Junie B. in Jingle Bells, Batman Smells! Mr. Scary Lines

JUNIE B. It's not bladdermouth. It's blabbermouth, May. Blabber-mouth is spelled with "b's," not "d's."

Girls, please. Let's not start the day fighting.

MAY. But Mr. Scary, Junie Jones said--

May, what are our rules about tattling? You and I came up with three new rules to control your tattling, remember? Can you tell me what they are please? (May is suddenly mute)

Anyone else want to give May some help?

MAY. Rule number one: Count to twenty before I tattle. Rule number two: If I still feel like tattling count to twenty again.

Yes, May. Excellent. And rule number three?

MAY. Rule number three...if I still feel like tattling after that...go home, eat dinner, go to bed, wake up, eat breakfast, come back to school, raise my hand to tattle, then put my hand over my mouth, and please be quiet.

Perfect! Those are exactly the rules we talked about, aren't they? I'm very proud of you for remembering them! But the next step is to actually follow the rules, okay? And I don't believe you counted to twenty this time, did you?

JUNIE B. I can vouch for that. There was definitely no counting.

And as for you, Miss Jones...this is absolutely the last time I ever want to talk to you about name-calling.

JUNIE B. But I didn't even call her a name, Mr. Scary! All I did was write blabbermouth.

I don't want you to say or hum or write blabbermouth again. Do you understand?

JUNIE B. Yes. What about dumb bunny? Can I call her dumb bunny?

No, absolutely not, Junie B.

SHELDON. Bunny isn't nice? How come bunny isn't nice? I have an aunt named Bunny and she's very, very nice. My aunt Bunny is married to my uncle Vern. Aunt Bunny has a lot of--

(Quickly:) Yes, Sheldon, we know. You've told us some interesting things about her. But right now we don't need to hear any more about your aunt Bunny's- (tattoos)

JUNIE B. (To audience:) Herbert and me have been bestest friends ever since our first day on the bus together. (To HERB:) Remember that, Herbert? Remember how we just clicked?

HERB. Sure, Junie B.

Okay, I need everyone in their seats while I take attendance.

MAY. It's their own fault they're not here today. Right, Mr. Scary?

They're sick, May. That's not really anyone's "fault."

MAY. Still. I'm glad we don't have to get their dirty, nasty germs on us.

Room One, I know that many of you are still worried about what happened to Roger yesterday.

HERB. Whoa! Wait! My mother loves to clean up messes and her birthday is on Sunday. And so that's what I'll get her. I'll get her a tub of that magic powder! What's the name of it, Mr. Scary? Huh? What's it called? What's it called?

"Vomit absorbent." It's called "vomit absorbent."

HERB. Maybe I'll just draw her a picture. (He quietly sits down. Sheldon puts his empty lunch sack on his own head.)

Sheldon, take the bag off your head.

JUNIE B. Whoa is what we say to be supportive.

Looks like we need some advice about how to stay healthy. (Writes V-I-R-U-S on the chalkboard.) Virus. Have any of you every heard the word "virus" before?

LUCILLE. I have, I have! My nana grows viruses all over the place. You should see our house. Sometimes we have fresh viruses in every single room almost!

Ah. I think you mean "irises," Lucille. Irises are very beautiful flowers, aren't they? But "viruses" are tiny little germs that can make people sick. Do you understand the difference?

LUCILLE. I live in a giant expensive house with a huge yard and a fabulous indoor swimming pool!

Class, there's a stomach virus going around school, and I think Roger caught it. I'm afraid it doesn't help to hold your nose. In fact, one of the easiest ways to catch a virus is to touch your nose with germy hands. (All children let go of noses and try to hold their breath.)

And for those of you wearing paper bags on your heads, Sheldon-- There are probably thousands of germs in there with you.

MRS. TOOT. Good morning, Mrs. Scary! This is Mrs. Toot. The music teacher.

