come from away lines

An elementary school

An SPCA

AND WE SAID NO

That morning, I drop my kids off at school and head to the SPCA where I’m greeted by my other kids, all barking and meowing for breakfast and a belly rub—not that I’m complaining, I loves ‘em. But by the time feeding’s done, I’ve got to get back and pick up my human kids. So, I take just one second for myself and I’m sitting in my car.

I’m in the library.

And I turn on the radio.

I’m running my radar when Bonnie comes by. She pulls up, and she’s waving at me like mad, so I roll down my window and she says…

Oz, turn on your radio!

Slow it down, Bonnie.

Jesus H, Oz! Turn on your radio!

Air India one…

Sabena five tree niner, Gander—winds two one zero degrees five naughts. You are cleared to land runway two two. Thank you five tree niner, vector for runway two two. Turn left heading two five zero to Intercept the localizer. Cleared straight in back-course two two.

No, sir. You do not have a choice.

Air Lingus

Lufthanza.

We're having trouble with the…cabin lighting system. We're just going to touch down while we fix the system.

Damen und Herren: dieses ist ihr pilot. Wir haben eine Situation in den America. Es hat eine Terroristtätigkeit gegeben und wir werden bestellt, in Kanada zu landen.

This is Rogers TV Channel 9. My name is Janice Mosher and I’m reporting live from Gander Airport where the 19th plane has just touched down. I’m here with…

Bonnie Harris. On a normal day, we get about a half dozen flights, and now we’ve already got three times that many landing in two hours. It’s a lot of noise. You can smell the fuel. You can smell the exhaust.

11:53am.

Tuesday.

NOTHING TO SEE

Hello? It’s Bonnie Harris down at the Gander SPCA. I went down with the rest of the town to look at all those planes. Well, I got to wondering if there weren’t any animals on them…No? There’s no animals on those planes? Not a ONE?!…Okay then. Thank you for your time.

Doug!

Doug, are there animals on those planes?

Uh, probably?

“Probably.” Are they “probably” feeding them then? I’m heading over.

Bonnie, there’s armed guards, the army, police everywhere—

Well, then they’ll have to shoot me!

The whole procedure—the soldiers and all the formality—it just makes me really nervous.

Citizenship?

American/British.

Purpose of your trip?

Vacation/Conference.

Destination?

Houston/Texas.

Thank you.

Citizenship?

American/Egyptian.

Purpose of your trip?

Family/Business…just business.

Destination?

LA/Dallas, then Washington, DC.

Thank you.

Could you come with me, sir?

I said, you’ve got five minutes, Bonnie!

There’s hundreds of suitcases—I can hear barking—but I can’t find them! They fast them before flying, so they’re starving and they need water.

Sorry, Dwight. It’s the wife—you know, Bonnie—from the SPCA—she’s feeding some animals inside. Nothing’s coming off.

I found a cat! His name is Lyle! There’s a pill taped to his carrier. Well I’m glad I got in here to GIVE IT TO HIM! It’s okay, Lyle.

Bonnie, you’ve got to move your arse!

Doug, I have found ONE cat! Do you think it’s LYLE who’s barking?!

No…

Here’s some crunchy, Lyle. I’ll be back to give you your pill.

Oh, god. Bonnie!

Doug…Doug!

What? Bonnie? Bonnie, talk to me!

Doug! There are monkeys on this plane.

And I think I’ll stay with Diane, you know, instead of the gay men who hate me.

Doug’s helping me feed the animals—and after security checks each plane—slow as cold molasses—we finally find eight dogs, nine cats—one of whom’s epileptic—not to mention two rare Bonobo chimpanzees! And the female chimpanzee is pregnant. We’ve got to get them off these planes! (into the phone) Hello? Is the mayor there? It’s Bonnie Harris again. Yes, I’ll hold.

Airport Authority was pretty clear about “No rare chimpanzees on Canadian soil.”

Doug. Take that.

—what is that?

It’s rare chimpanzee shit. What do you think it is? (into the phone) Yes? The mayor! Yes! I’ll hold!

I’ve got to get back to Air Traffic Control!

Doug—look up! Do you see anything flying?

I can’t see across the friggin Atlantic!

Just get me more litter from the truck!

Get your own litter!

Fine then, goodbye! (into the phone) No! Not you! Hello? Hello?!

Well, then what do we feed people?

We also need to tell that girl at Rogers to announce that rotary, hockey, boys and girls club—everything’s canceled until further notice.

Don’t look at me! It’s not my decision!

after prayer

Health Canada finally lets the animals off and quarantines them to Hangar One. It’s a big room with cats and dogs and chimpanzees and there’s barking, meowing—and then the chimps start imitating the dogs, and they’re barking too. The phones are ringing off the hook with people, who want to see their pets…

…But they’re not allowed anywhere near the planes.

And I’m worried about Unga, the pregnant Bonobo. All animals are affected badly by stress, not just humans.

Bonnie? I know you’re not leaving the animals, so I brought you some chili. But I really think that tonight, you should come home and get some sleep…

Doug! Oh my—get in here! We are about to have the first rare Bonobo chimpanzee born in Newfoundland!

Goodbye!

Let us know you made it home safe!

All planes are stopped. No one’s taking off.

I’ll put the kettle on. You must’ve missed us, come on in!

September 15th…

And it turns out that if they’d made it to Orlando, they would’ve gotten four days of rain.

I’m just doing one more litter scoop, and then I’ll get them on the planes!

Lyle. You’re a beautiful cat. I’ve taped your pill bottle to your carrier and made sure someone’ll see it. You did good. You’re going to be fine.

Ralph. You’re a good cocker spaniel. I know the night security crew ran you a bit ragged, so I want you to sleep on the plane, okay?

Okay.

…Unga…I’ve never met a rare Bonobo chimpanzee before. We don’t get many of them here in Newfoundland. And since your partner there likes to throw his own feces, I’m going to say that you are the nicest rare Bonobo chimpanzee I’ve ever met…And I want you to know that I’m sorry…I’m sorry that you lost your baby…I’ve got three, and some days they’re more trouble than they’re worth…Anyway. You’re going to be okay.

Dear Miss Beulah…

P.S., please send me the recipe for the fish and the cheese.

Ralph, the cocker spaniel, went on to become a champion show dog!

And Unga the rare Bonobo chimpanzee arrived safely at the Columbus Zoo.

And soon after, she had a baby—which they named Gander.