Interpersonal Conflict and Conflict Management Study Notes
Principles of Interpersonal Conflict
Definition of Interpersonal Conflict: A disagreement between connected individuals who each want something that is incompatible with what the other person wants. It is a fact of all relationships and is neither inherently good nor bad, as its effects depend on how it is resolved.
Inevitability: Conflict is inevitable in all interpersonal relationships. Every relationship experiences it at some point and to some degree.
Occurrence Across Media: Conflict can occur in all forms of communication, regardless of where or how messages are exchanged.
Nature of Effects: Conflict can have both positive and negative consequences. The outcome is determined largely by how the conflict is managed.
Content vs. Relationship Focus: - Content Conflict: Centers on things external to the individuals (e.g., objects, events, or specific issues). - Relationship Conflict: Centers on issues internal to the relationship itself (e.g., power dynamics, possessiveness, or respect).
Influences of Culture and Gender: Cultures differ in what their members fight about and how they engage in conflict. Similarly, differences exist between the ways men and women approach conflict.
Multistep Management Process: Conflict management typically follows a sequence: 1. Set the stage. 2. Define the conflict. 3. Identify goals. 4. Identify and evaluate choices. 5. Act on the chosen choice (mentally first, then behaviorally). 6. Evaluate the choice as it played out. 7. Accept or reject the choice more permanently. 8. Wrap it up.
Factors Influencing Conflict Management Strategies
Selecting a conflict strategy is not a random process; it is influenced by several specific factors:
Goals: The intended outcome (short-term vs. long-term) dictates the strategy. If the goal is simply to save an evening, one might "give in." If the goal is a long-term relationship, one might seek a win-win strategy to eliminate the cause of the problem.
Emotional State: Strategies differ based on current feelings (e.g., sadness vs. anger, or seeking revenge vs. seeking an apology).
Cognitive Assessment: Your beliefs about fairness and equity, as well as your assessment of who caused the problem, influence your style. This includes assessing risks, such as the danger of alienating a boss or a child.
Personality and Communication Competence: - Shy and unassertive individuals may favor avoidance. - Extroverted individuals with a desire to state their position may fight actively. - Tolerance for disagreement varies; those with high tolerance are less likely to become emotionally upset or hostile than those with low tolerance.
Family History: Topics of conflict and tendencies to obsess or forget about issues are often learned in childhood. Understanding these influences is the first step in reversing negative tendencies.
Strategic Approaches to Conflict
Win-Lose and Win-Win Strategies
Four Basic Types of Outcomes: 1. A wins, B loses. 2. A loses, B wins. 3. A loses, B loses. 4. A wins, B wins (Win-Win).
Advantages of Win-Win: These solutions lead to mutual satisfaction, prevent resentment, make future conflicts less unpleasant, promote mutual face-saving, and ensure parties are more likely to abide by the decision.
Example Situation: Spending money on a new car (unreliable current car) vs. a vacation (exhaustion). - Win-Win options: Buying a good used car and taking a less expensive vacation; or buying a used car and taking an inexpensive road trip. Both parties get what they want.
Avoidance and Active Fighting Strategies
Avoidance: Can be physical flight (leaving the scene, falling asleep, blasting music) or psychological/emotional avoidance (refusing to deal with issues). As avoidance increases, relationship satisfaction decreases.
Demand-Withdrawal Pattern: One person makes demands, and the other, unwilling to comply, withdraws. This is unproductive but can be broken by either party changing their response.
Time-Out Exceptions: Temporary avoidance to "cool off" can be constructive, especially in digital communication (e-mail/social networks) to allow for more logical, less hostile responses. Research shows that as couples age, they may use avoidance effectively to manage the demand-withdrawal pattern.
Nonnegotiation: A special type of avoidance where a person refuses to listen to arguments or keep hammering their own point until the other person gives in.
Silencers: Unproductive techniques that silence the other person, such as crying, feigning extreme emotionalism (yelling, losing control), or developing physical reactions (headaches, shortness of breath).
