Dating and Couple Relations CYAF 285 Exam 1

Gottman's Four Horsemen

1. Criticism

2. Contempt

3. Defensiveness

4. Stonewalling

Demon Dialogues

1. Find the bad buy

2. Protest Polka

3. Flee and freeze

Couples who are struggling make _____ fewer/more repair attempts

fewer

What do love maps contain?

All the relevant information about a partners life

All factors that impact love maps:

1. Losses

2. Time

3. Major life transitions

4. Job changes

Is anything that chooses something or someone over your partner betrayal?

YES

What are PSO and NSO?

Positive and negative sentiment override

Rejection is housed in the same area of the brain as...

Pain

Gottman said complaints are___ while criticism is ___

specific and global

What is the most dominant demon dialogue?

Protest Polka

EFT works by giving the couple the common enemy of what?

Patterns/Demon dialogue

What does EFT stand for?

Emotionally focused therapy

How many conversations are there in EFT?

7

What says more than words to your partner and significantly impacts communication

Body Language

Bringing these skills to patterns that are not helping our relationship helps improve:

Compassion and self compassion

Improving connection improves psychosocial flexibility and emotion resilience

True

What are the two factors that significantly improve relationships and increase the likelihood a relationship will succeed

Connection and Friendship

We must feel safe with our partner to have a healthy relationship

True

What two skills are most important

Safety and connection

If research is valid you will see themes that repeat across researchers

True

This is not a trust metric

Feeling calm when their partner is distressed

KEY moments in EFT relates to

Security and Safety

The purpose of revisiting rocky moments is too...

Help look for patterns and fix the patterns that were evident

Raw spots occur when a partner has:

Past or present attachment needs that have been repeatedly neglected

You can tell a raw spot has been rubbed when:

1. Sudden/Radical shift in the emotional tone of the conversation

- Being thrown off balance

- The game has changed and no one told you

- The hurt partner is sending out new signals and the other tries to make sense of the change

2. The reaction to a perceived offense often seems way out of proportion

- Our primal attachment needs are coming online

- Our deepest and most powerful emotions suddenly take over

It is intense and not a good reaction

Revisiting rocky moments can be used for big arguments as well as:

Quieter moments of disconnection

What demon dialogue uses "it's not me it's you"

Find the bad guy

What demon dialogue is usually towards the end of the relationship?

Flee and Freeze (Men tend to withdraw and women pursue)

A delay even this many seconds can be negative and increase feelings of insecurity

2-3 seconds

True or False: Humans are wired to feel more security than love?

TRUE

According to Howard what this is most important...

Voice and Tone

_____________ is considered a connection "superpower" because of how it deepens connection/communicates emotion

Eye contact

True or False: We need direct human contact to establish trust

TRUE

According to Howard if we feel safe and secure then this drives whether or not you feel happy:

Having a secure connection

Most people have difficulty being present because

We don't practice this skill enough

True or False: It takes a lot of time to connect if we are present in the moment

FALSE

This part of our brain measures connection:

Security system/back of our brain

BACK PART OF BRAIN

This part of our brain kicks in during disagreements

The amygdala (BACK PART of brain)

All three authors agree the following with regard to arguments:

All couples argue at times

An activity all three authors agree that would deepen relationships

Is having a connected conversation

People are made for connection

TRUE

Harsh Start Up

-The way it begins

- When a discussion leads off this way with criticism and or sarcasm a form of contempt it has begun with the harsh start up

- 96% of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the 15 minute interaction a harsh start up of simply dooms your failure

Horseman 1: Criticism

- A complaint only addresses the specific action at which your spouse failed

- A complaint focuses on specific behavior

- A criticism is more global- adds on some negative words about your mate's character or personality

- Criticism ups the ante- by throwing in blame and general character assasination

Horseman 2: Contempt

This sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. So are name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt--the worst of the four horsemen--is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. Contempt leads to more conflict rather than to reconciliation.

