Puffs: Wayne Hopkins Lines

Narrator: And up until a few weeks ago, this now eleven-year-old boy had only the regular problems of a child in 1991.

Wayne: Aw, man.

(Owl flies overhead and drops a letter)

Wayne: Um...Uncle Dave? A bird flew into our living room and dropped a piece of paper that says I'm a wizard and I need to go to school in England?!

Uncle Dave: ...What kinda bird?

Wayne: An owl, I think?

Professor McG: Um. Granger, Her... Her-mee-oh-nay?

Wayne: Question. Hypothetical. What if I don't have enough of a personality for this magic hat to sort me? Like...how much authority does this hat really have? Never mind. ...This place is crazy huh? I never thought I'd go to school in a castle. Pretty cool. I've never really liked school. People were mean. To me. I'm talking too much. You probably have all your own nervous thoughts going on... Can I tell you something? I think I might be... special? I watch a lot of movies and read a lot of books, and it's like: a normal boy finds out he actually has amazing abilities and is swept away to a new, magical world? Does that sound familiar? Because that is now my ACTUAL life. And THAT kid, through some incredible circumstances always becomes like the most important person. Like in the whole world. A sort of...Chosen One. AHH! Magic is real, and this orphaned boy wizard is ready for seven years of amazing adventures!

Professor McG: Oh. Look. It's...another one. Um...uh. Student?

Wayne: Wayne Hopkins.

Susie Bones: I'm Susie Bones. Once upon a time my entire family was murdered. Except my aunt

Puffs: HI!!

Wayne: I'm Wayne. I've read The Silmarillion, twice.

Megan Jones: Yep. That's right. Just so we're clear. I'm not like you. Any of you. So. Leave me alone.

Wayne: HI!...

Cedric: Whoever wins the most points? They'd be a real hero.

(Cedric looks to Wayne.)

Wayne: Me?

Megan Jones: So, it's official. The next seven years are gonna suck. Can you believe this group of dingbats?

Wayne: I think everyone seems nice.

Megan Jones: Um. Everyone knows my mom worked for...You-Know-Who.

Wayne & Oliver: Who?

Megan Jones: The Dark Lord.

Wayne & Oliver: ...Who?

Megan Jones: Whatever, the guy was a super evil wizard.

Wayne & Oliver: There are evil wizards?!

Megan Jones: Ugh. I'm going to hang out with the Snakes. Where I belong!

Wayne: You can't leave, you might lose points.

Megan Jones: Watch me!

(Megan exits, sound effect denoting loss of points, Wayne turns to Oliver)

Wayne: So. You new to all of this too?

Oliver Rivers: Yep. All of it.

Wayne: You're...not British!

Oliver Rivers: My family just moved to England back in May, so they'd be closer to me when I started at the Mathematical Institute at Oxford this semester.

Wayne: But you're eleven.

Oliver Rivers: Oh, I know. I've sort of been called a "math savant." but that's not important now. Now, I'm just a wizard...beginner level wizard. You don't think ending up here means we're already bad at wizard-ing right? I'm not used to being bad at school.

Wayne: We just need to focus on earning those points and the rest will take care of itself. I mean it's just magic. How hard can it possibly be?

Oliver Rivers: Is there a math class? Please tell me next is math class.

Wayne: We have something called...Herbology?

Professor Sproutty: Class! We're going to look at plants!

Puffs: YAY! PLANTS!

(Puffs and Sproutty exit, Wayne and Oliver hang back)

Wayne: Okay. I will admit with the exception of Herbology, which is awesome, this isn't easy.

Oliver Rivers: Maybe we should just go sit in our room and hide for the next seven years so we don't lose any more points?

Wayne: Come on. It's just the first day. And next we have our first flying lesson. We're right after the Braves who are...going...now?

Blondo Malfoy: Ha! You've just been Malfoy-ed.

(Blondo laughs, Megan enters tries to laugh with him, Blondo exits, Megan exits elsewhere.)

Wayne: Gah! Wizard school is just like regular school!

J. Finch: OOO! It's the Halloween feast! J. Finch approved!

(Wayne enters, tries to say hi to Megan, tries to join group of Puffs, stands by himself, Oliver enters)

Wayne: Oliver! Where have you been?

Oliver Rivers: I can't lose any more points, Wayne. Everyone hates us enough already.

Wayne: Look. It's Halloween! Let's just sit back, relax, and hope nothing bad happens.

Cedric: Everyone, everyone! Clam down. We're safe in our basement. This will be the only time our lives will ever be in danger here. Ever. Now. I'm off to bed.

(Cedric exits)

Puffs: *Ooo bed. * Yeah, bed. * Bed sounds nice!

