Dances of Intimacy

How is intimacy a dance?

Action - reaction - interaction.

Interactions:

Separate - parallel - connected

Affective attunement

Equal responsiveness to all expressions of affect (happy, sad, angry).

Three types of communication

Expressive, receptive, reflective

Expressive skills

Clarity, congruence, depth. (“I statements”, Increased vocab, XYZ statements, distinguish feelings, what & how questions)

Receptive skills

Listening with whole body, openness to the others thoughts, feelings, and persepctives.

Reflective Skills

Stepping back, owning responsibility, perspective-taking.

Attachment anxiety

Tension and stress due to anticipation of loss, worsened by emotional memories.

Spillover anxiety

Mirroring partners emotions and stress (emotional enmeshment).

Pursue / distancer dance

The more one pursues, the more the other distances.

Triangulation

Involvement of a third party

Positive Partner/ negative partner dance

One partner always positive, other always negative

Contests of misery dance

Competition over who has it worse

Giver - taker dance

One person constantly gives support, time and resources. The other only takes.

Dominant / submissive dance

Behaviors, customs, involving submission of one person to another.

Patterns that fuel unhealthy intimacy dances

Control and jealousy

Control

Stems from insecurity from past/present and brought into relationship.

Jealousy

Emotional and behavioral response to perceived threat. stems from insecurity.

Anxious jealousy

“He hasn’t called me”

Possessive jealousy

“Don’t talk to other guys”

Reactive jealousy

“Don’t go to lunch with amy after what happened”

Types of jealousy

anxious, possessive, reactive

Overfunctioner / underfunctioner dance

One partner does everything, and the other partner does very little.

Dating scripts

Pre-conceived notions of how a date should go, with culturally derived rules for men and women

Cycle/spiral of abuse

- Abuser shows loving, kind behavior toward the victim

- Tension builds again

- Another violent event happens

- The abuser expresses remorse, feels ashamed, and tries to minimize the abuse.