Marvin Lines - Noses Off by Don Zolidis (First Scene)

For Noses Off, a murder mystery comedy by Don Zolidis

LILA. Lets go from Marvin’s enterance

MARVIN. Hello my good sir.

JAKE. You must be Mr. Von Haberstam, the wealthy businessman.

MARVIN. I see my reputation precedes me. And I do not enjoy being called out of my very important meetings for a mysterious gathering here on this island.

JAKE+MARVIN. You must be Mr. Von Haberstam, the wealthy businessman.

MARVIN. I see my reputation precedes me. And I do not enjoy being called out of my very important meetings for a mysterious gathering here on this island.

JAKE+MARVIN. All will become clear in time, Mr. Von Haberstam

MARVIN. All will become clear in time, Mr. Von Haberstam

JAKE. Im sorry what are you doing?

MARVIN. What?

JAKE. You’re saying my lines.

MARVIN. I’m sorry! This is just- this is my first show so I spent all week memorizing the play.

OBO. That’s so awesome!

MARVIN. Well some of the lines are terrible.

LILA. Okay—Marvin—only say your lines okay?

MARVIN. That’s what I’m trying to do.

LILA. Good.

MARVIN. Unless someone forgets their line.

LILA. Only your lines.

MARVIN. Got it.

LILA. Let’s go from-

MARVIN. All will become clear in time, Mr Von Haberstam x2

JAKE+MARVIN. All will become clear in time, Mr Von Haberstam

MARVIN. Well I should hope so!

JAKE+MARVIN. May I show you to your room?

MARVIN. How dare you say that, sir? I will not be placated like a muffin!

OBO. Keep going! It’s a metaphor!

JAKE+MARVIN. I wouldn’t dream of placating you sir! And you are certainly no muffin!

JAKE+MARVIN. I wouldn’t dream of placating you sir! And you are certainly no muffin!

MARVIN. Ha! No Muffin.

JAKE+MARVIN. Please, Your room is this way

MARVIN. Is it?

JAKE+MARVIN MARVIN. Follow me please…

MARVIN. Your line is “Follow me please”

JAKE. I said that.

MARVIN. No you said, “If you’ll just follow me,” Which is not the right line…Follow me please.

JAKE + MARVIN. Follow me please.

MARVIN. Is mine on the right? / Yes on the right.

JAKE. Your bags sure are non-existent.

MARVIN. That’s not in the script.

JAKE. He dies soon right? Someone kills him early?

MARVIN. I’m the third to die. Voodoo. Um…is there a costume back here? There’s supposed to be a costume change?

LILA. Yes, do the costume change

MARVIN. But there’s no costume. I’m supposed to change in like two minutes?

LILA. Okay then. And let’s keep going. Just pretend your changing.

MARVIN. is it cool if I say everyone’s line backstage?

LILA. Sure, whatever. And…Doorbell.

MARVIN. Ding-dong.

JAKE. Do I say something here?

Marvin. No!

LILA. Yes. You have all dressed for dinner.

MARVIN. We’re skipping pages 27 through 31?

LILA. Aw, man. STOP MAKING OUT.

EVERYONE. STOP MAKING OUT WITH EACH OTHER.

LILA. Figure it out. Let’s go from “Why don’t you have a look at these folders?”

MARVIN. Why don’t you have a look at these folders?

LILA. Mime it!

MARVIN. You’ll find incriminating photos and evidence inside of each of these folders…How did you get these?..You’ve even got a folder of my dog!...I’m pretty sure this is illegal. This will never work!

TAYLOR. What is your name? MARVIN? You need to stop before I kill you.

MARVIN. I’m not doing anything.

BRENDA. Did I miss my line? Did I screw up again?! Oh no! Oh no!

MARVIN. Yes you did.

LILA. You’re fine. You’re fine. Just make up a line.

MARVIN. What? Her line is “This’ll never work.”

MILLIE. Which one of you is Marvin?

MARVIN. That’s me! It’s actually my first time being in a show and…ow!