(Puffs exit, Oliver tries to exit)

Wayne: Oliver! Wait. Megan's not here.

Oliver Rivers: Oh no, does she need to be saved or something?

Wayne: No! What if she's out there losing points?! We have to stop her.

Oliver Rivers: I'm sorry, we?

Wayne: It's up to all of us to protect those points. This is it, Oliver. The points are how he become heroes. Let's go!

Oliver Rivers: No, uh, we were just, uh, trying to find you.

Wayne: To protect you from the troll. And make sure you don't lose any more points.

Megan Jones: These two are going to get what they deserve. Hm. What would my mom do in a situation like this? I think she'd torture you! Prepare to meet your doom!

(Megan raises her wand, Oliver screams.)

Wayne: Wait! Wait! What if instead of torturing us, we all just hung out? Like friends?

A Fat Friar: Yeaaaah! Go for it!

Wayne: Look, we're all kind of the worst people at this school. Why not be the worst together? Megan shouldn't have to be alone just because her mom was evil. And hey, I think it's cool that you hang out with Mr. Friar.

A Fat Friar: Heeey, Mr. Friar. I like it!

Wayne: Right, Oliver?

Megan Jones: You promise this isn't a joke?

Wayne: I promise. Us Puffs have to stick together.

Megan Jones: I'm not a Puff. The hat got it wrong. I'm the most not-Puffiest person you'll ever meet. Got it?

(Megan points her wand at Wayne)

Wayne: Got it.

(Megan points her wand at Oliver)

Oliver Rivers: Got it.

Wayne: Now how about letting us go?

Megan Jones: I dub thee friends. ...Is that how this works? I don't really have...friends.

Oliver Rivers: Sure.

Wayne: Great. Glad. We've settled that, we should probably get out of here? If we're caught, we will lose so many points.

Professor Sproutty: The plants love life lessons. Goodnight!

(Sproutty exits)

Oliver Rivers: *YEAH

Megan Jones: *Hey!

Wayne: *WE DID SOMETHING! I think this is the start of something really great.

(Wayne becomes aware of the mirror behind them.)

Wayne: Whoa! Weird mirror!

Narrator: Yes, a weird mirror with the power to show the greatest desire of the onlooker's heart. One must wonder what these three would see whilst looking in it? Hmmmmmmm...

Wayne: Wow. I'm being handed a medal. I saved all the wizards. I'm a hero. I'm THE hero. I've officially made the Puffs the best, coolest, most important house forever (He gasps.) And I have a lightsaber!

Oliver Rivers: That's weird. Are you sure?

Wayne: I don't want to cut this short, but we should probably get out of here.

Oliver Rivers: Yeah. What do you think this mirror is?

Wayne: Maybe it shows the future? THAT MUST BE OUR FUTURE! We're going to be so cool!

(Wayne enters with his wand out trying to do magic)

Wayne: Lumos. Lumos. Lumos.

Cedric: It's in the way you move your wrist. Like a little circle. Lumos.

(Cedric's wand lights up)

Cedric: ...Wayne, right?

Wayne: Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. Wayne. Um, hi Cedric.

Cedric: We're moving up. I think we're finally going to do it this year. THIRD PLACE!

(Cedric turns to go.)

Wayne: Hey Cedric. ...Third place!

(Cedric gives a thumbs up to Wayne and exits, Wayne jumps for joy)

Wayne: Ahhhhhhhhhh! Cedric thinks I'm cool. I feel like i could do anything right now. LUMOS!

(Spell doesn't work)

Wayne: ...I guess I'll go watch the Sports game.

Oliver Rivers: A chess game?

Megan Jones: Logic?

Wayne: Pure nerve?

J. Finch: Harry tried to kill me!

Wayne: He's going to kill everyone!

(Panic transistion to a fear huddle in the Puff common room)

Puffs: Please be our friend.

Wayne: No question about it. Potter is the Heir of Snakes. Someone has to stop him.

Cedric: We'll get you finching around again in no time.

(Cedric carries J. Finch off as Wayne and Oliver enter, Megan bursts in.)

Wayne: Shhhhh! It got J. Finch. We have to be careful. Who knows what could be lurking around every corner.

Oliver Rivers: This is a lot for twelve-year-olds to handle.

Wayne: The adults aren't helping...so, obviously it must fall to me to find this monster, defeat Potter, and go down in history as the hero of the school.

Oliver Rivers: I don't know if you're qualified for any of that.

Wayne: I'll get that award. Megan, take Oliver to safety. It's definitely coming for him next.

Oliver Rivers: Wayne, if I get petrified, make sure I'm in a dignified position.

