Jasper In Deadland Act 2 Scene 2: Agnes

scene two starts, agnes rushes to jasper

Jasper! Jasper! Damn it, we’re in the Wasteland!

singing

Try to stop it.

Fight for your life!

Never lose sight of your life!

Yes, I know what I said, but you fight the forgetting.

Just think of the best things, and forget what’s upsetting,

Let the time pass and somehow we’ll fill up your mind

Like a boat made to float, we can do it,

We’ll remind you of

Agnes, your best friend,

Whom you’ve finally found somehow…

I can’t believe you came.

Jasp, you’re not the same. But…

Now… you… fight.

Jasper: Uhhh- ahhh! Help! Help! I’m with a scary girl!

No! My name is Agnes and you are Jasper!

Jasper: I don’t know Jasper and I don’t know you! You’re confusing me!

I’m Agnes! I’m Agnes. Please say you remember me!

Jasper: Yeah. I think I remember…

Good. Good!

Jasper: I’m… Daryl.

No. Not Daryl.

Jasper: I’m pretty sure I’m Daryl, from Spanish class.

Daryl is an idiot. I mean, you’re not an idiot, Daryl is.

Jasper: But, I’m Daryl.

AH! This is nuts.

Jasper: If you’re Agnes, I think you’re supposed to go out with me because I’m Daryl.

Listen, you are Jasper and I am Agnes… And we have to get out of here.

Beattrix: Ahhh wet myself again. God-for-crappin’-landings always make my bladder blow!

Hello?! This is Beatrix Portinari, Elysium Transit Authority! Car needs some RE-PAIR, Purgatorio’s taken a poop again. Yeah. Yeah… How the hell should I know, I’m somewhere in the friggin’ Wasteland! sees Agnes Ahhh! Stay back!

Wait, we’re not dangerous! You’re Beatrix Portinari! We’ve been looking for you!

Beatrix: Who the frig are yous twos?

I’m Agnes.

Jasper: Daryl.

No, that’s not Daryl. This is Jasper, the “live boy” from the news. Can you help us?

Beatrix: Ah, He’s a “restart.” Tell me somethin’… Why are you two outside the gates?

We were headed to Elysium. He needs to go home… and… I want to go home, too.

Beatrix: Only Pluto can send a dead girl back.

Great! Then I’d like to go see Pluto.

Beatrix: Ain’t that easy! You think you can just waltz right up to Pluto and he’ll just send you back? You know how many times Elvis has tried? What makes you so special?

Well… in the living world, we were… we were…

Beatrix: Oh, I see. You both in love ain’t ya?

We had one night… One incredible night…

Beatrix: It ain’t worth it sweetheart. Can I tell you what we should do? I should take you both back to where you belong… Once I get Ol’ Purgatorio fixed up?

Purgatorio?

Beatrix: My flyin’ car. Yep. I’ll take him on to Elysium and I’ll take you back to the city.

No! I can’t leave him!

Beatrix: What? What? What? Dante? How’d you get here?

How did he get here? How did I get here?

Beatrix: I love when you get angry! My heart is friggin’ yours Dante! It’s all yours! beatrix is still making out with the air

What…?

Jasper: I want some Pasta fagioli

Ms. Portinari…

Beatrix: All right! All right! So, we had one night! What’s the big deal?

Yeah, but he finished the Inferno because of you!

Beatrix: But, I never saw him again. He got his inspiration, finished his book and that was it. Is that what you want, dead girl? To be cast off like some worn out pair of Gucci flip-flops?

The thing is… I loved Dante… He just didn’t love me back.

hits hard

You inspired Dante to finish a great piece of art, and what did I do for Jasper? …I got us stuck in the Underworld. Jasper doesn’t love me. Not the way I love him…

Take him on to Elysium and take me back to the city.

Beatrix: Trust me dead girl, you’re makin’ the right choice.

They’re here! Took em’ long enough.

Dante may have had you’re love, but at least Jasper will always have my heart… literally.

Beatrix: Ha. What’s that mean?

Oh, he needed it to save his life. So I put my heart inside him.

Beatrix: Oh, my god. Your heart? Your actual heart?

Yeah -

Jasper: Half-life.

realizing

That’s great!

Beatrix: AHHH! I’m gettin’ outta here before we all end up in the back of his Ford Focus bein’ boned up against the glass!

Please! You have to take us!

Beatrix: Well, I’m afraid that’s gonna be more of a problem than me parallel parkin’ Purgs in a packed parking lot without peein’ my pants! I’m outta here.

Jasper-

Jasper: Daryl-

Look, I’ll figure out a way to get us to Elysium! Just don’t wish for anything! We have to hurry before the Norse Gods find us.

Jasper: That sounds awesom! I so wish I could hang with some Norse Gods!

realizing

NO! I told you not to wish for anything!

Hel: You will return with us! Now!

Let go! Where are you taking us?!

Hel: Mr. Lethe’s factories.

Mr. Lethe?! Factories?! For what?!

Hel: Punishment.

Punishment?! For what?!