!

Chris: Get the plank ready, Mr. Cecco. There’s none can save him now.

Johnathan: There is one! I’m coming to save you all!

Chris: Pan! Surround them. This one’s mine.

Johnathan: Hook! The crocodile is here; he knows your end is near. (crocodile out SL)

Chris: Proud and insolent youth, prepare to meed thy doom. (last line)