SFL 200 Larry Nelson Midterm

Individual truths

Each a spirit of heavenly parents

Gender is an eternal characteristic

We can return back to God with temple ordinances

Couple truths

Marriage is essential for God's plan

Powers of procreation are reserved for marriage

Multiply and replenish the earth

Love and care for each other

Parenting truths

Children are a heritage from the Lord

Rear children in love and righteousness

Provide for physical and spiritual needs

Teach to love and serve one another

Teach to obey the law

Family truths

Family happiness is most likely when founded on the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ

9 foundation stones for family success

Faith

prayer

repentance

forgiveness

respect

love

compassion

work

wholesome recreational activities

Brigham Young on "Mormonism"

"Mormonism," so called, embraces every principle pertaining to life and salvation, for time and eternity. No matter who has it. . . All that is good, lovely, and praiseworthy belongs to this Church and Kingdom. "Mormonism" includes all truth. There is no truth but what belongs to the Gospel ... It is the business of the Elders of the Church . . . to gather up all the truths in the world pertaining to life and salvation, to the Gospel we preach, . . . to the sciences, and to philosophy, wherever it may be found in every nation, kindred, tongue, and people and bring it to Zion."

Embraces all light and truth. The church is gathering all truth, wherever it may be found.

Epistemology

Ways of knowing

Empiricism

the senses

Rationalism

reasoning

scientific method

empiricism and rationalism

Authority

Knowledge from authoritative figures

Revelation

Knowledge from God

Doctrine

A truth of salvation

Eternal unchanging

Foundational, fundamental, and comprehensive

Principles

Subsets of truths based on doctrines

Provide direction

Answers "What?"

provide basic guidelines for behaviour and action

Practices

Actual behaviours and procedures which we follow

Are subject to change under different circumstances

Answers "How?"

Abrahamic covenant Earthly blessings

Promised land

Great posterity

Gospel of Christ and the priesthood for him and his posterity

Abrahamic covenant Earthly and Eternal parallels

celestial kingdom

eternal marriage and increase

exaltation and eternal life

Abrahamic covenant responsibilities

obey God's commandments

help all of gods children receive all of the blessings of the gospel

Benefits of marriage

more likely to be "very happy"

least likely to be depressed

college grad is least likely to divorce

most economically wealthy

save and invest more

less likely to experience domestic violence

less likely to die at a younger age

more likely to be faithful

more likely to be sexually satisfied

less likely to be victims of a violent crime

Threats to perceptions of divine worth

false notion of the origin of man

false notion of who god is

confusing worldly worth for divine worth

comparisons

mistaking worthiness for worth

Average age of marriage in US (1950s and 2016)

20 and 22

27 and 29

top criteria for adulthood

what are we doing to qualify for this level of adulthood

now or never mentality

Pre-occupied with living it up first

Travel, social events, risky behaviors, academics, etc

playing with a purpose

-An activity that includes fun/adventure/excitement

-An activity that includes other people

-An activity that challenges your current thinking

-An activity that requires effort/action/work (Do an effort that's hard or meaningful)

-An activity that makes you think about other people

becoming a transitional character

-Set your mind to it

-Distance yourself emotionally from those that would prevent your change

-Get an education

-Marry a little later to allow time to make the changes

-Read good books about the problem

-Join organizations that can help

-Strengthen testimony of and live the gospel of Jesus Christ (Not science, Nelson added it to the list)

Luke 2:52

"And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature and in favour with God and man"

Dating vs. hanging out

-E. Oaks says dates require: paired off, planned ahead, and paid for

-Hanging out requires no commitment; people may think that the only reason to date is to marry; need to understand the true reasons for dating

-Dating: helps you become, and helps you become the person to marry

-Reason to date: Fun/Compansionship, become the right person, determine attributes you do and don't want in a spouse, learn to commit to someone, fine somebody to marry

Heavenly confirmation about who to marry

1.Peace, comfort, assurance that confirm your decision is correct.

2.Unsettled feelings, stupor of thought, indicating the choice is wrong.

3.No response (at least not yet). Move forward the best you can, always sensitive to further promptings.