We all know who you are, Mrs. Toot.

MRS. TOOT. I have the box of you-know-what for the students.

The box of...

MRS. TOOT. (To the tune of "Jingle Bells":) Hm-hm-hmm, hm-hm-hmm, hm-hm-hm-hm-hmmm!

Oh. Yes. Fine.

MRS. TOOT. I'll be right down with the box of hm-hm-hmm--

Thank you, Mrs. Toot.

JUNIE B. Helpful hint, May; stop tattletaling.

Room One, finish writing in your journals. I need to step outside the classroom door to help Mrs. Toot.

MAY. Mrs. Scary! Mrs. Scary! Junie Jones wrecked my sweater sleeve!

What's going on in here?

JUNIE B. "B"! Junie B. wrecks everything!

What would you like to say to May, Junie B?

JUNIE B. I do not wreck everything. And anyway, this wasn't even my fault! You're the one who started it, May. You're the one who stoled my journal.

Stole, the word is stole, Junie B. Not stoled.

JUNIE B. Okay but now is not actually the time for grammar.

(Firmly:) Junie B.

JUNIE B. But May wouldn't even know about that name if she didn't snoop! Snooping in someone's journal is an invasion of their piracy.

Privacy, it's invasion of privacy, Junie B. Not piracy.

JUNIE B. For the love of Pete! Can't you just let it go? I'm trying to make a point here! // Sorry. Sorry I got mad Mrs. Scary. Sometimes grammar makes my head explode.

I really don't understand your behavior lately, girls. The holidays are the time of year when we try to spread peace and goodwill. But you two are treating each other worse and worse every day.

LUCILLE. My richie nana says fighting is unrefined. And she would know. She's filthy rich. She bought me this dress. It's made of fancy, floaty chiffon, the best that money can buy! And fancy, floaty chiffon is as light as a feather. My daddy says I look just like a princess when I wear this! Who would like me to hop in the air and make it float? Please clap your hands.

Thank you for that, Lucille. That's enough. Lucille--please sit down!

JUNIE B. Yes. Mr. Scary is going to need a backup, I believe. (To audience:) Backup is the grown-up word for the police might need to come, possibly.

Now. I don't care whose fault it is, if you two have another fight today there will be no Holiday Sing-Along. For anyone.

LUCILLE. I'm fine with that. Rich people don't enjoy public Sing-Alongs.

And, you two girls will be parking yourselves in the principal's office for the afternoon.

JUNIE B. (To audience:) I've parked at the principal's office before. There's not a lot of singing that goes on down there.

So what's it going to be, girls? Shake hands and make up, or spend the afternoon at the office?

(Junie B. looks at May; May stares at the floor. Mr. Scary taps his foot.)

Well?

JUNIE B. There. Fine. I shaked with her.

Shook.

JUNIE B. Whatever

Thank you, Junie B.

JUNIE B. Hey, quit it!

Girls! I mean it.

MAY. I was just getting the dust out.

Go. Sit. Down.

JUNIE B. Okay. Here is the honest truth. I am a little bit worried about the Holidy Sing-Along. Holiday shows at school do not bring out the best in me. The last show we did was a Columbus Day play. And that was not my shiniest moment.

Okay, everyone, I have an important announcement to make. We're going to begin choosing parts for our Christopher Columbus play for Parents' Night.

JOSÉ. We don’t call it Columbus Day at our house, Mr. Scary—we call it Indigenous Peoples’ Day

MR. SCARY. Well yes, José, many people have begun using that as an alternative way to look at the holiday.

JUNIE B. What are they digging? Do we get to dig? Where’s the shovel, huh, Mr. Scary? This is going to be fun, right, Mr. Scary!

MR. SCARY. It’s pronounced indigenous, Junie B. There’s no digging. Please sit down.

