Gary/Roger Lines Act 1

LLOYD: Hold it.

ROGER: … I have a housekeeper, yes, but this is her afternoon off.

LLOYD: Hold it, Garry. Dotty!

ROGER: So we've got the place entirely to ourselves.

LLOYD: You put the receiver back, you leave the sardines, and you go out with the newspaper.

GARRY: Here you are, love.

DOTTY: Sorry, love.

GARRY: Don't worry, love. It's only the technical.

LLOYD: It's the dress, Garry, honey. It's the dress rehearsal.

GARRY: So when was the technical?

LLOYD: So when's the dress? We open tomorrow!

GARRY: Well we're all thinking of it as the technical. Aren't we love?

DOTTY: It's all those words, my sweetheart.

GARRY: Don't worry about the words, Dotty, my pet.

DOTTY: Coming up like oranges and lemons.

GARRY: Listen, Dotty, your words are fine, your words are better than the, do you know what I mean? Isn't that right?

BROOKE: Sorry?

GARRY: I mean, OK, so he's the, you know. Fine. But, Dotty, love, you've been playing this kind of part for, well, you know what I mean.

LLOYD: All right? So Garry and Brooke are off, Dotty's holding the receiver…

GARRY: No, but here we are, we're all thinking, my God, we open tomorrow, we've only had a fortnight to rehearse, we don't know where we are, but my God, here we are!

LLOYD: Beautifully put, Garry.

GARRY: No, but we've got to play Weston-super-Mare all the rest of this week, then Yeovil, then God knows where, then God knows where else, and so on for God knows how long and we're all of us feeling pretty much, you know… I mean, aren't you?

LLOYD: Anyway, you're off, Dotty's holding the receiver…

GARRY: Sorry, Lloyd. But sometimes you just have to come right out with it. You know?

LLOYD: I know.

GARRY: Thanks, Lloyd.

LLOYD: OK, Garry. So you're off…

GARRY: Lloyd, let me just say one thing. Since we've stopped. I've worked with a lot of directors, Lloyd. Some of them were geniuses. Some of them were bastards. But I've never met one who was so totally and absolutely…I don't know…

LLOYD: Leaving the receiver.

ROGER: I have a housekeeper, yes, but this is her afternoon off. So we've got the place entirely to ourselves. I'll just check. Hello? Anyone at home? No, there's no one here. So what do you think?

VICKI: Great. And this is all yours?

ROGER: Just a little shack in the woods really. Converted posset mill. Sixteenth century.

VICKI: It must have cost a bomb.

ROGER: Well, one has to have somewhere to entertain one's business associates. Someone coming at four o'clock, in fact. Arab sheikh. Oil. You know.

VICKI: Right, and I've got to get those files to our Basingstoke office by four.

ROGER: Yes, we'll only just manage to fit it in. I mean, we'll only just do it. I mean…

VICKI: Right, then.

ROGER: We won't bother to chill the champagne.

VICKI: All these doors!

ROGER: Oh, only a handful, really. Study… Kitchen… And a self-contained service flat for the housekeeper.

VICKI: Terrific. And which one's the… ?

ROGER: What?

VICKI: You know…

ROGER: The usual offices? Through here.

MRS. CLACKETT: Now I've lost the sardines…

ROGER: I'm sorry. I thought there was no one here.

MRS. CLACKETT: I'm not here. I'm off. Only it's the royal you know, where they wear those hats, and they're all covered in fruit, and who are you?

ROGER: I'm from the agents.

MRS. CLACKETT: From the agents?

ROGER: Squire, Squire, Hackham, and Dudley

MRS. CLACKETT: Oh. Which one are you, then? Squire, Squire, Hackham, or Dudley?

ROGER: I'm Tramplemain.

MRS. CLACKETT: Walking in here as if you owned the place! I thought you was a burglar.

ROGER: No, I just dropped in to… go into a few things… Well, to check some of the measurements… Do one or two odd jobs… Oh, and a client. I'm showing a prospective tenant over the house.

