Importance of Eating Earnest - Act 2

Opening line (you and zombie are setting table)

Oh, you’d think you’ve never set a table before. Give me those.

Narrator: Zombies are quite uncultured. What doctor? Do you recall a doctor? I sure don’t.

Just…put them anywhere. It doesn’t matter.

Zombie: (Groans sadly.)

Don’t you start. Thank God you weren’t up to the task…or we might have made a terrible, awful…lusty mistake.

Daniel: Darling.

Dear.

William: No matter. It can wait. Everything looks lovely, Laura.

Thank you, William. (To Daniel) Explain to me why you’ve invited your secretary to dinner

Daniel: Why do you ask? Is there something you’d like to say about it?

No, no. I was just curious.

Daniel: My secretary? Yes, well, believe you me, I’m wondering that myself.

Catherine: Aren’t you snippy.

It’s almost like he’s hiding something.

Vivian: I’m surprised I could make it so fast. You only gave me an hour, and the trains weren’t-

An hour?

Daniel: Anyway, everyone this is my secretary, Vivian. I think it’s safe to say that she’s the brazier…er…brains of our firm.

It’s a pleasure.

Vivian: I guess I should get used to being interrup-

Maybe we should all sit down and get to know each other over drinks.

William: Sorry, but this is fun. And look at those…those great big…wow.

It’s true, it has to be true. Look at how he’s carrying on with her.

Catherine: You might be right.

What do you mean? I thought you knew for certain?

Vivian: Are you okay? You don’t look well.

I’ve got to step things up.

Catherine: Yes, I agree.

What are you doing?

Catherine: Nothing, darling. I’m just protecting whats mine.

What?

Vivian: These people are insane.

Daniel: So, this is how it’s going to be, is it?

Whatever do you mean?

Vivian: Do you…do you need help with that?

Well, you’re getting along nicely with Vivian, don’t you think?

Catherine: I think I can see why she’d be bothered.

Bothered? No, not at all. I think it’s perfectly fine for a man and his secretary to be so very chummy.

William: He might ask why you are so close with the houseboy?

Oh? Why? Tell us all, Daniel, why you might want to know such a thing.

Daniel: Er…I really couldn’t care less.

Fine.

Catherine: I see. Not much for talking, are you?

William: No…not me.

Houseboy, why don’t you sit and enjoy and enjoy dinner with us?

Vivian: Yes, you can sit here.

Quiet, “Mimi”.

Vivian: Mimi? No, I’m Viv-

Have a taste of this, it’s quite good finger food. My, aren’t you anxious for a bite…

Catherine: Right, this is an evening that’s been full of surprises. Houseboy, perhaps you could come with me into the kitchen.

No, I think he wants to stay out here.

Daniel: Actually, uh, I’ll come into the kitchen with you, Catherine.

Well, I think I’m going to go into the bedroom and slip into something a little bit more…comfortable.

William: Wait for me

What?

William: I need to use your facilities.

Oh.

Catherine: Complicated? Complicated? You men are all alike!

Good lord, Bill. I didn’t know that one man was capable of that!

Catherine: Trust me, it’s not just the pate.

Alright, then, let’s all sit down and eat, shall we?

Vivian: I don’t think so. I just feel a litte-

Oh, concerned about her are you? Da

Daniel: And why not? She’s a guest in our home. If she’s feeling ill, then it is my obligation to see to her needs.

Well, you’ve got at least part of that right.

William: No wait a minute! What do you mean by “too”?

Catherine: You know damn well what I mean!

Whats this then?

Narrator (line)

William: Now see here!

Catherine! I had no idea your husband was an adulterer too!

Daniel: Wait just a minute. I don’t like the implication in your tone. And don’t act so surprised; you’re the one that told me about William and Elise in the first place!

What?

Catherine: Oh, this is terrible irritating. I don’t think I can be here anymore.

I’m coming with you.

Daniel: Piss and moan about it all you want. I’m not happy with you, little houseboy. Not at all. And I think you know why.

But honestly, I thought you knew? Everyone knew-

William: Oh dear. Dinner isn’t sitting too well with me tonight. If you’ll all excuse me . We’ll finish this discussion when I return.

Catherine, is it true? Are you…are you seeing someone else?

Catherine: It’s complicated. I’d rather not get into it right now.

