Art Museum Lines

HIGGINS: Good morning. Welcome to the Briggs Gallery. I hope you’re all looking forward to a rewarding visit.

(to HIGGINS) Caleb can hardly contain his excitement

DUNCAN: Is there anything worse than taking a field trip to an art museum?

Taking a job at an art museum.

KAITLIN: Though the art saw it all…

(jumps in and suddenly remembers) It remains on the wall…

MONIQUE: Silently hiding the truth. We sang that as little kids, remember?

My little sister still sings it.

MS. BELL: Here comes Mr. Briggs now. Let’s be on our best behavior. Abby, you are not to ask him about that legend. We needn’t bother him with this nonsense.

I’m sure we can think of some other nonsense to bother him with.

DUNCAN: Oh. What do you know about Vanishing Valerie?

(admonishing DUNCAN) Ms. Bell told us not to ask about that.

MR. BRIGGS: With pleasure. You are all perfectly safe. I can assure you that none of our patrons have “disappeared forever”

(in a cartoonishly creepy voice) That means she haunts this place as a ghost.

Lady: I usually just look around until one of the paintings speaks

I have a hunch that when one of the paintings speaks to her, she actually speaks back.

DUNCAN: That would be awesome

What?

DUNCAN: Yo, painting people. Hellooo? Hola? They’re speechless.

(stunned he actually tried it, shakes head) I am too.

DUNCAN: I stand corrected. Art is not the most boring thing in the world. He is. Let’s go to the T-Rex.

This is an art museum, not a history museum.

DUNCAN: There are no dinosaurs?

Not unless you count the old, boring dude.

DUNCAN: Can we at least look at the famous paintings then? The Mona Lisa. The melting clocks. The creepy bald guy doing the impression of the kid from Home Alone.

Those are in foreign countries. This is a rinky-dink museum in a dead end town. These painting are all done by artists living in a 5-mile radius. (Checks his guide) Maybe we’ll get lucky though and find a painting imported from the next town over.

DUNCAN: But it’s a field trip! We shouldn’t be stuck in a stuffy old building. It’s right there in the name. Field trip. We should be outdoors. In the grass. Throwing a frisbee.

SETH: (points to map) They’ve got a watercolor of a watercolor in the other room. We’ll grab some cookies from the snack bar, and you can toss them at the painting (to the GIRLS, playfully) You ladies could join us for a picnic.

JENNA: Then we’d be the ones tossing cookies.

(Sighs and exits)

KAITLIN: Mrs. Bell does. Twenty of them, five periods a day. It’s no wonder she escapes from school once a year and brings a handful of us normal ones along.

(Enter upstage with Duncan, rushing across the room holding cookies)

IRENE: Do you mean married? Or in the same building at the same time? Cause I don’t see either one happening.

(Enter left with Duncan, going towards the girls)

JENNA: At the moment.

You can add the two of us.

JENNA: Us? Involved with them? Never

Women. I’ll never understand them.

DUNCAN: What is that Higgins dude?

He’s probably gone crazy from boredom. Can you imagine staring at these same paintings every day?

DUNCAN: I could if they were TVs. I’d just change the channels or hook up an Xbox. If they had a controller on this one, I’d blast the gargoyle guarding the building.

It’s not a gargoyle. it’s a Cupid.

ABBY: Is the Cupid using arrows?

(laughs at her silly questions) No. A bazooka and hand grenades (imitates bazooka)

DUNCAN: Well, I admit the girl’s kind og hot…in a stuck up, old-fashioned, repressed, older-woman-who-could-secretly-be-wild sort of way. But that dude needs help. Look at his face. He wants no part of being there.

(to girls) If anyone knows the “I want to get out of here” face, it’s Duncan.

KAITLIN: You can tell that by looking at him? (Duncan exits)

No, he really wants a sandwhich. See ya. (exits after Duncan)

KAITLIN: Only to conclusions.