VICKI: What's wrong with this door?

ROGER: She's thinking of renting it. Her interest is definitely aroused.

VICKI: That's not the bedroom.

ROGER: The bedroom? No, that's the downstairs bathroom and WC suite. And this is the housekeeper, Mrs. Crockett.

VICKI: Oh. Hi.

ROGER: She's not really here.

MRS. CLACKETT: Only it's the royal, you know, with the hats.

ROGER: Don't worry about us.

MRS. CLACKETT: I'll have the sound on low.

ROGER: We'll just inspect the house.

LLOYD: Sardines!

ROGER: I'm sorry about this.

DOTTY: I've forgotten the sardines

GARRY: Lloyd! These sardines! They're driving us all mad!

LLOYD: Something wrong with the sardines? Poppy!

GARRY: There's four plates of sardines coming on in Act One alone! They go here, they go there. She takes them - I take them. I mean, don't you feel, you know?

BROOKE: Sorry?

GARRY: The sardines.

LLOYD: Make it four grilled turbot. Off the bone.

GARRY: OK, it's all right for you. You're sitting out there. We're up here. We've got to do it. Plus we've got bags, we've got boxes. Plus doors. Plus words. You know what I mean?

DOTTY: We're not getting at you , Poppy, love. We think the sardines are lovely.

GARRY: I'm just trying to, you know.

DOTTY: We can't start changing things now, love!

GARRY: I'm just saying. Words. Doors. Bags. Boxes. Sardines. Us. OK? I've made my point?

POPPY: Oh. No.

GARRY: Sorry, Lloyd. I just thought we ought to, do you know what I mean?

LLOYD: Of course.

GARRY: Better out than, you know.

LLOYD: Take the sardines off with you.

ROGER: I'm sorry about this.

VICKI: That's all right. We don't want the television, do we?

ROGER: Only she's been in the family for generations.

VICKI: Great. Come on, then. I've got to be in Basingstoke by four.

ROGER: Perhaps we should just have a glass of champagne.

VICKI: We'll take it up with us.

ROGER: Yes. Well…

VICKI: And don't let my files out of sight.

ROGER: No. Only…

VICKI: What?

ROGER: Well…

VICKI: Her?

ROGER: She has been in the family for generations.

MRS. CLACKETT: Won't she, love?

ROGER: Yes. Well. Yes!

MRS. CLACKETT: And we'll enjoy having you. Won't we, love?

ROGER: Oh. Well.

VICKI: You see? She thinks it's great. She's even making us sardines!

ROGER: Well…

VICKI: I think she's terrific.

ROGER: Terrific.

VICKI: So which way?

ROGER: All right. Before she comes back with the sardines.

VICKI: Up here?

ROGER: Yes, yes.

VICKI: In here?

ROGER: Yes, yes, yes.

VICKI: It's another bathroom.

ROGER: No, no, no.

VICKI: Always trying to get me into bathrooms.

ROGER: I mean in here.

VICKI: Oh, black sheets!

ROGER: It's the airing cupboard. This one, this one.

LLOYD: And God said, 'Hold it.' And they held it. And God saw that it was terrible.

GARRY: Sorry, loves, this door won't open.

BELINDA: Oh, I love technicals!

GARRY: She loves technicals! Isn't she just, I mean, honestly, she loves technicals! Dotty! Where's Dotty?

BELINDA: Everyone's always so nice to everyone.

GARRY: Oh! Isn't she just, I mean, she really is, isn't she. Belinda's being all, you know.

BELINDA: Tim, my love, this door won't close.

GARRY: And the bedroom won't, you know.

BELINDA: Oh no!

GARRY: Not already?

BELINDA: Selsdon!

GARRY: Selsdon!

BROOKE: Would who?

GARRY: Selsdon. We can't find him!

BELINDA: He's been as good as gold all the way through rehearsals.

GARRY: Yes, because in the rehearsal room it was all, I don't know, but there we were, do you know what I mean?

LLOYD: There was no set. You could see everyone

GARRY: And here it's all, you know.

