Feedback and Recommendations on Paper One
Feedback on Paper One
General Impressions
Mrs. Owen expresses satisfaction with the paper's overall quality.
Appreciation for Chloe's insights into the topic.
Recognition of the effort put into the work.
Key Strengths
Source Credibility:
National Geographic is noted for its credibility as a source of scientific and nature-based documentaries and articles.
Chloe effectively captures the ethos associated with National Geographic.
Use of Quotes:
The second body paragraph contains relevant quotes.
However, more analysis of these quotes is required for deeper engagement with the content.
Structural Observations:
Chloe discusses the plain structure of National Geographic articles, which effectively emphasizes the main concern of the reader.
Lack of symbols, advertisements, or hyperlinks noted; this minimalism serves a purpose.
Links and Call to Action:
Analysis includes a mention of few hyperlinks, specifically simple ones like Facebook.
The concept of motivating readers to share the article is recognized as a solid point.
Target Audience Identification:
Initially, the target audience is described vaguely.
Final statement clarifies it is global, targeting individuals already concerned about environmental issues.
Understanding the audience as those who seek out specific information on consequences and scientific data enhances the paper.
Areas for Improvement
Analysis Depth:
Need for deeper analysis of quotes, focusing on elements that create urgency, imagery, and tone.
Highlight how these aspects relate to the overarching purpose of educating readers and inciting action.
Quote Analysis Suggestions:
Identify specific elements in the quotes that contribute to the paper’s effectiveness:
Urgency created by language.
Imagery presented through word choice.
Organization Issues:
Some confusion regarding the focus of body paragraphs:
First body paragraph's topic felt unclear—was it about credibility or scientific terms?
Should clarify the transition between ethos and address of scientific language.
Suggestion to break long paragraphs into shorter ones for clarity and ease of reading; shorter paragraphs improve organization and readability.
Additional Quotes Needed:
Requirement for more direct quotations throughout the paper.
Specifically, analysis on language choices and their impact.
Authorial Choices:
Example mentioned: the use of alliteration in phrases like "far-flung feature" should be explained to illustrate the author's style and intent.
Final Comments
Overall positive feedback; Chloe is encouraged to continue developing her insights.
Suggested adjustments for length and quote analysis to enhance clarity and depth.
Emphasis on maintaining current insights while deepening analytical elements.
How to Fix Mistakes
Analysis Depth:
Deepen the analysis of quotes by focusing on elements that create urgency, imagery, and tone.
Highlight how these specific aspects of the quotes relate to the overarching purpose of educating readers and inciting action.
Quote Analysis:
Identify and explain specific elements within the quotes that contribute to the paper’s effectiveness, such as:
The urgency created by particular language choices.
The imagery presented through specific word choice.
Organization Issues:
Clarify the focus of body paragraphs to avoid confusion (e.g., ensure the first body paragraph's topic is clearly defined as credibility or scientific terms).
Improve the transition between discussions of ethos and scientific language.
Break long paragraphs into shorter ones to enhance clarity, organization, and readability.
Additional Quotes:
Include more direct quotations throughout the paper.
Specifically, provide more analysis of the author's language choices and their impact.
Authorial Choices:
Explain examples of authorial choices, such as the use of alliteration in phrases like "far-flung feature," to illustrate the author's style and intent.