Abusive Men and Their Allies: Study Guide
The Nature and Impact of the Abuser’s Allies
Abusive men frequently recruit others to support their control and intimidation of their partners, often leaving the abused woman feeling isolated from her own support systems.
Real-World Experience Statements: - ‘I used to feel close to his mom, but now she seems to hate me.’ - ‘I can’t even call up our friends anymore, because they don’t want to get in the middle.’ - ‘Sometimes I feel like I must be the one who’s messed up, because my own family sides with him.’ - ‘I don’t bother to call the police when he gets scary, because he’s got buddies on the force who help him out.’ - ‘The custody evaluator reported to the court that I’m hysterical and that the children should live with him.’
Detailed Case Illustrations of External Collaborative Abuse
Case 1: Betrayal by Parents: A woman in hiding from her terrified husband is tracked down by him through her own parents. He visited them, cried, expressed remorse, and claimed he only wanted to send a letter to tell her how he feels. Her parents, believing his performance, gave him her secret address.
Case 2: Psychologist Misconduct: In an uncertified abuser program (denied by the state's Department of Public Health for regulatory violations), an abuser complained his girlfriend sometimes hit him back. The counselor, a licensed psychologist, encouraged the abuser to get a restraining order against the abused woman to use as a legal weapon.
Case 3: Family Betrayal in Court: During a custody battle involving explicit allegations of paternal sexual abuse of a daughter during visitation, the mother’s own sister arrived at court with the abuser. The sister claimed the allegations were lies and requested the judge give her custody instead of the mother. (The judge denied this, and subsequent evaluation confirmed the sexual abuse).
Case 4: Diagnosis Without Consultation: An abuser’s therapist assigned a psychological diagnosis to the abused woman without ever meeting or speaking to her, relying solely on the abuser's biased descriptions while knowing he was accused of abuse.
Case 5: The Custody Evaluator’s Negligence: A mother fled to a shelter after her house was vandalized by her ex-husband. She contacted the court-appointed custody evaluator to disclose her location. The evaluator سپس issued a report stating she had no reason to be afraid, omitted the fact she called from a shelter, and recommended the children (including a girl only years old) be given to the father. The mother was labeled a ‘flight risk’ and given only brief supervised visits.
Why the Abusive Man Seeks Allies
The Challenge of Control: Dominating a partner is difficult because few people willingly consent to having their rights denied. The abuser eventually tires of bullying the victim alone and seeks social reinforcement.
Impediments to Abuse: - Changes in societal attitudes and laws (e.g., increased likelihood of arrest compared to or years ago). - Availability of court orders and shelters. - Breaking the silence through interventions from friends or professionals.
Motivations for Recruitment: - Strategic isolation: Winning people to his side prevents them from being on her side. - Perceived Victimhood: The abuser feels he deserves allies because he views himself as the true victim. - Escaping Guilt/Shame: He seeks validation to relieve nagging self-doubt and treats guilt as a ‘weakness to be overcome.’ - Self-Delusion: Narcissistic abusers often believe their own fabrications, which is why lie-detector tests are often unreliable in these cases.
Question 16: How Come So Many People Side With Him?
The potential list of agents is long: friends, relatives, teachers, psychologists, clergy, police, judges, and new partners.
The Role of the Abuser’s Relatives
Family Loyalty and Denial: No one wants to believe their son or brother is abusive. Parents often feel that acknowledging his behavior would be an admission of their own parenting failure.
Intergenerational Cycles: Abusive men are times more likely than nonabusers to come from homes where the father/stepfather abused the mother.
Shared Attitudes: If the father was also abusive, he likely shares the son’s entitled, victim-blaming attitudes.
Collective Denial: Relatives may see a woman ‘overreacting’ in public to triggers they don't understand, as they are unaware of the abuse happening behind closed doors.
Targeting the Abused Woman’s Relatives and Friends
Exploiting Family Rifts: Abusers use manipulative skills to widen existing tensions within the woman’s family.
Example of Ian and Tina: Ian exploited Tina’s fallout with her parents regarding church attendance. He began attending their church, sat near them, and ‘coincidentally’ discussed his concerns about Tina’s ‘loss of faith,’ while lies about her drinking and dating habits to turn a minor tiff into a major conflict.
