tin roof rusted

As Nick studies a menu, Kate enters, sneaks up from behind, and slaps him on the butt. Without missing a beat, they THRUST their groins together and GRUNT -- like the sound a 12-year-old boy might make the first time he jerks off. This is their “hello.”

Thanks for coming in. I would’ve

called in sick, but I thought four

times in one month might be pushing

it. So?! What’s the big news?

Mike and I are...

Oh my God. You guys are finally

getting a pool! Fuck yes! I’ve

been asking for that for years!

This is so exciting. Now I can buy

that inflatable gorilla floaty!

Maybe we–

No...

What then?

Mike and I are... trying!!!

... Trying what?

To get pregnant!

Ugh gross, don’t talk like that. 

“Trying” makes it seem like he 

doesn’t know where to put it.

We’ve actually been trying for

awhile now. My doctor says my

uterine lining is really thick and

my cervical mucus is very clear.

Don’t come into my cafe talking

about your linings and your mucus!

You’re gonna scare the customers!

Is that all you have to say? I

tell you that we’re trying to get

pregnant and that’s your response?

Why do straight people always say

that? “We’re” trying to get 

pregnant. Does Mike have a uterus

I don’t know about? I always just

assumed he was bloated.

You know what I mean.

If this is what you really want,

then congratulations. I just think

it’s a little fast is all.

We’ve been together for nine years.

But we’re too young!

We’re not that young!

I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m happy

for you guys.

The girls at work are going to

freak out! Beth said when Brayden

was born everything changed. Says

she can’t even remember life

before him.

That’s extremely sad...

I think it’s sweet!

Of course his name is “Brayden.” A

woman named Beth shouldn't be

allowed to name anything. Beth is

a fat girl’s name.

Be nice.

I hate when you tell me to be

nice! I’m not a child!

Nick finds a piece of crushed chocolate in his apron

Milky Way!!!!!!

Just be nice when you meet them.

Do I have to? I bet I know exactly

what they’re like.

Really? What are they like?

Beth’s probably the kind of person

who doesn’t cuss. She’ll say like,

“Cheese and rice!” instead of

“Jesus Christ.” Am I right?

Just stop.

And I bet one of them is a person

who’s like, “I’m sooo weird, I

love true crime shows about

murder!” And it’s like, yeah

bitch, we all love murder.

Enough.

I would bet my life that one of

them owns a shirt that says “Wine

not?” with a picture of a giant

glass of wine on it.

I guess you’ll just have to see

for yourself on Friday.

What’s on Friday?

The dinner party. At my house.

Ugh do I have to go??

Nick, I told you about this weeks

ago. You can’t back out now. Plus,

Roger’s gonna be there.

Roger?!? Why do people in the

suburbs have such awful names?!

It’ll be fun! Don’t you want to

meet a guy?

I meet guys all the time.

I’m serious! You can’t keep seeing

Danny.

I barely ever see him!

...usually we do doggie style.

Are you sure he’s not homeless? I

ran into him in the hall one and

he asked if I had any change.

He’s not homeless. I’m like 85% sure.

What does he do for work?

He’s ummm...

A dog walker...

A what?

A dog walker.

Seriously?

That’s not all he does! He’s like

an entrepreneur. He sort of

bounces around between different

things.

Let me guess-- He has a podcast?

I think he has a podcast...

It’s not like I’m gonna marry him!

That’s why you’re gonna come over

and meet Roger! Someone you could

marry! Someone who has a 401k.

Someone who doesn’t high-five you

after sex.

That was only twice...

Don’t you think it’s time to grow

up just a little bit? I’m not

saying you have to settle down

right now, but shouldn’t you at

least start thinking about it?

Don’t you want a family?

My friends are my family! You’re

my family!

I know, but we’re getting older.

We need to start our own families.

I’m having a baby for God’s sake!

You have to accept that. We’re not

21 anymore.

Is that it? Are you done with your

little TED Talk?

Come over, meet Roger. If you

don’t like him, then at least you

can say you tried. Don’t you get

sick of being alone? At least 

sometimes?

No! Being single is awesome. I can

go out whenever I want, hook up

with whoever I want, do whatever I

want. I honestly wouldn’t trade it 

for anything.