MR. SCARY. Class, Indigenous Peoples’ Day is a way to remember and celebrate the Native peoples that lived in America before it was called America. Before Christopher Columbus got here. It’s observed on the same day as Columbus Day. We’re going to learn more about the Native Americans, but first we need to choose parts for Parents’ Night.

JUNIE. “B,” Junie B. is being rude. You forgot my “B” again, May!

MR. SCARY. I know we’re all very excited for our Parents’ Night show. But can you think of a more polite way to express your excitement, Junie B.?

JUNIE B. Hop to it please!

Close enough, Since Junie B. and Josie brought in the most facts about Christopher Columbus, we'll start with them. Do you two know what roles you'd like to play?

JUNIE B. Yeah, only wait til you hear this, Mr. Scary. I'm even going to let Josie go first. 'Cause that would be very polite of me, I think.

Yes it would, Junie B. Thank you.

JUNIE B. Ha! I knew it! I knew being polite would work out good this time, on account of I want to be the Pinta! 'Cause the Pinta was the fastest ship, and the Niña was the smallest ship, and the Santa Maria was a big tub. And the fastest ship is the winner ship. And the winner ship is the star ship! (She skips around)

Being the Pinta is fine, Junie B., but you do understand that our ships will not be racing, right? All three of our ships will be arriving together.

JUNIE B. Yeah, only that's not how I actually had it pictured in my head. 'Cause a race will be more exciting, I think. And so maybe I will just arrive a little bit first.

No, Junie B.

JUNIE B. Like by an inch, or a foot...or half an hour, possibly.

(Shakes head.) This play is not about stars or winners. It's about teamwork. You can't arrive before the other ships. Got it?

SHELDON. I don't care. I like the squiggle over the "n." It looks like a little bird.

Okay. What about you, Lucille?

MAY. Never mindo.

I'm sure you will come up with a costume idea fit for a queen, Lucille.

LUCILLE. I will. And my nana can hire her sewing lady to make it!

No. We're all making our costumes in class, Lucille. It's part of the project. We have lots of resources to pull from. Textbooks, biographies, encyclopedias-- (and other resources from the library.)

LUCILLE. She doesn't even have a crown? (Lucille bursts into tears.)

You can make your own crown. Lucille. Can we please calm down? (Retrieves some construction paper and a container of glitter and sets it in front of Lucille)

HERB. Oh, oh, Mr. Scary--can I be the director of the play?

Oh, I have a much more important job for you, HERB.

HERB. What's more important than director? The director gets her own chair.

Stage manager, Herb. As the stage manager, you'll be in charge of the whole production. It will be up to you to make sure everyone has their props and knows when to go onstage. Plus you'll be in charge of the lighting. Nothing happens unless the stage manager says so. What do you think?

HERB. Hmm, I don't know--you didn't mention a chair.

No chair, Herb. But I'll throw in a stopwatch.

HERB. Done!

May? Who would you like to be?

MAY. I know it. But both of our names still start with May. Don't you get it?

Yes, May. We get it. But I'm afraid the Mayflower won't be sailing in our Columbus play.

MAY. It's not fair, all the good roles are already taken! I guess I'll have to be the tubby old Santa Maria.

Excellent choice, May.

JUNIE B. (Tune of "Farmer in the Dell":)

The Pinta got here first!

The Pinta got here first!

Hi-ho the derry-o

The Pinta got here first!

Junie B., that's enough.

MAY. Yeah, Junie Jones. Enough

For the very last time, this is not a race.

MAY. This is not a race. Not, not, not a race.

I'm talking to you too, May.

MAY. Me--? Why?

If you two can't get along I'm sure there are plenty of other students who would like to do your parts.

LUCILLE. Not me. Who wants to be a stinky ship when you can be a rich queen? That doesn't even make sense.

Thank you for pointing that out, Lucille. (To Junie B. and May:) Now. If you're going to be in this play, you need to control yourselves. Do you understand?

MAY. I understand. Do you understand, Junie Jones? Huh? Do you? Do you? Do you?

