Psych of Marriage Midterm

What is Gottman’s central idea about conflict?

Conflict itself is not the problem; how partners manage conflict, repair after it, and maintain connection predicts relationship success.

What positive-to-negative interaction ratio was emphasized in class?

A 5:1 ratio: positive interactions should substantially outnumber negative ones.

What are the two weight-bearing walls of Gottman’s Sound Relationship House?

Trust and commitment.

What does trust require according to Gottman?

Transparency and the belief that your partner will be there for you in a time of need.

What two questions summarize trust?

“Are you truthful?” and “Are you there for me?”

What is a Love Map?

Your knowledge of your partner’s inner world, including their dreams, stressors, values, friends, history, likes, and dislikes.

What is Gottman Principle 1?

Enhance your Love Maps.

What is Gottman Principle 2?

Nurture fondness and admiration.

What is Gottman Principle 3?

Turn toward each other instead of away.

What is Gottman Principle 4?

Let your partner influence you.

What is Gottman Principle 5?

Solve your solvable problems.

What is Gottman Principle 6?

Overcome gridlock.

What is Gottman Principle 7?

Create shared meaning.

How do fondness and admiration help a relationship?

They create the friendship base of a long-lasting relationship and counter contempt.

What does it mean to turn toward a partner?

Respond positively to their bid for attention, affection, humor, support, or connection.

What is a bid for connection?

Any verbal or nonverbal attempt to get attention, affection, support, humor, conversation, sex, or shared activity.

What is turning away from a bid?

Ignoring the bid or acting distracted or preoccupied.

What is turning against a bid?

Responding with hostility, argument, sarcasm, or ridicule.

What does turning toward build?

Emotional connection and the emotional bank account.

What does “let your partner influence you” mean?

Share power and remain open to your partner’s ideas, needs, and perspective.

What are the two types of marital conflict in Gottman’s model?

Solvable problems and perpetual problems.

What is a solvable problem?

A problem that can be addressed through practical communication and conflict-management skills.

What is a perpetual problem?

An ongoing difference rooted in personality, values, lifestyle, history, or dreams; most couples have them.

What is gridlock?

A perpetual problem in which partners become entrenched, feel rejected, lose humor and affection, make no progress, and disengage emotionally.

What is the goal when a couple faces gridlock?

Move from gridlock to dialogue and understand the dreams or values beneath each person’s position.

What are dreams within conflict?

The underlying values, identity, history, hopes, or life dreams that make a partner’s position meaningful.

What is a repair attempt?

Anything that de-escalates conflict and helps partners reconnect, such as humor, an apology, or asking for a break.

What is a soft start-up?

Beginning a difficult conversation gently with a specific concern, an “I” statement, and a clear need rather than blame.

What are the five steps for solving solvable problems?

Soften the start-up; make and receive repair attempts; soothe yourself and each other; cooperate or compromise; tolerate faults.

What is criticism?

An attack on a partner’s character rather than a complaint about a specific behavior.

What is the antidote to criticism?

Use a gentle or soft start-up and make a specific complaint using “I feel” statements.

What is contempt?

Disrespect, moral superiority, mockery, sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, eye-rolling, or scoffing.

What is the antidote to contempt?

Build a culture of appreciation, fondness, admiration, and respect.

What is defensiveness?

Making excuses, playing the innocent victim, cross-complaining, or refusing responsibility when criticized.

What is the antidote to defensiveness?

Accept responsibility for part of the problem and listen to the concern without counterattacking.

What is stonewalling?

Withdrawing, shutting down, tuning out, turning away, or acting busy because conflict feels overwhelming.

What is the antidote to stonewalling?

Recognize flooding, take at least 20 minutes to self-soothe, then return to the conversation or schedule a time to continue.

What is flooding?

Being physically and emotionally overwhelmed during conflict, making it difficult to think and communicate rationally.

Why should partners use “I feel” statements?

They help turn blame and criticism into a specific complaint and support a soft start-up.

Why should partners avoid “always” and “never” during conflict?

