Chapter 8 - Close Relationships

  • first close relationships = family members

    • attachment style

      • bowlby and ainsworth (infant to caregiver attachment)

        • identified attachment styles through strange situations test

          • tested separation anxiety

            • mom nd baby are placed in lab with toys and a stranger

              • how far would the child go from the mother?

              • emotional state?

          • after a while mother leaves room

            • measure separation anxiety (distress)

          • mom comes back

            • comforted child and response determines attachment style

            • three attachment styles

              • secure : wandered further (secure base), upset upon mom’s departure, calms quickly when comforted

              • Insecure

                • anxious-ambivalent (positive and negative) : both positive and negative emotions towards mother, do not wander, lots of separation anxiety/distress (good sign) when mother leaves, comforting effects take longer, non verbal signs of bitterness and resentment

                • avoidant : wander more, similar to lack of attachment, does not care when mom leaves/comes back, overall indifferent

                  • possible to have different attachment style to different caregivers

              • relationship to adult attachments

                • infancy attachment style carries into adult romantic relationships

                • secure = easy and stable relationships

                • anxious ambivalent = want the close relationship, but are afraid, nervous, and insecure in relationships

                • avoidant = indifference to relationships, typically does not pursue

        • family

          • siblings (80% of people have at least 1)

          • emotionally closest during childhood

  • Close Friendships

    • your best friend:

      • more time together, varied interactions, excluding others, self disclosure, trust, physical contact, emotional support

      • better at describing them, inferring of thoughts/feelings

      • childhood

        • proximity, similarity of age and interests

      • adolescence + adulthood

        • more intimate

        • women have more than men

    • loneliness

      • actual quantity + quality of relationships < desired relationships

        • different from being alone (physically isolated)

      • lonely people

        • spend free time alone, few dates, have more casual (not close) friends

        • higher levels of depression, anxiety, unhappiness, shyness

      • causes:

        • poor social skills

          • inappropriate self disclosure, no self disclosure, self centered conversations

        • cyclical

          • rejection → loneliness → rejection → loneliness …

      • reducing loneliness:

        • intervention necessary

          • cognitive therapy for negative self concept, negative self defeating thoughts

          • social skills training (videos, role playing)

  • Romantic Relationships

    • how are close friends different from romantic relationships? sexual motivation is often the main difference

    • physical intimacy: touching, kissing, hand holding, hugging

  • love:

    • passionate love: a state of intense longing for unison with one another (Hatfield 2989)

      • ex.) “falling in love,” “head over heels”

      • sexual attraction, physiological arousal, desire for physical closeness, need to be loved in return, fear of relationship ending

        • need to be loved in return fails? unrequited love

          • stressful for both

    • Hendrick and Hendrick’s “Love Styles”

      • eros: passionate, love at first sight (men more likely)

      • storge: deep friendship (women more likely)

      • ludus: game playing approach (men more likely)

      • mania: possessive, jealous (women more likely)

      • pragma: practical, logical (women more likely)

      • agape: selfless (equally likely)

    • Sternburg’s Triangular theory of love

      • top point (intimacy: emotional closeness)

        • intimacy alone = liking

      • bottom left point (passion: romance, sex phys. arousal)

        • passion alone = infatuation

      • bottom right point (decision/commitment: conscious decision)

        • decision/commitment alone = empty love

      • all 3 = consummate love

  • marriage

    • similarity of attitudes, interests, values are big predictors of marriage

    • frequency of sex declines (especially in 1st 4 years)

    • passionate love does down, companionate love goes up

    • married people are generally happier than single people, but the gap is smaller now

    • when relationships fail?

      • men generally start a new relationship (quicker than women do), women take comfort in their friends

      • Rusbult et al. “What do people in failing relationships do?”

        • Active approaches

          • exit = breakup

          • voice = let’s talk and fix things

        • Passive Approaches

          • loyalty = stay but not try to fix things

          • neglect = stay but no emotional givings

        • Relationship failure

          • need fulfillment due to needs not being met

          • availability of alternative partners

          • when relationship fails, most people move on

            • most people divorced, especially men, remarry