Untitled Flashcards Set

Healthy Sexuality in Marriage 

• Sexual wholeness model: Physical, spiritual, emotional 

Basic Terms 

• Sex: Female or male biological, division of the species. One origin of the world is secare or seco meaning division, or half of the race. 

• Gender: the state of being male or female not about biology, rather social ans cultural. Comes from the word genre, meaning type, or sort, or class of a thing.  

• Sexual intercourse: Sexual contact between individuals involving penetration, especially the insertion of a man’s erect penis into a woman’s vagina, typically culminating in orgasm and the ejaculation of semen. Synonyms, coitus, copulation, “to come,” consummation. PVI: Penial Vaginal Intercource  

• Genitals: External organs of reproduction-which are the penis and testicals of men and the labia and clitoris of women (the vulva), comes from the word “to begat”   

• Missionary Position: a sex position in which a woman lies on her back and a man lies on top of her while they face each other and engage in sexual intercourse or other sexual activity 

• Orgasm: the climax of sexual excitement typically accompanied by involuntary rhythmic contractions in both sexes and ejaculation in men. Synonym is “climax”  

• Circumcision: the removal of the foreskin of the male penis, originated as a religious ritual for israel. Now about ⅓ of males in the world are circumcised 

• Unlike circumcision for males which is generally has slight positive health, religious, and sexuality effects, but no known negative effects except the initial pain, circumcision for females is not connected  to religious rituals and it consists of mutilation or removing the genitals of females to reduce sexual enjoyment control of female sexuality 

• Puberty: the period during which adolescents reach sexual maturity and become capable of reproduction 

• Menstruation: the process in woman of discharging blood and other materials from the lining of the uterus at intervals of about one lunar month from puberty until menopause, except during pregnancy and sometimes lactation 

• Nocturnal emissions: the involuntary ejaculation of semen during sleep. Often called “wet dreams.” This may occur weekly or a few times a month depending on other sexual activities such as intercorse or masturbation 

• Sexual desire: the internal feeling of wanting to be sexual “libido”

  • Many people don’t feel much desire until they are sexual 

  • Closely tied to hormonal systems and age and your experiences with sexuality that may have given you a sense of interest and excitement or fear and anxiety

  • Number one cause for low in women is poor sexual start up  

• Sexual arousal: the process by which the body changes to become ready for sexual intercourse and orgasm 

Why do parents not tell their children about it? 

• They think they will encourage it 

• They think its sinful 

• They were never told about it

Metaphors for sex to teach 

• Fear based (crumpled up flower) 

  • Cannot decouple fear from sexuality when you do have sex 

• Abstinence based (chewed up piece of gum, dollar, cupcake, finish line) 

  • Not objectively trying to scare you to death but trying to keep your from doing it 

This is should have happened as you grow up: This is what we should do

What are the Goals for sex education in the home? 

• Teach each child to appreciate and love all aspects of their bodies as a beautiful gift from God

• Teach them to have awe and wonder about the body’s ability to reproduce and become bonded to a partner 

• Teach them the proper words to use for all body parts and aspects of sexuality 

• Teach them to recognize the pleasurable and arousing feelings that come with sexuality and learn to bridle them through spiritual awareness and discipline

• Encourage them to ask any questions they have about bodies and sexuality 

Guiding Principles 

• Above all avoid attaching fear and anxiety to sexuality 

• Engage their curiosity not fear: 

  • This is a great question…I’m glad you are curious about bodies 

  • Ask them questions :How are mommy’s and daddy’s bodies different? How sis you feel when you saw that lady with very little clothes on? How come you covered your face when the couple kissed 

• Early and Often: Don’t worry about how old they should be before you talk about sex. Talking about sex should be as frequent as talks about friends, hobbies, toys, ect

• Attend to the unique personality if each child 

• Puberty is something to celebrate and enjoy and look forward to, not be ashamed of

• Focus on the Do’s rather than the don’t. You can turn any don’t into a do if you are creative. Try it… Positive to negative discussions should be 5:1 

• Try to avoid, unless your child brings this up, talking about body safety, pornogrpahy, and internet safety at the same time you discuss healthy sexuality. Annually have a special FHE on “Body safety or Safe touch, Internet safety and Pornography, ect.”    

Sexual Sanctity Begins in the home 

Reading #3 Parent-Child Sex Communication

• Bidirectional comminication between parents and thor children about sex-relatd issues including sex, sexuality, and sexual helath outcomes.