They create global criticism and defensiveness instead of keeping the conversation focused on a specific issue.

What does “attack the problem, not the person” mean?

Address the behavior or issue without attacking your partner’s character.

Why are time-outs useful during conflict?

They allow partners to self-soothe when flooded so they can return to the problem more calmly.

What should someone say before leaving for a time-out?

“I’ll be back,” so the break does not feel like emotional cut-off or abandonment.

What does ATTUNE stand for?

Awareness, Turning toward, Tolerance, Understanding, Nondefensive listening, and Empathy.

What is awareness in ATTUNE?

Noticing and acknowledging the other person’s emotions and current world.

What is tolerance in ATTUNE?

Respecting a different viewpoint or feeling without dismissing it or insisting on your own view first.

What is understanding in ATTUNE?

Trying to get the other person’s perspective and asking questions such as “Help me understand.”

What is nondefensive listening in ATTUNE?

Clarifying and reflecting back what you heard instead of arguing, judging, or attacking.

What is empathy in ATTUNE?

Accurately identifying, acknowledging, and validating feelings so the other person feels felt.

What are the three components of Sternberg’s Triangle of Love?

Intimacy, passion, and commitment.

Where should intimacy be labeled on Sternberg’s triangle?

At the lower-left point.

Where should passion be labeled on Sternberg’s triangle?

At the top point.

Where should commitment be labeled on Sternberg’s triangle?

At the lower-right point.

What is intimacy in Sternberg’s theory?

Emotional closeness, being known, understanding, and sharing inner experiences.

What is passion in Sternberg’s theory?

Romantic and sexual attraction, excitement, desire, and physical affection.

What is commitment in Sternberg’s theory?

The decision to stay, protect, and work on the relationship over time.

Which Gottman concepts especially strengthen intimacy?

Love Maps, fondness and admiration, turning toward bids, and ATTUNE.

Which Gottman concepts especially support commitment?

Trust and commitment as the weight-bearing walls, conflict management, and shared meaning.

What is liking or friendship love?

Intimacy only.

What is infatuation?

Passion only.

What is empty love?

Commitment only.

What is romantic love?

Intimacy plus passion.

What is companionate love?

Intimacy plus commitment.

What is fatuous love?

Passion plus commitment.

What is consummate love?

Intimacy plus passion plus commitment.

What is nonlove?

The absence of intimacy, passion, and commitment; it is not one of Sternberg’s seven named love types.

How can an arranged marriage fit Sternberg’s model?

It may begin as empty love with commitment only and develop intimacy and passion over time.

Why can fatuous love be risky?

Commitment is driven by passion without the stabilizing influence of intimacy or deep knowledge of each other.

Why can romantic love be unstable?

It has intimacy and passion, but without commitment the partners may separate when stress or major difficulties arise.

What describes companionate love?

Deep affection and a lasting bond with little or no passion; it may occur in close friendships, family, or long-term marriages.

What is differentiation of self?

Maintaining a solid self under stress, balancing thinking and feeling, and using “I” statements while remaining emotionally connected.

How does differentiation of self connect to Gottman?

It supports soft start-ups, self-soothing, accepting influence, and conflict management without losing yourself.

What is a triangle in family systems theory?

When two people pull in a third person or object to lower tension in their relationship.

How can someone get out of a triangle?

Set boundaries and encourage the person to talk directly with the person involved.

What is blame-shifting or projection?

Blaming others for your own mistakes or making one person the scapegoat for the system’s problems.

How does blame-shifting relate to Gottman’s ideas?

It resembles criticism and defensiveness; the healthier alternative is taking responsibility and making a specific complaint.

What is distancing or emotional cut-off?

Pulling away emotionally or running away when anxiety is high.

How is a healthy time-out different from emotional cut-off?

A healthy time-out includes self-soothing and a clear return to the conversation; emotional cut-off is withdrawal without reconnection.

What are boundaries in family systems theory?

Clear lines that define who I am and who I am not.

How do healthy boundaries support relationships?

They allow interdependence and connection without enmeshment, triangulation, or emotional cut-off.