But who is it? Is it someone I know?

Daniel: Of course it’s not someone you know!

What?

Daniel: I-I mean, I’m sure its no one you know…Billions of people in the world, and they all want to know if they know who it is!

Where are you going?

Catherine: Well, it’s only fair, with what Bill did to me. I hope he’s terribly upset.

He looked ready to kill someone.

Daniel: You don’t…you don’t think he would actually kill someone…they mean hurt people in perfectly recoverable ways, preferably not about the face.

He looked pretty mad to me. if I were that bloke, I’d surely fear for my life.

Daniel: Oh dear.

Or at least my testicles…

Daniel: Oh dear…

What?

Daniel: I mean, I’m sure the fellow deserves whatever William is going to do to him.

Catherine: Yes, he probably does.

And you.`

Daniel: Me? What about me?

Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on here. You’ve been paying an awful lot of attention to Vivian tonight, don’t you think?

Daniel: What are you trying to say"?

What I’m trying to say is—what the hell is that stench?

Catherine: Dear christ, William! It smells like something died in there!

William: (groans)

Oh God, I’m going to go into the kitchen. We’re not done with our discussion, Daniel. Not by a long shot. Houseboy!

Daniel: …Jesus! If she sees this, she’ll get the wrong idea. Well, the right idea, but with the wrong person, and I can’t stomach if this gets any worse.

Is it getting worse in here?

Daniel: What? No! Not worse! Not that it was bad to begin with, you see, but if it was bad, it’s certainly not getting worse.

You don’t think the smell was bad before?

Daniel: Oh, the smell? Worse? Um…no, I think it’s getting much better.

What’s that?

Daniel: Nothing, really. Or, it was William and Catherine, back from making up and not planning on any more big announcements right? Good. Shall we get back to dinner then?

I suppose. Where did Vivian go?

Daniel: Oh, uh, she said she was going to go home. Not feeling well, I think.

Oh.

(All the zombies moan and groan)

Sounds like a bunch of zombies at the table.

Daniel: Oh Jesus, what now?

Police: Police!

Police?

Daniel: Did…did someone point at the door and say something like, “the police never com knocking when you need them?”

No, not me.

Police officer: Smell good in here, eh? Suppa’?

Um…yes.

Police officer: Oh marg. Mereome rom mown miv ma mug.

I’m sorry?

Police officer: …So I says to m’self, “m’self, what would cause the whole constabulary to take the day off, eh??”

yes, I’m sure that would make a man wonder.

Police officer: But I checks and it ain’t Sunday, right? So I checks me the calendar, and lo an’ behold, I see it’s Monday, which is wha’ day I fought it was ta begin wif.

Dear lord, will this man never shut up?

An’ then I-’ey, wha’ was that?

Yes, what was that.

Police officer: What the ‘ell? Did you know you’ve got a young woman in ‘ere?

Vivian’s in there?

Daniel: It, uh…it looks like it.

What kind of sick game are you playing at!? You put that poor girl in the closet and-

Daniel: Poor girl? Poor girl!? Not ten minutes ago, you couldn’t stand her. Now shes a “poor girl”?

I didn’t know you were playing at being a sick, sexual deviant!

Daniel: Me!? A sexual deviant?! Are you mad?

Come off it Daniel! The game is up. I know that you’ve been having an affair with her, but I didn’t know the depths you’ve sunk to. She looked like such an innocent girl, and you’ve probably corrupted her and turned her into a monster!

Daniel: Oh. I’ve been having an affair, have I? Have I? Well, what about you and your little latin loverly, there, huh? Who’s the one thats been unfaithful, eh?

Only because you were unfaithful first!

Daniel: I saw you looking at the other houseboy, Poncho, or whatever his name was!

I never…well, I never acted on it. And I’ve got some news for YOU, you git! All this is just a game. To make you confess to what you’ve done, and did you ever! Hah!

Daniel: I-Wait, nothing happened between you two?

No, Daniel. I would never cheat on you. Well, he did bite me int he kitchen, but that was an innocent little nip.

Daniel: He BIT you? Jesus, look at you. Just the thought of that has got you sweating. And to think for a moment I believe that you didn’t do anything with him.

Oh Daniel! You’re such a man. I wish you were dead!

Daniel: You wish I were dead?

I don’t know. Maybe I wish I were dead.