• Parental warnings and discussions about sex were associated with consom use, decreased unprotected sex, and increased protection from HIVs and other STIs 

• More explicit maternal conversations about consoms were associated with daughter;s detiled and accurate explanations of contraceptive knowledge and more discussion of condom use werw associated with more portected sex acts in assition to greater self-efficacy in discussing sed with parents 

• Sex communication with mothers was associated with more conservative adolescents attitudes towards sex and less percived difficulty talking to patterns aboutsexual topics

• Parents talking about sex with youth does not lead to sexual debt in fact they are less likely to be sexually active 

• When given instruction to wait until marriage were not as sexually active 

• Fathers who provided information about how to resist pressure increased girls’s abilities to avoid being forced into sex 

• Mothers who are comfortable abd responsive during sex communication were predictive of adolescent lesser likelihood of being sexually active, being abstinent and being older at first intercourse 

• Most discussions occur between mothers and daughters and fathers and sons, mothers were more prominent in child sexual communication, in some studies sons reported hearing equally from both 

• Parents were found to emphasize general communication about sex rather than specific topics 

• Negative tone discouraged and positive tone encouraged communication between children and parents 

• Grandparents unfamiliarity with lingo often made their communication ineffective 

Sex and Salvation: 

Fragmentation: when part of us is broken away from the whole, when we don’t act in a way that honors all elements of our soul

• What creates fragmentation 

  • Internal threats 

    • Distorted views either/ or thinking 

    • I can be sexual or spiritual 

    • These can come from doctrinal distortions

    • Poor self-regulation: I struggle to control my impulses so those impulses must be evil 

    • Anxiety: the tension that is required to balance physical need and spiritual need is too challenging si we focus on one need  

  • External threats 

    • Ehibitionism: to disclose personal details for the purpose of gain or exhibit our private physical self to others before we could realistically trust them

      • Ie Reality TV, explicit Movies like nudity scenes  

    • Voyeurism: To watch, read, or listen to the personal disclosures of exhibitions of the physical self of others as a form of entertainment or a substitution for legitimate intimacy

      • Don’t be the person in the corner of the room of the couple 

      • Reduces our ability to understand pacing : when to share what with whom 

      • Negatively influences body image-especially of women 

      • Primary focus on physical aspects of sex: you ar not just an animal, you have a frontal cortex

    • External Beliefs: 

      • Seuxal Chemistry: There is some type of ethereal physical/sexual connection that either exists or it doesn’t

      • Sexual Compatibility:  is the idea that sexual interaction is essential during couple formation bc it allows partners to assess their compatibility     

Spirit-only fragmentation: prioritizes the spirit over the body, and views sexual desires as a mortal weakness to overcome in the quest for spiritual progression

• Creates the negative view that sex is immoral 

• Associated with “good girl syndrome” the idea that “good girls” shouldn’t have sexual feelings 

Body-only Fragmentation: occurs when the physical sensations of sexual response are disconnected from spiritual meanings, emotional bonding, and relationship patterns 

• True sexual fulfillment in our individual lives and in our marriages is only found by discovering ways to stimulate our bodies so that we can experince desired levels of sexual arousal and sensation 

Reading #5: Compatibility or Restraint? The Effects of Sexual Timing on Marriage Relationships

• Sexual compatibility is the idea that sexual interaction is essential during couple formation bc it allows partners to assess their compatibility 

• Sexual restraint holds that sexual involvement during couple formation process, particular in the early stages may be detrimental to overall relationship development and the idea of sex proceeds commitment vs commitment proceeds sex 

• The longer a couple waited to become sexually involved the better their sexual quality, relationship communication, relationship satisfaction, and perceived relationship stability was in marriage even when controlling for number of sexual partners, education, religiosity, and relationship length 

• The idea of sliding through relationship milestones was also introduced as a possible cause. Without clear dialog on what he relationship milestones mean they have less pro-relation behavior (ie moving in with partner without discussing what that means to the relationship) 

Becoming Disciplined 

• After decades of teaching sex education to millions of youth from an abstinence perspective we have discovered teh following: 

  • It does not work in isolation 

  • Kids do not usually restrain their sexual impulses because they are told it is bad for them to engage in sex 

  • Kids do not usually initiate sexual activity bc they learn about them 

• From the small subset who do retrain what is their reason 

  • Clear connection to God and Parents

  • Learned benefits of delaying gratification 

  • Significant Negative Repercussions 

  • Lack of opportunity 

  • Lack of Confidence, high anxiety  

Chapter 4: A model of Sexual Wholeness 

• True intimacy can be experienced only when spouses interact with each other in ways that meet each other’s personal needs.