-Belligerence, a close cousin to contempt, is just as deadly to a relationship. It is a form of aggressive anger because it contains a threat or provocation.

Horseman 3: Defensiveness

(defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner)

• Defensiveness just escalates the conflict, which is why it's so deadly

What was the love lab?

The Love Lab:

- Scientist observing from behind one way kitchen mirror

- Cameras recording facial expressions

- Sensors tracking bodily signs of stress/relaxation

Gottman: Why does relationship and marriage success matter?

- Unhappy marriages lead to an increased possibility of illness

- Unhappy relationships can shorten your lifespan

- Happily married people live longer and healthier lives than divorced or unhappily married people

- Divorce may depress the immune system and marriage may prove it

Myths

- Communication

- Problem solving

- Active listening

- I- statements

- Perspective taking

- Common interests keep you together

- Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage

- Affairs are the root cause of divorce

Howard History

- Howard lost a primary caregiver (grandmother) in 4th grade and did not have anyone close to talk to about the loss resulted in Howard wondering why we do not spend more time learning to love and care for one another.

Difference between connection and communication

Communication- talking about things

Connection - creating an emotional bond in the moment

PSO

Positive sentiment override

- When the positive emotions and thoughts about a person's relationship and partner are extensive they tend to override or replace negative emotions

- This means that it takes much more conflict for a couple to lose their equilibrium than it would otherwise

NSO

Negative sentiment override

- A system stuck in a negative cycle can be difficult to disrupt from that cycle and repair

- When a couple is in NSO state everything is filtered through that negative sentiment

- When couples become stuck in NSO it means they always assume the worst about about the other

- They get stuck in this pattern for a long period of time they cannot see positives and it results in bad feelings and never ending disagreements

- The relationship is zero-sum, meaning that one partner is always winning and the other is losing

("Roach Motel for Lovers")

The Trust Metric

- A way to measure partners' faith in each other

- Considers multiple factors to determine

- Assume the best about each other and their relationship

- Acknowledge one another's perspective

- Feel distressed when their partner is distressed

- Are attuned to each other's emotions

- (If a couple has a low trust metric their ability to connect emotionally and sexually will suffer and their interactions will be more negative)

What is betrayal?

- "Any act of life choice that doesn't prioritize the commitment and put the partner before others" (Gottman)

- Infidelity

- Emotional distancing

Siding with a parent over a partner

- Disrespecting a partner

- Breaking significant promises

What other connecting cues create a sense of closeness better than words

- Touch

- Proximity

- Eye contact

- Tone of voice

Underneath most issues the brains priorities are:

- Do you love me?

- Do you care?

- Do I matter to you?

The Vagus Nerve

- Plays a HUGE role in managing our threat responses

- The body's longest cranial nerve-runs all the way from the brain down through the neck, heartt, and abdomen

- Lets the brain know how we feel based on measurements of our environment

When the amygdala perceives a threat what does it do?

It sends a signal to the hypothalamus which activates our physiological response via the sympathetic nervous system

Reduced vagal tone is associated with:

- Anxiety

- Depression

- Panic

Trust your Gut

- Our gut has approximately 500 million neurons known as our enteric nervous system (ENS)

- This system is sometimes called "the second brain" and has more than twice the number of neurons in the spinal cord

Oxytocin

- "The love hormone"

- produced by touch and cuddling

- Facilitates bonding

- Dampens/decreases the stress response increasing availability for connection

Higher levels help us us notice and amplify others connecting behaviors

Six steps: Prioritizing Connection over Communication

1. Establish Mindset

2. Be Aware of your Presence

3. Use Connecting Cues

4. Share Feelings

5. Prioritize the Process

Being Physically Present

- Being grounded in your body

- Being aware of your body language

- Taking care of your body/healthy habits

Being Mentally Present

- Focused

- Notice our feelings

- Notice the feelings of others (facial expressions and emotions)

- Receive the presence of the other person

Modern Arranged Marriages

- Half of the marriages worldwide are arranged

- The divorce rate for arranged marriages is 4% versus the United States Divorce rate of close to 40-50%

What is the success rate of marriage counseling?

