Native Gardens - Virginia Butley

Virginia from Native Gardens - Lines

TANIA: Great actually!

FRANK: Neighbors.

Not friends but friendly.

FRANK: Tania and … Paola are new to the neighborhood.

We welcome them by bringing over wine.

PAOLA: They give us Merlot and dark chocolate.

Chocolate is always… safe.

TANIA: An old home.

PAOLA: A historic neighborhood!

Stately houses and gardens.

TANIA: … And a tree!

PAOLA: A tree.

FRANK: A tree.

A tree.

TANIA: A tree! Oh! I have big plans for this yard!

[& FRANK]: Old neighborhood.

SECOND VIGNETTE: Sitting / settling at the table.

Well, we are so happy to finally have real homeowners living next door. It used to be such a beautiful place until Mr. Whitefield died and then Mrs. Whitefield died and her stupid stepson took over and rented it to a bunch of sloppy Georgetown students… But now. A fresh start. And a baby! We love babies. Maybe we can babysit! Frank’s bringing out the wine glasses. Frank! Bring out some ice tea. For the little pregnant lady!

TANIA: We don’t mean to bother you on a work night.

Nonsense, Frank does his consulting from home now. And I’ve been an engineer at Lockheed Martin so long, I have my own bathroom.

PAOLA: At Lockheed Martin!

Yes, shocking, huh?

PAOLA: Oh no, not at all.

I bet some of your best friends are old female defense contractors. Right?

FRANK: Did you know that all the houses on this street were built in 1908?

PAOLA & TANIA: Really -

As were most of the residence!

I’m joshing. But it is an old neighborhood. Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins across the street were part of the Bush Jr. and Sr. administrations. And Phillip Saxon - in the blue house… the one with the great ornate front yard -

FRANK: - It’s not that great -

I meant great as in big. Frank and Phillip have a gardening rivalry.

FRANK: Very friendly and very neighborly, I assure you.

Every year awards are given by the garden club -

FRANK: Potomac Horticultural Society.

And Frank’s garden always wins… honorable mention!

FRANK: Thank you. But Phillip Saxon has won Best Garden for the last three years.

Maybe not this year. I think you’ve outdone yourself.

TANIA: By Saturday… for an event we are having.

FRANK: Are you serious?

You want to replace the fence this week?

TANIA: Oh, so it’s our fence?

It certainly isn’t ours. Frank sicced the English ivy on it so we would see green instead of chain-link.

FRANK: And I hate losing to Phillip Saxon too!

Frank, calm down. The point of gardening is for you to relieve your chronic stress.

FRANK: It’s not that bad.

Yeah, right.

Anyway, it’s so much better since he discovered he has a green thumb.

FRANK: It started with a bulb. I put it in the ground, and a tulip came out. And I was amazed by what I had done! It was like… childbirth.

Tulips are nothing like childbirth.

FRANK: Everything you see here, I planted with my own hands -

On his knees. Meticulously.

TANIA: Wow. Is it me or does your yard look bigger than our yard?

Bigger? No. More organized, perhaps.

TANIA: You use pesticides?

FRANK: Constantly!

And he constantly weeds. He sees something that’s out of place and he grabs it by the roots and pulls it out. Immediately. It’s a little OCD, but the results are impressive.

TANIA: Oh, thank you, but your gardening might be too… ambitious for me.

She has a lot of work and a little baby on the way.

PAOLA: You mean our oak?

You mean your future disaster!

TANIA: But. We. Love. The Tree.

PAOLA: We do.

Really?

FRANK: And it completely overwhelmed our yard. Just like yours. Those heavy craggy branches up there need to be cut back which is expensive. I suggest just chopping the whole thing down as soon as possible.

How about right now? We have a chainsaw. And an axe!

FRANK: But the tree is why your lawn looks so messy. All the leaves and acorns. Everywhere.

And we get your leaves and acorns. All over our lot.

TANIA: …. We, the Individual Gardeners of America have the opportunity, or dare I say, the responsibility in helping ensure biodiversity in our gardens. We can help save the planet.

My. That’s a patriotic call to action.

TANIA: A lot of plants we think of as weeds are actually native plants and they have a purpose.

Isn’t their purpose to be ugly?

TANIA: That’s a misconception. Native plants can be quite arresting.

FRANK: So, you are going to plant a bunch of weeds-

- So that your yard will attract more bees and bugs?

TANIA: Yes.

[Unison] FRANK: Fascinating.

Crazy.

TANIA: Do you listen to NPR? National Public Radio?

Of course we listen to NPR.

TANIA: NPR has a great segment on Native Gardening. You should listen to it.

Are you all vegitarian?

FRANK: Funny. I was sure I detected a little Spanish accent from you.

That’s why we thought you were Mexican.

TANIA: Maybe you imagined the accent?

Maybe, it’s just that you look so Mexican.

TANIA & PAOLA: That’s what people tell us.

… We love Mexico. Love it.

FRANK: Saw the Pyramid of the Sun in Mexico City.

We saw Warren Beatty at a disco in Acapulco.

FRANK: No one talks about Acapulco anymore.

Mexico now is all Cancún, Cancún!

TANIA: See? I’m New Mexican. From the Southwest. But people think of me as much more foreign than you.