The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of '”great sex'

• Majority of sex research today focuses on dysfunction instead of optimal

• Results found major components of great sex 

  • Being present, focused and embodied: Being fully and completely [resent during sexual experiences  

  • Connection, alignment, merger, being in synch: A strong connection with one’s sexual partner, depth of the connection between partners 

  • Deep sexual and erotic intimacy 

  • Extraordinary communication heightened empathy 

  • Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency 

  • Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing 

  • Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun

  • Vulnerability and surrender 

• Minor Components 

  • Intense physical sensation and orgasm 

  • Lust, desire, chemistry, attraction

• Uniqueness of each individual's sexuality 

Good early activities: Let’s practice drawing bodies to learn how great they are… 

• Draw an 8 year old boy and girl without clothes Front view next to each other and then draw and adult male and female

As children reach prepuberty, around 8 or 9, it is time to start discussing and seeing more details of the reproductive system

How much parents talk about sex 

The most common thing is menstruation (51%)

If you are high religiosity you are also more likely to talk about pronography (31%) 

Also 39% talk about STIs 

Important points from reading 

• Everyone wants to discuss sexuality with their children better than their parents did, but most do no

  • Something about sex always engenders a little discomfort. What is the source of this discomfort? Once months and years pass without talking about sex it is hard to ever bring it up 

  • Good ideas for our family: 

    • Two FHEs a year that are formally about sexuality, reproduction, ect 

    • Hold regular fast sunday discussions with each child and ask very specific questions 

    • Always discuss aspects and attitudes about sexuality that are part of media viewed during the week, then spontaneous talks about sex will occur where the real growth happens 

You are more complex than it seems 

• Life is the embodiment of the love of two beings into a new organism 

• Each “individual” includes aspects of at least five beings 

The Need to Belong 

• Since you are a relationship you will return to relationships again and again 

• This need to belong is one of the three primary embodied 

• Amae: japanese word describes the innate need and desire within wach person to depend on and feel connected to others people, especially in relationships of love and intimacy

The Need to be Unique 

• Foundations for all types of growth 

• Pushes us to master taks 

• Develop talents 

• Express ourselves artistically 

• Be fully ourselves sexually 

• Endure and overcome difficulties 

• Agency 

The test 

• Belonging and Becoming create a dynamic tension

  • The “test” is whether we can achieve both in balance 

Intimacy: Brings together Belonging and Becoming 

Authentic belonging occurs when spouses feel loved and cherished—without reservation—for who they truly are. Being known and still loved. When we know and are known—and still are accepted, spouses can then feel that both their need to belong and their need to become are being simultaneously met

• In the bible sexual intercourse was denoted as to know 

Either/ Or Thinking 

• Love or Freedom 

• Instead love is Freedom

Illustrations of Both/And Views of Needs 

• The balance of one person wants sex way mor ethan another 

• This differnce gives you a fabulous opportunity to figure out how to balance the need to belong and the need to become 

• Your relationship gives you the opportunity to be sexual, to belong, but it also presnets you with the opportunity of expressing your views and preferences that are different from your partner’s

Optimal Sexuality

• Requires that we focus on both the need to belong and the need to become often at the same time 

• The main elements of optimal sexuality 

  • Being presebt and focused physically 

  • High authenticity and transparency 

  • Risk taking, vulnerability, abd fun

  • Embedded in a quality relationship 

  • Extraordinary communication and empathy 

  • Being in Sycnch with Each other 

  • Resulting in Transformation, Peace, and Healing

The third leg of the stool: Autonomy 

• You cannot belog to others ir become your best self unless you are in an environment that allows for autonomy. Otherwise you are becoming what someone else wants you to become 

• What is autonomy: the state of being self-determines or self-governed 

  • In the area of sexuality, it means taking responsibility ofr your sexual well-being 

Consent 

• Consent in the evidence that autonomy exists in a sexual relationship 

  • It means you are clearly expressing your sexual needs 

  • It means you are giving permission to each other to do the sexual things that you do 