BRENDA. I don’t remember how we get there.

MARVIN. We each say a few words, then the lights go out, and when we wake up, Masha is gone and Arnold is dead.

LILA. And lights up.

MARVIN. What’s going on?! What was that?! Did you hear that noise?! It sounded like someone got shot! I wonder if they’re going to have dessert soon! Aaaah!

ELANOR. Aaaah!

MARVIN. You only have on “Aaah” There. I know.

Tristan. Now wait just one darn tottin’ minute! Yee-haw.

MARVIN. Here is fifty thousand dollars. I will be leaving.

Tristan. Wait a minute, y’all. Someone is missing.

MARVIN. Who’s missing?

[Alone]

MARVIN. Well, Miss Water moose, we are alone.

BRENDA. Yes

MARVIN. You are familiar with my work, are you not?

BRENDA. Mr Von Haberstam, I have kept silent until now, but if you don’t…

MARVIN. (Whisper) If you don’t reveal my secrets—

BRENDA. I know that, I’m just—You’re throwing me off—

MARVIN. If you don’t reveal my secrets—

BRENDA. I know my line.

MARVIN. you didn’t say your lines.

BRENDA. If you dinna reveal my secrets—

MARVIN. Are you supposed to be Scottish?

BRENDA. If you dinna reveal my secrets I won’t let everyone else know.

MARVIN. ha-ha-ha-ha

LILA. That’s an actual laugh. You don’t say “ha-ha-ha-ha”

MARVIN. It’s written “ha-ha-ha-ha” in the script.

LILA. It’s supposed to be a laugh.

MARVIN. Fine. ha-ha-ha-ha-ha You’re supposed to say “ha-ha-ha-ha” too.

BRENDA. I can’t do this! I can’t be onstage with him!

MARVIN. You don’t even know your lines!

BRENDA. Well I’m not goona stand ‘round here and wait to be killed, let’s go find that manly police officer.

MARVIN. Right behind you. Ha-ha-ha-ha

ELEANOR. Ah I’m dead, I’m spurting blood. I’m a stereotype. I’m killed with blood all over me.

Marvin. Aaaah.

LILA. Scream!

MARVIN. THe script says “Aaah.” Like a Dentist.

LILA. YOU’RE DEAD! SHUT UP!

MARVIN. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, little barbie, you couldn’t make it through one night, could you? Now no one will ever learn of the connection between us. I’ll just fix myself a little drink, then?… Is this when I die?

LILA. When you get to the chair.

MARVIN. So um…

LILA. There’ sa needle sticking out of your back. You put it there from the closet.

MARVIN. Is it a real needle?

LILA. DEAD PEOPLE CAN’T COMPLAIN ABOUT THE SCRIPT!

MARVIN. Aaaaah.

LILA. More realistic please!

MARVIN. Aaaah. Can I rey that again? Aaaah. No, I’m just, I have a time dying. Aaaah. Aaaaah? Aaarrrgghh..

STEVE. A crooked cop! You’re under arrest for rthe murder of Wimple Von Haverstam and…

Marvin. Vito Malatucci

BRENDA. Aaaah! He’s dead!

MARVIN. That’s not your line.

BRENDA. Aaaah! He’s missing!

MARVIN. There you go.

ELANOR. Please? I’m dying over here.

MARVIN. I think they should keep going.

TAYLOR. You say my lines then!

MARVIN. You can’t resist me now, can you? Kiss. Kiss. What are you doing, Miss Steele? I’m doing what both of us want. Giving in to our animal urges. Kiss. Kiss. Is it getting hot in here? Oh yeah, baby. Kiss.

STEVE. This is my enterance.

MARVIN. We shouldn’t be doing this. “Shouldn’t isn’t in my vocabulary, Officer. Kiss. Long kiss. It’s getting super hot.

TAYLOR. I’m not saying this line.

MARVIN. You can get to my bottom later, Officer.

ELANOR. Maybe Virginia was your stage name in a drag queen show?

MARVIN. I think Virginia is your mother, who you murdered. (page 40)