Shootout at Sadie's Saloon

Sadie: Why howdy Jake!

Howdy Sadie!

Sadie: How about a drink?

Sounds good to me. I'll have my usual shot of your "special" sarsaparilla. …. Smooooth!

Sadie: Tell me something Jake.

What?

Sadie: Well, it's something I always wondered about.

What is it?

Sadie: Not that it's any of my business, but…

Well?

Sadie: Well, as you can see, the place is empty.

(Looks around slowly) By golly, you're right. So what?

Sadie: Well since nobody's here… instead of the special sarsaparilla

Because you never know when somebody might come in and I don't want people to think I'm drinking on duty.

Sadie: I hate to ruin your day… in that special sarsaparilla bottle.

Well I'll be hornswoggled! You say everybody?

Sadie: Everybody except the members of the Temperance Committee.

Well I'll be a yaller dog! There sure ain't no secrets in this town! Well, speaking of the Temperance Committee, you never know when those two goody, goody two shoes Temperance women, that old bat Hazel Hoochater and her mangy pardner Prudence Purewater, will show up. Those two are more trouble than a pair of skunks in a perfume store.

Sadie: Now Jake, don't start in… you had to throw them in jail.

Yep. I seen my duty and I done it. After all, it's the Code of the West. Tell you what, though. Next time something like that happens, they'll be in jail forever and a week! I got me a plan. Next time they raise Cain, I'm hauling them to the county jail over to Tudberry. This way I'll kill two buzzards with one shot. You see, I never did like that uppity county sheriff over there. Thinks he's better than the rest of us because he's with the county. A night with those two pests would be good for him!

Sadie: Well you're certainly in a vile mood! … sarsaparilla last night?

Now it weren't that! It's just this dadgum heat!

Sadie: It sure has been hot lately.

I don't remember when when it's been so hot. Why, it's so hot outside, I just saw a coyote chasing a rabbit…and they were both walking.

Sadie: Anything exciting happen in town last night?

Nope. Things have been pretty quiet lately. How's business?

Sadie: What business? … having the same problem.

I reckon nobody in town has been getting any business since the stage line left.

Sadie: Yep. Sure was too bad … It's downright sad.

Yep. And it's getting downright lonely around here.

Sadie: Sad…And lonely. (Deep sigh)

Yep. Real sad… And lonely. (Deep sigh)

(Sadie and Jake together)

Lonely… and sad (both sigh deeply)

Sally: Good morning folks! … as a blast furnace.

Yep. Sure is hot, all right.

Sadie: Who know… in Adobe Wells these days Jake?

Quiet…real quiet. Nobody left to cause any trouble.

Sadie: That's just what we were saying, Sally

Well, I really shouldn't complain. The less people we have in town, the less crime I have to deal with.

Sally: I remember only too well…

Wasn't your Daddy and Dirk Devious pardners once?

Sadie: Yep. They were pardners… to sell his half.

I heard that the mine was worthless.

Sadie: Sally, you know how father… coyote Devious.

I got to tell you, I don't much cotton to the fellow either. There's something strange about him. As a matter of fact, I just sent a letter to the circuit judge about him. Want to see if he's wanted somewhere.

Sally: Jake Jones! How can you … if I remember right!

Oh, I haven't lost that much. Not near as much as some of the others.

Sadie: Whatever Mr. Devious is … I don't see how things could get much worse. (Sound of drums offstage)

They just got worse.

(Hazel and Prudence enter)

Hold on! Hold on! What on earth are you two caterwalling about now?

Sally: Right Sister Hazel! (Jake and Sadie stare at her.) Well she was doing it!

All right. I've heard enough. Why don't you two go bother somebody else? I hear tell there's a passel of coyotes on the outskirts of town whose souls need saving. Go pester them.

Sadie: Now just a ding dang dong minute, you nosey old sway backed busybody. I've a good mind to…

Now hold on Sadie! You're letting your temper get ahold of you. Besides, you can't slug a sober customer in a saloon. It's against the Code of the West. You'd best let me handle this.

Sadie: The what?