(Oliver and Megan exit)

Wayne: Okay. This must be it. The thing I'm supposed to do to make that Magic-Future-Mirror reflection of my awesome future self my actual future. I just gotta kill a monster. I can find it inside myself. My inner... Robocop. My spiritual John McClane. Yeah. "Hey, Monster! Puff on this..." Pew, pew, pew.

(Ginny enters)

Ginny: Oh. I'm...I'm sorry, My fault.

Wayne: No! I was just... Hi. I'm Wayne.

Ginny: Ginny. My name is Ginny. It's very nice to meet you, Wayne.

(Ginny starts to exit)

Wayne: Hey, don't forget your diary.

Ginny: NOOOOO! WHAT WILL IT MAKE ME DO NEXT?!

Wayne: Hey, if it's so bad why don't you just put it somewhere no one will ever find it? Like a toilet or something?

Ginny: A toilet? ...Maybe. Thanks, Wayne.

(Ginny exits)

Wayne: Wow. I am in love. As soon as I become the hero of the school, that girl will want to marry me. This is really my year.

Narrator: The Summer of '93! And our trio was determined to keep in touch the old fashioned way: by writing two copies of the same letter and then sending them by owl across the world.

Wayne: Dear Megan & Oliver. This new movie just came out. It's called Free Willy. It's about a young boy's adventure to free a whale. It was amazing. I can't stop thinking about how adventures come in all shapes and sizes. I know mine is coming. I just have to find my own whale. I have to free my own Willy. -Wayne. P.S. HOW DOES THIS OWL KNOW WHERE TO GO?!

Oliver Rivers: I am telling you guys, The headmaster looks different this year.

Wayne: Oliver, I'm a little more worried about the murderer coming to our school. Megan, what if he's not coming to rescue you...what if he's coming to murder someone?!

Leanne: Guys! Guys! Guys. Come to my slumber party! It's in the Great Hall! On the floor! It's going to be so much fun. But I warn you: I snore! Want to see?

(She falls asleep, she doesn't snore)

Wayne: ...Leanne?

Leanne: Sorry! I was having a dream I was a unicorn, only I didn't have a horn and I was eating hay.

Oliver Rivers: *Sorry, I've got a lot going on.

Wayne: *Ooh, can't, I think.

(Sally enters)

Sally Perks: Hmm. What's this?

Wayne & Oliver: Hi, Sally.

Sally Perks: You boys are having a slumber party? Ooh!

(Sally removes her glasses)

Wayne & Oliver: Hi, Sally.

Sally Perks: Hm. I don't have a sleeping bag. Guess I'll have to share. Hahaha.

Wayne & Oliver: HAHAHAHAHA!

Oliver Rivers: Oh my, my, Sally perks certainly 'perked up' if you know what I...uh...

Wayne & Oliver: I have to go.

Narrator: In their third year, students are allowed to pick electives. Enthralling subjects such as:

(Wayne enters)

Wayne: Divination! The art of seeing the future.

Oliver Rivers: I'd like to stay in this class please!

(Wayne and Megan enter next to Oliver)

Wayne: Wait a second! How is Granger in all three of our classes at the same time?

(beat of silence)

All Three: Magic.

Leanne: ...Worst slumber party ever.

(Wayne and Oliver step over to Megan)

Wayne: Meggaaaan? You alright?

Megan Jones: (long monologue)...The hat puts me in Puffs. I did everything. I mean I even changed my accent just so I wouldn't sound like my Puff family.

Wayne & Oliver: Ohhhhh.

Oliver Rivers: Well, I for one am happy you were not kidnapped by a mass murderer. Or "rescued."

Wayne: And, I'd like to think you've met at least two Puffs who are...kind of okay?

Megan Jones: Ha. Maybe. I guess. Sorry to bring the mood down. Sorry to make things so. Sirius. She's not coming here. Ever. I feel the need to hug. Don't tell anyone.

(Megan hugs Oliver)

Wayne: I'm coming in...

Leanne: Guys?! O doin't know how I got out here?!

Puffs: YEAH!

Wayne: HEY! To the Puffs, and to getting totally butterbuzzed!

(Letters positions again)

Wayne: Dear Megan & Oliver, so um, my Uncle Dave died. It was sudden and weird. weird because I don't think anybody really cared? No one really knew him. I barely even did. In the end he was just some dead...unimportant guy. I don't want that to happen to me. I want o be a part of something big, something important at least once in my life. Weird. -Wayne.

Puffs: Cedric, Cedric, Cedric!

Wayne: Omigosh. This is it! The big thing I've been waiting for! This is our turn in the limelight. This year is all about the Puffs! And no one can take it from us!

( Harry and second headmaster exit)

Puffs: Awww.

Wayne: Never mind that. We have a job to do. We have to make sure the right winner wins. Potter's had his turn. Cedric is our champion!

