Importance of Eating Earnest - Act 1

News Announcer: …We will continue to report on this developing apoc-

Oh the news these days. So depressing. If it’s not one crisis, its another. War in some desert land, natural disasters, celebrity divorces—Catherine, is that you?

Catherine: Who else would it be darling?

Oh do come in!

Catherine: I heard voices. Were you talking with someone

It was just the news announcer on the radio. I turned the blasted thing off. Doom and gloom ‘round the clock, you know?

Catherine: …I love it when you host our little “b**ch sessions”. You have such an understanding of lifes little luxuries.

Thank you dear. Although I had to put it together on my own as our regular houseboy didn’t come in today.

Catherine: Oh, do you mean that hunky latin number…what was his name?

Carlos.

Catherine: The quality of hired help these days is miserable.

I agree. I called his agency for a replacement, but no one answered. I had to leave an unhappy message on their machine.

Catherine: No respectable woman of society should have to prepare her own pate. But on to critcal matters…how is Daniel?

Oh you know, busy as usual. Long hours at the office, usually quite exhausted when he comes home. He’s often in bed before…you know.

Catherine: My dear, welcome to the life of a married woman.

I didn’t know the flame would die out so soon. Before we got married, there was so much passion. Sometimes we’d play games, where I was a lonely rich girl and he an unwashed tramp, and…you don’t want to hear this do you?

Catherine: Please! My William lost that fire a long, long time ago.

Speaking of your husband, how is William.

Catherine: …but whatever keeps the money rolling in. A lonely woman can purchase a lot to distract herself.

Daniels having an affair!

Catherine: What? Darling, are you certain?

Yes! I mean, well, not exactly, no. A woman can just tell these things. Why has he suddenly stopped finding me attractive? Why the late hours? I’ve seen the shows and the movies, and I know that it can only mean that he’s been rogering someone behind my back. The only person he should be rogering behind her back is me! Well…er…I mean…I don’t mean “behind my back“…that is to say…not that we’re…

Catherine: Say no more. I shan’t hear it! My dear, I believe you are overreacting.

I’m sorry, but it’s true! It has to be! Why else would Daniel not be interested in this? I’m quite a piece of work.

Catherine: Phone calls in the middle of the night with no one on the other end?

No. Oh but Catherine I just know

Catherine: There, there dear…it’s not as if you’re the first woman to have a husband cheat on her.

But (sob) I (sob) love (sob) him!

Catherine: And I’m sure he loves you, but he just needs something a little spicy, thats all.

I thought I was spicy! Look at these!! They’re perfect!

Catherine: …It’s life, you know? If you’re so sure he’s cheating, why don’t you just get revenge?

What do you mean?

Catherine: …If he’s got a mistress on the side, why he’ll say nothing, thats what!

I can’t cheat on Daniel.

Catherine: And why not?

I took a vow. To love him and only him. Before God and everything. (Gasps) Oh, and in front of all our friends and family! When they find out we’re through, everyone will say the most horrid things! They’ll want to take back their gifts. Catherine, you can’t let them take away all the lovely things they gave us!

Catherine: Tell me, didn’t Daniel take the same vow as you?

Well…yes.

Catherine: Before the same God?

I suppose he did.

Catherine: And yet he has let his “little” head steer him to adultery.

It’s not little.

Catherine: I know

You what?

Catherine: Just sympathizing with you darling. Comforting you.

I just don’t think I can cheat on him, Catherine. I’m not that kind of woman.

Catherine: …and that’s what I mean—revenge can be very satisfying. Men understand little else.

I would rather confront him and try to make it work. I can be more adventurous, Catherine. I really can. I could…well, I could do different things…in the bedroom. There’s this thing that he wanted to try once, with restraints, and these little clips that…Oh dear, there I go again.

Catherine: No need to stop on my account.

No, I shan’t divorce Daniel. I’ll just come right out and say what I need to say. In fact, I’ll call him at work right now. Well, that’s just wonderful. The lines are busy.

Catherine: It’s probably for the best…You neglected him; you didn’t attend to his needs, et cetera.

How could he be angry with me? He is completely at fault, not me! I’m the vic- vic- Oh Catherine, what am I going to do?

Catherine: You say you absolutely won’t have an affair?

Not even if the world was ending.

Catherine: Would you pretend to have one?

What?

Catherine: Pretend. Put on a farce…if you’re too secretive, he’ll pick up on that, and think you’re playing a game.

