Number Theatre Lines

ONE: I’m ONE. My confession? ONE is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do.

Let the pity party begin! Just because you’re ONE does not mean you get to go first. You don’t have a singular problem anyway.

ZERO: We ALL have issues we’re dealing with or we wouldn’t be here, PI. Don’t be a divider.

And why are you always in charge, ZERO?

ZERO: Hey, I’m also right in the middle of the number line.

Yeah, I notice the chairs are set up just how you like ‘em

ONE: We used to set ‘em up MY way. E enters

And who are you?

E: I’m E.

What VALUE are you?

ZERO: You seem angry today, PI. What’s eating you?

If I hear one more person say “Easy as pie,” I’m gonna explode. I multiplied with TWO and that’s where it all started.

ZERO: It’s just an expression. But tell us about your multiplication with TWO. How has that relationship worked out?

It’s pretty much gone full circle.

ZERO: ONE, we’re not here to pass judgment. PI, you didn’t co-sign with him on that plane, did you?

Of course, not. I knew he was working some angle.

ONE: Not as obtuse as I thought you were, PI.

Why I outta flatten you!

E: PI, you need to cool off.

It’s just that ONE — well, he really takes the cake.

ONE: She can dish it out… but okay, I’ll be positive.

Right.

ONE: It’s probably for the best that it never got very serious.

What do you mean?

ONE: Do you really want to be in front of the minister when he says “Do you take number two…”

Eww —good point —hadn’t thought about that.

ONE: Polar?

He never told me where he was from. Sounds like he’s got a lot of issues.

ZERO: First of all, I think that’s grammatically incorrect. And we’re all unique in our own way.

We’re NUMBERS— we don’t have to answer to grammar! You’re such a ZERO.

I: I know what it’s like to be associated with something negative— that’s why I’m here.

Who are you?

I: I am I

Huh? Is that some kind of “I am what I am” Popeye talk?

I: I’m the square root of negative one. Now, don’t have a bit-fit…

Are you for real?

E: It’s tough on the shoulders carrying ‘em around like that. And I just want people to know who I am.

Everyone knows who you are, E, you’re the “natural LAXATIVE”

ZERO: It means you adapt to change easily and are always re-inventing yourself. And that’s a good thing.

Aww… group hug?

ZERO: No group hug— but let’s finish by everyone saying something nice about someone else. I’ll go first. ONE, without you, no rocket ship would ever lift off.

ONE, I think you really hold it all together. When the books say “Unity,” I think of you.

E: PI, without you, the kids couldn’t play kickball because the ball would be lumpy.

Now, it’s the kids who are lumpy.

I: Well, I don’t know about EVERY asymptote— that might be a bit of a hyperbola.

Uh, I think you mean “Hyperbole.” For a guy who’s been to other dimensions…

ONE:…So ZERO, thanks for nothing.

Yeah, ZERO, thanks for nothing.