SOC 30 H Lessons 5-6

__% of Americans marry at some point (sometimes more than once)

85

Class Survey Results: “Do you want to get married one day?”

99 students:

Yes = 97%

No = 0%

I’m not sure = 3%

__% of LGBT Americans are married to a same-sex spouse.

9.6

Marriages have become more _________.

stable

The divorce rate has __________ since 2010.

declined

Married people report more…

trust, happiness, income/wealth, health, satisfaction

Today we get married (same sex and different sex) at…

later ages than ever (Men = age 30, Women = 28)

Americans who identify as heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender agree on what 5 things that are very important reasons for getting married?

love, companionship, commitment, legal rights, and financial stability

What do Americans of all sexualities and gender orientations believe are the most important reasons for getting married?

love, companionship, and commitment

Describe the reasons Americans of all sexualities and gender orientations believe are the most important for getting married?

emotional

Describe the reasons Americans of all sexualities and gender orientations believe are less important for getting married?

practical

What do Americans of all sexualities and gender orientations believe are less important reasons for getting married?

legal rights and financial stability

Class Survey Results: What is the most important reason to get married?

Love = 82%, Companionship = 5%, Commitment = 11%, Legal Rights = 2%, Financial Stability = 1%

________ is agreed upon as the #1 reported reason to marry for LGBT & H people, according to national data and Soc 30.

love

All 3 ‘_____________’ dimensions are ranked as more important than the ’_____________’ dimensions for LGBT & H people according to national data and Soc 30.

emotional; practical

Emotion Regulation (def.)

when we make efforts to notice, cool and control our expression of negative emotions so we feel better and can decide if/how to express them without damaging valued relationships

Negative emotions are part of ________ relationships.

all

Regulating our negative emotions helps us to…

• Lower stress and better physical health

• Better mental health and happiness

• More positive relations with others

Best strategy for emotion regulation is…

cognitive reappraisal

Cognitive reappraisal (def.)

is ‘thinking again’ about the upsetting situation and making yourself think differently (neutrally or more positively) about it

What are the 3 steps in cognitive reappraisal?

1. NOTICE that you are having negative or upset thoughts/feelings

2. Start to feel upset? PAUSE (at least 20 minutes to figure it out; do nothing/say nothing until you are clear)

3. Reappraise (make a neutral or positive thought about the situation or topic)

What are the 2 skills for happily ever after?

1. emotion regulation

2. nurture your friendship with your partner

How do we nurture the friendship with our partner?

1. use acceptance-based love

2. ‘turn toward’ partner’s bids for connection (Gottman)

In acceptance-based love we…

• include our partner’s point of view

• see we what we contribute to the relationship

• accept that we have responsibility for our happiness

we remember our partner is a separate person worthy of our respect

What is on the menu of marriage expectations?

1. cooperative marriage (1400s)

2. individualized marriage (1960s)

What are the expectations of a cooperative marriage?

• Permanent (no divorce option)

• Separate gender roles

• Children are expected

• Financial cooperation

• Active in community

• Active with extended family

• Highly valued role/identity

• Adult status

In the early 1900s during the roarin 20s we add…

• Romantic love (prior to that love was not a valid reason to marry)

• Friendship (care about partner and their life)

• Sexual compatibility important (women can benefit!)

• Primary bond/loyalty between spouses

Marriage might be more about couple (relationship) than tasks

What are the positives of cooperative marriage expectations?

1. Real permanence allows investment/sacrifice for the team

2. Expectations are shared between husband and wife; agree on each’s main responsibilities

3. Expectations clear and fairly simple

What are the negatives of cooperative marriage expectations?

Could lack emotional closeness, discussion of problem issues if little communication

What are the expectations of an individualized marriage?

• Permanent (divorce option)

• Individual happiness & fulfillment

• Primary bond/loyalty

• Flexible gender roles

• Communication

• Work on it

• Emotional intimacy

• Support other’s growth

• Friendship

• Sexual compatibility/passion

• Financial security

What are the negatives of individualized marriage expectations?

1. May be competition between individual & marital goals

2. Expectations are challenging and unique to each individual complex

3. Each spouse’s expectations will change over time as spouses change

What are the positives of individualized marriage expectations?