(Walk in with Duncan and support him as he walks to the bench) Why would you try to eat the apple?

DUNCAN: The apple was seven bucks.

The apple was clay!

DUNCAN: Who puts sculptures by a snack bar?

Who puts gray food in their mouths?

DUNCAN: Ahhhh!

What?

DUNCAN: That’s the ugliest painting I’ve ever seen in my life. The twisty blue things are making me nauseous.

(soft laugh) You don’t think it has anything to do with swallowing a large chunk of art?

DUNCAN: I could be dying here. I see an angel and a bright light.

(follows his gaze, annoyed) That’s an airplane flying past a window.

(Duncan falls forward)

(Rolls him back onto bench and tries to support him)

IRENE: He’s right. This seems like art, but it’s not.

(stand and help Duncan recline, but accidentally drop him and cringe; move down to girls)

IRENE: No, but I think I remember painting this in kindergarten. The only thing missing are the magnets that used to hold it to the refrigerator.

If they were fruit-shaped magnets, I think I might know where they went. (Gestures to Duncan, but regrets it and points to painting instead) I remember studying this. It’s expressionism, isn’t it?

MONIQUE: What do you think, Seth?

I think somebody squashed a bunch of blue stuff and called it art.

MONIQUE: But what was he trying to say?

“I hate Smurfs?”

MONIQUE: Be serious.

I am! Check the sign. I bet it’s a “Gargamel”

ABBY: Is he okay?

Uhhh. He’s just…sleeping. He took a bite of an apple.

(Higgins sprays his mouth)

(Laughs) Impressive. If you mention the seven dwarves next, this place is gonna get really crowded.

(Duncan groans and starts to sit up)

I better help him.

MONIQUE: I better get to the snack bar. Will you be okay?

(guiding Duncan to a sitting position with both hands) I’ll be fine.

MONIQUE: I’ll see you later.

(takes one hand off to rest at side) Then I’ll be even better.

(Monique exits)

(Takes other hand off to wave goodbye and accidentally drops Duncan)

DUNCAN: Ouch!

(helps him up again) Sorry.

DUNCAN: What happened?

You fell asleep. (playfully) And I think a girl might like me.

DUNCAN: Jeeze. How long was I out?

Just long enough.

MS. BELL: Is everything okay, Seth?

(a little flustered) Yeah— Duncan’s just…a little tired

MS. BELL: Yes. But I was thinking about caffeine. Always does the trick for me.

That’s a great idea. I’ll take him to the snack bar right now. (guiding Duncan up and off stage) We’re headed through the sculpture toom. We’re walking. Not snacking. (looks back at Ms. Bell) Thanks, Ms. Bell.

HIGGINS: Your departure will bring me pleasure enough.

(enter left with Monique)

MS. BELL: I’m glad to see Duncan feeling better.

He perked up as soon as he heard it was time to go.

IRENE: “Now museum. Now you don’t?” Oooh, wait! “Arting is such a sweet sorrow”

Irene writes your tweets?

DUNCAN: Not me! I refuse to remain in this museum for another second.

We still have a half day of school when we get back.

ABBY: Yes, it wasn’t Valerie’s. That’s why the couple seemed a little off. For family reasons, and despite his true wished, I think the young man found himself marrying for money rather than love. Obligated to his family, he went through with the union, but he never forgot what he felt in his heart.

(unbelieving) So what happened to Valerie?

DUNCAN: This is unbelievable!

You’re buying this story?

DUNCAN: Aw, man! I thought you were going to say she was here. That would have been awesome. You could have been like “In your face!”

She is here, dude.

LADY: This is a disguise. But I’m afraid I’m not Valerie. I’m Samantha. Samantha Winters. My friends call me Sam.

Sam Winters? The artist? (playfully) I thought you were a man.

DUNCAN: The security guard wears dresses?

He has to spice up the job somehow.

DUNCAN: Don’t you think they’d rather eat alone?

She just means it’s time for us to leave.