Conflict Management

Understanding Conflict Handling Styles

In a dispute, it's often easier to describe how others respond then to how we respond. Each of

us has a predominant conflict style that we use to meet our own needs. By examining conflict

styles and the consequences of those behaviors, we can gain a better understanding of the

impact that our personal conflict style has on other people. With a better understanding, you

then can make a conscious choice on how to respond to others in a conflict situation to help

reduce work conflict and stress.

Behavioral scientists Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann, who developed the Thomas-Kilmann

Conflict Mode Instrument, have identified five styles to responding to conflict—competition,

collaboration, compromise, avoidance, and accommodation. No conflict style is inherently right

or wrong, but one or more styles could be inappropriate for a given situation and the impact

could result in a situation quickly spiraling out of control.

1. Competing

Value of own issue/goal: High

Value of relationship: Low

Goal: I win, you lose

People who consistently use a competitive style come across as aggressive, autocratic,

confrontational, and intimidating. A competitive style is an attempt to gain power and pressure a

change at the other person’s expense. A competitive style of managing conflict can be

appropriate when you have to implement an unpopular decision, make a quick decision, the

decision is vital in a crisis, or it is important to let others know how important an issue is to you –

"standing up for your right." The biggest disadvantage of using this style is that relationships can

be harmed beyond repair and may encourage other parties to use covert methods to get their

needs met because conflict with these people are reduced to – "if you are not with me, you are

against me."

2. Accommodating

Value of own issue/goal: Low

Value relationship: High

Goal: I lose, you win

By accommodating you set aside your own personal needs because you want to please others

in order to keep the peace. The emphasis is on preserving the relationship. Smoothing or

harmonizing can result in a false solution to a problem and can create feelings in a person that

range from anger to pleasure. Accommodators are unassertive and cooperative and may play

the role of a martyr, complainer, or saboteur. However, accommodation can be useful when one

is wrong or when you want to minimize losses when you are going to lose anyway because it

preserves relationships. If you use it all the time it can become competitive – "I am nicer than

you are" – and may result in reduced creativity in conflict situations and increased power

imbalances.

3. Avoiding

Value of own issue/goal: Low

Value of relationship: Low

Goal: I lose, you lose

Avoidance is characterized by deliberately ignoring or withdrawing from a conflict rather than

facing it. This style may be perceived as not caring about your own issue or the issues of others.

People who avoid the situation hope the problem will go away, resolve itself without their

involvement, or think that others are ready to take the responsibility. There are situations where

avoidance is appropriate such as when you need more time to think of how to respond, time

constraints demand a delay, confrontation will hurt a working relationship, or there is little

chance of satisfying your needs. However, avoidance can be destructive if the other person

perceives that you don’t care enough to engage. By not dealing with the conflict, this style

allows the conflict to simmer and heat up unnecessarily, resulting in anger or a negative

outburst

4. Compromising

Value of own issue/goal: Medium

Value of relationship: Medium

Goal: I win some, you win some

The compromising style demonstrates that you are willing to sacrifice some of your goals while

persuading others to give up part of theirs – give a little, get a little. Compromising maintains the

relationship and can take less time than collaboration and resolutions might mean splitting the

difference or seeking a middle ground position. The downside to compromising is that it can be

an easy way out and reduces new creative options. If you constantly split the difference or

“straddle the fence,” game playing can result and the outcome could be less than ideal.

5. Collaborating

Value of own issue/goal: High

Value of relationship: High

Goal: I win, you win

The collaborative style views conflicts as problems to be solved and finding creative solutions

that satisfy all the parties’ concerns. You don’t give up your self-interest; you dig into the issue

to identify the underlying concerns, test your own assumptions, and understand the views of

others. Collaboration takes time and if the relationship among the parties is not important, then it

may not be worth the time and energy to create a win-win solution. However, collaboration

fosters respect, trust, and builds relationships. To make an environment more collaborative,

address the conflict directly and in a way that expresses willingness for all parties to get what

they need

Although all of the approaches have their time and place, you need to ask yourself the basic

question, "Is my preferred conflict handling style the very best I can use to resolve this conflict or

solve this problem?"

Focus on Interests (Needs), Not Positions (Wants)

Understanding people's interests is not a simple task because we tend to communicate our

positions – things that are likely to be concrete and explicit. It is helpful to learn to recognize the

difference between person’s positions and interests to assist in creative problem solving.

• Positions are predetermined solutions or demands that people use to describe what they

want – what the person wants to happen on a particular issue. For example: "I want the

report."

• Interests define the problem and may be intangible, unexpressed, or not consistent.

They are the main reasons why you say what you want – the motivation behind the

position. The conflict is usually between each person's needs, desire, concern, or fear.

For example: "I need to receive the report by Friday, so I can have time to review and

edit before the due date next Wednesday."

Remember that figuring out your interests is just as important as figuring out their interests.

How to Identify Interests

To identify interests of the other person, you need to ask questions to determine what the

person believes he or she truly needs. When you ask, be sure to clarify that you are not asking

questions for justification of their position, but for a better understanding of their needs, fears,

hopes, and desires.

Using open-ended questions that encourage a person to "tell their story" helps you begin to

understand their interest. Open ended questions are opposite of closed-ended questions, which

require a response of "yes" or "no." To illustrate the difference, consider the following example:

• Did you have a good relationship with your supervisor? (closed-ended)

• Tell me about your relationship with your supervisor. (open-ended)

Examples of open-ended questions:

• What’s your basic concern about …?

• Tell me about …

• What do you think about …?

• How could we fix …?

• What would happen if …?

• How else could you do …?

• What could you tell me about …?

• Then what?

• Could you help me understand …

• What do you think you will lose if you …?

• What have you tried before?

• What do you want to do next?

• How can I be of help?

The most powerful interests for you to consider are the basic human needs for security,

economic well-being, sense of belonging to an organization, identify, recognition of contribution

or efforts, and autonomy or control over decisions or work. It is not uncommon for you or the

other person to have multiple interests and it would be helpful for you to write them down as

they occur to help you sort them out. This list may be helpful to think through ideas that may

meet these interests.

Problem solving on your interests and the other person’s interests leads to more creative and

successful resolutions because you meet not only your need but theirs as well