EDx
Video transcript Start of transcript. Skip to the end. [Associate Professor Fiona Barlow] This whole course is on communication, so you might think that we are going to talk about, well, speaking. But the reality is that speakers are at the mercy of listeners. Brownell (2010) argues that communication is listener defined: A message means whatever a receiver thinks it does. Old theoretical models sort of had this idea that a sender would send a message, and then the receiver would eventually listen and get it. But that is not how things work at all.The process is dynamic, and both sender and receiver (and observer) are constantly listening and talking Listening underpins all of human communication.We simply cannot craft good messages without listening to others, and getting an idea of where they are coming from, what they want and need, how open they are to our message, and what they will find most persuasive/interesting. This challenge is particularly evident to me now, as I try to work out what I think that you need to know about communication, and how to get it across, as well as how to not be a boring *beep* while I do it. Brownell makes the case that if you can get listening right, you are much more likely to be able to create shared meanings to have your message heard. I agree, but it is hard. And there are a whole bunch of reasons why we find it hard to listen. Some of these are: Preoccupation Prejudgment Reactivity And Lack of motivation or effort When we are preoccupied we are thinking about ourselves, our own problems, or other ideas. A classic example is “drifting off” when listening to someone, and they stop and ask you what they said and you have to apologize. Karen: Tim, Tim. Did I tell you that Phil wants to go all out for his birthday this year? I'm not having a bar of it. So I said to him, what is wrong with the usual? Glass of wine game of Scrabble. You know if he really wants to fancy I'll whip up a lasagne. Lasagne and Monopoly. Lasagne and Risk. Lasagne and Cluedo. Prejudgement is another thing that gets in the way of us really hearing people. We often think that we know what someone is going to say, or what they “really mean” and this stops us from listening to their actual words, and ideas. Tim: I don’t know about you, but I absolutely love … Karen: Dinosaurs, right!? I was thinking the exact same thing. I love thinking about dinosaurs. Stegosaurus right? Triceratops, what's with that? Brontosaurus. Reactivity can also get in the way. When we listen we are not just listening to words, we are listening for emotional content, for the way that people are saying things. When someone speaks with heavy emotion, we often react to the emotion, rather than the message. An obvious example of this is when someone is angry at us, or talking meanly – it can hurt a lot, and we take away the hurt, without really getting any of the content. You can also do it positively – politicians often try to whip up a collective feeling of success, and connection, but when you step back their words themselves may have little meaning. There are a bunch of inspirational/motivational quote generators online, that take buzzwords to create quotes that sound good but effectively mean nothing. In fact, I can do one now: “Sometimes we resist greatness, we bow down under the weight of ordinariness. But we don’t have to. In fact, we can cast off the shackles of our minds, of our hearts, of our weight, and soar up. Higher, even, than we have imagined. Because while you have been searching, you have not turned around. The truth has been in front of you all along. You are love! You are power! You are magnificent!”. If you responded to the emotion of my tone, and felt uplifted, it really was because you were not listening. To the words, anyway. While the tone was positive, the message was mostly nonsense. Well not the bit about you being magnificent – I am sure you are. But the content leading up to that was garbled; and reactivity to emotional content can make it hard for us to see that. Lack of motivation/effort - One of the biggest predictors of listening success (after accounting for IQ) is MOTIVATION. Do you want to listen? For me, the answer is often: “*beep* no I don’t”. Actually, what I want to do is eat toast, play some sort of mindless game on my phone, and wind down after a horrendously busy day. Often it feels too exhausting in my own head, and thoughts, and feelings, to be able to really tune in to what someone else is saying, even if I love them (especially if I love them). I am sure a lot of you can relate - and like me, miss out on lecture content, friends' stories, and genuine human connection. This is another one of those things that I want us to tackle, together. End of transcript.Video transcript
Start of transcript. Skip to the end.
[Associate Professor Fiona Barlow]
This whole course is on communication, so you might think that we are going to talk
about, well, speaking.
But the reality is that speakers are at the mercy of listeners.
Brownell (2010) argues that communication is listener defined: A message means whatever
a receiver thinks it does.
Old theoretical models sort of had this idea that a sender would send a message, and then
the receiver would eventually listen and get it.
But that is not how things work at all.The process is dynamic, and both sender and receiver
(and observer) are constantly listening and talking
Listening underpins all of human communication.We simply cannot craft good messages without
listening to others, and getting an idea of where they are coming from, what they want
and need, how open they are to our message, and what they will find most persuasive/interesting.
This challenge is particularly evident to me now, as I try to work out what I think
that you need to know about communication, and how to get it across, as well as how to
not be a boring *beep* while I do it.
Brownell makes the case that if you can get listening right, you are much more likely
to be able to create shared meanings to have your message heard.
I agree, but it is hard.
And there are a whole bunch of reasons why we find it hard to listen.
Some of these are: Preoccupation
Prejudgment Reactivity
And Lack of motivation or effort
When we are preoccupied we are thinking about ourselves, our own problems, or other ideas.
A classic example is “drifting off” when listening to someone, and they stop and ask
you what they said and you have to apologize.
Karen: Tim, Tim. Did I tell you that Phil wants to go all out for his birthday this year?
I'm not having a bar of it. So I said to him, what is wrong with the usual?
Glass of wine game of Scrabble.
You know if he really wants to fancy I'll whip up a lasagne.
Lasagne and Monopoly.
Lasagne and Risk.
Lasagne and Cluedo.
Prejudgement is another thing that gets in the way of us really hearing people.
We often think that we know what someone is going to say, or what they “really mean”
and this stops us from listening to their actual words, and ideas.
Tim: I don’t know about you, but I absolutely love …
Karen: Dinosaurs, right!?
I was thinking the exact same thing. I love thinking about dinosaurs.
Stegosaurus right? Triceratops, what's with that?
