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🕰 History of Love

• Modern Western view: love = essential for marriage

• Historically, marriage = economic, political, or family arrangement

• Ancient Greece: love seen as madness; admired platonic love

• Ancient Egypt/Rome: marriage for alliances, children, status

• Middle Ages: “courtly love” = idealized, nonsexual, often adulterous devotion

• 1700s–1800s: passion seen as dangerous or fleeting

• Modern era: love + marriage linked recently

• Shift due to:

  • Rise of individualism

  • Economic independence (especially for women)

  • Decline of arranged marriages

🌎 Cultural Views of Love

• Love as madness

• Love as noble and spiritual

• Love and marriage intertwined

• Love as doomed or tragic

• Love as fulfilling partnership

• Same-sex or nonsexual love

• Love unrelated to marriage

❤ Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

Three Components:

• Intimacy → closeness, trust, emotional connection

• Passion → sexual attraction, excitement, physical desire

• Commitment → decision to stay and invest long term

Combinations create different loves:

• Nonlove → none of the three (strangers)

• Liking → only intimacy (friends)

• Infatuation → only passion (crush)

• Empty love → only commitment (arranged or stagnant relationship)

• Romantic love → intimacy + passion (dating stage)

• Companionate love → intimacy + commitment (long-term friendship or marriage)

• Fatuous love → passion + commitment (whirlwind romance)

• Consummate love → all three; ideal but hard to maintain

🧠 Biological / Physiological Perspective

Helen Fisher’s 3 Systems:

• Lust → sex hormones drive mating (testosterone, estrogen)

• Attraction → dopamine and norepinephrine create excitement, euphoria, focus on one partner

• Attachment → oxytocin and vasopressin build long-term bond and security

Notes:

• Lust and attraction activate different brain areas than attachment

• Passion fades fastest; intimacy and commitment grow more slowly and last longer

💞 Romantic / Passionate Love

Traits:

• Intense desire and emotion

• High arousal and idealization

• Obsession, intrusive thoughts

• Often early in relationships

Two-Factor Theory of Love (Hatfield & Berscheid):

• Love = physiological arousal + labeling it as love for a specific person

• Arousal can come from fear, excitement, laughter, etc.

• Misattribution of arousal = increased attraction

Example:

• Shaky Bridge Study (Dutton & Aron, 1974) → men on scary bridge felt more attraction to woman interviewer due to arousal misattribution

Decline Over Time:

• Passion naturally decreases with familiarity and routine

• Intimacy and commitment can grow stronger and replace passion with deep connection

Is Romantic Love an Emotion?

• Debate remains whether romantic love qualifies as a true emotion (Lamy, 2016).

• Emotions = short, organized responses with physiological changes + distinct behavioral patterns (Keltner et al., 2019).

• Romantic love:

  • Involves strong feelings, motives, commitment.

  • Promotes focus + attachment to a specific partner → evolutionary reproductive advantage (Fletcher et al., 2015).

  • Activates reward regions of the brain (dopamine) but less specific than other emotions (Cacioppo, 2019).

  • Has diffuse effects, not localized brain activation.

• Behaviorally visible: smiling, nodding, closeness (Gonzaga et al., 2006).

• Hard to “reignite” on command → less controllable than other emotions (Aron, 2010).

• Most scientists view it as a mood with motives, not a discrete emotion (Diamond, 2014).

• Key takeaway: Romantic love = diffuse, enduring mood; not a quick emotional event.

🧠 Cognitive Aspects of Romantic Love

• Love Scale (Rubin, 1973): measures intimacy, dependence, and caring.

  • Intimacy → openness, trust, communication.

  • Dependence → longing + need for partner.

  • Caring → desire to ensure partner’s well-being.

• Liking Scale → appreciation based on respect, admiration, similarity.

• Love vs. Liking:

  • Love = intense, passionate, selfless & selfish mix.

  • Liking = calm admiration and friendship.

• "Love is blind":

  • Lovers idealize partners → ignore flaws (Goodwin et al., 2002).

  • Men rated poor-quality work higher when romantic interest existed.

• Self-expansion theory (Aron & Aron):

  • Falling in love expands one’s identity, roles, and experiences.

  • Boosts self-esteem & self-concept (Aron et al., 1995).

  • Over time, routine reduces self-expansion and passion.

❤ Romantic Love

• Combines intimacy + passion (Triangular Theory of Love).

• Fueled by emotion, imagination, and idealization.

• Associated with dopamine → reward and pleasure.

• Focuses attention on one partner, reducing temptation toward others (Maner et al., 2008).

🤝 Companionate Love

• Combination of intimacy + commitment.

• Characterized by:

  • Deep friendship, affection, trust, laughter, and mutual respect (Grote & Frieze, 1994).

  • “My spouse is my best friend” = most common reason for long marriages (Lauer & Lauer, 1985).

• Friendship-Based Love Scale (Grote & Frieze, 1994):

  • Measures affection, companionship, and shared activities.

  • Correlates more with satisfaction and longevity than passion-based scales.

• Physiological basis:

  • Driven by oxytocin (not dopamine).

  • Promotes bonding, calmness, and reduced stress (Diamond, 2014).

  • Released during childbirth, breastfeeding, and orgasm.

  • Higher oxytocin = warmer communication, higher marital satisfaction (Gouin et al., 2010).