This sounds overly complicated.

Catherine: …If he doesn’t react at all, then you’ll know he’s been cheating on you.

If he doesn’t react?

Catherine: Precisely.

And then what?

Catherine: …Many marriages continue with one or both of the partners being unfaithful. It’s not at all unheard of.

I guess you would know about that.

Catherine: What do you mean by that?

Nothing. Listen, I don’t think I can do this.

Catherine: It’s simple. All you really need is a man that you can pin it on. A dupe, to pose as your “secret lover”.

Where will I find a man to agree to that? Men just don’t come bursting through the front door, you know.

(ZOMBIE walks in)

You must be the replacement houseboy. Didn’t your agency teach you to knock before entering a residence?

Zombie: (moans.)

And you don’t look well. If you’re sick, you should turn right around and go home. I’ll not have a sick houseboy infecting the rest of us with whatever plague it is you’re carrying.

Catherine: Use him.

What? Oh lord, no. Look at him!

Narrator: …these two women aren’t the kind to realize the irony of their mistaking a zombie for an immigrant, a class of people they likely consider as less than human.

I don’t know, Catherine. Are you sure there isn’t another way?

Catherine: Sure, I’m sure. It’s believable. I’ve seen you looking at Carlos hungrily.

I…I did no such thing.

Catherine: …we’ll tell your agency of your horrid behavior, and your…dare I say, unprofessional appearance. We’re very influential people, you know. Quite well respected.

I’m having second thoughts. Can’t we just let him do what he’s come here to do and come up with something else?

Catherine: Nonsense…will admit that he has a lover, ditch his lover, and take her back his rightful lover. Got it?

…No.

Catherine: Not you. Him.

I’m dreadfully confused, and this seems awfully risky. Daniels got a good set of brains on his head.

Narrator: …Additionally, please prepare for the “brains” jokes to be abused to the point that you will regret your purchase of a ticket this evening.

He’ll see right throught his.

Catherine: Now, just try to work it out.

I pretend to have an affair with the houseboy, but not so obviously that Daniel suspects that I’m really trying to convince him that I’m having an affair when I’m not.

Catherine: Correct so far.

So I pretend I’m not pretending to have an affair subtly enough that Daniel really thinks I’m having an affair. And then when he suspects I’m having an affair that I’m not having,

but trying to fool him into thinking I’m having while not tipping him off that I’m fooling him into thinking I’m having the affair,

he’ll either yell at me or tip his hat to his own affair, in which case I can confront him about his affair, and he’ll have to end his affair and never stray again?

Catherine: Don’t forget that if he doesn’t react at all, then that is all but admitting to his affair.

Yes…right…so if he doesn’t react to my pretend affair then I know that his affair is a real affair and…Oh, I haven’t the brains for this after all!

Catherine: Dear, if I have the brains for it, then you do too!

Oh, you don’t have the brains for this either! You’re just making things up.

Catherine: Well, if you’re going to be that way about it then I’ve got half a mind to not help you.

Yes, you do that! (to herself) You should mind your own business anyway.

Narrator: …Naturally, as happens with most apex predators, confusing situations result in a form of catatonia and susceptibility to suggestion.

Well, you’re still here, aren’t you? Maybe she’s got the right of it. It might be fun to make that bastard sweat a little, eh? Are you game, little houseboy?

So, you’re going to pretend to be my lover, right? Well, I’m not sure it’s believable that you’d be my lover, but you’ll have to do. So, how shall we do this?

My, aren’t we getting into this whole love thing. You’re supposed to pretend while my husband is here, not now!

Daniel: Hello my dear.

Oh…uh…hello my loving husband. You’re home early. (to ZOMBIE) I don’t know how you knew he was coming but spot on! Whatever is the reason for this sudden, and might I add wholly unexpected return where you might have caught me in a terribly compromising position?

Daniel: Well, the office was completely devoid of life, today. Wal-to-wall shambling corpses.

What?

Daniel: Would you believe that some fellow bit him last night, and he was feeling rather ill and didn’t—whos that?

Him? Oh, he’s just a replacement houseboy from the service. The other one didn’t come in today? Nothing at all untoward was going on here, I assure you!

Daniel: That’s…great. Raul wasn’t here?

You mean Carlos.

Cakos, Raul, Paul…whatever…Come to think of it, you do look under the weather. There must be a bug going ‘round.

