Catherine of Aragon - SIX Teen Edition

BUT NOW WE’RE EX-WIVES

Cape Cod, make some NOIIIIISEEE!!!!

SEYMOUR: WE ARE

ALL: SIX

HOWARD: Ooooh Cape Cod we’ve got a whole lot in store for you tonight:

We’ve got riffs to ruffle your ruffs

PARR: Or as we like to call it…HER-story (laughter and pose)

So obviously you know who we are…

SEYMOUR: Really, really old school… BUT we’re not here to have fun

Uh-uh

HOWARD: Cos you see, Cape Cod, The problem is: there’s

ALL: SIX

HOWARD: …of us, and wwe know you’ve all got your favorite

Yes everyone always wants to know ‘who’s the most important wife?’

PARR: We’ve heard it all:

“Who lasted longest was the strongest”

PARR: “The winning contestant was the most protestant… Protestant…

But tonight we’re gonna answer your questions once and for all

HOWARD: The Thomas Cromwell amongst the royal ministers between 1532 and 1540 (Bam bam bam)

But how the purgatory are they gonna choose their leading lady?

CLEVES: The Queen for whom it didn’t really go as planned

ALL: Shall be the one to lead the band. (Bam) So, what do you think, Cape Cod, are you ready to choose your leading lady

ALL: SIX WIVES x4

But there’s only one that you need to hear from tonight. Cape Cod, I’m about to win this competition. NAME gimme a beat!

NO WAY music monologue

THERE’S NO WAY! (applause)

So clearly I had the most to deal with from the King. And I hit that top C so… like dónde está mi crown. Por Favor.

HOWARD: Wait hang on a sec, who was that other one?

I think you’re thinking of me

SEYMOUR: No there was definitely a really important one

Still me.

PARR: She wants another turn?

Over my dead body…

HOWARD: Yeah, weren’t you the one he “truly loved”

Um yeah, didn’t you finally give him the son he so desperatly wanted?

ALL: THE HAUS OF HOLBIEN

The time has come for you to select a bride, your highness

PARR: “Just a German girl, trying to live the English Dream #NoCatholics #BigDowry

Nein? Okay, alles klar

Who’s next?

BOLEYN: Ah! Fantastisch!

Wunderbar!

SEYMOUR: Super kool!

Your highness, your highness, your highness: we are honored to present to you: Anna of Cleves

PARR: And let me assure you, Herr Holbien has certainly done her justice

Ah! Ser Gut! And I think we can say with some certainty you will be happily married for many years to come

CLEVES: So yeah, it was really heartbreaking

Er, that doesn’t sound difficult at all?

BOLEYN: Wow yeah, kinda like how my body had to deal with the loss of its head

Queens, come on now, Can’t you see what’s happening? Comparing your losses isn’t going to change the fact that I’ve already won. I mean- I was literally shipped over from a foreign country not knowing a word of English to marry some random dude

CLEVES: Oh my god same!

Okay fine, but when Henry decided he’d had enough of me, he didn’t even have the decency to say goodbye

BOLEYN: Oh yeah same. Nice neck, by the way

Alright fine. How about this: when my one and only child had a raging fever, Henry wouldn’t even let me, her mother, see her

CLEVES: Lol just kidding, my life’s amazing

OTHERS: Ugh

BOLEYN: Babe, who’s that again?

Oh ummm… I think… she’s the least relevant Catherine?

HOWARD: Haha. Funny.

Yeah speaking of funny, good luck with trying to compete with us, honey.

BOLEYN: …actual trauma and humiliation

Oh pipe down, Anne Bo-loser. You seriously wanna talk about humiliation? Okay well, when I was Queen, Henry had not one. Not two. But three historically confirmed mistresses.

HOWARD: Oooh I’m Catherine Parr I draw the line in arbitrary places blah blah blah

You know what Queens, she just knows she’s not gonna win.

BOLEYN: …My sixth finger.

Put it away, babe

PARR: The point is, the only reason any of these people have come here tonight is because once upon a time

The same guy fell in love with us

HOWARD: But wait… isn’t there a bigger problem here?

The dissolution of the monasteries

HOWARD: And when we’re ‘the six wives’ of Henry VIII, we each become just that:

‘One of’ his wives

SEYMOUR: What a waste of time

Well, guess there’s not much we can do about it now

PARR: …to show everyone how messed up comparing us is

Ugh yeah and then we could’ve found some cool way to like, I don’t know, ‘reclaim our stories’ and like ‘all become the leading ladies’

CLEVES: And you know what- we might just be remembered for being married to the same man

But why does anyone give a SHH who he is?

SEYMOUR: His religious reforms?

Well actually…

ALL: FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES, WE’RE SIX

Alright Queens, shall we do a little histo-rewrite?

PARR: Aragon, you wanna go first?

Me? Wow I guess I could for a change!?!