Amaryllis Lines

Empowered: how one girl scout nearly destroyed the worlds economy

Me selling cookies

um…hi..um so my name is Amaryllis nd…um… so we’re selling these cookies. You might have heard of them. You ever see he Addams family? When the girl scoyt comes by and the girl, I think her name is Friday, she says, “are they made with real Girl Scout?” Which is really funnt. But our cookies don’t contain human flesh, so if thats a rumor out there or whatever, you’re totally cool eating the cookies and you’re not a cannibal *dorky laugh* Some of them dont taste good. I dont really like them actually, Uh… so— you don’t have to buy them. Okay. okay.

door closes

Well I’ll try the next house then

Mackenzie/penny: Amaryllis! hi-eee!

Hey.

cheyenee: hi

hi cheyenne

Mackenzie/penny: did you sell anything today?

No

Mackenzie/penny: what?

No.

Mackenzie/penny: I cant hear you

I didn’t sell any cookies today.

Mackenzie/penny: ….When I think of girl scouts that embody our principles, i think of you. I do. You want some cookies?

No thanks.

Mackenzie/penny: I’ve got the new secret Samoas— they have sugar that has to be smuggled in from Canada because it’s too powerful for American consumers

i don’t want any of your cookies Mackenzie

mackenzie just sold her cookies Kennedy: All right

Man you just got suckered Kennedy

Kennedy: I did not

Cheyenne wasn’t going to buy those boxes

Beatrice: I will begin ommm.. let me be the best girl scout i can be

ommm.. let me be the best girl scout i can be

Beatrice: Let me behave compassionately

Let me behave compassionately

Beatrice: let me sell cookies

let me sell cookies

Beatrice: so that i can be an empowered girl.

so that i can be an empowered girl. Girl power.

Vinny:…how about one where the first place prize is… a unicorn

I thought they weren’t even real

Cheyenne: I dont care I want it!

Is this even legal?

Vinny:… fourth place is you are replaced by adorable kids from third-world countries

What?

Kennedy: what if you have mental problems? can you get bonus boxes

You cant just kick somebody out

Vinny: whoa hold on one at a time

we have a code! we have badges! you cant do this!

Vinny: Hey theres no need to get upset. Just make sure you aren’t on the bottom.

i spend a lot of time here at girl scouts. who do you think you are?

Vinny:…..did your mommy drop you off? did you ride your schweinn? or does someone here have a scooter

Thats me.

Vinny: So you ask yourselves are you giving 100% ? if so double it. And then double it again

Its actually impossible to give more than 100%

beatrice: Okay so theres some motivation for you girls. he was dun. wasnt he?

Was he really being true to the girl scout ideals

beatrice:oh honey honey no ones going to get kicked out unless they’re last in sales.

Thats not fair!

mackenzie: youre not invited to my slumber parties anymore

Kennedy: I know

Maybe I’ll win

Kennedy: i am angry at the suggestion. didi i do it again?— they walk off im left alone— i walk to a bus stop

Man I wish i could win that unicorn. if only there was some way I could empower myself.. oh well, that will never happen. yawn. wouldn’t hurt if i took a little rest here. probably help me stop talking to myself

Beatrice and Vinny: AMARYLLIS

Me?! I won?

Sparkles is revealed

Sparkles?!

Sparkles: Hello amaryllis. i am sparkles the unicorn. and im your new best friend

I love you!

Sparkles: even though im a miniature horse, you may ride me

Yes! heck yes! This is everything I’ve ever wanted!

Sparkles: WE WILL FLY FOREVER TOGETHER

Look at all the people below us! They’re so small!

Sparkles: thats because they’re insignificant worm.

Yes!!

Cheyenne (lily): tis isn’t even a cool dream

lets go get ‘em

Sparkles: oh also i forgot to tell you I can breathe fire

Burn them!

Mackenize and Cheyenne: AHHH we’re melting

Woo hoo! that was awesome.

Sparkles: Now lets talk about our feelings while we have a tea party

Oh yay!

settle down for tea party cups and stuff are set out

oh thank you for inviting me to this tea party Mr. Sparkles. You do have the most tantalizing imaginary tea

Sparkles: AAaaaaah!

NOOOOOO!

Sparkles: remember me

You killed my unicorn.

Police: He was too beautiful to live

No! Noo! NOOO! Sparkles. Noo! it should’ve been me instead of you Sparkles.

Beenie: Amaryllis?

wake up

Beenie: Are you ok?

Oh sorry i was having a nightmare

beenie: thats okay best friend

What are you doing here?

Sometimes i follow you around without you notcing… I wish they would let me in, but they have standards.

Its not all that fun.

Beenie: Are you kidding my whole life is about Gril socuts….I have an abbreviation for it. most people tell me i’m strange

I dont think I’m cut out for girl scouts beenie

Beenie: What?

