Contemporary Line Scene

(Gately fixing radio. Off-stage we hear Silvio's voice)

Hey, gorgeous. turn around. Ta-dah! Woo! (Entering) Did you ever ask yourself the secret of my incredible sexual power over women?

No.

Why the nurses can't resist me?

The nurses hate you, Silvio.

Ah. That's what they would have you believe.

They got me believin' it.

You wanna hear a great line for picking girls up?

Sure

Now this works best for Catholic girls.

Okay

You tell 'em you're a priest.

A priest.

Okay. Look we'll set the scene. This what they call setting the scene. Now, you're sitting there. At the table. What can the table be?

A table.

Okay. We'll make it a table. We're in a night club.

Can it be a singles joint?

Gately, you been to a single joint?

No

Okay, I tell you what. In settin' the scene we'll make this a singles joint.

Where'd you learn all this?

Once I hung around a USO group that was rehearsing. A Bob Hope thing. I tell you something', Gately…

Yeah?

Never be afraid to mingle in the arts.

All right!

Okay, so we're in a singles joint. And you're a broad. Everybody's being hustled. It's a ****ing meat market!

What's a nice girl like me doing in a place like this?

That's it! That's it! That's what's called gettin' into character!

Am I lonely?

Are you lonely? A face like that. What do you think.

I'm lonely, huh?

That's right. You're like ugly Catholic girls all over the world. You're like a different breed. You sit there being ugly, ruining life for everybody else.

Are you lonely?

Gately! I'm a priest! Of course I'm lonely. I'm one of the loneliest, horniest guys on the face of the earth. OK, you're sitting there by yourself. So I come in and I look around. No, you don't see me yet, Gately. I see you. I come over and I say, "Pardon me, miss, is this seat taken?"

Yes, it is.

What?

Buzz off

No. You don't say nothing.

You want me to call the management?

That's not the way it goes.

Male chauvinist pig.

Gately.

What?

Don't give me such a hard time, OK?

I just wanted to make it realistic.

Okay. But you're making it too realistic. We'll do it again. So I come in very depressed and - you don't see me yet, Gately - I see you and I come over and I say, "Pardon me, miss, but is this seat taken?"

Well, why not.

Mind if I sit down?

Well, why not. (2nd)

May I order you another drink?

Well, sure.

Bartender. Two more of the same. Do you mind if I smoke?

Well, why not. I don't want it.

Why not?

You've slobbered all over it.

No I haven't.

You've had it in your mouth.

Gately, take the ****in' cigarette. I hope you won't think I'm being too personal but… What's your name.

Woodruff Gately

Woodruff?

Woodruff.

I've never known a girl named Woodruff before.

You've never known a girl like me.

If I seem a little nervous, it's because I don't usually come to this kind of place. Have you ever come to this kind of place?

I'm a Baptist.

You must be very lonely.

Why, because I'm a Baptist?

Can I tell you something very personal.

Okay. But don't get smutty.

I just wanted to tell you that I don't get a chance to meet beautiful women. You see, actually, I'm a priest.

Well, I don't get a chance to meet men. You see, actually, I'm a lesbian.

That's it! Forget it, Gately.

I'm sorry!

No! No! Let's just forget it. I try to teach you something! Give you the benefit of my experience, my life! You know what you are. I'll tell you what you are. A fuking ingrate, that's what you are. Why'd you make her a lesbian?

I don't know.

Not even a priest could pick up a lesbian. Nobody could pick up a lesbian.

A lesbian could!

Who cares! That does me no good. I can't become a lesbian every time I wanna get laid.

No. (ending)

You see my point.

You could become a transvestite.

What?

Wear women's clothes.

But I don't want to wear women's clothes.

I know you don't.

I know I don't, too.

You want to wear a kilt.

That's right.

Which is nearly women's clothes.

You know something, Gately? At the rate you're going, you may never get laid.