  • How do we know we have permission to be sexual with our partner 

  •    

Maintaining or Resurrecting Eroticism 

Love concepts 

• Eros

  • Consuming appetitive 

  • Competitive 

  • Crystallization-neurological reward system 

  • Chromosomal- gnenetic, biological sed 

  • Passionate or romantic love 

  • Testosterone and estrongendriven 

  • physiological/ Becoming 

  • Bifurcated sexual oreintation 

  • Solitary sexuality 

  • infatuation/ attraction 

  • Not necessarily mutual 

  • Strongest in the first 18 months of a relationship 

• Philia 

  • connective-belong/ attachment 

  • Communicative 

  • Companionate-frinedship 

  • Contextual, cultural-gender 

  • Oxytocin system-sexual arousal, synchrony 

  • Fluid sexual oreintation 

  • Relational sexuality 

  • Mutual 

• Agape 

  • Charity 

  • Compassion 

  • consideration/ consent 

  • Commitment/ covenant 

  • Divine-unlimited but not unconditional 

  • Cortisol system-peace, awe, wonder, anxiety 

  • discipline/ Ethical 

  • Sanctified sexuality 

  • Sexual identity

• How do these types of love work in relationships developmentally

• Typically Eros is the beginning, followed by philia, but not always. Charity is for the long-term

  • Individual variation: are you a person who likes stability and safety mor ethan excitement and passion

  • Are you an individual wbo has killed your eroticism before marriage 

  • How many variety do you like 

  • How old are you? How hormonal? 

Key concept: marriages that last ans stay sexually satisfying make a centrak shift whithin the first 10 years from omne where sex is primarily driven by erotic love to one that is drive by philial love  

• This is difficult if there was a very weak friendship to begin with, meaning it was almost all about attraction and the physical drive 

• Filial love can stimulate desire and arousal too

How do we maintain or resurrect eroticism 

• First: determine what has killed or dampened Sexual interest or involvment 

  • Attitudes

  • Neglect 

  • Poor relationship effort in other areas 

  • Leeches: Children will suck the life out of you

  • Boredom and Monotony: Because you aren’t being authentic or bc you are just being lazy 

  • Not sharing preferences or needs-low autonomy 

  • Hormones/ other physical changes 

  • This is supposed ti be the fun part of marriage  

• Second: truly decide that your marriage is your FIRST priority 

  • Sex is usually the first thing to go, its the Barometer os whether your marriage is first in your life 

  • healthy , fun, creative sex should be as important as children, prayer, and scripture study 

There are al least three main ingredients needed to develop and maintain sexual spark 

• Authenticity: sharing our private thoughts and desires:

  • Self discovery 

  • Genuine discloser 

• Creativity 

• Intensity 

The Physical Dimension and Response Cycles 

The most important physical sexual organ in the body is the brain 

• Ti have the proper attitudes and give the appropriate attention toward sexuality

• One of the first attitudes that has to be nurtured to facilitate healthy sexual functioning is the proper body image. THis begins with understanding the body 

Body image 

• Puberty is the time that provides the changes needed to make the body be able enjoy sexuality and reproduce 

• Puberty is usually the time when people start the “war with their bodies” 

• Timing of puberty is one of the central causes of body image issues 

  • Metabolism slows down, so percentage of body fat naturally increases 

  • Timing of puberty is highly variable so if you are early or late the negative peer attention can be very intense 

  • Insecrutities of adolescents are strong, they often try ti escape this by making fun of others 

  • Families are often the primary source of body image problems: 

    • Parents can be the most effective support systems for healthy body image 

    • However they are often a primary source of body image problems in a  family 

    • How they model dies and exercise 

    • How thye comment about their and other’s bodies

    • How they let siblings tease each  other about their bodies

• Adolescence is when kids really tune into media and care what is populare   

How we view our bodies    

The Sexualization–Objectification Link: Sexualization Affects the Way People See and Feel Toward Others

• Objectification theory proposes that sexualization in mass media is a main source of objectivicatio of worm 

• Objectification is to appraise a person as bodies and sexual body parts and behave toward them as if they were objects  

I wish my boobs were less saggy and that my nibbles didn’t go to the side 

I wish my legs were skinner and more toned both my thighs and calves 

I wish my stomach was more flat and I had a smaller waist       

Effects of body image in sexuality 

• Why do those who are more self-conscious about their bodies have a significantly harder time enjoying a healthy sexual relationship 

  • More about hiding and less about creativity 

  • Can’t let go physically and emotionally so orgasms are elusive 

  • Less capable love bc their anxiety about themselves keep them from relaxing and focusing on pleasing their partners 