Brontosaurus.
Reactivity can also get in the way.
When we listen we are not just listening to words, we are listening for emotional content,
for the way that people are saying things.
When someone speaks with heavy emotion, we often react to the emotion, rather than the
message.
An obvious example of this is when someone is angry at us, or talking meanly – it can
hurt a lot, and we take away the hurt, without really getting any of the content.
You can also do it positively – politicians often try to whip up a collective feeling
of success, and connection, but when you step back their words themselves may have little
meaning.
There are a bunch of inspirational/motivational quote generators online, that take buzzwords
to create quotes that sound good but effectively mean nothing.
In fact, I can do one now:
“Sometimes we resist greatness, we bow down under the weight of ordinariness.
But we don’t have to.
In fact, we can cast off the shackles of our minds, of our hearts, of our weight, and soar
up.
Higher, even, than we have imagined.
Because while you have been searching, you have not turned around.
The truth has been in front of you all along.
You are love!
You are power!
You are magnificent!”.
If you responded to the emotion of my tone, and felt uplifted, it really was because you
were not listening.
To the words, anyway.
While the tone was positive, the message was mostly nonsense.
Well not the bit about you being magnificent – I am sure you are.
But the content leading up to that was garbled; and reactivity to emotional content can make
it hard for us to see that.
Lack of motivation/effort - One of the biggest predictors of listening success (after accounting
for IQ) is MOTIVATION.
Do you want to listen?
For me, the answer is often: “*beep* no I don’t”.
Actually, what I want to do is eat toast, play some sort of mindless game on my phone,
and wind down after a horrendously busy day.
Often it feels too exhausting in my own head, and thoughts, and feelings, to be able to
really tune in to what someone else is saying, even if I love them (especially if I love
them).
I am sure a lot of you can relate - and like me, miss out on lecture content, friends'
stories, and genuine human connection.
This is another one of those things that I want us to tackle, together.
End of transcript.
Start of transcript. Skip to the end. [Associate Professor Fiona Barlow] Humans are tricksy little things, and most of us are pretty skilled at avoiding listening. Not only are these barriers preventing us from listening but we also do a heap of other things when we’re supposed to be listening these are called non listening behaviours. So what do we do instead of listen? There are a few ways that we can engage in non listening and today we are going to talk about six types: pseudolistening, monopolising, selective listening, defensive listening, ambushing and literal listening. Pseudolistening – this is basically when we pretend to listen, but we are not, not really. We may be there, in body, and we may even be nodding, but we are not paying attention. A common example of this is playing on our phones, or checking social media while talking to our friends, parents, or partners, or even while ostensibly watching a lecture online. There is heaps of evidence to show that we are not very good multitaskers, even if we think we are. And we are distracted we find it harder to take in information. Karen: So I said to him, if you think that we are going to be going to Seaworld instead of Dreamworld you’ve got another think coming Phil. I’m not driving all the way to the goldcoast just to go to bloody seaworld, Movieworld maybe, Outback Spectacular at an absolute pinch. But I said to him if you want to do that it’s Dreamworld mate. Tim: Yup, hot. Monopolizing happens when we focus any conversation continually on ourselves, rather than our conversational partner. This brings to mind a time when I went on a date to the RE. I had matched with this guy, and he took me out and bought me a drink. I was excited, and had got dressed up. When I arrived, he began what can only be described as a monologue. For an hour, practically without taking breath, he talked to me - about himself, his life, and his inner world. At no point did he stop to ask a question about me, or indicate in any way that I too had an inner world, or thoughts or opinions that might interest him. We’re married now, obviously. Oh no wait! We’re not - we had to have that stupid awkward text conversation, and then never saw each other again, because when someone talks at you, rather than with you, you feel disposable, and it signals (rightly or wrongly) their lack of interest. We can also monopolize a conversation by diverting - using tricks and verbal gymnastics to turn the conversations back to ourselves. Tim: I don’t know about you, but I am really struggling today. It just feels like, work, and life is you know… Karen: I’m actually feeling fine, which is such a surprise, because you know I’ve been really overworked. The boss really puts a lot of faith in me and even though that’s good, it can be really exhausting. Tim: She really does, and it’s great that you’re getting recognition for it, you work really hard and what I’m trying to say is that it’s just been a rough week for me. On top of everything I had a flat tyre yesterday and… Karen: Oh my god, speaking of which, I’ve been thinking of getting a scooter. I actually really fancy myself on a Vespa. You can imagine me all over St Lucia up and down Carmody Road maybe I could even nip over to West End. Tim: That’s awesome. I guess what I am just trying to say is that it all just feels a little too much for me. Karen: Oh Tim! You think you have problems? Honestly I have told you just how demanding Phil is being at the moment. I’ve got to go, I’ve things to do. The problem is that so often our own thoughts and feelings really feel that much more important than what others are saying – but very often they are not. To actually take part in a two way conversation we need to pause and let the other person speak. Selective Listening is another form of listening, and occurs when we only pick up a bit of the conversation. We often do this because we are motivated to hear what we want to hear. For example if you want to pick a fight with someone you maybe pick out just one little bit of their conversation that’s offensive or maybe you only listen to the content in sentences that you find interesting. Selective listening again, prevents us from really hearing people. Defensive Listening is really listening with an ear out for attacks, criticism, and hostility, anything mean. Karen: Hey Tim, you think I was in the right, right? Phil was being pretty demanding. Tim: Sounds like he was being pretty demanding but you know the man’s doing his best. Karen: What, Phil? You think he’s trying his best? Jesus Christ! You think I am in the wrong here! Tim: No! Karen: You think I’m the bad guy in this! Do you feel sorry for Phil? Oh my god Tim. You shouldn’t feel sorry for Phil, you should feel sorry for those Orcas swimming around in their tiny cages. We’re not going to Seaworld Phil, it’s Dreamworld or nothing. Defensive listeners are always willing to take offense, irrespective of what they are being offered. This phenomenon is visited multiple times in the course. Ambushing is another form of non listening. It’s basically not listening to hear but listening to find weak spots in peoples arguments. So for example have you talked to someone and you really disagree with their point of view and you want to convince them that you are right. When you are listening to them, you are probably listening for flaws or holes in their argument than really trying to get where they are coming from. Finally there’s literal listening. Ok so if we just focus on the emotional tone of a conversation or a sentence and ignore the words we can get things wrong. But the reverse is true too. If we listen to people without attending to the emotion that they are trying to convey we often fundamentally get their message wrong. Karen: How are you going Tim? Tim (crying into his hands): Fine. Karen: Great to hear. So what does this all mean? Basically, listening is sort of like running an obstacle course, it requires persistence and there are heaps of barriers getting in your way, there are like monkey bars and tyres and things you have to jump over and duck under. And then to avoid doing it there are a suite of techniques that we use to get out of listening. But this can’t be where it ends, we need to look that stupid obstacle course square in its awful face, and become ninja warriors. We need to engage, purposefully, and effortfully, in the art of becoming a good listener. End of transcript. Start of transcript. Skip to the end.
