defender

JUDGE: As is customary, the defense shall be going first. Attorney Juarez, you have the floor.

DEFENDER: Honorable judge. It seems that today is the result of a misunderstanding from both sides.

CLIENT: Unbelieveable!

DEFENDER: To the untrained eye, Count Orbleck looks like a normal man. A man who buys his groceries, walks the dog, and eats a normal amount of garlic. But shockingly, he is no average man.

COUNT: It is true.

DEFENDER: Count Orbleck is a vampire, with the need to feast on human blood and roam the earth at night. One ability of a vampire is the power to turn humans into vampires, something my client does not take lightly. My client is a good-hearted vampire who would never turn someone against their will. After meeting the other party at a club and hitting it off, my client was led to believe that the prosecution was aware of the fact that he was a vampire. It was only afterward that the prosecution revealed that he was unaware of the Count’s vampiric status. In this case, your honor, I would state that my client is not guilty, and is only a vampire with a good heart.

BALIFF: I’m just gonna have you swear on this-

DEFENDER: Apologies, your honor. My client cannot swear on a bible. Luckily, I have a vampire equivalent of a bible we can use. (Take out Twilight)

(COUNT is seated)

Count Orbleck, please give your account of the night you met Mr. Fogle.

JUDGE: And so am I…if you’re interested.

(Stand up)

(After crotch-pointing and nod)

DEFENDER: The uh. Defense, would like to discuss a plea deal with the judge. The prosecution attending.

CLIENT: You have GOT TO BE KIDDING

DEFENDER: Yeah, sounds good!