6 principles of spiritual confirmation about a spouse

1. Live worthy of inspiration

2. Exercise agency

3. Ask in faith

4. Seek multiple witnesses

5. Discern b/t inspiration, infatuation, and desperation

6. Confirmation received by both

Engagement preparations

-End it if it's not right

-Long courtship, short engagement

-Pick a date and schedule the temple right away

-Tell your bishops right away and meet frequently

-Enroll in a marriage/temple prep class

-Get a good LDS marriage planning book

-Keep yourself physically healthy (exercise, eat well, sleep well)

-Set clear physical boundaries on intimacy and stick to them

-Make a wedding budget within your means and stick to it (don't go into debt!)

-Keep your eyes open to red flags in relationships. Break off the engagement if you don't believe the marriage will work (better than divorce)

-Read several good LDS books about the temple

-Receive endowments ahead of time and go back to the temple several times.

-Read several good LDS books about marital intimacy

Temple preparations

Focus on symbols

understand symbols in general

temple garments

covenants and ordinance

Wedding preparations

-Pictures, clothing, etc.

-Know and be prepared for practical aspects of the temple

-Brides' dresses are to be white. Dresses are to be below the knee in length but do not have to be full length; pants or pantsuits are not permitted.

-Dresses should be modest in design and fabric and free of elaborate ornamentation.

-Sheer fabrics should be lined.

-A high or modestly scooped neckline and long sleeves are required.

-If the dress has a train, the train is to be removed while in the temple

Temple marriage Covenants

Three way-(husband, wife, Christ); promises to individual, couple, and children

LDS newlywed problems

1.Unrealistic expectations of marriage or spouse (71%)

2.Communication (69%)

3.Money management/finances (58%)

4.Decision making/problem solving (54%)

5.Sex (50%)

3 stages of marriage

1. Romantic Love Stage

2. Disillusionment & Distraction

3. Dissolution or adjustment with resignation or contentment

Romantic love stage

-Ecstasy (Greek=deranged)

-Sexual, physical, passionate

-Dopamine

-Communication

-Lack of major crises

-Tend to show only good side

-Full of optimism

Disillusionment and Distraction stage

-Romantic love inevitably slips away, honeymoon ends

-Challenges arise

-Learning to live together takes physical & emotional toll

-Reality replaces fantasy

-Marriage fulfils you but also disappoints you

-Personality traits not seen during courtship appear

-Best side forward is replaced by basic side

-Start wanting to change partner, possible feelings of regret

-Start to experience stressful events that tax relationship (children, bills, buying home, miscarriage)

-Life infringes on the time devoted to the relationship.

-Sex life hurt by stress, fatigue, diminishing romantic love, etc.

Dissolution or adjustment with resignation or contentment

What should we do?

-Give up, dissolve relationship

-Keep trying to survive in unsatisfying marriage

-Adjust with resignation; separate lives, little love, stay together for external reasons (children, $)

-We can decide to be more content

-Develop new kinds of love

Cornerstone marriage

Being married helps you develop and become & achieve other things in life

Capstone marriage

Viewing marriage as the final event after everything else is accomplished

Top 10 myths about marriage

1. The ESP Myth

2. The "I'm-Good-Enough-Just-As-I-Am" Myth

(No matter how I behave, my spouse should love me simply because he is my spouse)

3. The Finger-Pointing-Will-Change-Him Myth

(I can change my spouse by pointing out his inadequacies, errors, and other flaws)

4. The Love-In-A-Vacuum Myth

(Either he loves me or he doesn't; nothing I do changes that)

5. The Let-It-All-Hang-Out Myth

(Say as much negative and positive things you want)

6. The My-Feelings-Have-To-Change-First Myth

(I must first feel better about my partner before I can change my behavior toward him.)

7. The Romantic-Love-Is-The-Key Myth

(Maintaining romantic love is the key to marital happiness over the life span for most couples.)

8. The It's-A-50-50-Deal Myth

(Marriage should always be a 50-50 partnership.)

9. The Marriage-Is-The-Ultimate-Answer Myth

(Marriage can fulfill all of my needs)

10. The Keep-Quiet-And-Do-It-Alone Myth

(Couples should keep their problems to themselves and solve them alone.)