[Associate Professor Fiona Barlow] Humans are tricksy little things, and most of us are pretty skilled at avoiding listening.
Not only are these barriers preventing us from listening but we also do a heap of other
things when we’re supposed to be listening these are called non listening behaviours.
So what do we do instead of listen?
There are a few ways that we can engage in non listening and today we are going to talk
about six types: pseudolistening, monopolising, selective listening, defensive listening,
ambushing and literal listening.
Pseudolistening – this is basically when we pretend to listen, but we are not, not
really.
We may be there, in body, and we may even be nodding, but we are not paying attention.
A common example of this is playing on our phones, or checking social media while talking
to our friends, parents, or partners, or even while ostensibly watching a lecture online.
There is heaps of evidence to show that we are not very good multitaskers, even if we
think we are.
And we are distracted we find it harder to take in information.
Karen: So I said to him, if you think that we are going to be going to Seaworld instead of Dreamworld
you’ve got another think coming Phil.
I’m not driving all the way to the goldcoast just to go to bloody seaworld, Movieworld
maybe, Outback Spectacular at an absolute pinch.
But I said to him if you want to do that it’s Dreamworld mate.
Tim: Yup, hot.
Monopolizing happens when we focus any conversation continually on ourselves, rather than our
conversational partner.
This brings to mind a time when I went on a date to the RE.
I had matched with this guy, and he took me out and bought me a drink.
I was excited, and had got dressed up.
When I arrived, he began what can only be described as a monologue.
For an hour, practically without taking breath, he talked to me - about himself, his life,
and his inner world.
At no point did he stop to ask a question about me, or indicate in any way that I too
had an inner world, or thoughts or opinions that might interest him.
We’re married now, obviously.
Oh no wait!
We’re not - we had to have that stupid awkward text conversation, and then never saw each
other again, because when someone talks at you, rather than with you, you feel disposable,
and it signals (rightly or wrongly) their lack of interest.
We can also monopolize a conversation by diverting - using tricks and verbal gymnastics to turn
the conversations back to ourselves.
Tim: I don’t know about you, but I am really struggling today.
It just feels like, work, and life is you know…
Karen: I’m actually feeling fine, which is such a surprise, because you know I’ve been really
overworked.
The boss really puts a lot of faith in me and even though that’s good, it can be really
exhausting.
Tim: She really does, and it’s great that you’re getting recognition for it, you work really
hard and what I’m trying to say is that it’s just been a rough week for me.
On top of everything I had a flat tyre yesterday and…
Karen: Oh my god, speaking of which, I’ve been thinking of getting a scooter.
I actually really fancy myself on a Vespa.
You can imagine me all over St Lucia up and down Carmody Road maybe I could even nip over
to West End.
Tim: That’s awesome.
I guess what I am just trying to say is that it all just feels a little too much for me.
Karen: Oh Tim!
You think you have problems?
Honestly I have told you just how demanding Phil is being at the moment.
I’ve got to go, I’ve things to do.
The problem is that so often our own thoughts and feelings really feel that much more important
than what others are saying – but very often they are not.
To actually take part in a two way conversation we need to pause and let the other person
speak.
Selective Listening is another form of listening, and occurs when we only pick up a bit of the
conversation.
We often do this because we are motivated to hear what we want to hear.
For example if you want to pick a fight with someone you maybe pick out just one little
bit of their conversation that’s offensive or maybe you only listen to the content in
sentences that you find interesting.
Selective listening again, prevents us from really hearing people.
Defensive Listening is really listening with an ear out for attacks, criticism, and hostility,
anything mean.
Karen: Hey Tim, you think I was in the right, right?
Phil was being pretty demanding.
Tim: Sounds like he was being pretty demanding but you know the man’s doing his best.
Karen: What, Phil?
You think he’s trying his best?
Jesus Christ!
You think I am in the wrong here!
Tim: No!
Karen: You think I’m the bad guy in this!
Do you feel sorry for Phil?
Oh my god Tim.
You shouldn’t feel sorry for Phil, you should feel sorry for those Orcas swimming around
in their tiny cages.
We’re not going to Seaworld Phil, it’s Dreamworld or nothing.
Defensive listeners are always willing to take offense, irrespective of what they are
being offered.
This phenomenon is visited multiple times in the course.
Ambushing is another form of non listening.
It’s basically not listening to hear but listening to find weak spots in peoples arguments.
So for example have you talked to someone and you really disagree with their point of
view and you want to convince them that you are right.
When you are listening to them, you are probably listening for flaws or holes in their argument
than really trying to get where they are coming from.
Finally there’s literal listening.