Subtle Poisoning: Abusers avoid overt ‘bad-mouthing’ and instead plant ‘poisonous seeds.’ They might admit to a minor incident (e.g., ‘I slapped her once’) but frame it as a response to her being ‘rude’ or ‘insulting,’ playing on the societal myth that abuse is a mutual dynamic where it ‘takes two to tango.’
The Psychological and Evaluative Context
The Freudian Legacy: - In the , Freud initially identified child sexual abuse as a root of emotional disturbance (paper: ‘The Aetiology of Hysteria’). - Due to social pressure, he recanted and proposed the Oedipus Complex, suggesting children ‘fantasy’ about sexual contact with parents. - This established a -year history of blaming victims and discrediting women’s reports.
Modern Therapeutic Failures: - Some influential custody professionals still promote ‘mutual seduction’ theories or claim women provoke violence by ‘resisting control.’ - Graduate training programs for clinical/counseling psychology often lack mandatory courses on abuse.
Custody Evaluators: Frequently treat all problems as ‘mutual in origin,’ label women as ‘hysterical,’ and ignore evidence of battering.
Counter-Movement Practitioners: Mentioned experts who take trauma seriously include Judith Herman, Bessel van der Kolk, Peter Jaffe, Angela Browne, John Myers, Susan Schechter, Anna Salter, and Beverly James.
The Abuser’s New Partner as His Leading Ally
Role Recreation: The abuser uses the same ‘loving and attentive’ dynamic from the early stages of a relationship to win over a new partner (example: Paul and Laura).
The Victim Narrative: He tells the new partner the ex-wife is ‘out of control’ or ‘vindictive.’
The Campaign Motivation: He may stay on his best behavior for an extended period because he is motivated by his campaign against the ex-partner.
The ‘Good Woman’ Trap: The new partner may work harder to prove she is ‘better’ than the ex-wife. By the time she sees his abusive side, she is often too deeply invested or married to admit she was wrong, leading her to blame the ex-wife for ‘making him this way.’
Professional Abusers of Power as Allies
Shared Mindsets: Professionals who are themselves attracted to power and control (certain police, judges, therapists, and evaluators) often identify with the abuser.
Hostility Toward the Oppressed: These professionals may view the woman's resistance to oppression as ‘ungratefulness’ or ‘victim-playing.’
Retaliation: If a woman challenges a professional’s authority or status, they may explode in verbal abuse or use their position to retaliate legally (e.g., police threatening arrest for complaining about their behavior).
The Vicious Tactics of Defense Attorneys
Attorneys as Weapons: Some specialized attorneys act as co-abusers, using derision, lies, and far-fetched accusations to traumatize the woman.
Economic Motivation: Attorneys build practices based on a reputation for ‘going for the jugular,’ which appeals to the abuser's desire for a weapon.
The Myth of Neutrality
Neutrality as Collusion: Dr. Judith Herman (author of Trauma and Recovery) explains that neutrality serves the interests of the perpetrator, never the victim.
Silence as Approval: Abusers interpret silence as forgiveness or approval. To the victim, silence communicates that no help is coming.
Effective Action: Breaking the silence means telling the woman privately that she doesn't deserve the treatment and calling police if violence or threats occur.
Questions & Discussion
Prompt/Question from a Lawyer: ‘Why do some of my clients find themselves in situations where their own families are helping the abusers win custody?’
Response/Context: The response involves the abuser's ability to manipulate family rifts and use carefully crafted distortions to play on societal values and the family's lack of full information.
Societal Adoption of the Abuser’s Perspective
Common Phrases of Accidental Support: - ‘You should show him some compassion… he’s a human being too.’ (Counter: He forgets her humanity; his need for compassion should not supersede her right to safety). - ‘But he’s the father of your children.’ (Counter: He is the one depriving the children of a safe father by abusing their mother). - ‘You made a commitment.’ (Counter: This supports the abuser’s value that violence/disrespect are not valid reasons to leave). - ‘You are claiming to be a helpless victim.’ (Counter: This is the abuser’s tactic to minimize his conduct and discredit her pain). - ‘These abuse activists are anti-male.’ (Counter: It is not anti-male to be anti-abuse; many men are active in combating abuse, and it affects the lives of men’s daughters and sisters).
Key Points to Remember
A neutral stand is a support for the abuser and an abandonment of the victim.
One cannot oppose partner abuse while assisting a relative/friend in their specific abusive behavior.
Accept that allegations of abuse are substantially accurate in the great majority of cases.
Accountability is not ‘cruelty’; it is necessary for the abuser to face his problem.