Kaliope Lines

Along with her natural Elven agility, athleticism, and ass-kicking abilities, she’s also a master tracker, lock-picker, and has more than a few magical surprises up her non-existent sleeves. No pointy-eared creature has ever rocked so much lady hotness.

I’m in the mood for danger.

Seriously, you guys are supposed to be a team of badasses? Okay, nevermind.

Curious. What form of creature is this?

Cut down doing what?

Eating the flesh of bad guys.

Ew.

Why are you dressed so strangely?

Elf!

Yes, Noble Paladin Tillius—

Guys, stop it. Orcus is a demon overlord of the underworld. If there’s a lost soul, he’ll either have it or at least know where it is. Kaliope is our tracker. If he’s near, she’ll know his location.

(pull out map) The entrance to the cave of Orcus is at the next bend. But unfortunately neither Lilith nor I can accompany you for no magical creatures are allowed into his lair lest they risk being entrapped there forever.

I’m a Democrat.

And what will be your weapon?

This is no regular sword.

You have to earn a weapon like the one Tillius wields.

The Eastern Blade of the Dreamwalker

Forged from the fiery nightmares of Gods

Blessed by the demons of Bricken

And bestowed upon the one who once banished the Tiamat from New Landia.

So I can’t have a sword like that one?

NO!

That is not what I said.

Agnes the Ass-hatted, welcome to our party!

You’re not serious, love. We’re not actually going to bring Orcus along, correct?

I must agree with Lilith, getting the worst demon in all the underworld to tote along with us does seem less than wise.

You lost my soul, Orcus, so now you’re going to help me get it back.

He knows where your soul is?

This is the Tiamat.

She is a five-headed dragon that has laid waste to generations of adventurers and civilizations since the dawn. Each of her heads embodies the five different elemental powers of the chromatic dragons—earth, fire, water, wind, and lightning. Many adventurers have fought her. All have died. All, except for one…

Who’s her dad?

The devil.

Tillius, you know, as always, you have my blade.

And my staff

MAN.

What about you? Agnes the ass-hatted? What say you? 

Courageous.

That would be an adept description.

So you’re going to—

Fight Tiamat.

I’m one of the great guardians, dummies.

But she is but wee.

BOSS RIGHT NUMBER ONE: FARRAH THE FAERIE VERSS TEAM TILLIUS.

(insert epic battle scene)

Our skills are no match.

As am I.

Me too.

Wait, the big slacker demon is gay?

As is everyone in New Landia. Well, everyone except you, Agnes the Ass-hatted.

Why is that?

Well, maybe it’s because you haven’t met the right girl yet.

NO, that’s not what I meant. I mean, why is everyone here gay?

Because it was the will of the creator.

Well, maybe you should ask her.

(begin scene 12)

What’s wrong, Agnes the Ass-hatted? By the droop of your shoulders and your downward gaze, it would indicate you are troubled somehow.

Wow. Observant.

Was that sarcasm?

No.

My apologies, Agnes. We Elves may have heightened speed, agility, strength, and attractiveness—

And you’re also humble to boot.

We’re unfortunately lacking in “emotional awareness.”

So you’re like a robot?

No, we’re Elves. We’re above emotions. That’s a human trait.

Well, color me envious right now.

What troubles you, Agnes the Ass-hatted?

I joined this adventure to get to know my sister, to help her, but I don’t think she needs me at all.

Well, I don’t think she needs help from most people. She IS a 20th-level Paladin after all. If anything, we travel with her, for we often require her help.

Wow, Elf, you’re really bad at giving advice.

I apologize. Would you like to copulate with me now?

What?

Copulate, fornicate, consensual intimate stimulus. I think it would make you feel better. I hear you humans like to do such things.

Woah, what are you doing?

Nothing! 

Ew, what is that?

Oh, that? That, my dear human friend, is Boss Number Two. Miles the Gelatinous Cube!

What? No.

You actually did.

So, hold up, that thing isn’t edible?

No.

See, and once again, you’re choosing your boyfriend over me.

Your boyfriend is a gelatinous cube? Gross.

It’s a shape-shifter.

It’s a doppelganger, to be exact. 

Seriously, are you guys not going to help?

(ad-libbing) No, not really. You look like you got it handled. I don’t want to step in between a lovers’ fight. It really is none of my business.

Agnes, look out!

Boss Number TWO!

If you got in trouble, we would have to stepped in.

Assuredly.

So what’s the next thing we have to fight?

The next boss is a Beholder.

Aw, that sounds cute. Like “Beauty is in the eye of…”

(ad-libbing) No. Nope. Not the same thing at all. That thing is ugly. Like just one big scary eyeball with teeth ugly.

You’ll just be joining her in two seconds.

Prepare to be ushered to your deaths.

Can we resurrect her?

No. Tillius used the spell to save you.

But you’re magical, do something.

I don’t have that kind of magic.

Not exactly.

What’s up, Chuck?

Hey there, hot stuff!

Who’s this?

Tilly’s sister.

Oh, hi! Nice to meet you.

Uh…hi!

What? Do I have something on my shoes?

Oh God, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to—

It’s okay. I’m used to it.

So you play D&D with these guys?

Yeah, well. My brother’s always been into it, but it was actually your kid sister that convinced me to give it a shot. I know it’s dorky, right?

Yeah, I guess.

Your sister was awesome, Miss Evans. We loved her. We really miss her.

Okay?

So it can take any form.

A lover.

Anybody.

Take that, you…dragon? He’s, um, not getting back up.

He’s not Tiamat.

Oh no, a dark elf!

A Demon Queen!

(AGNES raises up her sword between herself and her former companions. However they all turn to AGNES and TILLY and slowly raise their fingers at AGNES’s little sister.)

LILITH, ORCUS, KALIOPE: Tiamat.

But this story remains. And isn’t that essentially all that life is—a collection of stories? This is one of mine…

…and not just some story that I experienced, like a party or a dance or an event, but something I dreamt—

Powerful…

And magical.