Ch.7 - Friendships

Take a minute to think about your closest friends…

• Why are we talking about friends?

◦ We are intimate with our friends; share and trust important relationship

‣ Better time hanging out with their friends

◦ What distinguishes a best friend from a good friend?

‣ Best friend is more like a family member (so much more)

Friendship

• Based on the same building blocks of intimacy as romances are

◦ We put them in weighted categories (intimacy & building blocks): friendship & romantic relationships

The Nature of Friendship

• How do you answer this question: “A friend is someone who…”

◦ Affection : free of judgement and be myself

◦ Communion : support in self-composure, sense of quality meaning where we go to eat (taking turns), support (we would help them)

◦ Companionship : spend time with them and its rewarding

• Therefore, friendship is….

◦ A voluntary personal re

Friendship vs. Love

• So, how do friendships differe from romances

◦ Less passionate

◦ Less exclusive : monogamy; friends only have one friend

◦ Less confining : fewer obligations that we do with our romantic partners; meet parents of how we meet friends or romantic partners

• But friendships are intimate relationships. They still involve:

◦ Respect

◦ Trust

◦ Capitalization : share our excitement; take their food and take it as if it was us

‣ Married and friends are more excited than person who is going to be engaged

◦ Responsiveness : important component; way we show how we value a friendship and understand and value us

‣ See us for who we are

‣ Perceive Partner Responsiveness : perception has a greater affect than reality does.

• If you don’t perceive it that way, then you won’t view it

‣ Social Support : sometimes things don’t work out or good news!

• Friend supports you when something goes wrong

Social Support

• Four types;

◦ Emotional support : friends reassuring us

‣ Physiological changes : control stress levels, will heal faster good emotional support, lower blood pressure

‣ Affection acceptance

◦ Physical support : physical touch; we need touch where they aren’t saying anything

‣ Hugs, holding hands, patting on shoulder

◦ Advice support : giving advice

‣ Sometimes we’re looking for guidance

◦ Material support : giving gifts or something we need

‣ Like money or food

• Do you need all 4 to be a good friends?

◦ Effective support : you’re gonna feel closer to that personal; regardless of the support they give

‣ They give exactly what you need and it actually helps you

◦ Some kinds of support is more helpful than others

‣ Know which support is more effective

◦ Invisible support : not being obvious that you are offering help/support

‣ Best support

‣ Done without acknowledging that they know you are struggling

‣ From the shadows

◦ You don’t need all of them; just be effective with one of them

◦ They tend to be more trusting

• Gender differences?

◦ Guys are better at advice support

◦ Females are better at emotional support

◦ It might just come down to out hormones

‣ Testosterones -> responsible for fight-or-flight

‣ sympathetic arousal : body is sympathetic to your needs

‣ Oxytocin —> tend & befriend : when women are put under stressful sitch’s, they go out and seek connections

• However, its not what people do for us, but what we think they do for us

◦ Perception is a big part of this class

‣ Doesn’t matter what the reality is

• Doesn’t matter what they do for us, but what we think they do for us

THE NATURE OF FRIENDSHIP PT.2:

Are there rules to your friendship?

• Learn these rules through childhood

• Learn these rules starting in media

• Gender differences

◦ Women expect : loyalty, self-disclosure,

◦ Will ate those things will have bigger impact

Friendships across the life cycle

• Do our friendships change as we age?

• Do you remember your friends from elementary school? How are they different than the ones you had in high school or today?

◦ Expectations of a high school friends to now have changed

‣ We don’t worry about our friends abandoning us as we age

◦ We become more satisfied with our friendships as we age

Do infants and toddlers have friends?

• Yes?

◦ Maybe seeing them enough they can see they are a companion

◦ Enjoying their company but not maybe realizing it

• No?

◦ Don’t have the concept of friendship

◦ Parents are pushing them together (infants)

‣ I like playing with them but I don’t necessarily like them (toddlers)

• Research says NO

◦ Toddlers have rudimentary friendship

‣ They don’t have intimacy

‣ Talking at each other

Friendship in Childhood

• Do we need to have a certain level of cognitive development?

◦ Theory of mind : it’s understanding their perspective

‣ I can’t really be you friend until I put myself into their shoes, to know what they like and dislike

‣ Piaget’s Egocentrism : everything is from their perspective

• Burmester & Furman (1986)

◦ Acceptance : looking to be accepted and liked by our peers

‣ Valentine’s Day - in grade school, back in the day, you didn’t have to give EVERYONE a Valentine

‣ Very young age

◦ Intimacy : self-disclosure, wanting to be close to someone

‣ Pre-Adolescence

‣ Usually people of the same age, and gender

‣ First taste of loneliness; acknowledgement of being surrounded by others but having no close connections with any of them

◦ Sexuality : sexual attraction; desire & ability to form romantic relationships

‣ During adolescence

‣ Evolving friendship beyond what we need it typically as

‣ Longest one

‣ Can’t reach this if have not reached previous 2

◦ Before intimacy, you have to have acceptance so you would meet to build ono each other to go to the other. relationships become more complex as we age

◦ Make better friends as an adult

‣ Securely attached satisfying friendship