(Looking in small book had taken out of hip pocket) The Code of the west.West. Article 42, section 137, part B. "It is unlawful to do harm to a sober person in a drinking establishment." It's okay to jump on a drunk, however.

Sadie: I never heard tell of such a law. But I'll go along with you, if you think it's best, Jake.

I do.

Hazel: You better obey the law you …you …snippet.

(To Hazel) Now just a dang ding dong minute, you nosey old sway backed busybody. I got me a good mind to March you two down to the jail right now. (Hazel… this evil place…) Hazel, you got exactly two minutes to clear out of here before you spend the next three days in the calaboose for disturbing the peace!

Prudence: That's right, Sheriff!

If'n you two don't leave right now, I'm sending you to the county jail over in Tudbury.

Prudence: On what charge?

Charges. I got at least three of them so far. (Pulls out book again and consults periodically). One, you are disturbing the peace by singing a song in the daytime. Article 23, section 4, part C. Two, you can't preach inside the city limits without a preaching license. Article 12, section 6, part D. You got a preachin' license?

Hazel: No.

Thought so. Which brings us to three. You are in a drinking establishment and you are not drinking. That's against article 56, section 4, part A.

Hazel: Well! I never!

I'm not surprised. Jail time for each offense carries a mandatory sentence of 1 day in the calaboose…Calabrese… For each charge.

Prudence: Yes Sheriff, since when?

It's right here in the Code of the West, the only law west of Dismal River. Now you two vamoose on out of here before I decide to enforce it!

Sally: Yes, but I'm glad … no matter how misguided it is.

I suppose you're right, Sally. I just wish they would express it somewhere else…like in Kansas.

Sadie: What have you got against the people in Kansas?

Well anyway, I sure hope those two leave town with the rest of the townsfolk. If they do, it will be a whole lot more peaceful around here.

Dirk; Howdy Sheriff … quick game of red dog?

Now! I'm on duty. Besides, I'm broke until payday, and you've got enough of my money this month! You sure have been lucky of late!

Dirk: It's true that I've been … compounded daily!

Naw! I think I'll just go on and complete my rounds. See you later ladies!

Sadie: Oh what to do … Oh what to do, what to do!

I'm back Sadie. Get me another drink of my special sarsaparilla, will you? I swear it's getting hotter!

Sadie: I didn't think that was possible.

It's so hot out there that the coyotes are playing dead so the buzzards will fly over them and give them some shade.

Sadie: Two drinks in one day. Golly you sure are thirsty.

(Tosses down his drink. Starts coughing and hacking furiously.) Smoooooth. Well it's not just the heat. I got troubles.

Sadie: Troubles? What's the matter?

It's those Temperance busybodies Hazel Hoochater and Prudence Purewater. They have been complaining to the mayor about this place. Now he's starting to ask questions.

Sadie: But the mayor is one of my best customers!

But his wife ain't. And she is raising Cain too! I tell you, those two mangy busybodies are more trouble than two porcupines in an outhouse! Now they are telling me to either close this place down or else lose my job.

Sadie: Jake, you're not going to do it, are you?

Of course nor. You and Sally are the best friends I've got. But the pressure is getting worse.

Sadie: It will die down, Jake. It always does. Have another drink, on the house. It will soothe your nerves.

Thanks, but two is my limit. Getting back to the Temperance Committee, I sure wish those two mangy old bats would follow the stage line to Mud Junction. That's the perfect place for them.

Sadie: Well, things will get better, Jake.

They couldn't get much worse.

(The sound of a drum is heard in the distance.)

Wrong again. Things just got worse.

Hazel: If you dont close this place down, we intend to close it for you.

And just how do you intend to do that?

Prudence: Why, after listening to the stirring speech … and run you two out of town on a rail.

I guess I don't understand what makes you two so downright ornery about this saloon. Hazel, your husband is a rancher who's pretty well off and Prudence, you got a dress store business to run. Why can't you two just go about your business and leave the rest of us in peace?

Sadie: That did it! Get out of here before I forget I'm a lady and do a lot of harm to the two of you!

