[ACT 3] Jack Worthing The Importance of Being Earnest Lines

Gwendolen: Ernest! My own Ernest!

Gwendolen! Darling!

Gwendolen: A moment! May I ask if you are engaged to be married to this young lady?

To dear little Cecily! Of course not. What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head?

Gwendolen: Is your name really John?

I could deny it if I liked. I could deny anything if I liked. But my name certainly is John. It has been John for years.

Gwendolen: MONOLOGUE. …so it is a matter of some importance to us to know where your brother Ernest is at present.

Gwendolen—Cecily—it is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth. I will tell you quite frankly that I have no brother Ernest. I have no brother at all. I never had a brother in my life, and I certainly have not the smallest intention of ever having one in the future.

Cecily: No brother at all!

None.

Cecily: No: men are so cowardly, aren’t they?

What on earth did you mean by coming down here and pretending to be my brother? Perfectly monstrous of you!

Algernon: What on earth did you mean by pretending to have a brother? It was absolutely disgraceful!

This ghastly state of things is what you call Bunburying, I suppose?

Algernon: Yes, and a perfectly wonderful Bunbury it is. The most wonderful Bunbury I have ever had in my life.

Well, you’ve no right whatsoever to Bunbury in my house.

Algernon: That is absurd. One has a right to Bunbury anywhere one chooses. Every serious Bunburyist knows that.

Serious Bunburyist! Good heavens!

Algernon: Well, one must be serious about something, if one wants to have any amusement in life.

Well the only small satisfaction I have in the whole of this wretched business is that your friend Bunbury is quite exploded. You won’t be able to run down to the country quite so often as you used to do, dear Algy.

Algernon: You won’t be able to disappear to London quite as frequently as your wicked custom was.

As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must say that your taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like that is quite inexcusable. To say nothing of the fact that she is my ward.

Algernon: MONOLOGUE. To say nothing of the fact that she is my cousin.

I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all. I love her.

Algernon: Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily. I adore her.

There is certainly no chance of your marrying Miss Cardew.

Algernon: I don’t think there is much likelihood, Jack, of you and Miss Fairfax being united.

Well, that is no business of yours.

Algernon: If it was my business I wouldn’t talk about it. It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business.

How you can sit there, calmly eating muffins, when we are in this horrible trouble, I can’t make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless.

Algernon: MONOLOGUE. It is the only way to eat them.

I say it is perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances.

Algernon: MONOLOGUE. Besides, I am particulary fond of muffins.

Well, that is no reason why you should eat them all in that greedy way.

Algernon: I wish you would have tea-cake, instead. I don’t like tea-cake.

Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own house!

Algernon: But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins.

I said it was perfectly heartless of you under the circumstances. That is a very different thing.

Algernon: That may be. But the muffins are the same.

Algy! I wish to goodness you would leave my house— I don’t want you here. What on earth are you staying for?

Algernon: I have not finished my tea yet. And after that, I have got to be baptised.

What on earth do you mean by talking about being baptised after tea?

Algernon: I have just made arrangements with Dr Chasuble to be baptised at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest.

My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense, the better. I made arrangements this morning with Dr Chasuble to be baptised myself at five-thirty, and I naturally will take the name of Ernest. Gwendolen would wish it. We can’t both be christened Ernest. It’d be absurd. Besides, I have a perfect right to be baptised, if I like. There is no evidence at all that I ever have been baptised by anybody. You have been baptised already.

Algernon: Yes, but I have not been baptised for years.

Yes, but you have been baptised. That is the important thing.

Algernon: MONOLOGUE. …nearly carried off this week in Paris by a severe chill.

Yes; but you said yourself it was not hereditary, or anything of the kind.

Algernon: It usen’t to be, I know—but I dare say it is now.

May I ask, Algy, what on earth do you propose to do?

Algernon: Nothing.

Well, I shall go into the house and see Gwendolen. I feel quite sure she expects me.

Algernon: MONOLOGUE. One should always do what a woman doesn’t expect.

Oh, that is nonsense. You are always talking nonsense.

Algernon: It is much cleverer to talk nonsense than to listen to it. Jack, you are eating the muffins again! I wish you wouldn’t. There are only two left. I told you I was particularly fond of muffins.

But I hate tea-cake.

Algernon: Why on earth do you allow tea-cakes to be served up to your guests, then?

Oh! that is not the point. We are not discussing tea-cakes. Algy! I have already told you to go. I don’t want you here. Why don’t you go?