Love Actually Midterm NYU-Haroon 2026

Sex Ratio

The number of males per 100 females in the population.

What happens to a low sex ratio?

More feministic views

High sex ratio?

more men than women and more traditional gender roles. More sexually conservative

Singlism

negative stereotypes of single persons that lead to them being discriminated against and treated dismissively

Changes over the past 50 years

- Fewer people marrying

- Those who marry wait longer to do so

- People routinely cohabit without being married

- People routinely have children when they are unmarried

- Divorce is accepted

- Most Mothers work outside the home

Main ideas of Bellhooks All about Love?

Discussions on modern societie's longing for love, love has been pushed away and young generations fear love nowadays, clear definition of love is needed thats why we confuse things, patriarchal society undermines love, no shared definition of love, love is a skill

What was the main idea in Rainer Maria Riki's Seventh Letter

Expresses the idea that love takes work, critiques convention romance and societal expectations, also discussions about love that it requries work, the labor part causes younger people to fail at love, and healthy loves preserves individuality, expresses the importance of individuals in love

Change over the past 50 years - Age that men and women get married on average

Women 28, Men 30

Change over the past 50 years - Age of mother when they have first child

First child at 26.9 years

50 years change - Cohabiting and what research says about couples that cohabit before marriage

People have increased in cohabiting, it used to be 5% without being married back in 1965. Future marriage is likely and future divorce is more likely if they do marry.

What are the reasons for all these changes over 50 years?

Technology, Economics, individualism, phubbing, technoference

Preferences Due to Evolution

Male - Paternity uncertainty

Female- Parental investment

Actual individual differences in sex theirs barely any overlap in actual sex differences

expressive traits

personality characteristics such as gentle and yielding, more often ascribed to females, emphasizing emotions and relationships, Warmth, Tenderness, Compassion, Kindness, Sensitivity to Others

Instrumental Traits

"masculine" task-oriented talents, Traditionally masculine, ex. Assertiveness, Self-Reliance, Ambition, Leadership, Decisiveness

Eros

Sexual Passion and desire, named after the Greek god of fertility

Philia

Friendship love, valued for more then the base sexuality of Eros, loyalty to friends, sharing emotions with them. Brothers in arms, deep comradely love

Storge

A type of philia love, but natural instinctual affection, familial love, patient and child, pet and owner, unilateral or asymmetrical love, borne out of fondness

Ludus

Playful love, referred often to the affection between young lovers or children, bar bantering with friends ex.

Agape

Universal love, selfless love

A love extended to all people, family members or strangers, love the world :)

Pragma

Mature love, deep understanding that developed between long married couples, about making compromises to help the relationship, traits include patient and intolerance

Philatia

Self Love

TWO TYPES OF THIS

Unhealthy Version: Overly self-obsessive and too focused on personal fame and fortune, associated with narcissism

Healthy Version: enchanted capacity to love the self, high self esteem but not super crazy high

Plato "Symposium" Aristophanes

The story of people before hand and how their were female-female, male-male, and female-male. The humans originally had four arms, legs, and 2 faces . Males were from the sun, Females were the earth, and Female-Male were the Moon, they were so powerful that Zeus cut each human in half and each person attempts to find their other half and if they would practically collide and die.

The art of Loving - Erich Fromm (Second Week)

Love is a verb not a permanent state, and requires actual practice. Need discipline and concentration to be able to love. Attempts to be openly minded and to also not to indulge into too many escapist activities. Furthermore the main condition to love is to be able to overcome ones own narcissism (7 conditions and ways). We're too focused on fairness in love as a modern society but it is still possible to love.

The art of the love, how can someone get past their own narcissism?

