Miss Andrews Lines (Welcome to Waardem)

Dan: And now, let’s go out with some Shania Twain!

Dan and Doug exit.

Thank goodness summer is over. I am so ready for my new flock of chickadees to spread their wings and fly. It’s hard to believe it’s only my second year at Waardem, I feel like I’ve changed so many lives already. My number one priority is these kids’ growth and happiness, so I’m not going to let the administration or teacher gossip get to me this year, because the children come first.

Schoolbell rings. The fifth graders enter, noisy and loud.

Fifth graders! The bell has already rung! Please take your seats, everybody. Thank you. Breathe in… and out. Welcome to your first day of fifth grade. I’m Miss Andrews, your teacher for this wonderful year we’re about to embark on together. As usual, let’s start off by lifting our voices in “Waardem’s Welcome!”

The fifth graders finish singing and sit down.

Good job my little chickedees! Now, let's go around the room and share our names and what we did over the summer.

Rebecca: ME ME ME! I’m Rebecca, and this summer, I went to church camp and played Dorthy in The Wizard of Oz, and it was so, so, so fun. But not as fun as school. I missed Delilah and Emma so bad. They are my best friends. My favorite class is music class because Miss Madero is also my Choir teacher, and I love learning all about music notes. I also love books—

Thank you, Rebecca. Let's give another friend a turn. Ralph.

All children: DOGTOOTH, DOGTOOTH!

Chickadees…

Emma: …Even though we hadn’t really talked, I was so happy Ryan asked me, and of course, I said yes to Ryan. Nobody else has a real boyfriend yet, so Ryan is kind of a big deal.

Calvin snores loudly.

Excuse me, sweetie, would you like to go next?

Calvin: Uh, yeah, sure. My name is Calvin.

Silence.

…What did you do this summer, Calvin?

Calvin: I don’t know.

Well then, what did you do… yesterday?

Calvin: Yesterday was a weird day because mom and dad were out later than usual, and didn’t warn me or my babysitter, Amanda, about it. They usually arrive at 5:45 pm, but yesterday they arrived at 6:03 pm. Because of this, we had dinner late, and Amanda’s roast chicken wasn’t very good, so I told her that, and she cried. Why are teenagers so sensitive?

I’m sensing some feelings we can talk about at the meditation circle later. Your turn honey.

Delilah: My name is Delilah, my summer was fine. I was nervous you were gonna be a bitch, but you seem pretty cool.

I think we need to reevaluate our classroom language. (Flattered) But thank you, Delilah. Who would like to go next?

The Wilsons enter and pose. The classroom goes silent as everyone stares at them.

Well, you must be—

Rodger: Bye, kiddo.

Madeline and Rodger make a big show of kissing Aimee on the cheek before sauntering off.

It was so nice to meet you! Welcome to fifth grade, I’m Miss Andrews. Class, Aimee will be joining us for the year. Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself, sweetie?

Aimee: Thanks.

Aimee sits across from Farah.

Well, class, now that we all know each other (aside) more than we probably should… (enthusiastically) Let's start learning! Raise your hand if you remember learning about the water cycle last year?

All students raise their hands except for Dogtooth. The Piano Motif plays here.

Today’s water cycle lesson is on aquifers. Can everyone say that?

All children: Aquifers!

Aquifers nourish the souls and spirits of Waardem by providing us with our drinking water. An aquifer is like a giant sponge underground that stores water inside of it.

Rebecca: There’s water under us right now?

Exactly. In the desert, we don’t get much rain, so aquifers are our main source of water for drinking, cooking, root vegetable garden irrigation, and everything else.

Aimee: Can it run out?

Yes, if we use too much or waste it. That’s why aquifers are so important; we have to protect our natural resources and use water carefully.

Farah: So everything depends on it?

Exactly. In a place like Waardem, aquifers are everything.

The bell rings.

Oh, class, it's time for you all to go to art.

All: Vote YES!

The ensemble exits the stage. Farah and Aimee enter and wave. Miss Andrews and the rest of the children enter.

Fifth graders, after being on your best behavior all week long, I thought I would give you guys 30 minutes of free time! Who wants to listen to the Meditation Station?

Silence.

…Who wants to listen to the Double D?

The ensemble repeats “protect our home,” building to a cacophony. A fire alarm sounds. The ensemble snaps back to reality.

Fire drill, everyone!

Delilah: …I know I’m not supposed to, but I think I needed to. I don’t know why I stole the lighter, I don’t know why I started the fire, but I know if I didn’t then—

Alright, my little chickadees! Recess is over!

Rebecca: Or we can ALL have a tummy ache and all get candy together

The girls join hands. It’s super cute. Delilah visibly cheers up.

Chickadees! The bell rang two minutes ago, are we out here gossiping?

Mayor: I got it, Valland. Ma’am, I know your heart is in the right place, sweetheart, but what’s done is done. And we have had dear Miss Andrews from Waardem Elementary sitting in the lobby for damn near two hours. It’s time to call her in and talk about some more pressing matters. (Louder, to Miss Andrews) MISS ANDREWS?

The flop of Miss Andrews’ birkenstocks is heard as she walks in.

Good evening, everyone. Councilpeople. Thank you for taking the time out of your “busy” schedules to speak with me. I’m here to raise a concern about the kids in my fifth grade class. Ever since the Life Blooms Resort has started construction, the children have been… different. Their spiritual energy is completely out of whack! They are having mood swings that don’t even align with the lunar cycle! And I can’t explain it, but I know something is seriously wrong.

Valland: We don’t have time for this.

Excuse me, what I’m trying to say is that your children are in danger! These are cosmic disruptions.

Mayor: Miss Andrews, although we have had many disagreements due to your… unorthodox methods of instructing our youth, I have always been struck by your determination to make real positive change for our community. You have always done what you think is best, nothing more, nothing less. But our town, you see, is evolving, Miss, and we cannot let this spiritual mumbo jumbo distract us from reality, hmm?

It is not “mumbo jumbo.” The children are spiritually possessed by a force of great power, and I know it has something to do with the Wilsons—

Disgruntled Parent: Thanks for coming in tonight, Miss—

No, you’re not listening to me! The children are more connected to the desert than anyone here!

Madeline: Mayor Fairfield! We came to give you your stipend for the road pavement project.

Mayor, you’re accepting bribes?

Rodger: We are forever indebted to your town’s kindness.

But please—