Hold on Sadie! You can't take the law into your own hands! You know I don't hold with vigilante justice. As for you two, why don't you just leave now before I forget you're ladies and boot you out of here myself.

Prudence: That's just what I expected to hear from a drunken Sheriff!

I am drinking sarsaparilla, as any fool can plainly see. Now get out of here!

Prudence: We never fool around.

That explains a lot.

Hazel: Not everybody is leaving. We intend to stay.

Just my luck!

Sally: (Offstage) Be there in a minute! (Sadie exits.)

Well, I got to make my rounds.

Prudence: Control yourself? I'll have you know that lips that touch liquor have never touched mine! Hazel: Me neither! (Jake and Sadie enter.)

All right ladies, let me see that court order!

Hazel: What?

Let me have the order.

Hazel: Oh! Here it is. I do have it! You were right, Prudence. I had it all along! You're so smart, Prudence! Prudence: I know.

By golly, if I didn't know better I'd swear you two have been drinking!

Sally: No sheriff, I've been here all along and all that they have had to drink is special sarsaparilla.

Sadie and Jake: SPECIAL SARSAPERILLA?

Prudence: Is there an echo in here?

Ladies, this court order is worthless. Judge Stoneheart's jurisdiction is only in Drygulch county, not here in Adobe county!

Prudence: And more importantly, is he handsome? (They both giggle loudly.)

Why don't you two come on over to my office and sleep it off? Then you can look for a nice Judge in this county

Prudence: There isn't any judge in this county? Where’d he go?

Come along ladies. (Jake, Hazel and Prudence exit.)

Sadie: Be careful Clint. Oh Sally what can we do? (Jake Enters)

What's all the trouble about, ladies?

Sadie: Oh Jake, it's Clint and that awful Devious! They are gun fighting out back!

Well, boys will be boys. It ain't that serious, Sadie.

Sadie: But they're shooting at each other!

Well, I suppose that accounts for all the noise. Wait a minute! Who drew first?

Sadie: Who cares? Oh Jake, please stop them before somebody gets hurt, or worse yet, killed!

Can't do that.

Sally: Why not? You're the sheriff!

Can't never interrupt a fair gunfight. it's the… (Sadie, Sally, Jake) … code of the West.

Sadie: He winged you with a what?

A lucky ricochet.

Sally: Of course she does, you silly galoot. Boy, menfolk sure are stupid!

What happened to Devious? I just found out that he is wanted in Custer County for crooked gambling.

Clint: I winged him too, in the leg. Last I saw of him he was limping out of town headed west. Don't think he'll get too far. And he's out of ammunition.

I'll just let him limp for a spell before I pick him up.

Sally: Jake! That's mean!

No it's not. I just want him tuckered out so he doesn't put up too much of a fuss when I throw his calaboose into the calaboose.

Hazel: We just heard that the railroad is moving in.

Sadie Sally Jake Clint: THE RAILROAD?

Prudence: Ten thousand dollars!

All: TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!

Sally. That would be wonderful! I'll bet I can learn to count to a…a…hundred, at least! Whatever that is…. (Lights fade to dim. Everyone freezes except Jake who walks down stage right. Single spot lights up stage left. Jake crosses and stands in the center of the light.)

And that's the way it happened. Sadie and Clint ended up owning the biggest cattle ranch this side of the Dismal River. They also raised a passel of kids. Sally did go to school back east where she fell in love with her arithmetic teacher. They got hitched, lived in the outskirts of Grand Island in a ranch style home with 1.5 outhouses, had two kids, a mini wagon and lived happily ever after. Sister Hazel and Sister Prudence opened their church and everything was going along good for them. Then Sister Hazel ran off with a traveling sarsaparilla salesman. About that time sister Prudence sort of got sweet on me. That's when I decided Mud flats needed me more than Adobe Wells. And Dirk? Well, I don't exactly know what happened to him. After he served his sentence, he just rode out of town headed west. Mud Flats turned out to be a tough town with a lot of crime and I keep pretty busy. It ain't easy being a sheriff, but it's all I know And a man has got to stay true to his calling. It's the code of the west. (Fade.)