  • They are ironically, more likely to be judgmental of their partner’s bodies

  • Because of their excessive focis on outward appearance, they are terrified of aging 

Body Image 

• What would have to change inside of you to love and appreciate the body parts if they stay exactly like they are for the rest of your life or biome even less ideal 

• We must acknowledge that a central reason most of us struggle with sexualtity is bc we have been taught to criticize our bodies 

• Listen to the spirit to find those deeper messages about how astonishing a gift your body is, or sexuality will be needlessly complicated 

• The atonement of Christ is about healing, let him help you heal you injuries to your body image 

• As you stop hating or being ashamed of your body you are ready to learn to appreciate and celebrate all your body can do with your spouse

• How good ou are, how you act towards others, is far more important than how good you look as you compare yourself to unrealistic ideals 

• Yet, how you treat your body is an important measure of how you feel about your soul. Those who understand this principle treat their bodies with respect and great care like the temple they are. They can “run and not be weary” 

The physical Dimension 

• Sexuality is the most physically completed and beautiful experience we can have with our bodies, but we know almost nothing about the different muscles, organs, ect. That is involved nor how nutrition, psychology, hormones, or practice can influence performance. We are like a person who thinks they can show up to a dance performance and do well with virtually no prep, forethought or knowledge about dance

Some amazing facts about the clitoris 

• Fifit to 75 percent of women who have orgams need to have their clitoris directly touched, most women cannot have an orgasm through most kinds of intercourse alone

• Although the visible end of clitoris is quite small, the entire structure is about 4 inches in length, about the size of non-erect penis 

• The clitoris gros throug a woman’s life and after menopause it can be 2.5 times larger than it was as a teenerger. Not clear if there is any relationship between size and pleasure- probably not 

• The clitoris actually has about 8,000 sensetive berve endings, about double that of the l=glans of the penis 

• “Clotoris is grom greek word key 

• Orgams for woman can involve  from 3-16 contractions which can include much of the vulva region, vagina, and pelvis and last much longer than the typical male orgas, and of course women are capable of multiple orgams 

• For men the nerves that enhance arousal in the pelvic are region are primarily in the penid; for women, there are typically three key areas that have sufficient nerve endings to enhance arousal; clitoris, labias and entrance to the vagina, and perineum 

• Throughout history sexuality has been largely driven by male needs and preferences; it wasn’t that long ago that men purchased their life.

  • Women were seen as an object in a patriarchy

  • There was an absence of forplay, mostly genital, sexual positions-man on top or rear entry, duration of foreplay, and duration of the sexual experinces 

  • Most sexual exerpinces are briefier, less fullfilling, less meaningful, and less likely to create the better bonding and relationship strengthening that would occur if we allowed women’s needs and preferences to be included  

• The fact that male biases have been dominant and the fact that female anatomy is more “hidden” has created a tremendous degree of ignorance and loss in regard to sexual education 

Peragine article on sexual debut 

• Women with orgasm at debut where much less likely to experience lower sexual desire than men across time 

  • In a virginal marriage, this does not mean orgasm during the first sexual encounter, it means during the first weeks or months of marriage. THis is the blessing of virginity and marriage, a safe place to figure it out

  • Sexual debut lacking in orgasm is relatively common bc couples do no know and utilize the needs of women. Men will be having an orgasm almost 100% of the time 

  • In the typical sexual debut for non-lds people it is a rushed, figurative event between teenagers that have no clue what they are doing. In these experiences men are twice as likely to be satisfied and 8 times as likely to experience orgams 

  • There is little cross over in the ability to have orgams during solitary sexual activities and orgasm or satisfaction during couples activities 

• Men in their 20s produce about 290 million sperm in a day. Sperm can live in the testicals forabout 75 days. Men in their 50s produce about half as much as men in their 20s. A man produces about 500 billion sperm in a lifetime 

• Sperm are the smallest human cell and can live about 5 days once ejaculated, although about half or more die in the first few minuets of ebing ejaculted. In contrast an ovum once released lives 12-24 hours. About 40-200 million sperm are ejaculated per ml during orgasm and most men ejaculate between 2-5 mls (about a teaspoon), meaning there are typically between 120 and 600 million sperm per ejaculation! A sperm count below 15 million per ml means the couple will need help conceiving 

• The seminal vesicles produce about 70 percent of the fluid during ejaculation with the prostate adding the toher 30 percept. THey typical amount of fluid is about 1 teaspoon. The fluid feeds the sperm, protects ir, and helps it swim faster so the changes of fertilization 

