Parental Rights & Responsibilities – Conflict, Court Perspectives, and Co-Parenting Skills

Parental Rights & Responsibilities (PR&R)

Foundational Ideas

• “Parental rights & responsibilities” (PR&R) = the legal authority to make decisions for a minor child.
• Judges in Maine presume parents will share PR&R unless rebutted.
• Courts can grant or deny rights, but cannot teach parents how to exercise them without stress.
• Litigation is costly—emotionally and financially. A “grade-B compromise” is better than fighting for a supposed “grade-A solution.”
• Courts dislike being constant referees; frequent returns signal failure of the co-parenting system.

Three Tiers of PR&R

• Shared PR&R (default/most common)
  • Both parents expected to collaborate equally on doctors, schools, activities, emergency contacts, etc.
  • Unspoken assumptions (e.g., “Parent A always schedules appointments”) are unsafe; clarify & document agreements.
• Allocated PR&R (middle tier)
  • One parent receives authority over a specific domain when collaboration is impractical or dangerous.
  • Examples:
  • Religious refusal of blood transfusions while child has hemophilia ⇒ medical authority allocated to other parent.
  • Parent is deployed/merchant-marine with long absences ⇒ day-to-day decisions allocated to resident parent.
  • Parent repeatedly sabotages therapy ⇒ mental-health decisions allocated.
  • Not punitive; the court’s goal is uninterrupted care.
• Sole PR&R (rare/last resort)
  • Reserved for situations of capital-“D” Danger (severe physical, emotional, substance-related, or psychiatric risk).
  • Examples: violent behavior, DUI with child, unmanaged psychosis.
  • Attorney anecdote: ~5 cases in 15 years of private practice resulted in sole PR&R.

Court System Realities

• Judges often come from other legal specialties (e.g., contracts, criminal) and can feel overwhelmed by family dynamics.
• Some judges have literally divided Tupperware—a sign they are ill-suited to micro-manage families.
• There is no “family-court police.” Court can order things, but compliance depends on parents.
• Mediation is mandatory in Maine because agreements crafted by parents are likelier to stick.

Best-Interest Statute

• Maine statute lists 19 elements (“best-interest factors”).
• 5 – 6 factors rarely appear because they presuppose severe criminal acts (e.g., child-endangerment convictions).
• Guardians ad litem (GALs) must address every factor in written reports—either substantively or by stating “does not apply.”
• Factors H, I, J (co-operation, communication, dispute-resolution) are especially weighty:
  • Courts favor the parent who shows willingness & flexibility.
  • The parent who stonewalls, ignores e-mails, or says “no” without justification is viewed negatively.
• Weighting is context-specific: What matters for a 16-year-old may differ for a 6-year-old on the autism spectrum.

Psychological & Communication Skills

• Two pillars of healthy co-parenting:
  1. Emotion Regulation
  2. Flexible Thinking
• Children sense conflict—even in utero. Saying “we hide it” is “baloney.”
• Never speak negatively about the other parent within earshot of the child; instead, practice positive attributions to support the child’s identity.
• GAL observation: 90 % of problems trace back to parent behavior, not children.

Example Scenarios & Metaphors

• Blood-transfusion case: court allocates medical decisions to protect life.
• Elevator incident: child on spectrum regressed for 10 days after sensory overload—a lesson on the cost of mis-communication.
• “Tupperware division” story: illustrates courts’ reluctance & inability to solve household minutiae.

Options After the Class

1. DIY Co-Parenting
   • Use class skills; some succeed without more help.
2. Additional Support
   • Free/low-cost mediation (UMaine Augusta program, Karen Groat).
   • Hire a co-parenting coach.
3. Litigate & Let the Judge Decide (least desirable)
   • High relapse into future court battles; enlarges case file; harms children.

Counseling & Self-Reflection

• Individual therapy recommended for each parent.
• Effective therapy challenges you (“What was your part?”) rather than merely validating feelings.
• Homework & mirror work = identify personal contributions to conflict.

Instructor Data & Anecdotes

• Attorney currently handling \approx 38 active cases (GAL, parental representation, some criminal).
• Criminal cases described as “dessert” (straightforward) compared to family matters (serial, forward-planning).

Practical Take-Aways

• Clarify roles: Document who schedules doctors, fills school forms, etc.
• Keep dialogue open: Share new provider info, update emergency contacts.
• Aim for cooperation: Courts reward the parent who tries; punish obstruction.
• Think long-term: Every court trip is evidence something else failed.
• Use positive statements about co-parent in front of children to bolster identity & reduce anxiety.
• Avoid assumptions: What worked pre-separation must be reaffirmed post-separation.
• Seek mediation before litigation: It is cheaper, faster, and child-centric.