Ok so if we just focus on the emotional tone of a conversation or a sentence and ignore
the words we can get things wrong.
But the reverse is true too.
If we listen to people without attending to the emotion that they are trying to convey
we often fundamentally get their message wrong.
Karen: How are you going Tim?
Tim (crying into his hands): Fine.
Karen: Great to hear.
So what does this all mean?
Basically, listening is sort of like running an obstacle course, it requires persistence
and there are heaps of barriers getting in your way, there are like monkey bars and tyres
and things you have to jump over and duck under.
And then to avoid doing it there are a suite of techniques that we use to get out of listening.
But this can’t be where it ends, we need to look that stupid obstacle course square
in its awful face, and become ninja warriors.
We need to engage, purposefully, and effortfully, in the art of becoming a good listener.
End of transcript.
[Associate Professor Fiona Barlow] Listening is hard enough. But all of our problems with listening are also compounded because we have a pretty central bias when it comes to understanding other people. We assume that they feel the same way we do. Freud coined the term ‘projection’ to refer to a clinical pattern he observed in which clients assumed their therapists thought and felt the same way clients were thinking and feeling about a situation or themselves (Maner et al., 2005). Decades of research confirm that people make assumptions about how other people think and feel, and often incorrectly assume that others’ thoughts and feelings mirror their own internal states. This is called projection bias In the realm of romantic relationships, research shows that partners’ perceptions of one another are influenced by projection bias. Kenny and Acitelli (2001) surveyed heterosexual couples about their own and their partner’s feelings towards their relationship and families. They found that projection biases were particularly apparent when measures were linked to the relationship. For example, if you assume your relationship is going well, you are likely to assume your partner thinks that too, and vice versa. Following Kenny and Acitelli, researchers have established that people project a range of thoughts and feelings they have about their relationships onto their romantic partner. When people feel less caring, less supportive, and less responsive towards their romantic partner, they also assume their partner feels the same way towards them. People in relationships who frequently feel a particular emotion, be it anger or happiness, overestimate the extent to which their partner also feels that emotion. If they rarely feel an emotion, they tend to underestimate their partner’s experience of that emotion. The same goes for their perceptions of emotional suppression. The more people feel that they have to suppress emotions in the context of their relationship, the more they assume that their partner is feeling a lot of things that they have to suppress! Parents also project their own parenting behaviour on to their spouses! Those who view themselves as less responsive to their children also perceive their partners to be less responsive to their children. So why does having these projection biases matter? Well, people who feel favourably about their partners and their relationship, tend to project these positive feelings onto their partners, and in turn, tend to experience better relationship outcomes. On the other hand, people who feel unfavourably about their partners and their relationship, tend to project these negative feelings onto their partners, and in turn, tend to experience worse relationship outcomes. Recently, a PhD student of mine (Alannah Hockey) and I investigated projection biases in romantic relationships, specifically in regards to body image. Across two studies we found that women who were more dissatisfied with their body assumed their partner was dissatisfied too. Women’s beliefs about what their partner felt went on to predict reduced relationship and sexual satisfaction for them, as well as reduced relationship satisfaction for their partner. Here, body weight played a role. The figure on this slide is a depiction of a structural equation model, and I put it in to pique your curiosity, rather to read in detail. It is pretty complex. If you are interested, however, look at the row of boxes at the bottom of the diagram. Basically, what our results indicated is that while larger women did not have partners who were less attracted to them, they assumed they did, and the more convinced they were of this, the less happy they and their partner were. This study suggests that at times our reality is really shaped by our thoughts, and things that we think really matter, like our size or appearance, matter less than the way that we think about them. The work on projection biases is also consistent with the idea that we can create self-fulfilling prophecies, convincing ourselves of a reality and creating it with our actions. So how does this relate back to listening? Effectively, what I am telling you is that we are all fools, mired in our own internal worlds, and relatively convinced that others feel the same way we do. All of which stops us from actually hearing and believing what others say to us. Oh, and as a side note, if you can’t completely overcome the projection bias (and no one can), my advice is to use it strategically. If you work to approach life, and situations, with an open heart, kindness, and cautious optimism, you are going to be more likely to assume that others do too, which apart from making you feel better, could be related to seeing people actually come to act in those ways more when they are around you. Remarkable.
[Associate Professor Fiona Barlow]
Listening is hard enough.
But all of our problems with listening are also compounded because we have a pretty central
bias when it comes to understanding other people.
We assume that they feel the same way we do.
Freud coined the term ‘projection’ to refer to a clinical pattern he observed in
which clients assumed their therapists thought and felt the same way clients were thinking
and feeling about a situation or themselves (Maner et al., 2005).
Decades of research confirm that people make assumptions about how other people think and
feel, and often incorrectly assume that others’ thoughts and feelings mirror their own internal
states.
This is called projection bias In the realm of romantic relationships, research
shows that partners’ perceptions of one another are influenced by projection bias.
Kenny and Acitelli (2001) surveyed heterosexual couples about their own and their partner’s
feelings towards their relationship and families.
They found that projection biases were particularly apparent when measures were linked to the
relationship.
For example, if you assume your relationship is going well, you are likely to assume your
partner thinks that too, and vice versa.
Following Kenny and Acitelli, researchers have established that people project a range
of thoughts and feelings they have about their relationships onto their romantic partner.
When people feel less caring, less supportive, and less responsive towards their romantic
partner, they also assume their partner feels the same way towards them.
People in relationships who frequently feel a particular emotion, be it anger or happiness,
overestimate the extent to which their partner also feels that emotion.
If they rarely feel an emotion, they tend to underestimate their partner’s experience
of that emotion.
The same goes for their perceptions of emotional suppression.
The more people feel that they have to suppress emotions in the context of their relationship,
the more they assume that their partner is feeling a lot of things that they have to
suppress!