Well, its gone all capitalist lately

Beenie: So? Thats part of the aweseomness!

No— i mean theres all this pressure to sell cookies. and im just.. i’m the worst cookie seller ever,

Beenie: No you’re not! i’m sure there are crazy people who are worse

I cant sell anything…

No! Dont say that. You know what? Maybe i could be your life coach

A life coach? Are you even qualified to be a life coach?

Beenie: No one is! Thats what makes it special. I’ll coach you and then we can ride a wave of success together.

I don’t know I this might be beyond your abilities.

Beenie: Thats what they said about dancing and you know what

You danced?

Beenie: You wanna se?

No

Beenie: Please.

No i don’t wanna see

‘cause ill fo it. ill dance up in the house

we’re not in a house.

Beenie: Its a street expression. I learned it on my quest to become a dancer.

well i still dont want to see—

Beenie: Too late! I got the fever! *beenie dance’*

All right now—

Beenie: can i borrow your inhaler

i dont have an inhaler

Beenie: Oh. Do you mind if we go to the hospital then

do you need to go to the hospital?

IBeenie: ’ve got at least a 30% chance at being okay

Ill take it

Beenie: okay— so what we need is a test subject. I’ll observe you trying to sell cookies to a human

Why a human?

Beenie: because you cant sell them to cats (crazy laugh) okay seriously, what about him?

Okay. Hello random stranger

potsz: Hello Amaryllis

You know who I am?

potz: you give me the feelings

oh

Potz: I watch you in math class sometimes

uhh..

Beenie: No this is great he’s a creeper! They buy lots of stuff.

So.. um whats your name

Potz:Potz

Potz?

Potz: Its a nickname

Okay.

Potz: My real name would terrify you

well uh—

Potz: its Ghengis. Ghengis khan. ahahahahahah! no seriously its not that.

Anyway. I was wondering if you had any money

Potz: For you not much

Well' i’m actually selling Girl Scout cookie. So… would you want to buy some

Potz: Do they have gluten?

Uh.. maybe I’m not sure

Potz: or fish oil? if theres fish oil in the cookies i cant have them . I’m allergic. My throat swells up to the size of a pineapple

I dont think theres fish oil. So do you want to buy some

Potz: Does this mean you’re my girlfriend now?

NO!

Beenie:Just say yes! What can it hurt

Are you kidding?

Beenie: So you lead him on a bit — who cares?

Fine— weird creeper boy — i will go out with you if you buy

beenie puts up 5 fingers

5 boxes of cookies

Potz: One box

What?

Potz: I will buy one box.

4 dollars

Potz: Very well. A pleasure doing business with you

A pleasure doing business with you

Potz: and I’ll pick you up at 8.

What?

Beenie: man you became his gf for one box of cookies? Boy you’re cheap

Hey- hey no - no that wasn’t about- i think he was just offering— it wasn’t about

beenie: he lowered the price— he was negotiating.

No he wasn’t he was… Oh darn. Darn it am I dating him now?

Beenie: You need more help than I can give you. its time to bring in.. my parents

scene shift

Beenie: Whatever this is my friend Amaryllis

Whats up?

Patrick: sugar muffin youre better than nomral…. and extra time on your tests

Im just a terrible seller though

Patrick: Hey. You know what I heard that I didn’t like….. whatever you believe in your heart, you can accomplish

Wow. Thank you. I wish my parents were htis nice

Patrick: oh they are, Im sure of it…. im about to saute those little doodas. While shaking it

I think I like truffle oil

Beenie: Dad no! come on Amaryllis.

Patrick: Ill just hum it in the background.

Your dad is so nice

Beenie: hes a broken man

No no hes so positive.

Beenie: its a tortured mask…. the person you need to talk to is my mom

No I think Im going to follow your dd’s advice—

Beenie: see what i mean? its patehtc. I try to do everything opposite of what he says.

But—

ELLEN. Great. Whatever. Make sure you're quiet and you leave by ten. I've got work to do.

AMARYLLIS. Excuse me-I was wondering if you could help me.

ELLEN. Lose ten pounds. Wear better shoes. Some earrings wouldn't hurt. Grow a spine.

AMARYLLIS. No I mean-I'm selling Girl Scout Cookies.

ELLEN. Girl Scout Cookies?

AMARYLLIS. Yeah and I need to become a better salesman. Sales-girl. Salesperson.

BEENIE. Oh man.

AMARYLLIS. III see you later Beenie.

Ellen: Ricardo? Hold my calls, im in an important meeting. i said hold my calls you twit. Come with me

Are you still talking into your headset?

ellen: no talk to me. explain your situation

umm.. okay uh—

Ellen: You’ve already failed.

What?

Ellen: …. ive decided that you are useless and not a force to be reckoned with

I’m only a girl socut