I on the other hand, am Polish-American. I like claiming the old country.

FRANK: Hey! Our marriage was controversial in our day.

A wealthy New England blue blood and a blue-collar Polish girl from Buffalo.

TANIA: Yes. So Paola is the only foreigner here -

PAOLA: Here and at my law firm.

Oh! My poor girl. Are you the token? And don’t let anyone use that term. Because it’s demeaning. I know. For twenty years, I was the only female engineer in my division, I was smarter than many of my colleagues, but because I didn’t have a schlong to go along with my brain, or a really good baseball collection, I was constantly tested, or being asked to get coffee, or -

FRANK: - Interrupted -

… And, Peter, Paul, and Mary - the lady jokes. So many stupid “lady jokes.” But I had the last laugh. I fought to get to where I am now. Are you fighting too?

[Together] PAOLA: Well…um…yes. But.

[Together] TANIA: No, she’s fine.

Be fierce and be fearless, amigo. Do everything you say you will and then, do more. We have to be twice as good to get half as far.

PAOLA: Thank you.

And don’t let those yahoos get you down.

PAOLA: That’s good advice.

More tea?

TANIA: I think I’ve had enough caffeine and sugar for one day, thank you.

You kids today are so cautious. When I was young, while other women were burning bras, I was wearing full support, working overtime. I couldn’t let a thing like childbirth slow me down. Drank coffee all night until my water broke. And our Scott is fine.

FRANK: He’s a little quiet. Shy.

He works at the Library of Congress. He’s a lovely boy.

FRANK: He’s almost forty.

I hope he marries in this garden one day.

PAOLA: Oh my, look at the time, We have kept you out here…and the mosquitoes.

Those darn bugs! And more to come…

TANIA: Spiders will help with the mosquitoes. You’ll see.

We will! Thank you for the wine.

PAOLA: What is that American saying: Good fences make good friends?

Good neighbors. Good fences make good neighbors.

[FIFTH VIGNETTE: Ending when the landscapers exit and the lights shift.]

Frank, you need to calm down.

FRANK: I am calm. I’m just upset.

This is silly. They might see us.

FRANK: … But who rips out hydrangeas? They could have been saved. Those poor plants are being murdered!

It’s not good for you to get so worked up about it.

FRANK: These are living things that were planted with purpose and care. Now look at this. It used to be flags… now it’s -

Stakes! Why are they out so far?

FRANK: Ginny! That’s where the new fence is going to go. They say their property is two feet farther than the old fence.

What? This far? That’s crazy. When did they tell you?

FRANK: While I was clipping the ivy. As a favor to them. I’m taking a picture.

They want to take our land?

FRANK: The dandy Esquire nonchalantly told me that they own this much of our property.

Where did they get that idea?

FRANK: From the documents attached to their mortgage. And then the survey they did…showed the same thing. They have document. Do we?

It’s been decades. God know where ours are.

FRANK: Did you ever think we were taking land that wasn’t ours?

Us? Of course not! What did you say?

FRANK: I told her to “Hold her Tongue and Shut her BIG Mouth” and I shook my fist and told her I’d see her in Court.

Really? You did? To a lawyer?

FRANK: Basically! And then I walked away.

You walked away? Please don’t tell me you rolled over like a circus dog.

FRANK: No - I was vicious. And intimidating.

You cannot cede an inch with this. You hear? An inch becomes a foot becomes a yard.

FRANK: I assure you. Walking away wasn’t a retreat,

Chamberlain looked the other way when it came to Poland. Nothing appeases greed.

FRANK: I’ve been documenting the destruction all evening.

But we need more than photos. We need to find these documents. This is our property!

FRANK: We were so nice to them. And they seemed to like us. What have we done to deserve this?

Nothing but bring them wine and dark chocolate.

FRANK: Exactly. You know how I worked on the flowerbeds. Just to have a fence slam into them. Sever them. Days before the garden judgment. I’ll never win Best Garden. Thanks to them, I may not even be in the running ever. Phillip Saxon will gloat all year.

Frank, don’t get all lathered up about this. Tomorrow, we’ll give those ambitious kids a gentle lesson in maturity. I’ll do the talking. Okay? You get too upset.

FRANK: Fine.

Believe me, I will put a stop to this whole travesty.

[SIXTH VIGNETTE: Ends while TANIA is raking. Walk through middle.]

Good morning. Tania.

TANIA: Good afternoon, Virginia. Frank.

Where’s Paola?

TANIA: Paola is at work. I wanted to apologize for what happened yesterday.

I should say so.

TANIA: We wanted to all talk together…but then we got ahead of ourselves…and we didn’t handle the situation as…adroitly as we should have.

FRANK: Uh-huh.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

TANIA: You have been so gracious and kind. We didn’t mean for this to get tense.

Good. So why don’t we all take a big, deep breath. // And Pause. It would be great if you could give us a chance to find our documents…and study the survey…and let us slowly digest everything. Let Frank go through the competition this Sunday…and then we can revisit the issue.

TANIA: But the fence people are here. I thought you wanted a nice wood fence to help you win? Because I think a fence-

I think a fence is…imperative. But Tania, there needs to be a compromise about when, and maybe where.