Parents also project their own parenting behaviour on to their spouses!
Those who view themselves as less responsive to their children also perceive their partners
to be less responsive to their children.
So why does having these projection biases matter?
Well, people who feel favourably about their partners and their relationship, tend to project
these positive feelings onto their partners, and in turn, tend to experience better relationship
outcomes.
On the other hand, people who feel unfavourably about their partners and their relationship,
tend to project these negative feelings onto their partners, and in turn, tend to experience
worse relationship outcomes.
Recently, a PhD student of mine (Alannah Hockey) and I investigated projection biases in romantic
relationships, specifically in regards to body image.
Across two studies we found that women who were more dissatisfied with their body assumed
their partner was dissatisfied too.
Women’s beliefs about what their partner felt went on to predict reduced relationship
and sexual satisfaction for them, as well as reduced relationship satisfaction for their
partner.
Here, body weight played a role.
The figure on this slide is a depiction of a structural equation model, and I put it
in to pique your curiosity, rather to read in detail.
It is pretty complex.
If you are interested, however, look at the row of boxes at the bottom of the diagram.
Basically, what our results indicated is that while larger women did not have partners who
were less attracted to them, they assumed they did, and the more convinced they were
of this, the less happy they and their partner were.
This study suggests that at times our reality is really shaped by our thoughts, and things
that we think really matter, like our size or appearance, matter less than the way that
we think about them.
The work on projection biases is also consistent with the idea that we can create self-fulfilling
prophecies, convincing ourselves of a reality and creating it with our actions.
So how does this relate back to listening?
Effectively, what I am telling you is that we are all fools, mired in our own internal
worlds, and relatively convinced that others feel the same way we do.
All of which stops us from actually hearing and believing what others say to us.
Oh, and as a side note, if you can’t completely overcome the projection bias (and no one can),
my advice is to use it strategically.
If you work to approach life, and situations, with an open heart, kindness, and cautious
optimism, you are going to be more likely to assume that others do too, which apart
from making you feel better, could be related to seeing people actually come to act in those
ways more when they are around you.
Remarkable.
End of transcript.
[Associate Professor Fiona Barlow] So we know that listening matters. It matters one hell of a lot. There is perhaps no aspect of life that listening doesn’t improve. People who are better listeners report: Better academic achievement Better work success Greater relationship satisfaction Better workplace relationships Better interpersonal or conversational abilities The list goes on In the typical style of academics much of what we know about listening comes from research looking at how much of our lectures students take in. But in this lecture, I am going to talk about interpersonal communication. When we are in conversations we not only need to listen, but we need to actually show people that we are listening. It doesn’t matter if someone is listening super attentively, we still won’t feel heard if they have their backs turned, or look like a chunk of stone. How do we let people know that we are listening? There are many options. I like nodding, for example. I am told I have a particularly dorky nod. But basically, listening requires us to both do it, and communicate that we are doing it. Three options we are going to talk about today are affirmatives (e.g., saying “OK”, “great”, “Yup”), paraphrasing (restating what your interaction partner said to you back to them), and active listening, which we’ll talk more about later on. In one study, Weger, Castle, and Emmett (2010) trained interviewers to respond to participants with either affirmatives (simple acknowledgement) or by paraphrasing, which is summing up what their conversation partner had said to them. They then measured the extent to which participants felt understood, were satisfied with the conversation, and were attracted to and liked the listener. The first thing to note is that all these elements were related. We like people more when we feel that they understand us. We are happier in conversations where we feel understood, and like the person we are talking to. The experimental manipulation only had an effect on liking though, which they called social attraction. Participants reported that they were more likely to want to be friends with the listener who paraphrased them. There were no significant effects on perceived understanding and conversational satisfaction. These are small effects, but a take home for me is that paraphrasing may help us remember what is being said in a conversation, and force us to listen (after all, we have to if we are going to sum it up). And it may have the side effect of making people like us a bit more. Pretty much a win for everyone. Work from this same group followed up the question a few years later. Again, they brought people into the lab, and had them have a “first encounter” with a confederate, that was trained to either simply acknowledge the person, engage in active listening, or respond with advice. So what is active listening you ask? Well, it involves paraphrasing, but it’s more than just that! It involves restating a paraphrased version of the speaker's message, asking questions when appropriate, and maintaining moderate to high nonverbal conversational involvement (Nodding for the win!). Again they measured the same outcomes as the previous study – perceived understanding, communication satisfaction, and social attraction. This time, people felt more understood and attracted by their partner, and satisfied with the conversation, in either the advice or active listening paradigms. With all this said, the confederate who engaged in active listening was rated the most favourably, especially when it came to making participants feel understood. Lots of people talk about the problem of talking to someone who purely offers advice. It can feel deeply unsatisfying to try and debrief with someone, only to get rained on with instructions about what to do. Sometimes you do want to be heard. But active listening is a pretty good substitute. People who listen well do tend to do better in life. If you want to make the person you’re communicating with feel heard, you need to engage in a bit of active listening. Repeat things back to them. Check that you’ve understood. But all of this chatter obscures the most important thing, that is, what we get out of conversations, and relationships. People are interesting, screwed up, awesome, hilarious, strange, vulnerable things. We can only learn about them, and ourselves, if we really listen. In an age where distraction is so easy, and tantalising – with one small movement we are on Netflix, or listening to a podcast, or scrolling through the words, and arguments, and opinions of strangers and celebrities. Even when we put down devices, the temptation to listen in a self-focused way, or to listen to argue back, is there. Paying attention to people in our lives is hard, but it is also inherently valuable. So please, as a practice in this class, put down your device, shelve your ego for a sec, and make an effort to better understand and really hear where others are coming from.
[Associate Professor Fiona Barlow]
So we know that listening matters.
It matters one hell of a lot.
There is perhaps no aspect of life that listening doesn’t improve.