Puffs: Cedric!!!

(Puffs surround Wayne)

Wayne: Great. Let's go make some badges?

Leanne, J. Finch, & Hannah: Awwww.

( Wayne runs on with a large notebook)

Wayne: Hey, uh, Cedric. I was wondering if you had a minute?

(They exit)

Cedric: Hi, Wayne!

Wayne: Uh, hi/ So. I've been staying up all night, not all night, but all night, and sort of reading up of past tournaments to figure out what sort of creatures they might throw up against you at the First Task.

Cedric: I definitely won't say no to help. Give me a few of them.

Wayne: Okay! So, uh, in 1792 they had to catch cockatrices. What would you do?

Cedric: Hm. I would...use magic! Aviafors!

(Bird appears in Wayne's hand, he scream in surprise and throws it off stage.)

Wayne: You're not wrong. How about an angry Vila?

Cedric: Walk up to her. Gently move a strand of her hair behind her ear. Take her hand. And show her just why they call me Diggory. Then use magic. Cheerio!

Wayne: Awesome!

Cedric: Aviafors!

(Another bird appears in Wayne's hands, he throws it off stage)

Wayne: Oh. ...Awe...some? Ok, um I should also add that I don't completely know a lot of fantastical beasts, or even where one might find them. So, I threw in some crazy things that might exist. Like a Balrog!

(flips to page with Balrog, Cedric is confused)

Wayne: Or, ooh! Beholders. Not real! Darn. Or... ***Mr. Snuffalupagus?

Cedric: Oh. I see. Modern English. Right. Do you mind if I hang on to this?

Wayne: Please. Definitely. Thanks for letting me help you!

Cedric: If I manage to win this thing, I'm telling everyone it was because of your help.

Wayne: I...cool.

Cedric: Thanks! Hey, you should all probably stop wearing those badges. Harry, wait up! I told them to stop wearing the badges!

Wayne: Dragons or on page 256! They eat dogs if that helps?

Professor McG: Who is throwing all of these birds?!

Wayne: I better get a good seat.

Cedric: Igneous Canineitaro

Wayne: Hey! he just turned that rock into a dog! That was from my book! HE READ MY BOOK!! AHHHH!

Oliver Rivers: A school dance? No. Not going.

Wayne: We have to. To support Cedric!

Oliver Rivers: We have to find dates. Who would want to go with us?!

Wayne: Well...I kind of have one person in mind...

Megan Jones: Yeah, come on. What's the worst that could happen?

(Wayne approaches Ginny, Clumsy Longbottom enters)

Wayne: *Ginny...

Megan Jones: Yikes. If it makes you feel any better, the Longbottom kid...he's ugly. And he'll probably stay ugly forever?

Wayne: While true, that doesn't help me find a date to the ball!

Oliver Rivers: How about this? Right now, forget her, forget nerves, and just ask the next person you see.

Wayne: Okay.

Oliver Rivers: It's literally what you just...Wayne?

Wayne: Leanne has anyone asked you to the ball yet?

Leanne: Just my imaginary friend, J. Finch Fletchley. But I said no because... he's imaginary.

(J. Finch enters, contemplates his existence, J. Finch exits)

Wayne: Well, would you like to go with me?

Leanne: Sure! I'll go get readyyyyyy!

(She exits)

Wayne: It's still like a week a-okay. Now you have to ask the first person you see.

J. Finch: J. Finch doesn't exist. J. Finch can go wherever he wants.

(J. Finch exits)

Wayne: All right then. We are people with dates!

Harry: (has a monologue in which he can pick multiple options)

(Cedric enters)

Wayne: HEY! Cedric! Congratulations on the First Task!

Cedric: Thanks, Wayne. Up top!

Wayne: So, you got a date to the ball yet?

Cedric: No. I'm more preoccupied with figuring out this golden egg. I've done everything. I tried opening it...

Wayne: ...Is that it?

Cedric: Yeah. It just screams. Watch.

(Cedric opens the egg and it screams.)

Wayne: Maybe it's a riddle? I used to work through riddle books in the...bathtub.

Cedric: All right. Bathtub it is, Thanks, Real Mr. Moody! See you, Wayne.

Wayne: Cedric! I hear Cho is interested in going to the ball with you. You should ask her.

Cedric: Hm. Sure, why not! Thanks, mate!

(Cedric exits)

Wayne: Ha. Mate. He might have asked her on his own. Eventually. I just helped. ...I helped!

Mr. Bagman (V.O.)On you mark. Get set. GO!

(Splash! Long pause after realization they will be looking at a lake for an hour.)

Wayne: We are just staring at a lake...just looooking at a lake.