Reason, Humility, Objectivity, Rational Faith, Courage, Activity

Reason (Erich Fromm)

The faculty to think objectively

Humility (Erich Fromm)

Emotional Attitude

Objectivity (Erich Fromm)

Faculty to see people and things as they are

Rational Faith (Erich Fromm)

Belief rooted in one's own experience

Courage (Erich Fromm)

Ability to take a risk

Activity (Erich Fromm)

Productivity and active orientation in many spheres of life

Can Love Last - Stephen Mitchell

Believes that safety and structure is the real illusion. This is because we descend ourselves from risk to convince ourselves that long term relationships are stable. Furthermore, sexual arousal is unpredictable and makes us feel vulnerable so it only kinda allows ourself to feel it from the outside of our relationships. Fantasy and reality can both coexist and fantasy makes the essential uniqueness of romantic love, both are parts of reality.

We begin by idealizing a partner then overtime appropriately valuing and devaluing reaching the idea of objective reality (but thats also a fantasy!)

3 States of mind by Stephen Michell

Fantasy world of the neurotic

Delusional World of the psychotic

Singular reality where non-psychotic and non-neurotic live

Evolution by Natural Selection

Heritable traits better suited to those environments will survive and reproduce

Survival of the fitess

Means the most reproductively successful , passing on kids and genes

Kin Selection

Natural selection in favor of behavior by individuals that may decrease their own chance of survival but increase the chance of kin

Sexual selection

A form of natural selection in which individuals with certain inherited characteristics are more likely than other individuals to obtain mates.

Male peacocks for example are very beautiful but not practical at all

Too much over evaluation of self effects

Not healthy draws us away from the real world

Too much over evaluation of the other

too much romatic idealization, not too healthy if sustained interminably as it depletes the self, can cause self loathing suicide

congratulations - George Saunders

Kindness is postponed people chose to be kinder later and regret centers on this unkindness as older adults express their deepest regrets to be moments that they failed to be kind and people are shaped by unseen struggles and people who choose not to be kind its usually unintentional, while awareness enables moral growth and kindness gives life meaning

Moral responsibility and conscious daily practice can make us more open and kinder

Evolutionary psychology

the study of the evolution of behavior and the mind, using principles of natural selection.

Assumption that human behavior is a result of evolutionary pressures

PBS Documentary on Evolution and Sex

Sex is more important than life itself as evolutionary change is created by adding variation, people have the powerful urge to pass on genes to other generations

Standard narrative of human sexual evolution

Males and females assess the value of males from perspectives based upon differing reproductive agendas and capabilities

Opposing reproductive strategies

Male competition <- Paternal uncertainty, promiscuous

Female Choice <- Parental investment, choosy

What do men look for in women?

Value warmth and loyalty but consider attractiveness very important dont really value assets and monetary as much as women

Kind beautiful women with no money > wealthy beautiful mean women > sweet but ugly women

What do females look for?

In short term flings

- Accept unkind but attractive ment

Long term partners:

Character > looks, attractive to loyalty, status, resources

Kind understanding not crazy handsome > villanious evil mean CEO and attractive hobo

What do both genders look for?

Short term flings

- Good looking mates

Accept lover intelligence, warmth, and money

Does physical attractiveness matter?

Yes, people who are more attractive physically produce more successfully. (More likely to procreate)

Equatorial Regions: People see beauty and no blemishes as healthy, less diseases

Overall: people that are symmetrical are usually healthier and their are found effects with better mental and physical health.

The subtle Changes during ovulation

More attracted, sexual desire increases, judgement (gaydar) improves

Men think they smell better and they are more attractive.

These effects do not occur if the woman is on birth control

Critique of evolutionary psychology

Sociocultural perspective, it also has difficulties explaining the variations in sexual orientation

What is the sociocultural perspective that critiques the evolutionary perspective?

Biologically yes it does effect us but their could be larger effects socially that is happening to us as countries with more gender quality, men and woman preferences become more similar.

