Kaliope Lines

Tilly: along with her natural elven agility, athleticism....No pointy eared creature has ever rocked so much lady hotness

I'm in the mood for danger

Agnes: seriously, you guys are supposed to be a team of badasses?

curious. What form of creature is this?

Agnes: cut down on doing what?

Eating the flesh of bad guys.

Agnes: Ew

Why are you dressed so strangely?

Tilly: Elf!

Yes, Noble Paladin Tills

Tilly: Guys stop it…Kaliope is our tracker. if he’s near, she’ll know his location.

The entrance to the cave of Orcas is at the next bend. But unfortunately neither Lilith nor I can accompany you for no magical creatures are allowed into his lair lest they risk being entrapped there forever.

Agnes: I’m a democrat

And what will be your weapon?

Tilly: This is no regular sword

You have to earn a weapon like the one Tillius wields

Lilith: The Eastern Blade of the Dreamwalker

Forged from the fiery nightmares of Gods

Lilith: Blessed by the demons of Bricken

And bestowed upon the one who once banished the Tiamat from New Landia

Agnes: So I can’t have a sword like that one?

NO

Agnes: That’s not what I said

Agnes the Ass-hatted, welcome to our party

Lilith: You’re not serious, love. We’re not actually going to bring Orcus along, correct?

I must agree with Lilith, getting the worst demon in all the underworld to tote along with us does seem less than wise

Tilly: You lost my soul, Orcus, so now you’re going to have to help me get it back

He knows where your soul is?

Tilly: This is Tiamat

She is a five-headed dragon that has laid waste to generations of adventurers and civilizations since the dawn. Each of her heads embodies the five different elemental powers of the chromatic dragons:

earth

fire

water

wind

and lightning

Many adventurers have fought her. All have died. All, except for one…

Agnes: who’s her dad?

The devil

Lilith: Tillius, you know as always you have my blade

And my staff

Orcus: Man!

What about you, Agnes-the Ass-hatted? What say you?

Farrah: Courageous

That would be an apt description

Farrah: So you’re going to-

Fight Tiamat

Farrah: I’m one of the great guardians, dummies

But she is but wee

Chuck: Boss fight number one: Farrah the Faerie versus Team Tillius (fight scene)

Our skills are no match

Lilith: As am I

(enter) Me too

Agnes: Wait the big slacker demon is gay?

As is everyone in New Landia. Well, everyone except for you, Agnes the Ass-hatted

Agnes: Why is that?

Well, maybe it’s because you haven’t met the right girl yet

Agnes: No, that’s not what I meant. I mean, why is everyone here gay?

Because it was the will of the creator

Scene 12

What’s wrong, Agnes the Ass-Hatted? By the droop of your shoulders and your downward gaze, it would indicate you are troubled somehow/

Agnes: Wow. Observant

Was that sarcasm

Agnes: (sarcastically) No

My apologies, Agnes. We Elves may have heightened speed, agility, strength, and attractiveness-

Agnes: and you’re also humble to boot

We’re unfortunately lacking in “emotional awareness”

Agnes: So you’re like a robot

No, we’re Elves. We’re above emotions. That’s a human trait

Agnes: Well, color me envious of you right about now.

What troubles you, Agnes the Ass-hatted?

Agnes: I joined this adventure to get to know my sister, to help her, but I don’t think she needs me at all

Well, I don’t think she needs help from most people. She IS a 20th level Paladin after all. If anything, we travel with her for we often require her help

Agnes: Wow, Elf, you’re really bad at giving advice.

I apologize. Would you like to copulate with me now?

Agnes: What?

Copulate, fornicate, consensual intimate stimulus. I think it would make you feel better. I hear you humans like to do such things

Agnes: Whoa, what are you doing?

(with Chuck) Nothing!

Agnes: Ew, what is that?

Oh, that? That, my dear human friend, is Boss Number Two. Miles the Gelatinous Cube!

Tilly: What? No.

You actually did.

Orcus: So, hold up, that thing isn’t edible?

No.

Tilly: See, and once again, you’re choosing your boyfriend over me

Your boyfriend is a gelatinous cube? Gross

Lilith: it’s a shape-shifter

A doppelgänger to be exact

Agnes: seriously, are you guys not going to help?

(ad lib) I don’t want to step in between a lover's’ fight

Tilly: If you got in trouble, we would have stepped in

Assuredly

Agnes: So what’s the next thing we have to fight?

The next boss is a Beholder

Agnes: Aw, that sounds cute. Like “Beauty is in the eye of…”

(as lib) It is ugis

Agnes: You’ll just be going her in two seconds

prepare to be ushered to your deaths

Agnes: Can we resurrect her?

No. Tilius used that spell to save you

Agnes: But you’re magical, do something

I don’t have that kind of magic

Chuck: Not exactly

What’s up Chuck

Chuck: Hey there, hot stuff!

Who’s this?

Chuck: Tilly’s sister

Oh, hi! Nice to meet you.

Agnes: Uh…hi

What? Do I have something on my shoes?

Agnes: Oh God, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-

It’s okay. I’m used to it (smile)

Agnes: So you play D&D with these guys?

Yeah, well. My brother’s always been into it, but it was actually your kid sister that convinced me give it a shot. I know it’s dorky, right?

Agnes: yeah, I guess

Your sister was awesome, Miss Evans. We loved her. We really miss her.

Orcus: A lover

Anybody

Agnes: He’s, um, not getting back up

He’s not Tiamat

Orcus: Oh no, a dark elf!

A demon queen!

(Agnes raises sword)

(point finger to Tilly) Tiamat

Tilly: But this story remains. And isn’t that essentially all that life is - a collection of stories? This is one of mine…

…and not just some story that I experienced like a party or a dance or an event, but something I dreamt-

Orcus: Strong…

Lilith: Powerful

And magical