• Investment - Time, energy, emotion, love, and material goods.

• Commitment - Actions that show a decision to stay in the relationship.

• Trust - Believing in another’s reliability (both material and emotional).

• Comfort with relational dialectics:

  • Autonomy/Connection

  • Novelty/Predictability

  • Openness/Privacy

Confirming vs. Disconfirming Communication

Confirming Communication: Messages that convey valuing.

1. Recognition - Returning calls, making eye contact.

2. Acknowledgment - Active listening.

3. Endorsement - Agreement, compromise, praise, support.

Disconfirming Communication: Messages that show a lack of regard on a relational level (e.g., they are disrespectful, insulting, controlling, etc.)

Preventing Defensiveness In Others

NOTE: Left is negative and right is positive.

• Evaluation vs. Description

  • Evaluation examples - “It’s dumb to feel that way” or “You shouldn’t feel like that.”

  • Even positive evaluations can sometimes make us defensive because they carry the relationship-level meaning that another person feels entitled to judge us (Cupach & Carlson, 2002).

  • Descriptive communication doesn’t evaluate others or what they should think/feel, and it describes behaviors without passing judgment onto another

• Control vs. Problem Orientation

  • Defensiveness arises because the person exerting control thinks they have greater power, rights, or intelligence than others. It can be discomforting to be told that we’re wrong, or that our opinions don’t matter or are subordinate.

  • Problem-oriented communication tends to cultivate supportive and confirming climates, focusing on finding a solution that all parties can accept/meets everyone’s needs.

  • Problem-oriented behaviors can reduce relationship conflict and keep communication lines open. 

• Strategy vs. Spontaneity

  • Most people feel on guard if we feel that the other person is manipulating us or not being mostly earnest.

  • An example is someone asking “Remember that time I helped you with your english homework?” - with this preamble, it feels like a trap, like they’re expecting a favor.

  • Spontaneous communication feels open and honest, without premeditation. 

• Neutrality vs. Empathy

  • People can get more defensive if people respond to them in a more detached, less emotionally toned answer.

  • Only minimal cues such as barely nodding and only making “mmm” sounds can make the other person feel as if the person doesn’t care for them or doesn’t have an interest in the topic.

  • Empathetic communication shows care with a compassionate approach to communication; not necessarily agreeing with the other person. 

• Superiority vs. Equality

  • We feel disconfirmed if another person speaks as if they’re superior to us.

  • Examples of superiority speaking are “Of course I know better than you.” or “If you had my experience you wouldn’t suggest that.” - both examples make the other person feel inferior.

  • Communication that fosters equality can create stronger relationships where both parties feel secure and safe, without fear of judgment. 

• Certainty vs. Provisionalism

  • Certainty proclaims that only one position is correct, and closes the door for any other argument or communication.

  • Examples of certainty speaking are “I don’t want to hear about it.” or “You won’t be able to change my mind.”

  • Certainty has an unwillingness to communicate further or consider other points of view, which can lead to the other person feeling discouraged and wanting to “save their breath” by not arguing.

  • Provisionalism communication allows for both perspectives to be heard and shared.