Three Marriage Models (Contributions/Labor)
80/20 Model
Breadwinner/homemaker
50/50 Model
Strict division/even/fair
Can lead to score keeping
80/80 Model
Radical generosity
This is the best model
Two people should be giving whole heartedly
Why do we form relationships?
Attraction: Whether it be physically, socially, or emotionally
We are naturally drawn to some people
Symmetry or Dissymmetry
Similarity vs Complementarity Thesis **
Similarity Thesis - we form relationships based on similarities
The more similarities, the more likely you are to form a
PRO - A lot in common, makes small talk easier
CON - It can be boring if someone has all the same interests as you
Complementarity = opposites attract model
Some key similarities, but different still
PRO - Admire the things you lack
CON -
Time and Proximity
Proximity - you happen to be around them because your around each other
Time - Giving your time help to accelerate a relationship
Uncertainty Reduction Theory
We are uncertain in the beginning of a relationship
So we must seek information from the other, to provide an improved PREDICTION of future interactions and to LOWER OUR UNCERTAINTY
This is trying to gather as much information as possible
The Opposite of Uncertainty is PREDICTABILITY
The more we can accurately predict, then less anxious we feel
Meeting the In-Laws: HIGH UNCERTAINTY
High Uncertainty = High Anxiety
Communication Trends With Uncertainty
Axiom #1: Verbal Communication
Two people talking to each-other
Less Verbal Communication = More Uncertainty
More Verbal Communication = Less Uncertainty
Axiom #2: Nonverbal Warmth
Expressiveness (smiling, head nods, eye contact
The “it” factor, if its there, its there
Less Expressiveness = More Uncertainty
More Expressiveness = Less Uncertainty
Axiom #3: Self- Disclosure
Less Self-Disclosure = More Uncertainty
More Self-Disclosure = Less Uncertainty
Axiom #4: Similarity
Less Similarity = More Uncertainty
More Similarity = Less Uncertainty
Online Profiles Prior to First Dates
View profiles typically meant people were more eager to communicate going into the date AND more willing to engage in Self-Disclosure and Warm Nonverbal Cues
Hedging - For Planning Ahead if the interaction does not go well
The use of Ambiguity and Humor to provide a way for both people to gracefully retreat if interaction goes wrong
Law of reciprocity
Reciprocity is critical to successful self-disclosure. A two-way street of disclosure
EX: RomCom - bodycount
Three Characteristics of Self-Disclosure Between 2 People
Surface level info is exchanged quickly at first
Self-Disclosure is reciprocal
Self-Disclosure lessens over time
It lessens because you run out of things to self-disclose
Boredom can be a relationship killer
Always have curiosity for your partner
Privacy is sacrificed with Self- Disclosure
Once self-disclosure is frequent, it will have cut passages through which it can return again with LITTLE RESISTANCE
Relationship Matintenance
Def: Communication that keeps relationships running smoothly and satisfactory ****
Knapp’s Relationship model
You look at your relationship and you see where you are
COMING TOGETHER
Initiating - the art of impression making
NONVERBALS
First Impressions
Greeting rituals
Experimenting - The art of small talk
Searching for common ground
Intensifying - Disclosure rapidly picks up between you and the other person
More deep, more enriching
In a romantic relationship, might be more of langauge of we instead of I
Integrating - The act of labeling
Recognition of a romantic relationship, outlining of boundaries
Social networks converage
Introductions to friends and family
Bonding - Public declaration of relationship
Cohabitation, marriage, etc
COMING APART
Differentiating - Have subtle changes in communication
More distance between you and the other person
EX: more I terms of language instead of we
Circumscribing- Opposite of intensifying
EX: ask someone about their day, then only getting “I’m fine”
Conflict avoidance
Stagnating - Relationship purgatory
Don’t know where you stand in the relationship
You don’t know where you are going in the relationship
Relationship is in a holding pattern
Can’t be there for too long
Its the fork in the road
Avoiding - Intentional decision to avoid that person
You are still together, but barely
EX: someone sleeping on the couch, someone sleeping in the bed
More slippery slope to terminating
This is the beginning of the end
Terminating - Saying we aren’t together anymore
No more bf/gf labels anymore
Five Strats couples use to keep their interactions more satisfying
Positivity
Keeping upbeat
Openness
Having a lot of self-disclosure
Assurances
More underrated
Anytime you tell your partner that they matter to you
Social Networks
Merging of friends and family
Sharing Tasks
Most related to the marriage models
Tasks you need to do in a relationship
The Marketplace of Information
Social Exchange Theory: Costs and rewards of interactions, regulated by evaluation
Ppl are always performing a cost-reward analysis to determine whether someone is “worth it”
Would you end a relationship because of an imbalance? Will you continue dating
Sometimes people do end relationships by putting in all these costs and not feeling it reciprocated
An economic approach to interpersonal communication
Evaluating Relationships
TWO STANDARDS of comparison level
Relative Satisfaction (CL): Evaluating outcomes that seem attractive WITHIN the current relationship
Alternative Satisfaction (CLalt): Evaluating outcomes that seem attractive OUTSIDE the current relationship
Two opposing or incompatible forces existing simultaneously
6 Relational Dialectics, 3 categories
Two major categories of tension appear as either INTERNAL (within the relationship) or EXTERNAL (outside of the relationship)
Integration - Separation
Connection - Autonomy (Internal)
Connection - build closeness with your partner
Autonomy - Sense of independence
Think love-bombing with this one
Integration - Separation
Inclusion - Seclusion (External)
Inclusion - to still be involved with your friends and family
Seclusion - quality time with your partner
Spend time with each-other or friends
“Enmeshed” Relationships
Enmeshment is a type of codependency stemming from over involvement in a relationship
Boundaries are blurred, where a person loses their sense of self, privacy, and boundaries
Predictability - Novelty (Internal)
Predictability - stability, routine, dependability, and boundaries
Novelty - Excitement for new experiences
Conventionality - Uniqueness (External)
Conventionality - Conform to societal expectations
Outside perception as perfect family type of thing
Uniqueness - desire to feel special and different
Outside perception as different
Openness- Closedness (Internal)
Openness - desire to be open and sharing personal things
Closedness - Maintain Privacy, what to not disclose
What things would be too much to share with your partner
Revelation - Concealment (External)
Revelation - publicly revealing info about your relationship
When people post visually about their partner
EX: Coworker relationships
Concealment - Privately concealing info about your relationship