The Seven Laws of Better Listening
1. Spend more time listening
Let other people finish speaking. Resist the temptation to interrupt or anticipate
what others will say. Listen even if you DO know what they will say. Poor
listeners talk too much. A bright, quick thinking listener might want to cut the
speaker short to demonstrate the ability to “understand” quickly. But such
anticipation is viewed more as interruption or arrogance than intelligence or
understanding. To listen better, listen more. Give the other person quiet attention.
2. Find interest in the other person
A basic barrier to listening is labeling a topic or person uninteresting. If you
believe something to be dull and uninteresting, it will be. The skilled listener
knows there are no boring subjects, only bored people.
A poor listener rehearses a response instead of listening. A “conversation”
between two non-listeners is like two TV sets facing each other. A good listener
finds a reason to listen, instead of an excuse not to.
3. Stay out of the way
A good listener keeps the communication path open. One way is to give
feedback by asking open-ended questions.
Giving advice is setting up a barrier instead of listening. People who give advice
mean well, but greater help often comes from an attentive ear.
Don’t fear silence. People often reveal what’s most important after a pause.
4. Listen to what people mean between the lines
A message has both content (words, for example) and feelings. Listening
involves paying attention to both-the total meaning. A good listener knows the
meaning of words is found in a dictionary, but the meaning of people is found in
listening.
5. Take notes
We think faster than we talk. This imbalance invites daydreams and distractions,
but it also makes careful listening possible. It provides time to evaluate the
message, and time to take notes.
Note taking is NOT only for the classroom. It can be helpful during telephone
conversations, talking to a doctor, designer, tax advisor, lawyer, insurance agent,
etc. If people comment on your note taking, explain that what they say is
important to you and taking notes helps avoid misunderstanding.
A formal outline style is not required - create your own personalized style.
6. Assume the proper stance
Body position can influence feelings. Taking a posture that shows lack of interest
(arms folded, slouched back, no eye contact, etc.) can create or amplify feelings
of boredom.
Assuming the stance of an attentive listener can actually improve listening.
The eye level of two people sends a non-verbal message. Two people with eyes
at the same level send a message of equality. If one is much higher, the
message is superiority.
The person higher up can literally “look down on” the other. It reminds us of being
little kids when the whole world loomed above. The lower person might feel
“looked down upon,” and is forced to “look up to” the other.
7. Be aware of your filters
We all have built in “earlids” to filter out what we don’t want to hear. People have
different filters based on their culture, upbringing and gender. Men and women
often have different kinds of filters, and that causes listening problems. If you
become aware of your own filters (even without changing them) you will improve
your listening.
Research finds, in general, women like more details in conversation. Men tune
out the detail and sometimes find this attention to details irritating. Women are
more likely to value communication and its resulting intimacy of its own sake,
while men see communication as information. Many women claim men have a
“bottom line filter,” in which only the results or the solution matters.
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Studied by 46 people
