Self-Compassion

L 13.8

essential psychological skill

how to respond to ourselves when we fall short of our goals

Problem

we live in a world of continuous comparison, which has a price

We are constantly evaluating grades, appearance, followers, likes, relationships, accomplishments, internships, productivity, career prospects

constant comparison price

Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem

linked to many negative, psychological outcomes

Negative self-talk

Emotional distress→ anxiety and depression

Health degrading behavior→ substance abuse, risky behavior

Social isolation

Inability to accept positive feedback

Fear of failure

Kristen Neff

self-compassion concept

self-compassion question

how do I treat myself when I don’t feel good enough?

self-compassion

instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, ___ ___ means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings— after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect? (Kristen Neff)

Self-compassion core insight

we build a strong self by remaining on our side— especially when we don’t succeed

Self-compassion three elements

self-kindness

Common humanity

Mindfulness

self-kindness

extending kindness and warm understanding to ourself when we suffer, fail or feel inadequate— rather than than ignoring our pain or being harsh

Recognize that experiencing difficulties is inevitable

Being gentle rather than angry when things don’t work out or aren’t exactly what you want

Doesn’t mean the mistake didn’t happen; it means responding to yourself without cruelty

Common humanity

in frustration, we often feel isolated, as if I am the only person suffering or making mistakes

Realize others have done this or been through this too

Seeing our experiences as part of the large human experience, rather than as separate and isolating

Personal inadequacy and suffering = part of all human experience

Failure, rejection, uncertainty and inadequacy are not evidence that you are uniquely defective→ they are the part of being human

mindfulness vs over-identification

take a balanced approach to negative emotions

Neither suppress nor exaggerate

Wiling to observe negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, just the way they are

hold negative things with non-judgmental, mindful awareness

Do not “over identify” with thoughts or emotions, so we are not swept away by negative reactivity

Mindfulness creates space between the event and the story you tell yourself about the event

Self-compassion benefits

removes the negative effects of self-evaluation from the picture

Increases self-esteem

Counters narcissistic tendencies and self-centeredness used to maintain artificial (high) self-esteem

Enables higher and more accurate self-knowledge because it’s okay to be aware of inadequacies and failings

Emotion regulation

positive mental health

Optimal functioning

Deepens mindfulness

“Even when I am imperfect, I am still worthy of care”

Positive mental health

without SC, sense of failure is amplified in self-judgment and harsh self-condemnation

optimal functioning

gentleness and patience with the self

deepens mindfulness

so everything can be in consciousness