Scene 1 One Act Play Chemical Imbalance

Mr. Utterson’s here.

Evening all! Sorry I;m late. Leaving so soon, Ambrosia?

I’m off to labor ‘neath the ramparts of Mother’s chignon.  If I’m not back in an hour, send a search party.

 Yes, well, I daresay we will!  Good grief, what’s that fuzz all over your jacket, old chum?  Looks like dog hair.

 Dog hair?  Why no, it must have come from the rabbits at the laboratory (exit Ambrosia). I’ve got to speak with you in private!

Very well.

 It’s a matter of the utmost importance!

 Well, what is it?

Not here.  In the laboratory! Prepare yourself for a shock.  You remember the experiments I told you I’d begun, into the chemical separation of good and evil?

I daresay it rings a bell.

Well, I’ve done it! I’ve found the chemical compound!

You don’t mean to say—

Xavier, I attacked a dog with my bare hands!

Attacked a dog?

A Christmas dog, dressed up like old St. Nick!

Look here, this is all very alarming.  You seem to be suffering from some sort of nervous condition. Perhaps a few days at the seashore would benefit—

Oh, Xavier…Poor, well-meaning, innocent, kind, pathetic, useless Xavier.  Don’t you see? Why, I’ve solved the problem of our dual nature!  With this chemical compound I can separate the good from the evil in my own hopelessly divided self, and become purely one or the other!

But who on earth would want to be pure evil?

HEN: All of us!  Imagine being free to roam the world, shouting at strangers, kicking and biting, grabbing whatever you want with no inhibition, mowing down whoever gets in your way, no longer constrained by the rules of polite society…

XAV: Good heavens!  It sounds like being an American!

HEN: Not now.  Run along! (exit Ivy)

XAV: Well, I certainly hope this Hyde fellow doesn’t know about your experiments.

HEN: Ha! I should say he does!  Hyde’s the name I’ve given my evil-doing twin! Do say you’ll keep it a secret, at least until I perfect the formula.  It needs something else, something to make it even more evil… And with some minor modifications, I’ll be his master, able to unleash him at will and then leash him again!

XAV: Are you sure you need that potion, old chum?  I must say, you’re exceedingly evil without it. 

HEN: (crossing back to drawing room) Oh, this is nothing compared to my real evil side.  Is my tie on straight?  Miss Dewthistle is coming to dine.

XAV: Ah, Miss Dewthistle! (enter Ivy)

AMB: Oh, Miss Dewthistle’s made a joke!  Oh, isn’t it funny! (all force laughter)

XAV: Well done, Miss Dewthistle!

Yes, Mother.

XAV: I’ll go with you.  You might need some assistance. (Exit Henry and Xavier)

LADY T: Ah, young love.  One almost envies them, doesn’t one? (They recede.  Xavier and Henry appear)

XAV: Ah, the famous fire poker (picks it up). Our little she-devil can’t be far…

HENRY: Xavier, you must help me with Miss Dewthistle.

XAV: Help you?  What do you mean, help you?

HENRY: I mean you must help me talk to her.  Ambrosia insists on throwing us together and I have no idea what to say to her!

XAV: Well, why don’t you talk about the things women like to talk about?

HENRY: Such as?

XAV: Oh, I’m no expert, old man.  But I believe they generally talk about hats and flowers.

HENRY: That’s my cousin Xavier, but don’t interrupt, Penelope—(she growls and bites him, holds on) Ow!  I mean, truly!  Ow!  Hit her with the poker!  The poker!

XAV: (pulls off Penelope) Now listen, little girl, you mustn’t go around biting people.  (she kicks him twice) Ow!  Ow!

HENRY: Ow!  (exit Penelope)

XAV: Did you hear what that little hellion called me?

HENRY: A thtupid thithie.

XAV: I haven’t been through three years of medical school to be called thtupid!

HENRY: Our encounter with that miniature harpy has given me an idea.  Perhaps a drop of blood from that violent little girl is just what I need to complete my potion.

XAV: You don’t mean you’re going to—

LADY T: Please, Dr. Jekyll.  She has a weak heart and under-sized spleen. (enter Xavier)

XAV: Did I hear someone call olly-oxen-free?  I was in the laboratory and—(sees Calliope and gasps)

AMB: No, no.  It’s the good one.

XAV: Ah.

HENRY: I’m afraid the games are over.  It appears we’ve mistaken our quarry.

XAV: Yes, I see. (enter Ivy)

IVY: Excuse me, Madam.  I heard the bell ring but I was all the way down in the—(she sees Calliope and gasps)

XAV: No, no, it’s the good one.