• The cowper’s gland produces “preejaculation” and it typically contains a dew live sperm; the refractory period for a male is typically around 15-20 minutes in younger men and may be 12 hours or more in older men. It is highly variable as the brain get involved

The physical dimension-hormones 

• Two basic purposes of sex

  • Reproduction and bonding 

• Primary hormones match those purposes

  • testosterone/ estrogen-sex drive, sexual becoming 

• However they are interrelated of have an interaction effect 

• Typically males have from 10-100 times as much testosterone as their partners, on average about 20 times more than their partner 

• Tesstosterone is highers in males during 20s and shows a slow and steady decreases in males from about 30 onward 

• Females have decreasing levels of testosterone with age but their sensitivity to small variations in testosterone is more important than the quantity of testosterone 

• Usually menopause results in less testosterone but sometimes with the reduction in the estrogen/ progesterone cycle there is a higher percentage of testosterone in the female body

Sexual and relational bonding 

• Women have more oxytocin but not a lot more 

• Female hormonal system is more receptive and better designed to respond to oxytocin 

  • Orgasms react more to oxytocin 

• Unfortunatley most couples start off with the naive view that sexual desire is foing to be equal or close to equal 

  • This is particularly true of couples who enter marriage with little or no sexual experinces bc the LDS partner who is not being sexual but who is cuddling, hugging, ect. Is experiencing very high levels of the bonding hormone of oxytocin and some increases in testosterone which stimulates their sexual drive ti be unusually high so both partners think the LDS partner is going to want sex after marriage as much as they did before they had sex 

• The math of wanting both partens to regualry initiate sexuallity does not make antsy sense how can someone who wants sex signigicanty more than their partner (HDA) really expecte their parner ti ever want to initiate sex or express desire on therir own unless 

• The irrational expectation creates serious problems in the relationship that often endure for most if not the entire life of the marriage 

  • Punishing each other for their natural physical differences 

  • Botb people feel dissatisfies with their partner and themselves 

  • Sex becomes an issue of conflict/ ppower rather than connection

• Many couples beehive sharing detail of their lives be=ing close physically in nonarousing way, doing share enjoyable activities, doing shared task such as cooking and cleaning together, are goung to be as desirable for the HDS partner after marriage as they were before 

  • This is particular true of couples who enter marriage with little or no sexual experince bec the HDS partners who are not beinsexual fell some of the strongest levels of oxytocin 

Healthy Couples 

• How do couples who have fulfilling sexual realtionship deal with the HDS and the LDS issues: 

• They accept themselves and their partner with love. Look for the positives in differnces in sexual desire 

  • Differntitation of roles- best way to form and effective partnership. Wonderful that someonedy reminds uou that sex is very important and essential. WOnderful that somebody reminds you that emotional connection is essential and a pathway to sed 

  • They are smart enough to not use bad psychology. NO punishing, complaining, or make someone feel bad about themselves 

•  They allow that some sexual experiences are quicker and more for the HDS person than the LDS person 

  • This means giving up on the fantasy of PVI and simultaneously orgasms as the goal fir every sexual encounter 

• THey are very good at communicating about sexual preferences and needs before and after sex and sometimes even during sex 

• Sometimes alternate weeks or months where one person is in charge of initiating sex and then switches. This relieves tension and give the LDS person a chance to initiate and learn their sexual preferences

Increase Oxytocin Levels 

• Give your partner an unexpected gift or note, compliment 

• Connecting and talking about something more deep than the weather can increase oxytocin 

  • Does Not work as well via technology 

• Physical exercise, especially yoga, increases oxytocin 

• Temperature warmth is conductive to oxytocin release 

• Meditation, particularly loving kindness meditation, increase oxytocin 

• One of the best ways is through sexual activity oreinted towards needs of the women (physical and emotional) 

• For women to achieve orgasm the vaginal muscles need to contract this is partially with oxytocin 

• Oxytocin plays a role in other parts of a woan’s sexual enjoyment; stimulated blood flow adn lubrication of the vuvla and vagina, contributes to libido as well 

• Most natural way to increase your oxytocin level is through foreplay. Spend more time with your partner and connecting on an intimate level 

• Crucial to shift from testosterone driven experiences to oxytocin experiences 

Crossing Thresholds 

• Orgasmic Intimacy (top) 

• Arousing Intimacy 

• Non-Arousing Intimacy (Bottom)