1. Potential for deeper connection, happiness if can meet each person’s unique desires

2. Potentially overlapping knowledge/abilities

What are some examples of Soc 30 students’ cooperative marriage expectations across all genders?

want to give and receive: loyalty, respect, monogamy, honesty, commitment, same religion, financial stability, trustworthiness, love, unconditional love for children, help/service, understanding, financial stability/$ help

What are some examples of Soc 30 students’ cooperative marriage expectations for slightly more male students?

Will give: high earnings, provider, ‘pay for most things’, safety, sacrifice

Want to receive: dinner, a kid, good food, cooking

What are some examples of Soc 30 students’ cooperative marriage expectations for slightly more female students?

Will give: home/family, children, good mom, wife

Want to receive: provider, stable finances, safety, values of family

What are some examples of Soc 30 students’ individualized marriage expectations across all genders?

We want to give and receive: emotional support, communication, encouragement, criticism when I make a mistake, address each other’s wrongdoings but in an understanding way, compassion, focused listening, best friend, space when needed, support even if disagree, good conversation

Spiritual growth together

Sex, attraction, high energy, fun, laughter, excitement, travel, dates, dancing, joy

Shared finances/earning, shared workload, help with tasks

What are some factors behind why one might wait to get married?

• Practical factors: reproductive technology, economy, more accepted life options

• Cultural beliefs/values: changes in ‘place’ of marriage, divorce culture, marriage goals

What reproductive technology has influenced why one might choose to wait to marry?

• pregnancy/birth prevention

• pregnancy/birth help

How has the economy influenced why one might choose to wait to marry?

• want/need to be dual earner

• $ benefits from education

• education goals delay marriage

What more acceptable life options influence why one might choose to wait to marry?

• cohabitation

• remaining alone

• career pursuits

What changes in ‘place’ of marriage have influenced why one might choose to wait to marry?

• less a requirement for ‘adulthood’

• singleness more accepted

• less aware of benefits/value

How has divorce culture influenced why one might choose to wait to marry?

• awareness of divorce risk

• longer search process

How have marriage goals influenced why one might choose to wait to marry?

• deep emotional intimacy, soul mate

• self-fulfillment, self-development

• key goals but takes longer to find

Married people have better…

• physical/mental health

• sex lives

• and more

What is the key to long-lasting marriage?

friendship

Friendship complements…

conflict resolution

In a good marriage, friendship is…

the foundation

In a good marriage, Gottman says that you do not ALWAYS turn towards a bid, but…

most times you will

Marriage is important for the well-being of…

children, adults and society

Marriage is controlled by laws that…

change as society changes

What are some examples of Soc 30 men’s individualized expectations?

good communication, willingness to change/grow, live together before marry, independent, provider/help financially, own hobbies, sexual/sexy, smart, common interests, work, allow separate time, sense of humor

What are some examples of Soc 30 women’s individualized expectations?

Fun, compromise, help with household chores, intimacy, good sex life, humor, communication, compassion, best friends, common interests, learn from each other, be there when I need emotional support/help, supportive of my career, adventure, exciting, romantic

What are some examples of Soc 30 women’s cooperative expectations?

Love, trust, honesty, loyalty, financial support/success, breadwinner, respect, commitment, want children, same religion, be hardworking, faithfulness, ambitious, respects and cares for me, no divorce

What are some examples of Soc 30 men’s cooperative expectations?

Love, trust, respectful, loyalty, sacrificing, honesty, desire for children, similar religion, good cook, accepting/understanding, responsible, attractive, family oriented (in-laws etc)

What is the Love Lab and what do people do there?

The love lab is a laboratory resembling a regular apartment located at the University of Washington in Seattle where couples’ natural behaviors are studied through one-way mirrors, recording cameras, and sensors tracking bodily signals such as signs of stress or relaxation. 

What does it mean when John Gottman and Nan Silver say they can predict whether a couple will divorce or stay together with 91% accuracy? How do they do this?

John Gottman and Nan Silver utilize comprehensive scientific data that they have accumulated over years of study to determine whether or not they believe a couple will divorce or stay together, and over 3 separate studies the predictions had a 91% accuracy.

What do John Gottman and Nan Silver mean by an ‘emotionally intelligent marriage’? Why is this characteristic worthwhile?

