Mon Mar 3rd - 2025

Key advice - let the other person know you understand their side of dispute

Characteristics of Conflict

• Conflict is unavoidable

What is Conflict?

• conflict as …. a war

  • Divorce litigation, how people weaponize, hire cutthroat lawyers etc

• conflict as …. a mess

  • Emotional mess

• conflict as …. game // conflict as …. a dance

  • Strategic element

• conflict as …. a puzzle

  • As a problem to address and that needs to be solved

Conflict is an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive:

• All conflicts come down to an incompatibility

1. Incompatible Goals

2. Scarce Resources

3. Interference from another while achieving goals

• an “expressed” struggle can be either verbal or nonverbal (such as the silent treatment)

  • Think poke the bear

• Interdependent with people we care about

Who do Conflicts Involve?

• Two or more primary parties

• People are thought of as “stakeholders” in conflicts

  • EX: roommate conflicts

Potential Benefits of Conflict

• Conflict increases awareness of existing problems

• Conflict may increases social cohesion

  • Social harmony

• Conflict promotes change

  • Change of do I become single? etc.

• Conflict strengthens relationships

  • roommate conflict, hopefully it could strengthen relationships

TYPES OF CONFLICT:

• AFFECTIVE CONFLICT

  • When people become aware their emotions and feelings are incompatible

    • When people’s feelings for each other change

      • EX: Workplace culture someone not meshing with the group

• POLICY CONFLICT

  • Incompatible preferences for a course of action, process, or plan to pursue

• VALUE CONFLICT

  • Different ideologies or belief systems

    • EX: 2 party system in the U.S.

• COGNITIVE CONFLICT

  • Incompatible thought processes or perceptions

• GOAL CONFLICT

  • Disagreements on preferred outcome

    • Only relates to the end result

Characteristic of Conflict:

• Effective communicators realize that although it’s impossible to eliminate conflict, there are ways to manage it effectively

5 Conflict Management Styles:

• Styles are similar to situational methods to handling conflict and understanding incompatible needs and wants

  1. AVOIDANCE: ( Inaction and Withdrawal)

     1. When people choose to not confront an issue directly

     2. Typically leads to unsatisfying relationships - reports of more frustration and discomfort when dealing with an avoidant partner

        1. Ghosting as a form of avoidance

        2. May work if it’s not worth it - “letting it pass” or if an abusive relationship

  2. ACCOMMODATION : (yielding) (giving in)

     1. Occurs when you entirely give-in to others rather than asserting your own point of view (low concern for yourself / high concern for others)

        1. “Lose the battle to win the war”

        2. Collectivist Cultures vs Individualistic Cultures

           1. Collectivists cultures favor accommodation

  3. COMPETITION: (Win - Lose)

     1. Opposite of accommodation!

     2. Resolving a conflict “my way” - high concern for self/low concern for others. Sometimes competition may enhance relationships - bringing the best out of both parties

        1. EX: Couples where they were both lawyers kept pushing each other to be better

     3. However, the dark side of competition brings out aggression

        1. Passive Aggression: Punishing another person without directly confronting the other (ex: guilt)

        2. Direct Aggression: Attacking the other person, teasing, making threats, demeaning, ridiculing, name-calling, etc.

  4. COMPROMISE: (Half-way and partial satisfaction)

     1. Gives both people some of what they want - both sacrifice part of their goals

        1. Not as positive as it sounds

        2. May not satisfy either side

           1. EX: Divorce litigation, with kids and living situation, won’t be equal and not people will be happy

  5. COLLABORATION: (problem-solve) (win-win)

     1. Finding a solution that satisfies the needs of everyone involved

     2. Involves more active listening while having high concern for both self and others

        1. Might not be the most realistic way to solve conflict

     3. Might be more time-consuming and may not work when decisions need to be made quickly

• AVOIDANCE and. ACCOMMODATION are considered PASSIVE responses

• COLLBORATION, COMPREOMISE ……

Conflict in Relational Systems

• Complementary Conflict: People involved use different, yet mutually reinforcing behaviors

• Symmetrical Conflict: People involved use the same behaviors

• Escalatory Spiral: When both parnter treat one another with matching hostility, one threat and insult leading to another

  • Is this considered symmetrical or complementary

Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

• These four are considered the most destructive signs in communication and conflict that leads ti the end of 90% of relationships - especially newlyweds

  • Criticism

    • Attacking another person’s character in a critical manner

      • Messages that are critical assaults on character may often be stated as evaluative and blame-oriented by using “you” messages (you’re selfish) (you’re incompetent)

        • SOLUTION: Consider using “I” language instead (I wish you cared more, I wish you were not as selfish)

  • Defensiveness

    • A reaction that aims to protect one’s presenting self by denying responsibility and counterattacking

      • Defensiveness also includes when someone refuses to listen or acknowledge another’s concerns

        • SOLUTION: Perspective-taking us a useful alternative to being overly defensive

  • Contempt

    • The worst out of these

    • Statements that belittle, demean, or ridicule another person, may include harsh sarcasm and nonverbal reactions

    • Contempt is worse than criticism - often includes a superiority-complex (”I am better than you”); a contemptuous partner is on a conquest to prove who’s better

      • EX:

        • “Oh, nice job Einstein”

        • Dramatic eye rolls

        • Disgusted sighs

        • Not respecting the other

          • SOLUTION: Stay respectful, appreciate small things often

  • Stonewalling

    • Occurs when one person withdraws and shuts down from the conversation

      • Sends a disconfirming message to the other ( “You do not matter”) - similar to AVOIDANCE

        • Remember Gottsman “Love Lab” experiment of the couples who took 20 mins to cool down and revisit their conflict, thus had far greater chances of resolve

        • SOLUTION: Take timeout to calm down and self-soothe

• When Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling feed off one another, they can develop into destructive conflict rituals