(Takes May by the shoulder and guide her to a chair away from the others)

JUNIE B. (To audience:) May needs anger management class, I believe (Turns and smiles and waves happily at May; she waves demurely at Mrs. Scary) Hello, how are you today? I am good! I am very, very good! Okay. Nice chatting with you! Please move along.

(Take Junie B. to a chair way downstage. Point to a desk) Not. Another. Word.

JUNIE B. My stomach has flutterflies in it. Does yours, Sheldon? Does your stomach have flutterflies in it?

Okay people, places! It's showtime! (Give thumbs up then signal to Herb to raise curtain)

SHE. I am the Niña, the Niña, the Niña! And um...let's see...what else...

Keep moving, Sheldon!

SHELDON. You're going the wrong way.

(Fierce whisper:) Ships--girls--stop!

MAY. Wait, it's not your turn yet!

Do something, Sheldon! (Runs on stage into S. Falls over)

SHELDON. Help me! Help me!

Ssh! Calm down, it's all right.

SHELDON. It isn't alright--I can't swim!

There's no water, Sheldon. It's a play.

LUCILLE. Off with his head! Let them eat cake!

Wrong country, Lucille.

SHELDON. Ah...ah...ah...choo! Achoo! Achoo!

No, wait-- (Grabs tissue box, leaps over desk, lunge toward Sheldon with extended tissue)

SHELDON. Ha! I beat you again, Mr. Scary. I beat you at that race every time I sneeze!

I have told you this before, Sheldon. We are not racing!

LUCILLE. Okay number one: I don't wear this shade of green. And number two: I don't wear bell hats.

Lucille. That's enough.

STUDENTS/MAY.

Oh what fun it is/Junie Jones sang

to ride/bad bad words

In a one-horse/you should make her

open sleigh!/go away!

One... Horse.../Make... Her... Go...

Open... Sleigh!/A-way!!!

(March both girls downstage) I am very, very disappointed in your behavior today. Both of you.

JUNIE B./MAY. It was her idea!/She started it!

What am I going to do with you two? (Looks at watch) Unfortunately, it's too late to send you to the principal's office.

(ACT2)JUNIE B. Sometimes if you glare hard enough, you can melt people's heads. I saw that on a movie commercial once. It was PG-13, I believe.

Boys and girls, this is the day Room One gets to visit the holiday gift shop in the media center. Today we'll just be looking at the gifts. Then, on Friday, we'll go back with our money and buy the things we want. Does anyone have questions?

LUCILLE. I can spend all the money in the world. It's true, people. My family has more money than you can shake a stick at.

Yes. Well. Fortunately, we don't need to be rich to shop at the gift shop, Lucille. Everything there is very affordable. Does everyone know what "affordable" means?

JOSIE. Sorry amigo, but nobody is cheaper than my parents. They are el cheapo! Every time I ask for something coo, it's "nada dinero, nada dinero." Sometimes I think they're just saying that.

Okay, before we go to the gift shop, we're going to draw names for our Secret Santa gift party. That way you'll be able to look for you Secret Santa gifts while you're down there, too. (picks up basket) Can anyone tell me the most important rule about being a Secret Santa?

ALL STUDENTS. YOU MUST KEEP THE SECRET!

Yes! Excellent! After you pick your name you must keep the name a secret--or you're not really a Secret Santa, are you? (offers basket to Lucille) Go ahead and pick a name Lucille--but first close your eyes.

ALL STUDENTS. All right, it's who I wanted!/ Awesome! / Ooh, goody!

Congratulations, Junie B. You have the honor of choosing the final name!

JUNIE B. Okay, see, one name left is not actually called choosing. One name left is called take it or leave it. I hate being in this seat! I get all the bad stuff back here. Even on the very first day of school, I got the only crayons that were already used!

Yes, Junie B. I know that.

JOSIE. Stubbie. Si. You told us that, too.