John Gottman and Nan Silver describe an ‘emotionally intelligent marriage’ as one where both partners are able to understand their emotions and keep their inevitable negative thoughts about their partner from overwhelming their positive thoughts about them. This teachable skill allows couples to be able to understand, honor, and respect one another, which will increase the overall likelihood of success for the relationship.

The chance of a first marriage ending in divorce over a 40 year period is ___%.

67

Half of all divorces will occur in the first __ years”.

7

Some studies find the divorce rate for second marriages is as much as __% higher than for first-timers.

10

According to Lois Verbrugge and James House, both of the University of Michigan, “an unhappy marriage can increase your chances of getting sick by roughly __% and even shorten your life by an average of __ years”.

35; 4

How does being in an unhappy marriage affect us? How does being in a happy marriage affect us? Why do John Gottman and Nan Silver think this may occur, based on their research?

Being in an unhappy marriage causes one to experience chronic, diffuse physiological arousal (a.k.a. feeling physically and emotionally stressed). This stress impacts the mind and body, and can show up as high blood pressure, heart disease, anxiety, depression, suicidality, violence, psychosis, homicide, and substance abuse. On the contrary, “people who stay married live four years longer than people who don’t”, partially because being in a happy marriage often means being held accountable by a spouse and taken care of, which lowers the frequency of medical maladies and increases health conscientiousness. Based on research conducted by John Gottman and Nan Silver, being in a happy marriage directly benefits and boosts one’s immune system. In a study where the responses of 50 couples in the Love Lab were tested, those who were very satisfied in their marriages, (as opposed to being neutral or unhappy), demonstrated a greater proliferation of white blood cells in their blood samples when exposed to foreign invaders compared to other subjects. Additionally, they found that those who had a greater satisfaction in their marriage also possessed more effective natural killer cells, (cells that destroy body cells that have been damaged or altered [potentially infected or cancerous], and directly limit the growth of tumour cells).

What have John Gottman and Nan Silver learned about how the immune system is affected by being more happily married?

Being more happily married not only keeps you healthier, but it directly boosts your immune system by increasing proliferation of white blood cells and effective natural killer cells in the bloodstream (body).

What have John Gottman and Nan Silver learned about how children are affected by living with parents in very troubled marriages?

John Gottman and Nan Silver have learned that children living in homes with great marital hostility have chronically elevated levels of stress hormones compared to other children. This stress affects their behavior, too, and when followed through age 15, Gottman and Silver discovered that in comparison to their peers, these same children suffered from more truancy, depression, peer rejection, behavioral problems (especially aggression), low achievement at school, and even school failure.

What specific techniques do Dr. Gottman and his colleagues use to study families and especially marriages?

Dr. Gottman and his colleagues use individual interviews, videotapes, and measurements of physiological responses to study families and especially marriages ranging from newlyweds to long-term couples.

What is a common technique for marital therapy and according to John Gottman and Nan Silver, why does it often fail?

“Active listening” is a common technique for marital therapy, but according to John Gottman and Nan Silver it often fails because participants are required to endure criticism of themselves and not feel offended while responding in a calm manner (a.k.a. Performing “Olympic-level emotional gymnastics” when their relationship can barely walk), and most importantly, the authors found that, “successful conflict resolution isn’t what makes marriages succeed.”

Debunk the marriage myth: “neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages”

the key to finding a happy marriage is not having a “normal” personality, but finding someone with whom you mesh; not neuroses themselves, but how they are handled that ruin a marriage

Debunk the marriage myth: “common interests keep you together”

depends entirely on how they interact while in pursuit of those interests

Debunk the marriage myth: “You scratch my back and…”

happy spouses do not keep tabs of unspoken acts of recompensation 

Debunk the marriage myth: “avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage”

couples have different styles of approaching and handling conflict, but the success of the marriage depends on if the style works for both partners

Debunk the marriage myth: “affairs are the root cause of divorce”

it’s the other way around; affairs occur due to ongoing problems in the marriage that cause one or both partners to seek intimate connection (friendship) outside of the marriage

Debunk the marriage myth: “men are not biologically “built” for marriage”

it is not the “nature” of men to have an affair, but the opportunities presented to them in the workplace

Debunk the marriage myth: “men and women are from different planets”

gender differences may contribute to marital problems, but they do not cause them; 70% of both men and women correlate the quality of their relationship with friendship

According to John Gottman and Nan Silver, what DOES make marriage work? Why and how does this thing work to help marriages?