People who are better listeners report:
Better academic achievement Better work success
Greater relationship satisfaction Better workplace relationships
Better interpersonal or conversational abilities The list goes on
In the typical style of academics much of what we know about listening comes from research
looking at how much of our lectures students take in.
But in this lecture, I am going to talk about interpersonal communication.
When we are in conversations we not only need to listen, but we need to actually show people
that we are listening.
It doesn’t matter if someone is listening super attentively, we still won’t feel heard
if they have their backs turned, or look like a chunk of stone.
How do we let people know that we are listening?
There are many options.
I like nodding, for example.
I am told I have a particularly dorky nod.
But basically, listening requires us to both do it, and communicate that we are doing
it.
Three options we are going to talk about today are affirmatives (e.g., saying “OK”, “great”,
“Yup”), paraphrasing (restating what your interaction partner said to you back to them),
and active listening, which we’ll talk more about later on.
In one study, Weger, Castle, and Emmett (2010) trained interviewers to respond to participants
with either affirmatives (simple acknowledgement) or by paraphrasing, which is summing up what their conversation partner had said to them.
They then measured the extent to which participants felt understood, were satisfied with the conversation,
and were attracted to and liked the listener.
The first thing to note is that all these elements were related.
We like people more when we feel that they understand us.
We are happier in conversations where we feel understood, and like the person we are talking
to.
The experimental manipulation only had an effect on liking though, which they called
social attraction.
Participants reported that they were more likely to want to be friends with the listener
who paraphrased them.
There were no significant effects on perceived understanding and conversational satisfaction.
These are small effects, but a take home for me is that paraphrasing may help us remember
what is being said in a conversation, and force us to listen (after all, we have to
if we are going to sum it up).
And it may have the side effect of making people like us a bit more.
Pretty much a win for everyone.
Work from this same group followed up the question a few years later.
Again, they brought people into the lab, and had them have a “first encounter” with
a confederate, that was trained to either simply acknowledge the person, engage in active
listening, or respond with advice.
So what is active listening you ask?
Well, it involves paraphrasing, but it’s more than just that!
It involves restating a paraphrased version of the speaker's message, asking questions
when appropriate, and maintaining moderate to high nonverbal conversational involvement
(Nodding for the win!).
Again they measured the same outcomes as the previous study – perceived understanding,
communication satisfaction, and social attraction.
This time, people felt more understood and attracted by their partner, and satisfied
with the conversation, in either the advice or active listening paradigms.
With all this said, the confederate who engaged in active listening was rated the most favourably,
especially when it came to making participants feel understood.
Lots of people talk about the problem of talking to someone who purely offers advice.
It can feel deeply unsatisfying to try and debrief with someone, only to get rained on
with instructions about what to do. Sometimes you do want to be heard. But active listening is a pretty good substitute.
People who listen well do tend to do better in life.
If you want to make the person you’re communicating with feel heard, you need to engage in a bit
of active listening.
Repeat things back to them.
Check that you’ve understood.
But all of this chatter obscures the most important thing, that is, what we get out
of conversations, and relationships.
People are interesting, screwed up, awesome, hilarious, strange, vulnerable things.
We can only learn about them, and ourselves, if we really listen.
In an age where distraction is so easy, and tantalising – with one small movement we
are on Netflix, or listening to a podcast, or scrolling through the words, and arguments,
and opinions of strangers and celebrities.
Even when we put down devices, the temptation to listen in a self-focused way, or to listen
to argue back, is there.
Paying attention to people in our lives is hard, but it is also inherently valuable.
So please, as a practice in this class, put down your device, shelve your ego for a sec,
and make an effort to better understand and really hear where others are coming from.
End of Transcript.
Start of transcript. Skip to the end. Effective communication is more than just listening – there are skills that you can develop to make yourself a better conversational partner, and a better communicator in general. For some people, this process is probably pretty effortless. You might just “get” communication, and the content of this lecture really just describes stuff you already do. For many of us, however, developing conversational skills is like learning parkour, or becoming a master woodworker. We need to effortfully learn and practice them. In this video we are going to talk about five conversational skills; these are rewarding and reinforcing, questioning, reflecting, self-disclosure, and explaining. We often talk to others to get rewards, sometimes these are objective rewards, someone offers us help on an assignment, or carries heavy things when we move house but most of the time they are psychological. People like people who say “yes!” and “that’s great” and “I agree” when we are talking, and nod to show that they are engaged. These are these skills that demonstrate listening, but more broadly make us an attractive communication partner. There is just heaps of evidence for this. For example, Children who are popular tend to be those that are rewarding (Erwin, 1993). Lonely college students tend to be those that are less attentive to others . Now of course this also means the converse is true. People who do not offer social rewards are more likely to be perceived as cold, bored, or boring. There is that banal saying: “Interested is interesting”. It may sound trite, but like many trite sayings, is also true. Psychological rewards are often pretty unsubtle – taking the form of praise. For example, kids like, trust, and are satisfied with teachers more when they praise them. and the same is true for other relationships e.g. marriages. Now, it is important to remember that Praise is only good if appropriate, and importantly, genuine. There is evidence to suggest that people who lavish false interest and compliments are suspected (what are they after? Why are they doing this?) and liked less. Unless you are a very good actor, and most of us aren’t, you should not pile on fake praise. There are also things that stop us from offering actual praise when we want to. We get concerned that the person we are praising will think that we are over the top, we feel that in praising someone we make ourselves vulnerable, or we feel uncomfortable and embarrassed when offering compliments. Some researchers conceptualise embarrassment as resulting from the unwanted exposure of the self and maybe compliments expose us. My best friend, Brendan, is a good example of this. He feels a relatively full scope of positive emotion, but finds it hard to put it into words. I think it was about a decade into our friendship, and I was chatting to him, and I told him how much it meant to me to have him in my