Active Fighting: Involves taking responsibility for thoughts and feelings. Use "I" statements (e.g., "I don't like it when you…") rather than shifting responsibility to others (e.g., "Everybody thinks you're wrong").
Force and Talk Strategies
Force: Dealing with conflict by exerting emotional or physical power. It is often used by those dissatisfied with the power they perceive themselves to have.
Statistics on Violence: - More than of single and married couples report physical violence. - Symbolic violence (threatening/throwing things): Above for singles and above for married people. - In a sample of college students, reported experience with dating violence, which was usually reciprocal.
Talk: The only real alternative to force. Requires qualities like openness, positiveness, empathy, and active listening.
Effective Talk Habits: - Act and think like a listener (remove distractions, face the person). - Paraphrase and ask for confirmation (e.g., "You feel that if we pooled our money… is that right?"). - Express empathy (e.g., "I can understand how you feel"). - State thoughts and feelings objectively, even when disagreeing.
Politeness in Conflict: Face-Attacking and Face-Enhancing
Face-Attacking Strategies: Attack a person's positive face (criticizing abilities/contributions) or negative face (attacking autonomy or making demands).
Beltlining: A destructive strategy where one hits an emotional "beltline." Long-standing relationships know where these vulnerabilities are (e.g., inability to have children, failure to get a job). Hits below the belt cause serious injury.
Blame: Diverts attention from solutions and causes conflicts to spiral into personal attacks.
Face-Enhancing Strategies: Support positive face (praise, sincere smiles) or negative face (giving space, asking rather than demanding). - Suggestions: Use messages that enhance self-image, acknowledge autonomy, compliment even during conflict, avoid blaming, and express respect for the other's viewpoint.
Verbal Aggressiveness vs. Argumentativeness
Verbal Aggressiveness: An unproductive strategy where one tries to win by inflicting psychological pain and attacking the other person's self-concept. - Tactics: Character attacks (most popular), attacking abilities, background, physical appearance, cursing, teasing, ridiculing, threatening, and nonverbal emblems. - Consequences: Leads to relationship dissatisfaction, potential violence, loss of credibility for the user, and decreased power of persuasion.
Argumentativeness: A quality to be cultivated. It is the willingness to argue for a point of view and speak one's mind on significant issues.
Benefits of Argumentativeness: It is constructive, leads to relationship satisfaction, preserves organizational life, and increases the user's credibility and leadership potential.
Strategies for Cultivating Argumentativeness: - Treat disagreements objectively. - Center arguments on issues, not personalities. - Reaffirm the other person's competence. - Avoid interrupting. - Stress equality and areas of agreement first. - Express interest in the other's point of view. - Avoid emotional arguments (loud voices, vulgarity). - Allow the other person to save face.
Questions & Discussion
Interpersonal Choice Point - Confronting a Problem: You are fed up with a neighbor whose garbage attracts rodents and smells. Options presented: Talk to the neighbor, talk to the sanitation department, send an anonymous note, or say nothing.
Interpersonal Choice Point - Dealing with Face Attacks: Sara and Margaret want to marry in a state that supports same-sex marriage, but their parents are adamantly opposed and want them to enter "reparative therapy." Suggested actions: Discover specific objectives, explain feelings, just do it, or present evidence that the therapy is a hoax.
Viewpoints - Violence and Love: Why do victims often interpret physical abuse as a sign of love or blame themselves?
Viewpoints - Cultural Variations: Why might physical abuse statistics be misleading in cultures like India, Taiwan, or Iran? (Answer: Fear of losing face or embarrassing the family inhibits reporting).
Viewpoints - Gender and Argumentativeness: Men generally score higher in both argumentativeness and verbal aggressiveness. Why might this be the case?
Ethical Fighting Questions: - Does conflict avoidance have an ethical dimension? - Can the use of physical force ever be ethical? - Are face-detracting strategies inherently unethical? - What are the ethical implications of verbal aggressiveness?
Ethical Choice Point: You smoke pot a few times a month. Your partner despises drugs. If they ask, is it ethical to lie to avoid a huge conflict in a struggling relationship?