Look. Right now, someone in this room is counting on you being their Secrete Santa, Junie B. So you really need to read that name. Now.

JUNIE B. I believe I'll pass on this one.

There's no "passing," Junie B. You take the name and that's that

JUNIE B. But I do not actually care for that name.

You take the name you got and that's that. Please knock off the clunking. Boys and girls, Junie B. needs a little bit of help reading the name. Excuse us. (Ushers Junie B. to private corner of Room One)

JUNIE B. It's not fair, Mrs. Scary. I hate that name! I hate it, I hate it.

You know I don't allow that word in my classroom, Junie B. We do not hate in Room One.

JUNIE B. Really? No kidding. A lot of children will be surprised to hear that.

Look. I know you and May aren't the best of friends. But this is the time of peace and goodwill, remember? And being a Secret Santa to someone you don't like is the truest form of goodwill there is.

JUNIE B. (To audience:) How do teachers come up with this stuff?

Really, Junie B. If you do something nice for May, you'll feel so proud inside. It will feel like a gift that you've given yourself.

JUNIE B. (To audience:) Maybe they pick it up at teacher school.

Can you give it a try, Junie B.? Can you be May's Secret Santa?

JUNIE B. Ho ho no. I mean ho.

There's the Christmas Spirit! (to the other students:) Okay, boys and girls--follow Junie B. to the gift shop!

MAY. IT IS BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE. GIVING IS THE SPIRIT OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON. I AM A GIVER. I GIVE AND I GIVE AND I GIVE AND I GIVE. LISTEN TO ME!

Junie B. Take your hands off your ears, please.

JUNIE B. YEAH ONLY I CAN'T ACTUALLY HEAR YOU! I'VE GOT MY HANDS OVER MY EARS (Mrs. Scary takes hands off ears) Hello, how are you today?

You two aren't having another problem, are you?

JUNIE B. I don't even care for shellfish

(Softly but firmly:) You two may continue browsing, but please, keep your voices-- (down).

JOSIE. What is that thing?

It's called a Squeeze-A-Burp. And it costs five dollars.

HERB. Squeeze the Squeeze-A-Burp again, Mr. Scary!

I think we've had enough burping for one day.

SHELDON. Yeah. Except for my grampa, everyone in my family still burps for free.

That's all for today. Everyone back to class. (Return squeeze-a-burp to table. Junie B. stays behind)Junie B.--? (Congratulate Junie B. cheer and run offstage)

JUNIE B. It's Junie B. Jones. B-B-B-B-B!

(Enter with white paper lunch bags) Class, these sacks are going to hold our Secret Santa gifts. Today each one of you will decorate your own sack. And tomorrow your Secret Santa will put your gift inside. Sound like fun?

MAY. Ha! See that, Junie Jones? See how fast I smiled? Even if you call me names, you still can't ruin my happy mood today.

All right, class. It's time to--

...line up for the gift shop.

JUNIE B. Yay! Yay! I'm first in line, I'm first in line!

Junie B., please settle down.

ALL STUDENTS. Party, all right / Ooh, look--cupcakes! / Marshmallow snowmen! I love those guys! / It's Secret Santa time!

Boys and girls, all of the paper sacks we decorated and signed in class are on this table. When I call your name, you will walk to the table and I'll help you find the right bag for your present, okay? Then you'll secretly drop your Secret Santa gift inside and walk back to your desk. You may write or draw in your journal until it's your turn. And remember...no peeking!

SHELDON. No you don't! But it's not me.

Lucille, why don't you start.

LUCILLE. In case anyone missed seeing my expensive party dress today. My richie nana had it made just for me by a seamstress. Notice that the bodice is crafted of the finest--

Just put it in the bag, Lucille.

JUNIE B. NOTHING. I'm not doing anything, May! I'm just sitting at my seat being perfectly perfect. That's it. End of story. Turn around.

Sheldon, you're next.