John Gottman and Nan Silver state that the role of friendship, or in other words a mutual respect and enjoyment for one another’s company, is what makes a marriage work. This is because, by knowing someone intimately you can experience “positive sentiment override”, which allows one’s positive thoughts about their spouse and marriage to supersede any of their negative feelings.

What is ‘negative sentiment override’?

every small interaction or instance becomes interpreted more and more negatively

What is a ‘repair attempt’?

any statement or action that prevents negativity from escalating out of control

John Gottman and Nan Silver state, ‘most marital arguments cannot be resolved.’ What does this mean? Do the authors think couples can improve their marriage if they have a lot of conflict? If so, what do they recommend couples do?

This means that the vast majority of marital arguments have a deeper meaning beneath the surface of a seemingly superficial problem, and this usually involves fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. John Gottman and Nan Silver suggest that if couples find that their marriage has been “overrun by conflict”, they need to learn how to live with these differences by honoring and respecting one another instead of rehashing the same neverending conflicts.

What are John Gottman and Nan Silver studying? What is this article about?

John Gottman and Nan Silver are studying the interactions and behaviors of couples, particularly married couples. This article is about what specific factors of couple interaction can lead to divorce.

How does John Gottman predict divorce? What methods does he use exactly?

Gottman predicts divorce by observing the following seeds of truth that suggest emotional separation: 1. what couples actually say to each other (the prevalence of harsh startup, the four horsemen, and the unwillingness to accept influence) 2. the failure of their repair attempts 3. physiological reactions (flooding) 4. pervasive negative thoughts about their marriage.

Which is more important? To not argue at all, or the way people argue?

The way people argue is more important.

Harsh start up (def.)

When a discussion leads off with criticism and/or sarcasm (usually comes in the guise of criticism)

Name “The ‘Four Horsemen’”.

1. criticism

2. contempt

3. defensiveness

4. stonewalling

Horseman #1. Criticism (def.)

adding on negative words about your partner’s character or personality to a complaint; throws blame; common

Horseman #2. Contempt (def.)

the worst of the four horsemen; conveys disgust in the form of sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor; leads to more conflict; fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about partner

Horseman #3. Defensiveness (def.)

a way of blaming your partner and saying that the problem is really them

Horseman #4. Stonewalling (def.)

tuning out or disengaging from conflict by looking away or down and not uttering a sound; act like they couldn’t care less about what their partner is saying, even if they hear it; usually arrives later in a marriage than the three other horsemen because it takes time for negativity to become so overwhelming that stonewalling becomes the “out”

Flooding (def.)

when your spouse’s negativity— whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness— is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you shell-shocked, and feeling so defenseless against this sniper attack that you learn to do anything to avoid a replay; more flooding causes one to become more hypervigilant about spouse’s cues before “blowing up”

What are Gottman and Silver’s findings about gender differences in the communication process? How do they explain them?

In 85% of marriages, the stonewaller is the husband. This is explained by evolution due to natural selection favoring men whose adrenaline kicked in quite readily and who did not calm down so easily were more likely to survive and procreate causing men today to have cardiovascular systems that remain more reactive than females and are slower to recover from stress.

Which gender is able to continue a conflict discussion longer? Why?

Women, because biologically women evolved through natural selection by being able to quickly soothe themselves and calm down to produce more breast milk to yield optimal nutrition for a child, causing women to be less affected physiologically by stress from an argument.

Why do people stonewall? Which gender is more likely to do it? What is Gottman’s explanation for the gender difference?

People stonewall as a protection against feeling flooded. Men are more likely to do it because of their evolution.

Thinking of what you know from class about gender socialization, how would this explain who is more likely to stonewall?

Men are discouraged to display any form of vulnerability, predisposing men to shut down and close off when presented with sensitive emotions.

Be able to identify a main point from the article, ‘How I Predict Divorce’.

Communication styles determine whether a marriage will end in divorce or not.

Biologically, __________ are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict.

men