It has stayed steady around 30%

What does A.R.E. stand for?

A - Accessibility: Can I reach you?

R- Responsiveness: Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?

E - Engagement: Do I know you will value me to stay close

What are the 7 conversations in EFT?

1. Recognizing the demon dialogues

2. Finding the raw spots

3. Revisiting a rocky moment

The first 3 steps de-escalate relationship tension and create a foundation for the couple to build on and strengthen their bond

4. Hold me tight-transforms relationships

5. Forgiving Injuries

6. Bonding through sex and touch

7. Keeping your love alive

Horseman 4: Stonewalling

In a typical conversation between two people to listener gives all kind of cues to the speaker that he's paying attention. He may have an eye contact and say something like yeah or uh-huh. But a stone waller doesn't give you this sort of casual feedback. He tends to look away or down without uttering a sound. He sits like an impassive stonewall. The Stone waller acts as though he couldn't care less about what you're saying even if he hears it

-stonewalling usually arrives later in the course of a marriage then the other three horseman.

Find the Bad Guy

- When we feel concerned or flooded it's easier to see our own feelings than our partners

- Sometimes early in the "find the bad guy" partners can reconnect upon cooling down or laugh about things that they said that were ridiculous

The Protest Polka

- Can have a kind of "forever" quality

- One partner reaches out (usually in a negative way) the other partner steps back (shuts down) and the pattern repeats

- One partner is demanding, actively protesting the disconnection; the other is withdrawing, quietly protesting the implied criticism

- In insecure relationship the protest polka speeds up and gets more intense

Flee and Freeze

- Both partners are sitting out

- Silence

- No one seems invested

- Tension

- Pain

- The critical partner has given up trying to get the attention of their significant other and gone silent

- Often it will be this partner that will grieve the relationship, detach and leave

- Partners at this point often on the surface appear polite, cooperative, and practical

- Unless intervention occurs this is the end stage of the relationship

What happens when a raw spot is rubbed?

1. An attachment cue grabs our attention and turns on our attachment system including our longing fears

- Can be positive or negative

- An attachment cue that irritates a raw spots sets off a negative alarm

2. Our body responds (somatic cues)

- Stomach churns

- Pain in chest

- Feeling cold

- Feeling stomach drop

3. Our intellect (prefrontal cortex), which was initially slow, catches up with out emotional brain amygdala and attempts to sort out what this means about the safety of our bond

4. We get ready for action/to move in a particular way

- Toward

- Away from

- Against

- Anger/fight

- Fear/flee/freeze

- Shame/withdraw/hide

De-Escalating Disconnection

1. Stopping the Game

•Notice the pattern (attack defend/victim villain)

•Move from I to WE

2. Claiming your own moves

•Review the disagreement and name the moves together

•Each partner takes ownership for their part-creating a brief summary

3. Claim your own feelings

•Each partner moves into vulnerability-identifying feelings underneath moves

•Can help to use "parts" language

4. On how you shape/impact your partners feelings

•Recognize how the usual way of managing emotions unbalances their partner

•If partners are connected their feelings naturally impact one another

•The lens often narrows when one is feeling afraid/hurt

5. Asking about your partner's deeper emotions

•During/after a fight alienation reduces the ability attune to a partner

•Slowing down, considering the big picture, can allow room for curiosity about softer/underlying feelings (raw spots)

6. Sharing your own softer/deeper emotions

•Can be sadness, shame, or attachment fears

•It can be very difficult but is ultimately the most rewarding-it lets your partner see what is at stake for you

•It also helps individuals explore their own feelings/risk

7. Standing Together

•Taking steps 1-6 together allows couples to create a renewed sense of love/partnership

•Creates a common ground and common cause