• As you learn to create physically satisfying experiences in marriage need to learn what helps your partner cross these thresholds 

• Myths 

  • There is only one right way to have sex 

  • Couples will feel the same level of arousal at the same time 

Data on the Female ORgasms 

• Opportunity or problem” of female orgasms continue to be a crucial issue to address that can become a challenge for couples 

• Currently more than 50% of women are not orgasmic during their last sexual experience and 40% are not orgasmic during most sexual experiences 

• Significant fap, sometimes few years, between first sexual experience and first orgasms 

• Two approaches to the issue 

  • It's just the way it is and most women are fine if many or even most experiences are not orgasmic 

  • Help women become more like men 

    • Increase sex education 

    • Increase their sexual experience 

      • Eliminate the double standard 

      • Increase solitary sexual activity 

      • Increase equality 

        • More opportunities for education, careers, 

      • Decrease religious conservatism and religiosity 

      • Improve attitudes about sexuality

  • Neither approach has helped 

    • First approach; women continue to feel dissatisfied if they are not consistently orgasmic 

      • Their relationships are much happier when they are constantly experiencing orgasm 

    • Second approach has not helped much: 

      • Very through sex education has not changed the [percentages of women who are more orgasmic. Safe sex doesn’t equal good sex 

      • Masturbation experience and frequency has not improved the problem 

      • More sexual experiences with more partners has not improved the situation

      • Greater equality has not improved the situation 

      • Less religiosity has not helped

      • Better physical health and condition has not mattered 

      • Number of children does not matter 

      • Better attitudes toward sex did help a little 

What helps female orgasms? 

• Relational dynamics 

  • A very happy relationship os the most important factor 

  • Oxytocin activities earlier in the day 

  • Good sex at 9 pm starts with connecting at 2 pm 

  • Openness in talking about sexuality together 

  • A skillful and desirable partner 

  • Nonsexual touching is frequent 

  • Sexuality is a priority in the relationship 

  • Orgasms are a priority in the relationship 

  • Mutual initiation of love making  

• Techniques: 

  • Stimulation of both the clitoris and vulva is more common for women who orgasm 

  • Oral sex is more common 

  • Increased time in love-making even up to 60 minutes helps 

  • Learning to give themselves up completely to lovemaking 

  • Learning to increase male partner’s pleasure

• Attitudes 

  • Accepting self and body is common in women who orgasm regularly (most important attitude) 

  • Getting rid of shame and guilt 

  • High sexual self-esteem 

Crossing thresholds 

• Once spouses have crossed what leads to effective orgasmic threshold 

• Don’t just focus on orgasm- stay present and non-goal oriented 

• A knowledge of the erogenous zone: are of the human body that has heightened sensitivity, the stimulation of which may generate a sexual response 

• Erogenous zones are located all over the human body, sensitivity varied, depends on concentrations of nerve endings 

• Erogenous zones may be classified as nonspecific (non-sexual) or specific (sexual)by the type of sexual response that they generate 

• Nonspecific zones: 

  • Eyelids, eyebrows, neck, ear, temples, shoulders, hands, arms, hair, feet, and the abdominal area when subtly touched or kissed 

• Specific Erogenous Zones 

  • Specific zones are associated with sexual response, and include the lips, nipples, genitals, the foreskin and corona (crown or tip) of the penis, clitoris, and the rest of the vulva and perianal skin. 

  • These zones have a high density of innervation 

• Skilled lovers learn that starting with the nonspecific erogenous zones works best, most of the time

• Moving too quickly can to the specific zones like breast and genitalacreate irritation or premature ejacutlation

• Clearest sign that a woman is ready for stimulation of the specific zones is some degree of lubrication. Know her own body and guide him 

• Usually some sort of direct stimulation 

What about Male Orgams 

• In about 95% of sexual experiences males will expeirnce an orgams but very quick and brief orgamsms are much less satisfying that those that take more time to achieve 

• Practice kegel exercises 

• Practice start and stop technique 

• Practice sensate focus technique 

• Focus on female pleasure     

 How do Typical Couples Get From the Incongruent to the Congruent Pattern 

• Many don’t and that is finw as long as they find a way for both partners to fully enjoy sex 

• It may take months or years, but experimentung is fun 

• Early in marriage it may only happen after the husband feoes through his refractory period 