life. He said: “Yes, of course, I feel the same way, but let’s not talk about it ever again”. I realised that over the course of our friendship he had praised me very little. Don’t get me wrong, he does lots of things that show me that he cares, and is interested – he nails listening. Whenever I break up a dogfight and get badly bitten (happens more than you might expect) I always call him to drive me to the hospital. So he is a good friend. But, Brendan says that the moment that he starts complimenting someone, it feels insincere to him. So he chooses just to think of compliments. But the problem is, that if we don’t say them, our friend, partner, or the person we are talking to, is likely not aware of them. Others can’t read our minds, and we commit a fatal error when we assume that they can. Reinforcers are a particular form of rewards, where we encourage someone and show them that we approve, or want them to keep going. Reinforcers can be verbal (“keep going” “you are doing a great job” “I want to know more!”) or non verbal (patting someone on the back, nodding leaning in), and in many cases are pretty indistinguishable from rewards, which is why these two skills are grouped together. Behaviour that is rewarded and reinforced is more likely to be continued, in line with classic studies on conditioning. If you like someone, and want them to keep talking to you, or even become your friend, reinforcers can help. The next skill we are going to talk about is questioning. Hawkins and Power stated: “To ask a question is to apply one of the most powerful tools in communication/ Questions are at the heart of most interpersonal encounters.” We ask questions as teachers, doctors, parents, lovers, friends, adults, and children. We learn and get information from the answers, but often the demonstration of interest that asking a question brings is as important as getting the information itself. There are two main types of questions that you have probably heard of – closed vs. open questions. Closed questions elicit a single piece of information – yes or no, or what someone chooses, or where they are from, for example. Open questions, on the other hand, allow people to riff – you might ask someone: "what are your thoughts about the 50 shades of gray phenomenon”, and they’re off. Neither type is inherently superior to one another – you need to use closed questions in certain situations (“Which wire should I cut to defuse the bomb?”) whereas open questions are right for others. One thing that we do know is that open questions result in more information. In studies of counselling for example, counsellers who ask more open vs. closed questions prompt greater client self-disclosure and more accurate responses. People also perceive their counsellors as more empathetic when they ask more open-ended questions. If there is a silence after we ask a question, many of us feel compelled to “jump in” to keep the conversation going. This is generally a poor choice. Pausing both before and after asking a question gets the best response, it encourages and allows people to talk. Next, there's reflecting. This important skill in conversation shows people that you are listening to them, and can involve paraphrasing, or repeating, or you know, reflecting on some information that they have given you in a conversation. Work in the clinical arena shows that clients/patients report that reflecting is one of the most useful skills that therapists employ. Indeed, they reported that this helped them become more in tune with their experiences, and that this reflection actually led to greater insight and less anxiety. When contrasting questions and reflections, both can result in self disclosure, with a small amount of evidence that reflection might be particularly important for women . Everything that we have discussed so far concerns getting to know other people. But in true communication, we also need to allow others to know us. Sharing of ourselves, of who we are, and what we think, is critical if we are to truly communicate, or know someone. This is called self-disclosure. But for me, and maybe you as well, actually revealing who I am to people feels sort of scary. Opening up makes you vulnerable. When I was younger, I even had a trick to avoid self-disclosure. I would reveal something seemingly personal, to give the appearance of candour, while still trying to keep my tiny, delicate little heart walled off. But this is not how we should do things, in part because it is no way to live, and in part because the data doesn’t support this approach! Meta analyses reveal that (a) People who engage in intimate disclosures tend to be liked more than people who disclose at lower levels, (b) people disclose more to those whom they initially like, and (c) people like others as a result of having disclosed to them. Of course there are caveats – intimate self-disclosure to strangers is seen as more maladjusted and inappropriate than the same disclosures to friends, and over-disclosure on Facebook, especially when it concerns relationship drama, is seen as inappropriate. Overall, however, to really connect to people we need to share ourselves, and not just ask others to share with us. Finally, there is explaining. This basically does what it says on the box, but again, it’s often not easy. It is important for us to get our messages across clearly, and a large part of that is done through actually giving information about what we think, what we know, what we need someone else to do, and why we feel and do things. Again, this can feel quite effortful; The issue of explanation is dealt with more in conflict and criticism, as well as public speaking. Broadly, however, much like in the case of praise, people can’t know what you know unless you take the time to explain it to them. Good communicators reward and reinforce their conversational partner (or even audience), and use questions and reflecting to draw out information, and fully engage. They also share themselves, through disclosure and explanation. Together, these skills are at the foundation of communication. End of transcript.Start of transcript. Skip to the end.
Effective communication is more than just listening – there are skills that you can
develop to make yourself a better conversational partner, and a better communicator in general.
For some people, this process is probably pretty effortless.
You might just “get” communication, and the content of this lecture really just describes
stuff you already do.
For many of us, however, developing conversational skills is like learning parkour, or becoming
a master woodworker.
We need to effortfully learn and practice them.
In this video we are going to talk about five conversational skills; these are rewarding
and reinforcing, questioning, reflecting, self-disclosure, and explaining.
We
often talk to others to get rewards, sometimes these are objective rewards, someone offers
us help on an assignment, or carries heavy things when we move house but most of the
time they are psychological.
People like people who say “yes!” and “that’s great” and “I agree” when
we are talking, and nod to show that they are engaged.
These are these skills that demonstrate listening, but more broadly make us an attractive communication
partner.
There is just heaps of evidence for this.
For example,
Children who are popular tend to be those that are rewarding (Erwin, 1993).
Lonely college students tend to be those that are less attentive to others
.
Now of course this also means the converse is true.
People who do not offer social rewards are more likely to be perceived as cold, bored,
or boring.
There is that banal saying: “Interested is interesting”.
It may sound trite, but like many trite sayings, is also true.