Aren’t you the least bit curious as to what the new houseboy and I were doing on the couch?

Daniel: Telling him how you’d like him to service you no doubt.

How dare you suggest-

Daniel: I know you’re very picky about how you like your eggs in the mornings, and what silver you prefer the table set with…He said the bank was closed, too. This must be one hell of a bud, don’t you think, to shut down the bank?

I’m sure.

Daniel: Anyway, the new boy will need to know the very intimate details of all your female places.

My what? How dare-

The kitchen, the washroom…honestly, woman, you’ve not got a brain in your head.

Well, at least my brain isn’t in my pants.

Daniel: What dear?

Nothing, sweetheart. Come on, we need to go into the kitchen, alone, to talk about what you’d like to eat. Alone. Into the hot kitchen. I think we’ll cook stark naked.

William: Good man, good man. I’ll have a brandy, and I think I will have some of this pate. It looks lovely.

Oh my! Its so…large!

Daniel: New houseboy. The old one was sick, so the agency sent a replacement. Must be having trouble with the pots. Darling, do you need any help?

Oh…no! No, I don’t need anything from you right now. I’ve got everything I could ever need in here with me! I may never need you again!

Narrator: It is fortunate, perhaps, that zombies do not possess human traits such as “dignity”.

Why Daniel, I hope you didn’t hear anything suspicious coming from the…

Catherine: He’s not here dear.

Damn it!

Catherine: You might want to work on that. On your own.

So where is Daniel?

Catherine: Across the hall. William got a new home theater system. He spent all day yesterday putting it together. Takes a good head to do that-

Where are you going?

Catherine: Well, as I was saying…and Bill just doesn’t have one. I’m surprised it works at all.

Oh.

Catherine: Dear, I…I have some bad news for you.

Oh no. How can anything get any worse?

Catherine: Well, its just that…I overheard Daniel and William talking, and it seems that your suspicions were correct. Daniel is seeing another woman.

Oh, I knew it! I was right. This is terrible. I mean, I knew I was probably right, but I was hoping that maybe I was wrong! Now I know, and it’s just awful! Who?

Catherine: His secretary.

Vivian?! With the big…

Catherine: I’m afraid so.

Aren’t mine big enough he bought them for me and I didn’t want them but I got them just for him…

Catherine: There, there, you poor, poor girl…who figure out what they want, and go for it.

Why? Why are men that way?

William: We can be excused for our actions. Do you know what a biological indicative is?

Daniel: A what?

Gentlemen. Houseboy. I need you in the kitchen. I need you badly and I need you right now. It’s almost time to eat.

Catherine: Fine! Do it! I don’t care.

God, that houseboy isn’t quite right in the head. I really think this game is over.

Catherine: It’s over.

That’s what I said. Over.

Catherine: No. Not over. The game has to go to the next level.

What?

Catherine: …I’d tell you it was a mistake, and that he was never with me…Mi. Mimi.

Mimi! Oh no, not another woman!

Catherine: Yes. I mean, no. Vivian. “Mimi” is his pet name for her.

They have pet names? We don’t have pet names!

Catherine: … “I shall not stop making sweet, sweaty love with you…y-youthful Vivian!”

He thinks I’m old?!

Catherine: What that man needs is a tate of his own medicine.

I don’t know what you mean. I thought that was what we were doing? Oh Catherine, my marriage is finished!

Catherine: Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Look…the only way he’ll understnad is if you really cheat on him.

But I can’t.

Catherine: You can. if he doesn’t change his mind, then at least he’ll feel the sting. The same hurt he caused you. It’s the only way.

But…

Catherine: Look at him…he’s a virile young man. And you, so neglected by your husband for some trollop. Now go on…

I suppose she's right. Come on, little houseboy.

No…it’s just that Catherine-

Oh Daniel. You’re back.

Daniel: I am

You look hurt! Are you alright?

Daniel: I’m fine.

You should get that looked at by a doctor.

Catherine: It’s not like the Prime Minister is just going to walk through that door!

It was worth a try, dear.

Catherine: Been workign all day.

I know. Strange that. Who was that anyway?

Catherine: That looked like a doctor. Maybe the houseboy needed to talk to him about his condition.

He has been looking rather ill all day.

William: Too true. What was it you were going to tell me?

Catherine: Don’t…

What’s going on here, Daniel? What are you going to tell Bill?