Miles Lines

Narrator: Lights come up MILES standing in TILLY’S bedroom

MILES: So this is all that’s left to pack?

AGNES: Yep

MILES: It’s a lot.

AGNES: Yep.

MILES: So is this exactly how—

AGNES: Yep, Exactly the way she left it —

MILES: Your sister was a slob.

AGNES: She was sixteen.

MILES: She was a sixteen year old slob.

AGNES: Where do I even begin with all this?

MILES: Man, your sister was really into some geeky stuff.

AGNES: Yep

MILES: You sure you don’t want any help? ‘Cause you know I’m strong, right? Like bull.

AGNES: You’re also clumsy. Like ass.

MILES: I’m not clumsy

AGNES: Should I remind you of my former coffee table?

MILES: It was faulty design.

AGNES: Thanks for the help, babe, but you should go, I should pack this myself. I’m her sister it’s part of the job.

MILES: You sure?

AGNES: Positive.

MILES: Alright then, I’ll just go ahead start moving some of your boxes over to OUR new place

AGNES: That sounds like a good plan…just don’t drop anything

MILES: I love you

AGNES: Aw gross(SCENE CHANGE)

MILES: Agnes! Check it out, guess who just got the new Smashing Pumpkins double disk -

CHUCK: Dude, nice!…Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.”

MILES: Who the hell are you?

CHUCK: Oh, sorry, I’m chuck. I’m Agnes’s DM and you are?

MILES: You’re her what?

CHUCK: Oh right, I’m not supposed to talk about that. I’m her friend. Her secret friend.

MILES: You’re my grilfriend’s “secret freind”?

CHUCK: Yeah, and you are?

MILES: Her boyfriend

CHUCK: Oh yeah? I didn’t know she was dating anyone.

MILES: Hold up, she didn’t tell you about me?

CHUCK: Well that’s probably my fault. I keep her pretty busy if you know what I mean.

MILES: Keep her busy doing what?

CHUCK: Fighting monsters, my man, Fighting. Monsters.

MILES: I don’t even know what that means. But I do know it means I sorta really want to punch you right now

CHUCK: Why?

MILES: ‘Cause she’s my girlfriend

CHUCK: No man! It ain’t like that. We just role-play!

MILES: You what!?!

CHUCK: Look, I got no feelings for her, okay?…There’s no long term commitments!

MILES: Alright, I’m gonna break you in half, you son of a—

AGNES: Hey Chuck, sorry I’m late, but check out what I found! I think they’ll help me stay in character….

MILES: Hey.

AGNES: Oh, hi.

MILES: Um… I think I should go.

AGNES: Why?

MILES: You’re clearly busy.

AGNES: Oh God, you know about this now, don’t you?

MILES: Yeah, I’d say so.

AGNES: You don’t think I;m a dork now, do you?

MILES: No, that’s not what I’m thinking

CHUCK: Hey man, you can join us if you want

MILES: Say what?

CHUCK: Please, call me Biggs. ‘Cause I’m big. Where it counts. So do you wanna play?

MILES: I’m gonna have to…bye

CHUCK and TILLY: It’s for her. (SCENE CHANGE ENTER VERA OFFICE)

MILES: Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?

VERA: What are you doing here?

MILES: I need advice

VERA: Are you looking to return to high school?

MILES: No.

VERA: Are you grades slipping?

MILES: No.

VERA: Then I have nothing to advise you on. I’m a high school guidance counselor, Miles, not your therapist

MILES: You’re my friend.

STEVE: Hi, Miss Martin. Is this a bad time?

MILES: YES

STEVE: Hi

MILES: Hey.

VERA: So what can I do for you?

MILES: Agnes is cheating on me with a high school kid!

STEVE: Well, I was thinking about dropping…since it’s really my only extracurricular activity

MILES: Kid, that shit don’t matter

VERA: Miles!

MILES: But you know what does matter? Your girlfriend hooking up with a high school student!

STEVE: Alright

MILES: So what do I do?

VERA: Break up with her.

MILES: Really?

VERA: Yes, really…in the first place

MILES: That’s not true

STEVE: Miss Evans? Well, she is really pretty.

MILES: Yo, what is up with high school boys digging on my girlfriend?

VERA: See what I’m saying?

MILES: Who asked you?

STEVE: Miss Martin did.

MILES: Well, it doesn’t matter either way, because she’s cheating on me.

