Les fourberies de Scapin 

TEST: LES FOURBERIES DE SCAPIN

SUMMARY:

ACT 1:

Octave is freaking out to Sylvestre because his dad, Argante, is coming home way earlier than he expected, and he’s also bringing a girl from Tarente for him to marry. One problem: Octave’s already married. He’s crying to Sylvestre about all of this when Scapin pulls up and is like, “omg what’s wrong?” Octave’s like, “Dude, you have to help me,” and tells him all about what he’s been up to since his dad’s been gone on a business trip with his friend Leandre’s dad: Leandre meets this girl named Zerbinette and falls in love with her. Octave is lowkey annoyed at how in love Leandre is, but he tags along to see her anyways. One day, when they’re going to see her, they hear crying. Octave lets curiosity get the better of him and they go to find the source of the crying. They find a girl, Hyacinth, crying over her dead mother and Octave is like, “Wow, Leandre, I get it now” and he marries her after only three days. Now, his dad’s coming back and Octave is omg so scared. Scapin slut shames him for a second but ultimately agrees to help them.

Hyacinthe hears that Argante is coming back and is worried that Octave is going to fall out of love with her.

Argante gets home and starts talking to himself, but little does he know Scapin’s right there. He somehow knows that Octave got married (omg scandalous) and is really not happy. Scapin’s doing this funny thing where whenever Argante says something, he answers, but not loud enough for Argante to hear (it’s not really funny but whatever). Anyways, he notices Scapin and gets super mad at him for letting his son get married without his consent and Scapin’s like “omg no, it’s not what it looks like, Octave was forced to marry her!!!…. But also don’t make them break up because that would be so embarrassing for Octave.” Argante also reveals at the end of Scene 4, that he has a daughter that was separated from him (for some reason, he’s really cryptic. He talks about the sky or something).

Scapin’s wheels are turning and he’s like “how do I fix this for my main man, Octave?”. He enlists the help of Sylvestre, who will dress like a “mean boy” (JB Poquelin’s words, not mine) to try to get money from the dads.

ACT 2:

So Geronte and Argante are having a little chit chat and Geronte fully tells Argante that he’s a bad dad and raised his son wrong because of what Octave did (married Hyacinthe without telling him).  But then Argante turns the tables around and insinuates (not subtly) that Leandre literally did the exact same thing as Octave and that he learned about this from Scapin. So then Geronte and Leandre reunite and Leandre is all like omg hey papa I love you how’s it hanging and tries to hug him and Geronte is like fuck off I know what you did. Then Leandre tries to act all innocent like wydm I didn’t do anything while you were gone …  And then Geronte is like Scapin told me everything (which he didn’t it was Argante) and you suck I’m disowning you and Leandres all sad.

So then Leandre goes up to Scapin and Octave and is all like wtf Scapin you told my dad time to get BEAT and Scapin is like hunh and Octave is being a pick me and being like STOP this isn’t you and goes in between them to stop them from fighting. So then Leandre is all like CONFESS and then Scapin lists a bunch of OTHER fucked up stuff he did like he drank Leandre’s fancy wine from Spain and then refilled the bottle with water, that he stole Leandre’s watch that he was supposed to give to Zerbinette but he told Leandre he was robbed lmao, and last of all (my personal favourite) Scapin is like well you know that uhm werewolf that would hit you with a stick a bunch of times while you were sleeping and that would happen for like 6 MONTHS, uh yeah that was uhm actually me lol. Leandre is all like wtf thats so fucked but like what about what you said to my dad? And Scapin is like uh I have not seen that guy since he got back my dude.

Suddenly this guy Carle shows up and is like Leandre! The Egyptians are kidnapping Zerbinette and they want you to pay them for her back in 2 hours! So then Leandre is all like omg Scapin so sorry about earlier uhm can you help me out? At first Scapin is all petty and rubbing it in but then he’s like okay i'll help, I need 500 ecus and 200 pistolets and I need to trick y’alls dads into handing it over.

So Scapin runs into Argante while Argante is ranting about Octave and his stupid marriage and Scapin is like wellll I just talked to Octaves wifes (Hyacinthe) brother and he says he’ll annul the marriage if you give him 200 pistolets and then Scapin switches up and asks for 300 pistolets but Argante is like hell no. But anyways yeah Scapin fools him and gets all his guns

Then in scene 4 Sylvestre is disguised as a “spadassin” and is pretending to be Hyacinthes brother and is all like I wanna kill Argante, and Argante is there hidden thinking oh shit. So when Sylvestre leaves Argante is like TAKE MY MONEY SCAPIN OMG I DONT WANNA DIE and Scapin is like okay if you say so.

So next …  Scapin runs into Geronte and hes all like OMG OMG OMG LEANDRE GOT FUCKING KIDNAPPED BY SOME TURKISH GUYS IN A BOAT! And Geronte is like wtf. So Scapin explains that when him and Leandre were walking they got invited onto this boat for a party but then it got ugly and they stole Leandre and told Scapin to go get some money to get him back (all lies of course). And Scapins like they need 500 ecus dawg and you got 2 hours. So then geronte starts being all racist like fuck the turkish idk man and finally agrees and gives Scapin da money.