💞 Compassionate Love

• Combines intimacy + caring (Fehr et al., 2014).

• Defined by empathy, selflessness, and sacrifice.

• Compassionate Love Scale (Sprecher & Fehr, 2005):

  • Concern for partner’s well-being.

  • Willingness to suffer for partner’s happiness.

• Compassionate acts (Reis et al., 2014):

  • Doing something special for partner.

  • Expressing tenderness + understanding.

  • Modifying plans for partner’s sake.

• Giving compassionate love improves both partners’ mood and satisfaction (Reis et al., 2017).

• Compassionate love = accurate awareness of partner’s flaws + deep acceptance (Neff & Karney, 2009).

• Key for long-term relationships, especially through hardship or illness (Berscheid, 2010).

🧩 Summary: 3 Main Types of Love

Styles of Loving (John Alan Lee, 1988)

• Six love styles based on intensity, commitment, and expectations:

  • Eros – passionate, physical attraction, love at first sight.

  • Ludus – playful, uncommitted, “love is a game.”

  • Storge – friendship-based, grows slowly into love.

  • Mania – obsessive, possessive, jealous.

  • Agape – selfless, giving, altruistic love.

  • Pragma – practical, logical, seeks compatibility.

• Eros + Agape = linked to high intimacy, passion, commitment.

• Ludus = negatively linked to satisfaction and genuine love.

• Men tend to score higher on Ludus; women higher on Storge and Pragma.

• Partners often pair with people who share similar love styles.

Unrequited Love

• Loving someone who doesn’t love you back (experienced by 80–90% of people).

• Causes:

  • Overestimating how much we’re liked.

  • Hoping love will be returned later.

  • Attraction and perceived potential reward.

• Painful for both sides:

  • The pursuer feels rejection.

  • The target feels guilt and discomfort.

Cultural Differences in Love

• Romantic love exists universally.

• Americans: value similarity, appearance, and idealized romance.

• Chinese: emphasize personality, social approval, and practicality.

• Western (individualistic) cultures → marry for love.

• Eastern (collectivist) cultures → family influence stronger.

• Romantic fantasies stronger in the West; realism stronger in the East.

Attachment Styles and Love

• Secure: open, trusting, intimate, committed, effective caregiver.

• Avoidant: distant, mistrustful, less passion and intimacy.

• Anxious: emotional highs/lows, fear of abandonment, dramatic passion.

• Secure = higher levels of intimacy, passion, commitment, caring.

• Insecure = lower relationship satisfaction and stability.

Age and Love

• Older adults experience less intense but more positive emotions.

• Passion decreases; companionship and calm affection increase.

Gender Differences

• Men and women experience love similarly overall.

• Men: fall in love faster, believe in love at first sight, value passion more, often say “I love you” first.

• Women: more selective, cautious, value commitment and stability more.

• Men’s satisfaction tied to passion; women’s to commitment.

Does Love Last?

• Romantic love typically fades after marriage.

• Passion declines faster than intimacy or commitment.

• Reasons:

  • Loss of fantasy: reality replaces idealization.

  • Loss of novelty: routine replaces excitement (Coolidge effect).

  • Reduced arousal: body and brain adapt to familiarity.

• Sexual frequency and excitement decline over time, but intimacy can grow.

So, What Does the Future Hold? (Love Over Time)

• Romantic love decreases over time due to loss of fantasy, novelty, and arousal(Walster & Walster, 1978).

• 40% of long-term married Americans (10+ years) still report being intensely in love, but less than when newly married (O’Leary et al., 2012).

• Sexual satisfaction drops: only 55% of women and 43% of men satisfied with sex lives after years together (Frederick et al., 2017).

• Neuroscience: Long-term lovers still activate dopamine reward centers, but also activate commitment and monogamy brain areas (Cacioppo, 2019).

• Obsession fades, but caring and desire can remain (Acevedo & Aron, 2009).

• Passion = least stable component of love → declines most over decades.

• Key advice: Like your partner as much as you love them.

How Love Changes & Survives

• Passion declines, but intimacy and commitment increase with age (Ahmetoglu et al., 2010).

• Companionate love (deep friendship, shared life) is more stable than romantic love (Sprecher & Regan, 1998).

• Happy, long-term couples usually show strong companionate love (Lauer & Lauer, 1985).

• Companionate love = satisfying and linked to genuine happiness (Hecht et al., 1994).

• Intimacy and passion are correlated → being good friends helps keep passion alive (Whitley, 1993).

Avoiding Boredom & Keeping Passion Alive

• Boredom (not conflict) kills relationships (Harasymchuk & Fehr, 2013).

• Boredom = no novelty or challenge, leads to dissatisfaction (Tsapelas et al., 2009).

• Solution: Create novelty and excitement.

  • Try new, fun, even silly activities together → increases desire & satisfaction (Muise et al., 2019).

  • Example: Eating popcorn with chopsticks (O’Brien & Smith, 2019).

  • Novel, self-expanding activities can rekindle passion (Raposo et al., 2020).

Takeaway / Game Plan

• Don’t build relationships solely on passion — it fades.

• Choose a partner who’s also a best friend.

• Keep love alive through creativity, novelty, and shared growth.

• Expect passion to mellow into deep affection and companionship — the mark of lasting love.

• Bottom line: Happy lovers nurture friendship, invite adventure, and actively keep love fresh.