Sketch 2

Patience. First , behold what an ascended crew mate becomes. Come Smee, show the recruits your success conquering your inner Peter Pan Beta Boy!

What up you no hook losers! You just got SMEE-MOGGED! Nine weeks ago I was adrift, an Andrew Tate podcast consuming accountant with two hands and two ears. Now look at me!

I’m looking. You have no hands or ears.

Fuck yeah I don’t, fruity recruity. Yo, I traded phalanges for close range killing machines! I became the violent physical manifestation of my own repressed desire for the male body! The male gaze turned inward! What up! I hooked my look! Get SMEE-FUCKED!

And then I just totally forgot my bosses name!

Oh my god, he does that all the time!

I wouldn’t say all the time, it was sort of just this once.

No, it’s all the time I’m telling you.

Whispers Mary, there’s no need to be so over the top.

Oh stop it Ted, you always do this. They’re just starting to really like us!

Agreed, so fun.

Oh my god, Ted does that all the time!

Okay first that was one time and I couldn’t make it to the bathroom!

Whatever you say Ted, you’re so funny. So Josh, how’s the new job?

Yeah except when you found out the owner of the company was driving with cocaine in his car.

OH MY GOD TED DOES THAT ALL THE TIME!

What???

Oh my god Ted is always driving around with cocaine and getting caught, like all the time.

What is going on? I’ve never done any of that. Great!

Oh my god Ted always pretends like he’s never done any of this stuff. He’s such a Ham!

Hello I’m the manager of this burger king…. you are being distracting to the other guests.

TED IS ALWAYS DISTRACTING THE OTHER GUESTS!

Please help me Mary, why is this happening?

Wow… Ted is always getting arrested at this Burger King.

Lights up on Bark Island

I’m your host, Pugliana, and you’re watching “Paws in Paradise.” A new hit reality tv show that will truly have your tails wagging. Our 6 puptestants are all puppled up! Weenston and Barkbara, Chadhuahua and Pawla, and Labradora and Ruffael. Weenston and Barkbara have been going strong since day one, while the other pupples seem to be in turmoil. But today, a challenge and a brand new barkshell enters the villa to test their relationships. So get ready to see who the bad boy new barkshell pupples up with and see who fails the challenge.

A brand new barkshell is entering the villa??

Welcome your new barkshell Pawblo. When Pawblo isn’t out on the streets sniffing butts, he’s a puptometrist specializing in the tears of crusty white dogs. He wears a spiked collar, so beware boys! Pawblo will be able to take one of these lovely ladies out on a romantic date to get pup cups.

I wonder what they are barking about this time.

Who knows? Maybe they run their own TV show… you’ll just have to tune in next week to find out what happens on Bark Island.

Oh our trip was so marvelous… hindenberg!

Oh my, what a marvelous uneventful journey. And so safe too! Blimps really are here to stay.

Lights up on two rats in a hat

So what culinary adventures are we off to today, chef Remy?

You’ve been doing a great job with the food… more than just cooking

yes chef?

tres bien. Now open that door. Door Creaks

Okay… are those… candles? And is that…??

Quick, pull a condom from Linguini’s pocket.

What’s a condom?

Didn’t they have sex ed in your school?

Yes, but those were all about rat parts! Not a Pacific Rimming situation. I can’t do this, take the hair.

I guess some of us prefer to watch. Alright now pay attention.

..Talk me through what you’re doing, chef.

It’s not all that different from cooking really. Unwrap. Gently, now, careful not to damage the merchandise.

And then..?

Don’t rush it… Savor the Aroma.

Oil. Sweat. Salt? Fluids.

And now a little taste.

Uh huh.

Good cooking always starts with good eating… the customer ALWAYS comes first.

So THAT’s how you use the tongue.

Now we’re cooking with gas. Here, you try it.

Are you sure, chef?

I’ll be right here, don’t be nervous. I’ll talk you through it.

Okay…. Ack! sorry chef!

Relax, it’s alright. Good instinct. It’s all about experimentation. You tried something and..

And that’s how we learn. Just like in the kitchen.

Wow. Hang that in the louvre because you certainly made that Lisa Moan-a.

Chef, the kaiju sex I can handle. But the puns? They have to go.

Lights up on health class room.

Good morning my precious health class students!

Good morning Ms. Frizzle.

Now everyone, I know it’s your senior spring semester and you just want to drink and have fun, but there’s still time to learn valuable scientific information!

Ooh! Ooh!

Yes Wanda?

At my old school, nobody orgasmed!

I’ve got a solution that may help all of us understand. To the bus!

Umm to the bus for what?

To help us demystify the female orgasm of course

Bbut who are we going to go inside of?

Can I get a volunteer from the audience? Ah yes, we’ll go inside of…. YOU! We’re going to shrink down and go inside of you! Class, als walsy, put on your full boyd condoms. Remember, not the same ones as last time.

Oh jeez, we;re going into a stranger’s vagina?What are we gonna do?

Well class, it’s like I always say. Take chances/ Make mistakes. Get messy!Ah, the vaginal canal. I feel like I;m back in Venuce. Fun fact, the human vagina has a PH value of 4.5 and produces it’s own lubraication as a self-cleansing muscular tract.

And bigger! Watch this! Echo echo echo.

Let’s not shame our volunteer, Carlos. Now Students, do you see that rounded puiinksh structure with a hole in the middle in the way back? That’s the cervix!

Why does it look all bruised around it?

Ah yes Wanda, it would appear that our volunteer is quite the size queen.

What are those swimming things with tails?

Those are spermatazoe from a previous sexual encounter. If you look carefully, you can also see some Neisseria gonorrhoeae bacteria.

Neat Ralphie rubs the wall

Careful there, Ralphie! I believe you’re rubbing the most sensitive part of the interior of the vaginal canal, and extension of the clitoral nerve known as the G-Spot!

Why are the walls shaking?

If I’m not mistaken, I believe our volunteer’s 50,000 nerve cells are lighting up as she approaches her climax. Ralphie, don’t stop rubbing!

What are we going to do? Arnold has an STI!

To the school nurse! Remember kids, take chances, make mistakes, get messy!