So thennnnnnnnn, Scapin meets back with Octave and Leandre, hands them all the goodies and is like love you broskis here you go. Plus he asks Leandre if he can pull a prank on Geronte later and Leandre’s like idgaf go ahead and Scapin is like hehehe booyah.

ACT 3:

Zerbinette and Hyacinthe become #bffs and they Girl Talk™ and Scapin and Sylvestre are like “Girlies, we got the monayyy”. Then, just for fun, Scapin decides to fuck with Geronte. He’s like, “bro, don’t freak out, but Zerbinette’s brother is trying to actually kill you.” So, he suggests what anyone would do if someone was trying to kill them: hide in a bag. He disguises his voice and pretends to be a whole bunch of different people and beats the shit out of Geronte. In the end, Geronte discovers that it was Scapin the whole time and he gets really embarrassed. This becomes a soft spot for Geronte (remember that for later).

Zerbinette walks on scene and sees Geronte (jumpscare) but she doesn’t know who he is. She talks shit about him right to his face, admitting to him how Scapin tricked him into giving him money (remember, the Turks and the boat?). The key word here is “quiproquo” which essentially means that she took him for someone else.

Sylvestre walks on and is like “you idiot, that was literally Geronte,” and Zerbinettes like, “oops… oh well.”

The dads link up again and are like “wow. We fucking hate Scapin.”

Geronte runs into this lady named Nerine who’s Hyacinthe’s nurse. He’s like, “where’s my daughter?” and Nerine’s like, “bro, she’s married.” And Geronte’s like, “to who?” and Nerine’s like, “this guy named Argants’ son” and Geronte is like GASP “NO BECAUSE THAT’S LITERALLY WHO I WANTED HER TO MARRY BRO.” (Remember, the dads wanted to marry Octave to a girl from Tarente and Hyacinthe is the girl from Tarente!!) ANYWAYS.

Geronte’s like, “okay, but I still think we should still annul Leandre and Zerbinette’s marriage because idk who she is.” (He lowkey calls her a whore, but we won’t talk about that). Hyacinthe is like, “No, bestie, I promise, my brother Leandre is like sooo in love with her.” And Geronte’s like, “No, she’s an “unknown girl”, we don’t know where she’s been.” (Again, Mr. Poqueline needs to chill out actually.)

So Leandre is having a chat with his daddio and he’s like listen Zerbinette might be some nobody but I love her like sooo much, it's not her fault she got kidnapped when she was 4 by some egyptians. And she has this bracelet from her parents that’ll help us figure out who they are! But then Argante sees the bracelet and he’s like OMG that is MY daughter and everyone is like GASP

Lmao then Carle (literally who tf is this dude anyways) walks in and he’s like sad face omg Scapin was taking a little stroll next to a building and a full on HAMMER comes and falls on this guys fucking head and his scull is like broken (his brain is literally coming out of his head) now yolo but anywyas do u guys wanna talk to him before hes like fully dead? And they're all like hell yeah.

Scapin is brought in on a stretcher carried by two guys (who by the way are random, idk how he convinced to random guys to carry him around, fake dying, but whatevs) and he’s moaning and groaning and is all like, “idk how I can die and rest peacefully knowing that yall hate me. *sad face*. Especially you, Geronte and Argante *eyebrow wiggle*.” Argante’s like, “mkay you’re dying, I forgive you.” Scapin’s like, “Here's my chance to embarrass the shit out of Geronte and he won’t be able to do anything about it because he thinks my brain is leaking out of my ears rn.” So he starts mentioning how he convinced him to climb in a bag and then beat him up MULTIPLE TIMEs (L) and Geronte’s like “haha stop you don’t have to mention that. I forgive you.” And Scapin’s like, “but I feel so bad because I made you climb in that bag.” and Geronte’s like “LITERALLY DUDE STOP OR I’LL KILL YOU ALL THE WAY.” But he gets extra salty and is like, “I’ll only forgive you if you die.” and Argante’s like, “Wow, Geronte, what an asshole thing to say.” And Geronte’s like, “you’re right nvm.”

And then they all forgive him, sort of, and he’s like okay go have dinner I’ll just be here waiting for death lol.

THE END

SCAPIN’S TRICKS (FOURBERIES):

  1. Lies to Argante, saying that Hyacinte’s family will annul the marriage if they get 200 pistols from him.
  2. Lies to Geronte, saying that Leandre was taken hostage by Turks who demand 500 ecus for his release.

^^These two are to get money to buy Zerbinette’s freedom

  1. Convinces Geronte that people are after him and that he should hide in a bag to avoid them. He pretends to be a whole bunch of different people by disguising his voice and beats Geronte in the bag.
  2. Steals fancy wine from Leandre and drinks it all.
  3. Steals Leandre’s watch.
  4. Pretends to be a werewolf or a ghost or something(?) and scares Leandre.
  5. Pretends to be dying to get Geronte and Argant’s forgiveness.