People aren't making as many close friendships than they used to
Number of people of who say they have no close friendships, its 12% now, in 1990 it was only 3%
Time and Proximity
Studies have shown that it takes 90 hours of time together to consider someone a friend and more than 200 hours to consider them a close friend that you have an emotional connection with
200 hours is like closer to 2 terms
The Art of Making Friends
Friendships are not made, they are found
Proximity does matter due to environment
Friendships are created through communication
Friendships are voluntary (beware of fair-weathered friends)
We sort of chose who we want to be around
Fair-weathered friends who are just there during the happy times
However, also need the friends that shoulder burdens
Good to have “corner” people - people who are in ur corner
Become a “regular” at something
continually go to it and do it
Communication tips:
Lets assume you’re not lucky
Don’t wait. always make the first move
Work on your small talk
Positive nonverbals, think how you come across
Follow the golden rule
Don’t stay in ur dorm, push outside comfort zone
Types of Friendships
Short vs long term
Task vs maintenance
Task orientated friendship - is a friend u make in a class, but when the class ends, no longer have that friendship
Maintenance - u want to hangout because you like each other
Low vs high disclosure
Low vs high obligation
Important
Fair weathered friends would have a LOW OBLIGATION
Have to have a couple HIGH obligation friends
Infrequent vs Frequent contact
MAINTAINING FRIENDSHIPS
what are things u do to maintain your relationships
will call while walking + talking
The most important thing you can give your friends is TIME
Building time into your routine
Which best describes your idea of love?
6 love styles
Lee’s Colors/Styles of Love
Primary Love Styles
Eros - Romantic, passionate love
Heat driven love style, passion driven
Think love at first sight
EX: The Notebook
Ludus - Love as a Game
Game Playing, the art of seduction
LUDUS IS THE MOST NONCOMMITTAL
EX: Ian and Mickey from Shameless
Storge - Love as Friendship
Friendship love, calm, builds over time
It shows u can emerge out of the friendzone
EX: Ron and Hermione from Harry Potter
Secondary Love Styles
Mania - Obsessive Love - when u mix EROS AND LUDUS
Like you are crazy in love
Its all consuming style of love
Fail classes when in mania love style
EX: Movie: Fatal Attraction
Pragma - practical love, makes sense
What am I getting out of the relationship vs what I am getting
Think Social Exchange Theory
Agape - Self-less, dutiful love
Think Titanic
being self less for significant other
Sternbergs Triangular Theory of Love - Sternberg devised there were 7 types of love forms found in between elements of intimacy, passion, and commitment
The “Hybrids”:
Romantic Love
Passion + Intimacy ( No Commitment)
Companionship Love - Think Friendship
Intimacy + Commitment (No Passion)
Fatuous Love - Intimacy takes the longest to develop
Passion + Commitment (No Intimacy)
Consummate Love
All Three
INTIMACY
intimacy of touch , subtle moments
PASSION
COMMITMENT
Labels
The “Stand Alones”
When you REMOVE Intimacy and Passion its: Empty Love
A “shell” of what it used to be
When you REMOVE Passion and Commitment its: Liking
It is just intimacy only
When you REMOVE intimacy and commitment its: Infatuation
How to Foster Relational Intimacy:
Thanks and compliments
Asking big questions
EX: Where do you see us
Asking for what you need
Date nights and touch