Some examples

- both men and women were more likely to say yes to casual sex if it was a famous person

- hooked up to a lie detector both genders reported the same amount of partners

-in a speed dating event women and men were both choosy if women were forced to inmate

Sex at dawn

Don't see our Current mating behaviors as human nature more so as adaptations to social conditions

- or biologically anonymous: as evolution suggests that humans evolved in socially and sexually flexible groups

Sex promoted social bonding and strengthened group cohesion and cooperation

Jealousy is not innate or inevitable: intestified true to the increased agricultural state of our nation, controlling the female sexuality

Female sexuality has been suppressed: as patriarchy has emerged alongside ownership

Modern relationship stress is structural: dissatisfaction and high divorce rates reflect mismatch

Asks to reframe relationship understand that sexuality is flexible and contextual may lead to healthier and honest relationship models

Kin Altruism Hypothesis

Also known as the gay uncle hypothesis

Homosexuality is an adaptation that involves a shift among those who heterosexual mating prospects are not promising from direct mating effort to investing in kin

No evidence and later got changed to a different one as studies found that both gay and straight uncles contributed equally similar

Prosociality for SSA

Evolved as one of the many suite of traits to respond to strong social selection and ease of social integration or prosocial behavior

- increase of social affiliation, communication, and integration by adopting new functions in social bonding, retirement, appeasement, and Olay

Receive social benefits

Mono-

One

Poly-

many

-andry

men, male

-gyny

women, female

-gamy

marriage, spouse

monogamy dictionary definition

The condition/rule of being married to one person at a time

MONOGAMY (zoologist definition)

One male and one female exclusive mating relationship

The Oneida Community

John Humphrey Noyes started a colony in 1830

- Christian Communist Utopia with one mansion on communal lands share everything INCLUDING SEXUAL PARTNERS

Romantic love for a particular person was considered as selfish and shameful but even with Noye's regulations he couldn't stop it.

Helen fisher's belief of Monogamy

It is natural and exceptions see, to be optional and opportunistic

Consensual Non-monogamy

- Open Relationships

- Swinging

- Polygamy

- Polyamory

-etc etc etc

Fundamental Basis of Attraction

we like those who reward us

Direct Rewards

evident pleasures people provide us

Indirect Rewards

Benefits of which we're not always aware and that are merely associated with someone else

Instrumentality

The extent which someone is able to help us achieve our present goals

How does proximity affect our interpersonal attraction?

We are more likely to be friends with the people closer in proximity but this can also breed enemies

"Digital Distance"

When you've only known someone online and you meet.

Knowledge about each other go up but when finding out who they actually are attraction goes down

How does long distance affect partners?

Conversations with LD partners become harder when they are apart as idealized of the relationship form.

mere exposure effect

the phenomenon that repeated exposure to novel stimuli increases liking of them

How does physical attractiveness affect a person?

They are healthier, make more money, less fines, seen as more interesting, social able

Pretty people get pretty privilege its real asf

Women Attractiveness Physically

0.7 WHR

Slender, Young, Physically attractive, mix of young and mature features,

Male Attractiveness

Sometimes dependent on a women's ovulation cycle

- Ovulation cycle -> More masculine men

- Single -> more attracted to masculine men

- Taken / In relationships -> More feminine men

0.9 WHR though complicate , tall, young, attachment style, politics, value

Women take in account personality a lot more than men do

What makes both attractive?

A mix of both types of a feature, more people express that they want the male to be taller, and that average is attractive!

Matching

partners in established romantic relationships tend to have similar levels of physical attractiveness

Mate value

our overall attractiveness as reproductive partners

People tend to want others with the same mate value

Similarity in attraction

people tend to be attracted to others who are most like themselves but are mildly different more complimentary than similarity

stimulus-value-role theory

a three-stage theory of romantic development proposed by Bernard Murstein: (1) stimulus brings people together (age, looks, sex); (2) value refers to the compatibility of basic values (attitudes and beliefs) ; (3) role has to do with each person's expectations of how the other should fulfill his or her roles (parents).