Gottman's research

Positive to negative interactions

5:1 = happy stable marriage

.8 = 1 predicts divorce

Chapman's 5 love languages

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Physical Touch

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Quality Time

5. Acts of service

Communications Don'ts

1. Don't attempt to solve problems electronically

2. Don't cause "conversational whiplash"

3. Don't interrupt

4. Don't look for the worst

5. Don't lose your temper

6. No "gunnysacking" or kitchen sinking"

7. Don't get personal- avoid "taboo topics"

8. No "yes-butting"

9. No "cross-complaining

10. Don't use sarcasm.

11. Don't let things go too far

12. Avoid the "four horseman of negative conflict"

-Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling

Communication Do's

1. Remember the 5 to 1 rule

2. Stop talking! Give full attention. (Listening is a full body exercise)

3. Put the speaker at ease.

4. Acknowledge and validate feelings

5. Show understanding by paraphrasing-not parroting.

6. Make sure words, facial expressions, tone, and body language match and are honest.

7. Stay on task and on one topic.

8. Be polite, kind, sensitive, and caring.

9. Use "I" statements

10. Go to sleep angry (but sleep in the same bed)

11. Eliminate destructive patterns in your disagreements

12. Make and accept repair attempts

13. Self-Disclose

14. Remember, the objective of a disagreement isn't to win!

Foundational processes for an enduring marriage

-Continuing Courtship throughout the Years

-Love and Friendship

-Positive Interaction

-Accepting Influence

-Respectfully handling differences & solving problems

Couple conflict styles

-Avoidant

-Validating

-Volatile

-Hostile

-Avoidant-Volatile

Avoidant

•Minimize conflict as much as possible

•Interact with spouse, but avoid contentious issues

•Feel that problems will work themselves out if you just relax

•See little point in getting angry openly

Validating

•Make sure that both sides are heard

•Make sure that their partner's views are appreciated

•Believe in remaining calm and displaying self-control

•Spend equal amounts of time validating each other and working on a compromise

Volatile

•More passionate, louder, and more energetic

•Don't shy away from a lively debate

•Believe that differences are resolved by getting everything out in the open

•Intensity is often balanced out by kind and loving expressions

Hostile

(More reported negative outcomes when both couples fall into this category)

•This is the only non-regulated style

•Can be described as destructive

•Try to tear their partner down during conflict

•At times they stonewall all contact with their spouse

Avoidant-volatile

These couples are the least common but it is worse when there isn't at least one validator in the relationship.

3 aspects of mature love

1.Emotions (feelings - heart)

2.Cognitive (attitudes - mind)

3.Behavior (actions - strength)

Noller on mature love

"...although immature love is a reality in our world, mature love is possible and is sustained by beliefs that love involves acknowledging and accepting differences and weaknesses; that love involves an internal decision to love another person and a long-term commitment to maintain that love; and finally that love is controllable and needs to be nurtured and nourished by the lovers."

Emotional parts of love - immature

-Possessiveness

- Jealousy

- Infatuation

- Preoccupation

- Anxiety

Emotional parts of love - mature

-Lasting passion

- Desire for companionship

- Warm feeling of contentment

Belief parts of love - immature

- "Love is blind"

- Love is external to us

- "Cupid's Arrow"

- Love is beyond our control

Belief parts of love - mature

- Love is something you have to "decide"

- Love Means: Commitment, trust,

sharing, sacrifice

Behaviour parts of love - immature

- Selfish

- Lustful

- Concern only for satisfying own needs

- Clinging

- Over-dependent

- Demanding obedience from partner

Behaviour parts of love - mature

- Creates an environment of growth and development: "you have always given me wings to fly, and i have loved you for it"

- Allows partner space for growth

Cognitive mechanisms

-Perceived Superiority

-Postive Illusions

-Inattention to Alternative

-Cognitive Interdependence

Perceived superiority

Think of your relationship as being better than most

Positive illusions

Think of spouse and the marriage in the best possible light

•Think of spouse's and relationship's deficiencies as trivial

Inattention to alternatives

Don't think about what it would be like to be in a different relationship

Cognitive interdependence

Think of yourself as a couple rather than separate individuals (Use "we, us and ours" more than "I, me, mine")