Chp 9: Relationship Maintenance

BOOK: pgs. 131-141

PDF: pgs. 141-151

What you need to Know

• Define relationship maintenance

• Meta-communicative

• Social Exchange theory

• Communication Privacy Management Deliberate Confidant, Boundary Turbulence

• Dialectical Tensions (connection versus autonomy, inclusion versus seclusion, certainty versus uncertainty-also known as predictability versus novelty)

• 6 Suggestions for keeping social relationships alive

Relationship Maintenance

• Relationship maintenance - the work that we do to keep a relationship going where both partners are happy.

  • Positivity - communication that is optimistic and upbeat

  • Assurances - when partners communicate their commitment to each other and the relationship

  • Sharing tasks - communication by respecting one another

  • Acceptance - we make our partners feel like we will care for them no matter what

  • Self-disclosure - revealing things about ourselves

  • Social networks - spending time with and getting to know one another’s “circles’ and families

  • Relationship talks - we discuss our relationship with our partners

Social Exchange Theory

• Social Exchange Theory - we evaluate costs and benefits in order to decide worth and future of relationships

• Minimax Principle - we try to maximize benefits, and minimize costs in relationships

• If relationship benefits > costs, continue!

• If relationship benefits < costs, end it

• Relationship worth = rewards - costs

Social Exchange

• Comparison Level (CL)

  • Definition: General expectations for the relationship type

  • If current relationship exceeds the CL, then satisfied

• Comparison Level of Alternatives (CLalt)

  • Definition: Comparison of current relationship with other available alternative relationships (or no relationship)

  • If the current relationships are better than alternatives, stay

Everyday Talk

• Everyday talk is as important, if not more so, than the “bigger” conversations in relationships

• Relationships are made up from and managed through conversations/talking

• Relationships are always in the process of becoming and are not static

• Have you heard about Dannie and Annie’s Story? https://youtu.be/WNfvuJr9164

Communication Privacy Management

• Communication privacy management - the way people manage private matters shared with others. We negotiate how to manage private information within our relationships

• We all have private information

• Info. we believe we have the right to own and share or not share.

CPM - Comm. Privacy Mgmt.

• When we share, we become co-owners of the information

• Often, we are deliberate in sharing information

• We all have private information to share

• Deliberate confidants---those we intentionally share private information

• Boundary linkage-sharing info with others

• Boundary turbulence occurs when information shared is revealed to others

Everyday Talk

• Talk constructs relationships

• Talk can change relationships

• Most of our relationships are made up of everyday talk--key to maintaining relationships

Relational Dialectics

• Relational Dialectics Theory - how we negotiate our relationships over time

• Dialectical Tensions

  • Experience of opposing yet unified needs or desires within a relationship

3 Dialectical Tensions

1. Integration and separation (connection versus autonomy)

2. Stability and change (predictability versus novelty or certainty versus uncertainty)

3. Expression and non-expression (openness vs. closedness -- amount of disclosure)

Managing Tensions

• Spiraling inversion-cycle back and forth from attending to each other’s needs

• Segmentation-talk about some things and not others

• Balance-compromise; partially fulfill a need

• Reaffirmation - acception

Dialogic Communication in On-Going Relationships

• Embrace new experiences

• Keep a happy balance

• Privilege quality and quantity time

• Demonstrate fidelity to the relationship

• Avoid judging or controlling your partner

• Celebrate commonalities and appreciate differences

• Give your partner space

Key Terms

1. Relationship maintenance - the work we do to keep a relationship going and in a condition with which both partners are happy

2. Meta-communicative - communication about communication

3. Social Exchange Theory - a theory suggesting that relationship behavior is regulated by the evaluation of perceived rewards and costs of the interaction by both sides

4. Minimax principle - principle describing the tendency to maximize the benefits and minimize the costs in relationships

5. Comparison level - our general expectations for a certain type of relationship, such as a friendship or romantic relationship

6. Comparison level of alternatives - expectations arising from comparing existing relationships to other possible relationships

7. Communication privacy management - a theory that offers a map of the way people manage private matters that are shared with others

8. Private information - information we believe we have the right to own

9. Deliberate confidant - a person with whom we intentionally share information meant to be kept in confidence

10. Boundary linkage - the practice of sharing private information with another individual

11. Boundary ownership - the rights and responsibilities we ascribe to the person with whom we share private information

12. Boundary permeability - the degree to which a confidant can share private information with others

13. Boundary turbulence - occurs when information we believe is private and shared in confidence is broadcast to other parties

14. Everyday talk - an interaction that includes mundane, ordinary conversations across our daily experience, making up our relationships in addition to the more noticeable, “bigger” moments, such as our first big fight or a marriage ceremony

15. Dialectical tensions - tensions that occur because we simultaneously have several essential yet oppositional needs or desires within our relationships

16. Connection and autonomy - the internal dialectical tension of integration and separation; spending time with a partner and spending time alone

17. Inclusion and seclusion - the external dialectical tension of integration and separation; spending time alone as a couple and spending time as a couple with others

18. Certainty and uncertainty - the internal form of the stability and change dialectic; the desire to count on things to occur and the desire to have novelty in the relationship

19. Openness and closedness - the internal form of the expression and nonexpression dialectic; refers to the degree of disclosure partners have with one another

20. Revelation and concealment - the external form of the expression and nonexpression dialectic; refers to what couples share with the community and what they do not

21. Spiraling inversion - method of managing tensions that takes place when we alternate back and forth between attending to our needs

22. Segmentation - method of managing tensions that takes place when we choose to privilege the parts of the dialectical pair based on different contexts

23. Balance - method of managing tensions that takes place when we try to find a compromise that allows us to partly fill each need while also sacrificing some of each need

24. Integration - method of managing tensions that takes place when you are able to completely fulfill both opposing forces at the same time without sacrificing part of either one

25. Recalibration - method of managing tensions that involves reframing the contradiction so you do not see the two opposing forces as being in contradiction with one another

26. Reaffirmation - method of managing tensions that involves accepting that you cannot reconcile the contradiction and celebrate what the dialectical tension means for the couple’s unity