What men and women both want

Warmth and loyalty, attractiveness and vitality, status and resources

Culture

Beliefs, customs, and traditions of a specific group of people.

Cultural Norms

Templates of acceptable conduct in a social group, guidelines for behavior, language, dress, and demeanor

Material Culture

the art, housing, clothing, sports, dances, foods, and other similar items constructed or created by a group of people

Immaterial Culture

Not tangible and is abstract. For example religion, beliefs and values.

Kama Sutra

Oldest love manual NOT A GUIDE ON SEX AT ALL

- I the goal of the text was to share Hindu concept of "Purusharthas" or main goals of life

- Expressed power in marriage, triggers or desire, and sustaining desire

Caritas Synthesis

Blend of heavenly Eros and Agape love. Charity and loving kindness during this period of love.

Courtly Love

Courtship rituals, sexual love is ideal, had ethics and aesthetic rules

- those rules however is usually only for elite/royals

- Love is intertwined with courtship rituals but NOT EXACTLY MARRIAGE

-> One could not truly love their partner

- Romeo Juliet-esque

Romantic Love in the 19th century

Equality between sexes, similarities, and complimentaries of love.

- Based on religious thinking from God is love transformed into LOVE IS GOD

Victorian Era Love

Industrial Revolution at this time, economy developed, sexuality is TABOO

- Women become progressively devalued because their labor was worthless

- seen as sexual objects instead of creatures

- marry and have children were their only role, very unequal

Present Modern Day Love

Sexual revolution

- Eroticization of female sexuality and double standard

->sexual difference decline between men n females

-females have become more assertive

- LGBTQ+ sub cultures

- Cohabition, premarital sex, porn, sex becomes a major part of love

The self and Love

Hendricks and Hendrick - Link between the concept of the self and romantic love idea that one needs to have a sense of self as a unique identity to experience romantic love for another

- Sense of self intertwined with choice in romance

What's the percentage of marriages that are arranged today?

55%

Forced arrange marriages

Individuals are not consulted, have no say before the marriage

Consensual Arranged Marriage

- Individuals are consulted (can refuse)

- Individuals may meet

Indian Arranged Marriage

90% of all marriages in India are arranged, 1/100 end in divorce

Why would arrange marriages be preferred?

- DOnt want to make choice

- lower expectations

- no time to overthink

Problems with arranged marriages

Apart from parts where they could be kinda "forced" into a arranged marriage due to economic situation

There are no actual significant differences in satisfaction, commitment between those in arranged vs love marriages

Layla, Majnun, and the divine

- "Virgin love," original Romeo + Juliet

- Love transcends physical/sensual contact - "free" from selfish

- A Sufi (Islamic mystical) allegorical narrative, where the lover seeks ultimate union with, as well as annihilation in, the Beloved (i.e. the Divine or the Truth)

- Majnun's life in desert compared to Muslim mystics who rejected earthly pleasures and renounced worldly affinities

Majnun and Layla were in love, Majnun announced his love for Layla he was deemed possessed and mad leading the parents to reject him. Majnun wanders aimlessly and asks Allah to make him more possessed. This allows for Majnun to meet with Layla again but she was married to another man (who eventually dies of heartbreak). Majnun however, refuses physical contact with her and instead realized that perfect love transcends selfish intention, sensual contact, and earthly desires

Herbivore men (Japan)

"Japanese men who are very shy and passive and show no interest in sex and romantic relationships"

60% of male singles in their 20's and 30's self-identify this way

Women express wish for men to take more initiative

Rejection Sensitivity

Hikikomori

A Japanese word literally meaning "pull away," it is the name of an anxiety disorder common among young adults in Japan. Sufferers isolate themselves from the outside world by staying inside their homes for months or even years at a time.

South Korea Love perspective

Decline in love marriage rate decline, work culture demands time, women stay unmarried due to limited options and forced to be a mom basically after