VERA: Miles, she’s not cheating on you.

MILES: I met him. She admitted it. He’s her “secret friend.”

VERA: Yeah, I know.

MILES: You know?

VERA: He’s her Dungeon Master.

MILES: He brings her into a dungeon?

STEVE: Actually, in a typical D20 scheme…rolling the dice—-

MILES+VERA: Shut up, Stephen. She’s playing D&D

STEVE: Miss Evans plays D&D? Wow. Cool.

MILES: Don’t you even think about it, kid

STEVE: Thank you?

MILES: You really suck at your job.

STEVE: Well, I think you both suck.

MILES: So she’s just playing D&D? That’s it? Why?

AGNES: You’re not actually him…not actually him.

MILES: Hey, baby, how ya doing? Have you finished packing the apartment just yet?

AGNES: Uh, not yet

MILES: Well, get to it!

AGNES: You’re not actually Miles.

MILES: Don’t tell me who I am!

AGNES: You guys suck

MILES: Hey, baby, since you’re down there, why don’t you shine my shoes!

Agnes: AHHH! +after slow mo dodge and cut

MILES: You can’t hurt me. I’m wearing armor.

CHUCK: Let me see…You….the Mountain of Steepness when suddenly you run back into…..

MILES: Hey.

AGNES: Hey

MILES: Am I interrupting anything?

CHUCK: Well, sorta

MILES: Were you guys playing…Dungeons and Dragons?

AGNES: Yeah.

MILES: Cool.

Agnes No.

MILES: Vera told you huh?

AGNES: Yep

MILES: I misinterpreted…

AGNES: With a high schooler?

MILES: Well, he is really big for his age

CHUCK: I’m not big, maybe you’re just small. Where it counts.

MILES: What.(threateningly)

CHUCK: Nothing!

MILES: Are you mad at me?

AGNES: I’m not happy

MILES: Okay, that’s fair, but you’re not mad.

AGNES: Well, keep asking that question and we’ll see.

MILES: Well, I came by because I thought, maybe, we could go back to our new place and start unpacking some boxes

AGNES: I’m still not finished packing Tilly’s room.

MILES: No, what I’m saying is maybe we can go back, to our new place and, you know, do some “unpacking.” I have something special planned that you might like.

AGNES: Like what?

MILES: Like…special

AGNES: I’m busy Miles

MILES: You’re just playing a game

AGNES: It’s more than that

MILES: Can it not wait for just one night?

AGNES: No.

MILES: Well, okay, how about Friday? Can we hang out on Friday?

AGNES: I don’t know…

MILES: I thought you said you weren’t mad

AGNES: I’m not mad. I’;m just focused on this right now

MILES: Baby, come on.

CHUCK: Hey, do you want to play?

MILES: What?

AGNES: He doesn’t want to play

MILES: Actually, I would. I would like to play, Chuck.

AGNES: What are you doing?

MILES: This is important to you and I want to be part of it

AGNES: It’s private though

MILES: I know. But you never talk to me about Tilly or your parents or any of it. I just..if this could help me get to know you better, I wanna try. Please

AGNES: You’re for real?

MILES: I am

ORCUS: Bout time we got some more testosterone…I’m Orcus. resident “horny dude.”

MILES: So this is Dungeons and Dragons, huh? Neat.

AGNES: Right, just like last time when you made me KILL MY BOYFRIEND?

MILES: You killed me???

AGNES: No, I just killed a big fat blob that looked like you.

MILES: I Look like a big fat blob?

TILLY, KALIOPE, ORCUS, LILITH: Adlib

MILES: Trust me babe. Whatever it is, we’re going to be fine. I’m here now

AGNES: Miles, get back!

MILES: Why?

TILLY: Get back behind us dummy!

MILES: Guys, they’re just two cute little girls. What are they going to do?

AGNES: I don’t care what you have to do, Chuck. Just bring her back. Now.

MILES: Hey, babe. Um, maybe you should take a breather. I just died, and I’m fine.

AGNES: No, I’m not going to let my sister just suffer like this.

MILES: It’s not actually your sister

AGNES: Screw you!

MILES: Babe..

AGNES: No! Wrong answer!

MILES: Agnes…

AGNES: I was getting to know you. I was just starting to get to know you

MILES: Getting to know who babe?

AGNES: But you are

TILLY+MILES: Agnes.