DOTTY: 'Let's give him one last chance,' I said. 'One last chance!' I mean, what can you do? We were in weekly rep together in Peebles.

GARRY: It's my fault, my precious. I shouldn't have let you. This tour her isn't just, do you know what I mean? This is her life savings!

BELINDA: We know, love.

GARRY: Just something to buy a little house that she could, I mean, come on, that's not so much to ask.

BELINDAL: Selsdon!

GARRY: Oh my God, he's here all the time!

LLOYD: I'm just God, Belinda, love. I'm just the one with the English degree, I don't know anything.

GARRY: What's happening?

LLOYD: I don't like to imagine, Garry, honey.

GARRY: I mean, what are we waiting for?

LLOYD: I don't know what you're waiting for, Garry. Her sixteenth birthday?

GARRY: What?

MRS. CLACKETT: In the little pigeonhouse in your desk, love.

ROGER: Yes, but I could hear voices!

FREDERICK: Thank you, Lloyd. As long as we're not too pushed. But I've never understood why he carries an overnight bag and a box of groceries into the study to look at his mail.

GARRY: Because they have to be out of the way for my next scene!

DOTTY: Selsdon!

GARRY: Selsdon!

LLOYD: Freddie, love, why does anyone do anything? Why does that other idiot walk out through the door holding two plates of sardines? I'm not getting at you, love.

GARRY: Of course not, love. I mean, why do I? I mean, right, when you come to think about it, why do I?

BELINDA: Or it could be genetic.

GARRY: Yes, or it could be, you know.

LLOYD: And on we merrily go. "Yes, but I could hear voices…"

ROGER: Yes, but I could hear voices!

VICKI: Voices? What sort of voices?

ROGER: People's voices.

VICKI: But there's no one here.

ROGER: Darling! i saw the door handle move! it could be someone from the office, checking up.

VICKI: I still don't see why you've got to put your tie on to look.

ROGER: Mrs. Crackett.

VICKI: Mrs. Crackett?

ROGER: One has to set an example to the staff.

VICKI: Oh look, she's opened our sardines.

ROGER: Come back!

VICKI: What

ROGER: I'll fetch them! You can't go downstairs like that.

VICKI: Why not?

ROGER: Mrs. Crackett.

VICKI: Mrs. Crackett?

ROGER: One has certain obligations.

MRS. CLACKETT: Sardines here. Sardines there. It's like a Sunday school outing. Oh, you're still poking around, are you?

ROGER: Yes, still poking… well, still around.

MRS. CLACKETT: In the airing cupboard were you?

ROGER: No, no. Well, just checking the sheets and pillowcases. Going through the inventory. Mrs. Blackett…

MRS. CLACKETT: Clackett, dear, Clackett.

ROGER: Mrs. Clackett. Is there anyone else in the house, Mrs. Clackett?

MRS. CLACKETT: I haven't seen no one, dear.

ROGER: I thought I heard voices.

MRS. CLACKETT: Voices? There's no voices here, love.

ROGER: I must have imagined it.

PHILIP: Oh good Lord above!

ROGER: I beg your pardon?

MRS. CLACKETT: Oh good Lord above, the study door's open.

ROGER: There's another car outside! That's not Mr. Hackham's, is it? Or Mr. Dudley's?

FLAVIA. Well, I'll put it in the attic, with all the other things you gave me that are too precious to wear.

ROGER: All right, all right… Now the study door's open again! What's going on? Knocking! Upstairs! Oh my God, there's something in the airing cupboard! Oh, it's you.

VICKI: Of course it's me! You put me in here! In the dark with all black sheets and things.

ROGER: But, darling, why did you lock the door?

VICKI: Why did I lock the door? Why did you lock the door!

ROGER: I didn't lock the door!

VICKI: Someone locked the door!

ROGER: Anyway, we can't stand here like this.

VICKI: Like what?

ROGER: In your underwear.

VICKI: OK, I'll take it off.

ROGER: In here, in here!