Psychological rewards are often pretty unsubtle – taking the form of praise.
For example, kids like, trust, and are satisfied with teachers more when they praise them.
and the same is true for other relationships e.g. marriages.
Now, it is important to remember that
Praise is only good if appropriate, and importantly, genuine.
There is evidence to suggest that people who lavish false interest and compliments are
suspected (what are they after?
Why are they doing this?) and liked less.
Unless you are a very good actor, and most of us aren’t, you should not pile on fake
praise.
There are also things that stop us from offering actual praise when we want to.
We get concerned that the person we are praising will think that we are over the top, we feel
that in praising someone we make ourselves vulnerable, or we feel uncomfortable and embarrassed
when offering compliments.
Some researchers conceptualise embarrassment as resulting from the unwanted exposure of
the self and maybe compliments expose us.
My best friend, Brendan, is a good example of this.
He feels a relatively full scope of positive emotion, but finds it hard to put it into
words.
I think it was about a decade into our friendship, and I was chatting to him, and I told him
how much it meant to me to have him in my life.
He said: “Yes, of course, I feel the same way, but let’s not talk about it ever again”.
I realised that over the course of our friendship he had praised me very little.
Don’t get me wrong, he does lots of things that show me that he cares, and is interested
– he nails listening.
Whenever I break up a dogfight and get badly bitten (happens more than you might expect)
I always call him to drive me to the hospital.
So he is a good friend.
But, Brendan says that the moment that he starts complimenting someone, it feels insincere
to him.
So he chooses just to think of compliments.
But the problem is, that if we don’t say them, our friend, partner, or the person we
are talking to, is likely not aware of them.
Others can’t read our minds, and we commit a fatal error when we assume that they can.
Reinforcers are a particular form of rewards, where we encourage someone and show them that
we approve, or want them to keep going.
Reinforcers can be verbal (“keep going” “you are doing a great job” “I want
to know more!”)
or non verbal (patting someone on the back, nodding leaning in),
and in many cases are pretty indistinguishable from rewards, which is why
these two skills are grouped together.
Behaviour that is rewarded and reinforced is more likely to be continued, in line with
classic studies on conditioning.
If you like someone, and want them to keep talking to you, or even become your friend,
reinforcers can help.
The next skill we are going to talk about is questioning.
Hawkins and Power stated: “To ask a question is to apply one of the most powerful tools
in communication/ Questions are at the heart of most interpersonal encounters.”
We ask questions as teachers, doctors, parents, lovers, friends, adults, and children.
We learn and get information from the answers, but often the demonstration of interest that
asking a question brings is as important as getting the information itself.
There are two main types of questions that you have probably heard of – closed vs.
open questions.
Closed questions elicit a single piece of information – yes or no, or what someone
chooses, or where they are from, for example.
Open questions, on the other hand, allow people to riff – you might ask someone: "what
are your thoughts about the 50 shades of gray phenomenon”, and they’re off.
Neither type is inherently superior to one another – you need to use closed questions
in certain situations (“Which wire should I cut to defuse the bomb?”)
whereas open questions are right for others.
One thing that we do know is that open questions result in more information.
In studies of counselling for example, counsellers who ask more open vs. closed questions prompt
greater client self-disclosure and more accurate responses.
People also perceive their counsellors as more empathetic when they ask more open-ended
questions.
If there is a silence after we ask a question, many of us feel compelled to “jump in”
to keep the conversation going.
This is generally a poor choice.
Pausing both before and after asking a question gets the best response, it encourages and
allows people to talk.
Next, there's reflecting. This important skill in conversation shows people that you are listening to them,
and can involve paraphrasing, or repeating, or you know, reflecting on some information
that they have given you in a conversation.
Work in the clinical arena shows that clients/patients report that reflecting is one of the most
useful skills that therapists employ.
Indeed, they reported that this helped them become more in tune with their experiences,
and that this reflection actually led to greater insight and less anxiety.
When contrasting questions and reflections, both can result in self disclosure, with a
small amount of evidence that reflection might be particularly important for women
.
Everything that we have discussed so far concerns getting to know other people.
But in true communication, we also need to allow others to know us.
Sharing of ourselves, of who we are, and what we think, is critical if we
are to truly communicate, or know someone.
This is called self-disclosure.
But for me, and maybe you as well, actually revealing who I am to people feels sort of
scary.
Opening up makes you vulnerable.
When I was younger, I even had a trick to avoid self-disclosure.
I would reveal something seemingly personal, to give the appearance of candour, while still
trying to keep my tiny, delicate little heart walled off.
But this is not how we should do things, in part because it is no way to live, and in
part because the data doesn’t support this approach!
Meta analyses reveal that (a) People who engage in intimate disclosures
tend to be liked more than people who disclose at lower levels,
(b) people disclose more to those whom they initially like, and
(c) people like others as a result of having disclosed to them.
Of course there are caveats – intimate self-disclosure to strangers is seen as more maladjusted and
inappropriate than the same disclosures to friends,
and over-disclosure on Facebook, especially when it concerns relationship drama, is seen
as inappropriate.
Overall, however, to really connect to people we need to share ourselves, and not just ask
others to share with us.
Finally, there is explaining.
This basically does what it says on the box, but again, it’s often not easy.
It is important for us to get our messages across clearly, and a large part of that is
done through actually giving information about what we think, what we know, what we need
someone else to do, and why we feel and do things.
Again, this can feel quite effortful; The issue of explanation is dealt with more in
conflict and criticism, as well as public speaking.
Broadly, however, much like in the case of praise, people can’t know what you know
unless you take the time to explain it to them.
Good communicators reward and reinforce their conversational partner (or even audience),
and use questions and reflecting to draw out information, and fully engage.
They also share themselves, through disclosure and explanation.
Together, these skills are at the foundation of communication.
End of transcript.