• Lubricants may be very helpful 

• Woman on top positions can be very helpful 

• Woman on top positions 

• Learning the facts and preferences of the clitoris in your marriage is key

Sexual Mindfulness 

• The ability to remain aware and non-judgemental during sexual experiences 

• Mindfulness can help with all of the goals

  • Body positivity 

  • Relaxing while being sexual 

  • Vulnerability and openness 

  • Being more creative

List and discuss the steps that need to happen in first 3-6 months 

1. Both partners need to be comfortable and accepting of their own and their partners bodies in all their glory and imperfections: If we gave negative thoughts we might work on some things to help us heal and be more active

2. The couple needs to find consistent ways to help both partners reach sexual climax:remove PVI in the first experiences as the goal, let women control the pace and direct not moving towards towards PVI because of males intensity    

3. The couple needs to find ways to engage in PVI that is not painful to either partner and is beginning to reach higher levels of arousal that suggest mutual climax 

4. The couple needs to become comfortable with complete openness and vulnerability regarding their sexual needs, preference, and experiences with each other 

5. The couple needs to begin to have a process for addressing the HDS and LDS patterns in their relationship that reduces conflict and does not require one partner to more commonly give in to the other partner’s preferences 

6. Sexuality becomes a weekly process that is usually creative and fun and increases feelings of closeness: Hopefully the couple learns to be mindful and work together  

Mindfulness

Emotions 

• Mindfulness helps slow our thoughts to pay attention to emotions 

• Mindfulness helps us to be less critical of what we feel and instead feel curious 

• Sexual mindfulness Helps us pay attention to our partners emotions and not avoid emotional experiences or conversations

Meaning: 

• Clear our thoughts so we can feel greater connection to our partner, others, and humanity 

• Helps us slow down and feel compassions for ourselves and others 

• Create a more meaningful union 

Body 

• Starts with awareness of sensations of experience 

• Reduces anxiety during sex and instead be more accepting of the physical connections we experience 

• Sex is a physical connection that includes our emotional and spiritual side so it connects so well with mindfulness

Activities that increase sexual mindfulness 

• Mindful embrace 

  • Take as long as needed to feel connected. Talk afterward about how you felt during the embrace 

• Meditate everyday 

  • Practice a sexula mindfulness a few times a month 

  • Mindfulness embrace clothes off 

  • Same exact process as before 

  • Genital holding 

  • Same as above but moce faser and at the end lay down facing each other add genital holding 

  • Remain aware and non-judgmental 

  • Talk with partner about your impressions of slowing down, remaining aware and non-judgmental 

  • Practice living more mindfully in your daily activities 

General Communication Principles 

• In the sexual area most of the communication is nonverbal 

• Nonverbal communication most clearly demonstrates how we feel about what we are doing, how we feel about what we are saying, and how we feel about who we are talking to 

• When there is incongruence between what we say and how we say it, people will listen to how we say it 

• We cannot communicate what we don’t know

• All communication is a translation

What is effective communication? 

• Effective communication takes place when intent= impact 

• Effective communication doesn;t always mean it is positive 

Most important Communication about Sex 

• Express your sexual needs and desires regularly to your partner

  • Take time to think about whether the timing is opportune 

• How we turn down sexual interest is key to keeping communication working

  • Don’t be passive aggressive verbally or behaviorally 

  • Don’t be impatient 

  • Express appreciation that you are desirable 

  • Indicate when sex will likely be possible 

• Comfort with talking about sex 

• Very few couples regularly talk about sex, despite its centrality for a satisfying marriage 

  • They never heard open conversation about sex in their entire lives 

  • They feel insecure about their sexuality 

  • Sexuality is more threatening than other areas of life 

  • It seemed to work naturally before without talking about it so maybe it will keep working that way 

  • Women are often the relationship monitors but in this area they are less likely to do so 

• Lack of open communication about sexuality can be a central reason sexual probelms develop 

• Lack of open communication about sexuality os always one of the reasons problems persist longer than they have to 

• Six principles on page 154-155: 

  • Listen more than you talk 

  • Pay attention to nonverbals 

  • Listen for what is not said 

  • Reflect back what you heard 

  • Manage your emotions, but still express them

  • Empathize with your spouse   

• There is only one real solution to reduce discomfort in regard to talking about sex 

  • Learn about it and force yourself to talk about it regularly 

  • Until it becomes something you can talk about as easily as you can talk about what you eat for dinner you have not arrived 

  • If you can never get comfortable talking about it get therapy… and figure out what makes you so uncomfortable